How to Deliver a "Good Kiss"

Finals week.
Whether I passed the exam or not, the teacher's gotta admit that I'm pretty dang good at filling in those bubbles. After 14 years of school I definitely got that part down.

I wonder if the bubble-filling-in skill will ever be applicable in the real world. I think the actors in "The Ring" must've been ecstatic when reading the script. "You mean I get to..." "Yes... use your God given talents...." Maybe they had them fill out a scantron for the audition. "nice... very nice circles you got there."

Anyway...

Involved. When did we start using the word involved to mean dating?
"are you two... you know... Involved?"
Involved in what? A heist? when I think involved, I think along the lines of:

"There was a burglary on 4th avenue, 3 gunman were involved?"
"never get involved in a land war in Asia"
"Chanel, you best get out of town. I'm involved in something serious..."

then there's:
"Are you two... involved?"
"I didn't do it I swear! We just started out friends, a little small talk... Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it... we were... INVOLVED!"

I've never've been "Involved." I figured it was something I wanna try out. So I went cloths shopping. If you want the ladies, then you gotta look nice.

One thing I noticed is: Cloths look a lot cooler on the mannequins. Mannequins are always brawny and posed in interesting positions.
"Oh THAT'S what I'd look like in those cloths if I was buff and falling over!"

It would be nice to have mannequins that fit my demographic a little better.

"Can I see that on a taller, skinnier, and whiter mannequin? ok, now can you have him hunched over a computer typing a newsletter?"

On the flip side, the girl mannequins look like the brawny men's barbie girlfriends. So I got thinkin, maybe I should just take a picture with one of the Mannequins, make her a facebook page, and pretend she's my girl friend.

"Why don't we ever see Darla?"
"Oh she kinda gets stuck at work. She has a rigorous schedule"
"Where does she work?"
"She's just a cloths model."
"You're dating a model?"
"Yeah, people think I like her just because she's on display all the time, but It's something more..."
"Let me guess. Her personality..."
"Oh yes, She is very thick skinned and understands that some things are better left unsaid."

Word will soon spread that you're dating a mannequin, and all of your girl friends will be jealous and will want some of the action that new mannequin girl friend is getting.

The kiss. That's what they'll want. Frued failed at answering the question, "What do women want," but the answer is quite simple: The kiss is what they miss. Women want this kiss. It's on the list.

Look at the disney princesses. They want the kiss. Magical things tend to happen when the kiss happens. For mermaids, they can talk after the kiss. For others they wake up from their sleepy death. The kiss was always the greatest moment in these movies, and is why the sequels are always strait to VHS. The kiss already happened.
"How can you make an interesting post kiss story?" -girls thoughts.

If you're a guy, girls will always drill you with the seemingly innocent question: "what's your favorite disney princess!!!! lol" before you impulsively and foolishly shout out the answer: Ariel. Remember what I taught you: This is a test. Girls are analyzing the smallest micro movements on your face when you answer. Girls are 10 times more receptive to body language, so by the time you're going thru this in your head, you're already skrewed. So take this as a lesson for next time.

Girls are looking for the correct answer. Ariel is NOT the correct answer. The correct answer is Belle. (That's the one that married that Bad "A" beast character...) Just say Belle. Don't ask why. If you're morally apposed to saying Belle, I've come up with another way out of it. Simply tell her your least favorite princess, which is the forgotten princess. That's right, I'm talking about the princess and the pea princess.

Who in the right mind wants to be with someone who can feel a pea underneath a mattress? That prince dude was either drunk, or had Jafar hypnotizing him to believe a freakishly sensitive girl is desirable. Imagine trying to sleep at night.
"If you can't control those dang vibrations from your heart, then it's the couch again for you!"

Since the kiss is so important to the girl, I did a little research on what makes a good kiss. What I came up with is: Trumpet players, and the guys who can unwrap a starburst in their mouth. Have you heard that before? Have you ever unwrapped a starburst in your mouth? There's a lot more TEETH then lip action going on there, and the elongated facial expressions that come with it looks nothing like Prince Phillip's kiss...

Girls wont say it, but they aren't really looking for a "good kiss," they're merely looking for a "not bad" kiss. That's all a good kiss is, A bad kiss - minus the bad.  If you watch the tapes (Disney of course) You'll see that the kiss is merely putting two lips together and going, "mwuh" It's when you stray too far from that when you get into the "BAD kiss zone."

You may ask, "but JBUDD, do you have any tapes I can watch of bad kissing so I know what NOT to do?" well Billy, tapes are really out of date, but I do have a Youtube video. Enjoy, and Good Night.

-JBUDD



Ps. You guys should be excited. I'm releasing a new movie in 2 days. It's a sitcom. Just get ready for it. I'll post it here.

