The One With The Skyward Sword

Before we begin… let’s start with a prayer…

Dear algorithm that art everywhere and nowhere at once. Thank you for correcting our Strongbadian grammar with the “g2g”s and the whatnot, and helping us spell every word with perfection and grammar police. Because we didn’t realize it then, but our speech was like totally grammatically incorrect like almost like 100% of the time back then, and we would like talk in like run on sentences (how embarrassing, I know… 🙈) and like sentence fragments, and didn’t totally know how to punctuate! Quite right back then, ya know? Cuz like when we spoke out loud… like… there wasn’t like any punctuation I would do back then ya know?

So we had to figure out how to write like we TALKED on like chat, so… we like just kinda would do… WHAT, ever… sounded right to what we wanted it to SOUND like… when they read it…

But now days… we all sound like professors. (It’s technically nowadays… but we all know that now days…) Talking in complete sentences and shit. If I were to guess… it started with the ol social media grammar nazi phase that hit like maybe back in like 2011 or so… but I mean… now days… it’s like not even… like… typing like you writin essays or some shit… it’s like… you’re supposed to talk like a scientist, or pundit, or research paper writer… talking bout like all the studies of Covid, and how jet fuel don’t melt no steal beams and shit, ya know? Ya… ya know, Ya know???

Anyway, thanks the algorithms for that… and for helping me choose what I watch on YouTube and Netflix and Hulu… Thanks for crowd sourcing my culture. Because every tongue shall “bend the knee” if we all watch the same thing…

But if we don’t… then how the HELL are we gonna know how to TALK to each other???

Could it BEeee any. more. weird???

Basically I’m calling to say sorry I didn’t know 18 year old me didn’t know he was super wicked in the 20’s… ya know? (2020’s)

Like I wrote a shiz ton of newsletters back in like 2007… and like… the Internet don’t show you anything from longer than a year ago… ya know?

So I have forgotten how the culture used to BE! Ya know? 😬

But now people are more stream lined… and that’s probably a good thing… ya know?.? Like… now everything reads like an essay… which is like what our English teachers kept trying to get us to sound like, ya know??!! So like!… maybe FINALLY those UBSCT 5 paragraph essays will finally sound like how we actually talk! Ya know!!!!!!?

So ya… basically the thesis to my prayer is: everything always gets BETTER in the future. Nothing gets worse.

So Here’s to the 20 year anniversary of “Rush of Blood to the head.” May all the douche-bags in the future have no I-freakin-dea why we even liked it… like what the eff is Clocks even talking about? Like “is this some liberal undertoned agenda?” Like I don’t  know… I just liked how it sounded… like lay off, poetry police!

Amen, and amen. So forth and so such. Such as, and the like… forever and ever… til the stars fall from the sky… alleluia, and

(Hallelujah chorus starts playing)

Okay… cut! Like… this is getting to ridiculous… just freakin end the dang thing already…

So basically I think JBUDD NEWS is like super like trendy and stuff… like… if I didn’t go on a mission… 

hear me out…

Like if I didn’t go on a mission… I would’ve been like Bo Burnham type viral… or even bigger cuz… pretty sure I was funnier than THAT guy was in 2007…

Cuz JBUDD NEWS was always considered like unto a boulder cut out of the mountains without hands! Ya know!!!?

And we didn’t find it offensive when I wrote that… back THEN! Ya know???

So ya… who wore the 20’s better? Which 20’s won? The ROARING twenties? Or the post apocalyptic 20’s? (That was a joke I was workshopping like 5 years ago… before literal shiz… hit my literal fan… (and I actually DO mean LITERAL… Ted Mosby… (hypothetical bird…)))

What I’m TRYING to say is… JBUDD NEWS is like getting bigger and brighter… like if it were a star IN, OUR, SOLAR SYstem… it’d be the sun…

That’s Alllll I’m trying to say! Okay?!! Like BACK! OFF! Haters!… amirite? …High five!