PPS
I Just realized I've been doing this for 5 years...

What to do next time you're on fire

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.

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I just got done with EFY. One thing that caught my attention is those little braille signs everywhere. Every class room, elevator and emergency exit has some braille written under it. I'm sure you've seen them. I'm sure some congressman 20 years ago thought it was a brilliant way of helping the blind, but lets be honest: How many times have you ever seen a blind person just hugging the walls and FEELING around? "I KNOW THERE'S SOME BRAILLE SOMEWHERE! You can't hide forever!"

Next time I see a two blind guys, I might be tempted to pull the fire alarm.
"START FEELING AROUND BILLY! WE GOT TO FIND THE FIRE ESCAPE PLAN!"

In the dorms I was staying in, it had the escape plan written inside each room with a little map. I can understand the map if you've got some secret passages in the building, but most of us know where the front door is. I was looking at it, and basically it had a red arrow directing me outside. I was thinking, "OH, so if there's a fire, I want to go OUTside! OH OK! My original plan was to run TOWARDS the fire!"

If there's fire in your hall, my first response isn't going to be. "Hmm... I wonder if there's any good literature posted on the wall..." It's gonna be, "AAAAHHH! fire fire fire fire!" I might be jumping through my glass window, or maybe doing some stop drop and rolls. I'm not going to be looking for the fire escape plan!

Stop drop and roll. Isn't that a convenient little rhyme. I'm convinced that it's not coincidence, because that's not how we practiced it. In our extensive elementary training on the subject, it was more: "lay down and roll!" I would, however, enjoy seeing someone who actually was on fire running around then suddenly stop like they hit a brick wall, going completely limp like they're dead, and then start rolling around. Actually, now that I mention it, just seeing someone on fire would be pretty funny. ESPECIALLY if they were running around frantically. you know what I would tell him? "STOP DROP AND ROLL! JUST STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

That phrase was pounded into our heads while going thru our school systems. When we were in Kindergarten they taught the system like so:
"Mr. Biggles (who just happens to be an imbecile (and a bunny rabbit)) was playing with matches. He lit himself on fire. What should he do?"
Kids hands shoot up in the air.
"Billy?"
"not play with matches!"
"Very good Billy, but he's alREADY on fire. So it's a little too late for that isn't it?"
(Billy cowers in the corner.)
"Timmy? you got the answer?"
"Is it... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"correct. One gold star for Timmy!"

When we're in 8th grade it gets a little tougher:
"OK twerps. Lets say you and your punk friends are riding the bus. 14 kids are girls, and 15 are guys. The bus driver is from Mexico. 8 of you leave the bus when a Shiite jumps out from the bushes with a flame thrower and torches 3 of your friends dead, and leaves you on fire... what do you do?"
Kids pencils are flying.
"14 girls? (scratch scratch scratch) Mexican... (scratch scratch)"
Smart kid raises his hand.
"Yoshi?"
"is the answer... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"3 Gold Stars for Yoshi."
"Hip hip hurray! hip hip hurray!"

at least that's how it was in MY school...

***Story of the Week***
This story dates back to Aug. 16 2007 when I was in the MTC.

I woke up to an alarm that I've never heard of before. After a few beeps I decided in my mind "That's the fire alarm!" so very robotically I got out of bed and flipped on the light to the groan of everyone in the room. I went and shook my companion awake. "hey the fire alarm's going off!" So we all woke up, I very quickly grabbed my name tag, wallet, and sandals and took off towards the exit in hopes to get my companion to hurry up. I was kind of excited about the whole thing and secretly wanted it to be real. I looked at my watch. 5:00am.

Finally my companion came and we went outside as the whole building of elders started to congregate. The Samoans and Tongans looked like they were going to freeze to death and one had a giamungus blanket and was still shivering. Everyone was in a zombie like daze when I finally came to my senses as I thought to myself out loud, "why am I wearing my name tag?" to the laughter of everyone around me.

Finally security shows up and clears the building and finds the problem. Someone wanted to microwave popcorn at 5 in the morning. He probably woke up in the middle of the night and looked at that popcorn and said to himself, "I cannot sleep another minute until the popcorn is UP IN FLAMES! so we all went back to bed a little more pissed than normal.

Security knocked on our door.
"did any of you guys do it?" and we told him "no." When he left McFarland said, "It was ME! I got up, put the popcorn in for 30 minutes then went back to bed!" must have been the time of the night, but it seemed really funny. The next day, we were pestering an elder about it we said, "Elder Meyers! why did you catch your popcorn on fire?" and he shot back. "well... I like my food HOT!" in a matter of fact way.