Lol. Uhhhhhh….. anyways…

In the name of Mark Zuckercorn. Uh… see ya…

Fablast! I tried to copy and paste it, and I missed, ya know? Like this note I’m typing in… is probably uh like 30,000 words long, lol… and I’m trying to get the “JBUDD NEWS” portion…

Okay… here we go… let’s try again…

Got it!

Maybe a “welcome to the internet” by Bo Burnham

2014 just called! It says “2022 sucks balls…”

“Why men and women can’t be friends” (youtube vid) lands a little weird when you realize most the world thought we were talking about SEX… that’s a fairly pessimistic view… we can’t be friends cuz of sex? (Hookup meant something different in Utah) Nah man! We were talking jus like ONE of the persons probably likes the other in a “I have a crush on you” sort of way… and they get friend zoned and it drives the friend zoned one NUTS… 

And is there a way around that at all… or does being friend zoned just have to feel miserable?

Hear me out… like what if that was just acknowledged… like… 

“I wanna be more!” 

“Oh… well… I don’t… not that I don’t like… LIKE you… it’s jus that I don’t wanna like commit the rest of my LIFE to you… ya know? Cuz we only got one shot at this! Ya know!??? Cuz getting divorced is like a ticket to HELL… so… I gotta make sure like the one person I choose for eternity has like loaded stats and shit, ya know? And like, I’m pretty disorganized, andso I need someone more organized than MEeee otherwise we’re eternally screwed… even tho ultra organized people kinda suck to be around sometimes… have a proclivity to stick-up-the-butt-itis. Like I need someone who completes me in every conceivable way! Like… no offense… it’s jus… eternity??? Like… I’d rather keep you as a friend than lose you forever in some like inevitable break up, ya know? Cuz I low key need to figure that out like before we even date for like 95% of the people I meet. Like “I should probably keep them at arms distance then… they can be friends…”

Cuz I love a lot of friends I wouldn’t wanna quarantine forever with, ya know? But still think they’re freakin awesome. Like if I got this like one shot to choose someone for eternity… then imma gonna go BIG, ya know? Like the stats are gonna be like as maxed out and like over powered and shit… cuz I mean… that’s what I was taught like this life was for, is like finding your co-God that you’re like gonna quarantine forever with. So that ain’t no test ya wanna flunk. Ya know??? Like maybe there’s someone… like… if we gonna be like isolated together forever on a glass ball, then… this person better like complete me in every way shape and form! Ya here? Cuz like… in heaven man… this whole like “FRIENDS” thing… like… dog… that ain’t even a THING! Like all these friends gon be like too busy making planets and babies and shit! Like… they definitely won’t have time for YOU! I PROMISE you… friends are jus like… a… TEMPORARY thing… ya know? So don’t put too much stock into anyone else but like this like one person. Like… low key… fuck everyone else… cuz like… they technically literally figuritively don’t matta. Ya hear?

So ya… that’s what… “can men and women be just friends” meant to OUuuurrr culture…

So maybe like our culture surrounding like marriage… and divorce… and dating… and break ups… and friend zoned… and NCMO… might be built on the back of like… a shiz ton of culture… that would have NEVER… watched Game of Thrones…

Point being… do you even remember your old self, dear reader… or does a constantly rapid shift in culture jus kinda do something weird to our memories… cuz like… which rule book we following NOW days… ya know? 

But that’s fine, we can adapt a few words here and there… until now… you B talkin like you some teleprompted political speech. Every sentence perfectly formed… as if they took a shit load of time to craft it to say it jus perfect with all dat correctness… a sentence that can offend no one… Congrats… you pulled it off… but even THAT sounds like masterbation…

Cuz now days… everyone be offended at every thang. Capishe?

In conclusion to my prayer to the internets… I got 99 problems… but a bitch ain’t one… 🎤

So I just went through the McDrive-thru, and… it’s like…

There was a phase we went through on social media where we just kinda started posting about all those “awkward moments” when… (someone does like effing nothing of consequence that needed to be criticized…) and basically I high key think shit like that made us just self conscious being around like ANY stranger… cuz you might do something… AWKWARD!!! (And someone might film it, and you might become a meme for like just kinda like… blinking… in like a… “oh… okay!” Sort of way… then people take THAT… and will say some like “when I see a democrat vote…” then another person will come up with “when I see a republican vote…”

Awkward! 😬 right??? Like if you VOTE… people might be blinking at you like that guy! 😬

So what do you do? You just start treating like random drive up window people like… they’re like… a self check out machine… just to keep it easy, ya know? And just try to avoid eye contact with strangers in GENERAL… and just act like they’re not really there… like that guy in the elevator with you… “that awkward moment… when somebody existed next to you…”

Back in the day you didn’t like talk PER SAyyyy, to the person in the elevator… but maybe like… just act like how a human (as opposed to a robot) would act if there was someone in the room with them, instead of like a ghost or something…

And ya. Now we call people “humans”, so it effs up my joke, because back THEN… people would have read that in a flight of he concords “the humans are dead” sort of way… cuz who’s talking about people like they’re like… not one of them or something… ya know?

I got one. Probably Mark Zuckercorn… cuz that dude’s like a robot or something… like maybe he Spider-Man villained himself and accidentally tested his “algorithm to brain” intersect machine on himself, ya know?

Probably not… but… a boy can dream right? “When I grow up I wanna be like Mac Zuckeflavin!” - said no one ever…

To quote Hamlet: “words words words…”

If you adopt an orphan, and then abandon them in the woods…

ANYWAY… let’s get to the story of the week.

2007 didn’t have trigger warnings, so neither does this.

STORY #1>>>

So I was of sound mind, and decided I wanted to die…(pause for laughter) And so I went off trying to figure out if there’s like an afterlife or WHAT, cuz that just might influence my decision…

Then I did some soul searching, and was wandering around in a forest when I came across a clearing. (Allegory)

That had a streak of sunlight… that shined down upon what appeared to be a sword stuck in a stone. I walked up to the sword, and there read a plaque that said, “only he who is worthy can pull the sword from the stone… anyone unworthy, will meet instant death upon touching.” Then I noticed that there did appear to be a mound of skeletons next to the sword. So I said, “eh, fuck it” pulled a skeletons hand off of the hilt, then grabbed the swords handle. To my apathy, I was still alive. Then I yanked the sword free to the sound of an ocarina’s staff roll’s ending. Then a voice starteled me, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen!

What you hold is the master sword.

It comes with a “dowsing” ability…

Anything getting in the way of true love… Fucking burn it to the ground…”

“Wow Navi, you sound kinda angry!”

“That’s just how people talk on the internet nowadays”

Then I noticed that indeed I had aged 15 years…

End scene…

For example… locking someone up in a hospital for being suicidal. How bout instead, we help them plan their funeral, and help them get the visa and earn the money, to get to Switzerland, where it’s legal, so they can blast off to the other side, surrounded with love and friends and family… instead of alone on the floor of their messy room… feeling… guilty… for… inconveniencing the mofos who are irritated that you made them clean up your body and room and… ruined their Saturday… “thanks for making me feel GUILTY about your death…”(annoyed) and how are my roommates gonna like get ahold of my family? Are they just gonna throw my most prized possessions away? Does any of this stuff even matter if it’s gonna be thrown away when I die??? Why do I even keep this stuff? Would THEY care to read my journals? Or would they be more of like a… “just move on” sort of vibe… why do I write in here?

Just moving on…

So open invite. If anyone wants to go to the pods of Switzerland… I’d accompany you… cuz dying shamefully alone… and there are so many horrible ways to do it... Like let’s just do it in a nice comfortable way if nothing else… I (aaayee) won’t judge you if nothing else…

I get why you’d nope out… it’s possible that no one ACTUALLY knows you… like… the REAL you… and you can tell… that their accepting of you… really ISsss conditional… of you fitting into their box… and… you might not know a damn soul, who’s “box of acceptable-ness” you now fit into…

So ya… you might actually be not truely known by a damn soul on the planet…

The worst part for me was how I couldn’t even kill myself without feeling guilty for dying… like my death was somehow even STILL about THEM… and how everyone would probably mostly talk about how “selfish” I was, instead of applauding me for practicing “self care” and “being brave”. had I died of cancer, people would still like me… but by “depression…” then any mention of me would be in hushed tones… like robin williams.

Like we can’t talk about Mrs Doubtfire without being like, “ya… that’s too bad about his death…” 

Aladdin… “but he seemed so happy!” 

To quote a journal entry from yesterday year. July 2021. quote:

I shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to die inside. … That moment was just something that none of you understand and I’m pissed about it.

I’ll live dam it, but I’m not okay with what’s going on around me god dam it!

 …

Me believing what “H” did was justified, kills me. I will be forever broken if I believe that.

Close quote…

Cuz me believing that I DESERVE to be shunned for eternity… (her credibility was really high to me) the ONLY, WAY for me to believe I deserve to be shunned for eternity, is to believe I deserve to be shunned for eternity… because? What ELSE must you believe about yourself to believe you actually SHOULD be eternally avoided… I am________ (bad)

You can not believe you deserve to be eternally shunned and have self esteem. You must believe you are “that” bad. Like you must be like a toxic person, not like you did a toxic action, or a person that makes mistakes. You must believe that YOU are the mistake… to believe you are worthy of eternal shunning… that you are actually unforgivable…

So… am I worthy of eternal shunning? If you answered “yes” then…

Go to hell…

You’ll love it, because the God you “worship” will be there too. (And he might have a pitch fork)

So in closing… thanks algorithm for getting us all to stop reading blogs and articles because they make us stop scrolling your infinite feed, and only showing us stuff that we won’t actually click on and exit your eternal scroll of doom. So forth and for ever, in the name of Milk Zackershlube, Amen.

Side by Side - "An acceptable way to spend 25 minutes"

Alright you internet people, I know I've been that deadbeat father that only shows up when he wants something, but... How's it been? Wow, you've grown so tall! What do you say I take you to McDonalds! You can play around in the play place, and we'll get some chicken nuggets! By the way, since you're here, do you mind if I borrow $5000?

Except instead of $5000, I'm asking you to watch and rate my most recent film. And lets be honest, it's not like it's a chore, it is actually a somewhat reasonable and entertaining film. The only thing I ask is to commit to watching the whole thing, just don't give up half way through like some deadbeat. It's only 25 minutes, people! C'mon! I spent like 600 hours on it! If I can sit through it 5 jillion times, I think you can watch the whole thing.

Anyways, it's on Amazon, so you can watch it on your favorite little brick that you plug your HDMI into. (AppleTV, Roku, ChromeCast, the Samsung Suck, etc.) AND you can always watch it on your browser here. And remember to rate it!

Synopsis:
Side by Side tells the story of a boy and a girl from both perspectives in real-time split-screen. You'll witness every decision they make that eventually leads to them meeting for the first time.

How I Accidentally Probably Coerced a Company into Changing its Name

My fellow JBUDDicans, The long wait is finally over. I realize that you've probably been waiting with bated breath ever since that fateful post on May 24, 2010, because, as you probably remember, I concluded it by saying, "To be continued…"

Oh the torturous longing you've must have felt these past five years! I must say that I'm sorry for the mind games I've played, but as they say, "Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it." I realize that you might not have EXPLICITLY asked for it, but I can tell by those subtle hints you've been dropping... like,
"Oh hey, what's up?" I know what you really mean:
"Are you ever going to finish that to-be-continued story?" Well... Since you asked:

On May 24, 2010 I wrote about a certain company called "Western Wats," and how they fired a girl because she wrote something negative about the company on her blog. It was pretty obvious that they had a full time employee thats whole job was to google, "Western Wats" and look for anything negative. Luckily, several months before this post, I had written a whole newsletter making fun of their name. If you don't remember, here's a refresher:

Jan. 21, 2010 

So I applied for a job at this place called, “Western Wats.” It's a call center, but you wouldn't know it by their sweet application graphics:

I think this picture pretty much explains how the application process went. It was THE weirdest application PERIOD! They kept throwing in random information in the application, in Standard Contemporary Hick Talk (SCHT) like so:

“But the west wasn't won in a day. Step inside to learn how we're different and what continues to separate us from the herd.” - wait... what am I applying for? Mercenary?

“We split the herd into mission specific corrals and opened more offices with fewer phone stations - roping them all together with a fiber optic lasso.” - Are you trying to say my co-workers will be horses? or is this supposed to be one of those parable things? ... I GOT IT, the fiber optic lasso is symbolic of the wastefulness of mankind! DEEP.

“Most built their research muscles and expertise with us as ranch hands before they threw in their stake to help build this outfit.” - WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT! can I just fill out my DANG application?!

“Have you ever done paid employment service dealing with the public?" - I'm pretty sure ANYONE could pass the interview if they're talking like that.

"whatchur readin level?"
"grade 2"
"WELL, you got me beat! ehoooo!"
(fires gun shots into the air)

And they had stupid questions like:

Please answer the following question: 
If it is 6:00 pm in Utah, what time is it in California? - Is this really relevant doc... I mean... buckeroo?

Please select the last three Presidents of the United States in Order. Choose the Current president last. 
- Jimmy Carter
- George Bush, Jr.
- Barack Obama
- Ronald Reagan
- Bill Clinton
- George Bush, Sr.
- Richard Nixon

This stuff is all for real! I just copied and pasted it all. The whole time I was just thinking, “Does this place actually exist? Or are they just making stuff up?” "Am I on candid camera?"

Long story short, they called me up like an hour later, and wanted an interview... I never showed up...

5 years later... 

The year is 2015. I sit at my computer typing. My house shakes as a kid on a hover board floats past. "Dang hooligans! I'm trying to type here!" I say with a glint in my eye.

Anyway... So remember how They had a full time employee crawling the internet for anything and everything? Well... Here's a little history lesson for ya:

1987 - Western Wats is born
1988 - JBUDD is born
Jan. 21, 2010 - I write a slanderous article about W.W. primarily making fun of their whole brand image shtick they got going on.
Feb. 02, 2010 - Western Wats files for a new trademark name, "Opinionology" and subsequently changes its name to Opinionology.

So what am I trying to say? I think I accidentally probably coerced a company into changing it's name! About 2 weeks after my post, they decided to change their name! The pen is certainly mightier than the sword my friends, and the keyboard is mightier than the pen... but it turns out that sword still beats keyboard. It's kind of a rock, paper, scissors thing...

Anyway...
I know what you're all thinking, "Do you think he plans it all out, or just makes it up as he goes along?"

And to that, I must say, "To be Continued"

How to Fly for Free: Philadelphia edition

Since I missed the opportunity to share my travel log in testimony meeting the past 4 months, I'll share it here instead:

Last September I got a text from my sister saying that my free flying pass was activated.  This means that I can fly standby on United Airlines for free.  So I immediately planned a trip to Philadelphia, home of the philly.

That's Philadelphia's one claim to fame, the Philly Cheese steak...  They're so proud of it, they even named their baseball team after the sandwich.  The Philadelphia Phillies.  The one thing I learned while there is: in Philadelphia  you don't call it a philly cheesesteak, because it turns out that philly is short for philadelphia.  So the fact that you're in philly, implies that it is a philly, so it's just a cheesesteak.

I know what you're thinking, "Wait, if philly is short for Philadelphia, then wouldn't the baseball team phillies mean..."  WOAH WOAH WOAH I got to cut your train of thought off there.   Are you suggesting, dear reader, that the name means the Philadelphia Philadelphians? That's like naming the Jazz, the Utah Utahns!  GO UTAHNS GO!  OWWWW!  (that's the Utahns new cheer.)

Nope, no one's that thick.  The Phillies is referring to the sandwich.  That's why their mascot is a giant sandwich, and every time they score a run, tradition has it that a big fat guy chases the philly (the sandwich) around the field.  It's also philly tradition that every time Joe (the fat guy) catches the sandwich, everyone in the stands take a bite out of their phillies... The sandwich.  Not themselves...

ANYWAY...
Ok what am I talking about?

Travel log.  So I planed my trip and jumped on my motorcycle to head towards salt lake.  I knew fate was calling my name because the rain storms were all around me, yet I remained bone dry.  It was like there was some bigger purpose for me to go, like licking the liberty bell.  With all these thoughts swirrling thru my head like goldfish down a toilet, I finally arrived at the airport, grabbed my bag full of things, and leisurely made my way to check in.

While waiting in line to be body scanned, an airport security lady started making her way up and down the line yelling at everyone like a drill sergeant.

"EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR POCKETS!  EVEN YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS!"

First of all... who still uses handkerchiefs? and secondly, aren't our cloths, and pockets made of that same material?  If that scanner can't see thru my handkerchief, then there's no way it's not getting thru these jeans.

I like the new body scanners tho;  They have a little stick figure guy in there holding his hands up looking super stoked about life.

"Walk in the tube and high five the little guy in there." I was pretty excited about that new addition.  Really raises the morale.

I got thru security and headed over to my gate, B8 and noticed my name's on the t.v.  Thought that was nice of them to do.  I was a little confused about what to do.  I felt like at any moment security would figure out that I wasn't supposed to be there, and carry me away.

I approached the lady with the almighty microphone, and asked if the stand-by's were going to get on, and I watched as her happy countenance changed to the deepest hatred.

"standby huh?  How do you live with yourself... FLYING all over for free while I'm stuck here working for nickles and dimes so that one day... I can experience this thing you call flying..."

She printed off my ticket and I was on the plane...  I buckled up and the plane almost immediately took off.  It's was like they were WAITING for me to get there... I had done it...
I had accomplished what few before me have done.  The dream.  The perfect arrival.  No waiting.

On top of that, I had just snuck onto a plane...  I didn't belong there!  I didn't pay! ... but that my friends... did not matter to those non-judgmental flight attendants. NAY!  They treated me like a king.  They even performed a little skit involving a cut off seat belt.

I bet if the plane ACTUALLY crashed, the attendants would be out of their minds excited, "I KNOW WHAT TO DO!  I've been doing this show for 10 years!  FINALLY, I get to USE this hidden talent of mine!  People will finally appreciate me!  I will have friends!"

We do appreciate our flight attendants don't we?  Not so much for the skit, but for the snack attack.

Nobody wants to miss the snack, people in the darkest deepest sleep WILL wake up for this monumental event. That's the one thing to look forward to during the flight, a shot of apple juice and 2 crackers.

     "no.... leave the can here... ;)"

I'm thinkin, "ok, i got a flight to Chicago and then another one to philly, that means between the two flights I get... a WHOLE can of coke! ...but when you add in all that ice it's more like a can and a half!"
The things that get you excited on a plane.... 

My favorite part is the turbulence...  "WEEEEEEE!"

Of course It's not all fun and games... There's always a bit of down time while flying.  During those times I usually have some deep thoughts about humanity and life...
     "I was just in a cloud..."
     "Where do you think that car's going?"
     "When's the juice lady coming back?"

Around this time the captain got on the speaker, told us we were landing in Chicago, and gave us the weather update.

I'm surprised that in the weather there still exists high and low pressure.  You'd think it'd just equalize itself out and there would just be MEDIUM pressure.

The plane landed, I walked down a tunnel into a big waiting room called an airport.  After waiting there, I walked down another tunnel into a smaller waiting room with wings on it.  After waiting in there and drinking half a can of coke, I walked out of a tunnel into a bigger waiting room, where I boarded a waiting room that was on train tracks.  After waiting there for a couple of minutes, I was in Philadelphia.

There was a two hour time difference, everyone always complains about jet lag.  What about the flight attendants? Their whole LIVES are jet lag!

I was a stow away, and made it. I kinda felt like Frank Abagnale. 

I hung out in Philadelphia.  Turns out the line for licking the liberty bell was too full.  I did eat a real philly cheese steak.  That was the big accomplishment.  Then I went home.

On my flight home from Houston  two guys sat two seats in front of me, and THIS guy (me) cracked a joke that made them laugh.  BOO YA

Here's my stalker shots of them:

Well... that's all for my testimony this month.  The church is true.  Amen.