I recently ran into this elder Meyers at EFY (he was working too.) and caught a candid stalker shot of him. Enjoy.

Well that finishes the Newsletter. Remember, JBUDD NEWS is best read in email form, so if you haven't already, subscribe by email by putting your email in the box at the top right side of the page that says, "subscribe by email." Or if that sounds too hard, email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

Remember#2 - JBUDD NEWS want to hear from you, so if you have any success stories or comments, email clubfilm@gmail.com and you might just make it into the newsletter.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

JBUDD

Ode to Car - Part 2

Click here for part one

Having a car opens many windows that non car people can’t do. For example: The drive thru window.

They’re always trying to give you some new crap item you don’t want.

You drive up.
“wanna try our new hot and spicy chicken pot pie?”
“um… no thanks, I’ll have 3…” (looking at the dollar menu of course.) “McBurgers no seeds on the bun…”


They’re always trying to give you some garbage item that they can't find any other way to sell.  Just once I'd like to turn the tables back on THEM.
“would you like to try our new…”
“NO thanks, but you know, I’ve got an old microwave in the back of my car, it’s missing the turntable plate, but... do you want it?”

See how THEY like it.

In McDonald's, EVERYTHING is Mc. For example: They’ve got McMuffins, McChicken, McGrittles, Big Mc, etc.
I think their naming team has the easiest job in the world.

”what should we call it?”
“well what is it?”
“It’s a salad…”
“hmm... how 'bout McSalad?’
“BRILLIANT, STEVE! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!”
(As they hand him fist fulls of cash.)

You know a lot of millionaires today had their first job at McDonald's.  It’s true! Bill gate’s first job was at McDonald's. It takes someone of initiative and ingenuity to walk in through those golden arched McDoors, fill out a McApplication with your McPencil, hoping to make more than McMinimum-wage, aspiring to someday become the “McManager.”

I think that’s why it turns out so many brilliant people. Bill gates came to a point of his life and said, “I want to be the McFounder-of-Microsoft and I want to make an operating system called “McDOS” and as we all know the story, he quit McDonald's that day, and became the richest man in the world. THE END

To be continued...

PS

Youtube now allows 15 minutes of video, so I released the FULL version of "The Apartment" with 2 1/2 minutes more. Just in case you didn't get the memo on facebook.

King of the Playground

Well we’re all starting to get back to the swing of life… During summer break we had the opportunity to “jump out” of our swings. With a nice temporary rush from flying thru the air, coming to a climatic crash with the ground. But now it’s time to jump back on, start pumping again, and work our way back up to our repetitive lives.

Some of you might not be quite there. Some of you might still be immature and are swinging on your stomachs. Which seemed like a good idea at first, but you soon realize that all your blood has rushed to your head, and you’re starting to feel sick.

Remember those good ol’ elementary recess days? Swings… monkey bars… SLIDES!
You know I think that these were all failed attempts of our parents trying to kill their kids.

“why don’t you climb up that really tall ladder up there, and go down that metal surface with temperatures near liquid magma, and lets see if you can break the land speed record.”

That’s what we were all trying to do in our childish minds. We weren’t there to ‘have fun’ we were there to break some world records. Remember that first time down the slide?

      “you want me to do what!.... WHY!!!.... yeah you’ll catch me…right! Why should I trust you! Oh you got candy? Ok!”

Kids live on candy. When you’re a kid, nutrition is buskins. All that other food was grown up food. But KIDS… THEY ATE CANDY. Candy was OUR food. It was our medicine.
       “I’m feeling a tummy ach coming on.”
       “I recommend 1 pack of smarties!”

Smarties I’m pretty sure in every kids life was one point used as medicine.

As a kid your status in the classroom all depended on how you performed out on the field. Remember that kid that could do the back flip out of that swing? Yeah, he was cool. He could be the dorkiest kid in class. But if he pulled off that back flip. He became the new idol. He was like Anubis mated with Venus, and that’s the god that came out. The back flip god. We actually built alters to that god. Out of our soft padded gravel ground.

I want to meet the guy who invented the idea of gravel. I want to have him take a look at all the scars in my hands and knees and make him pay for all my lost childhood. Since when was using rocks to break your fall the best solution. And who decided to give us authority to have USE of these rocks. These weapons of mass destruction. I think there has been more scrapes and injuries caused by gravel then any other medium on the planet. Kids throwing it at eachother. Little Timmy is eating it in the corner. The new challenger to the land speed record on the slide makes one wrong calculation and goes flying into this buckshot called gravel….

Remember having to pick the rocks out from beneath your skin? Remember that kid who DIDN’T cry when he got hurt? Yeah he was like Ra and Aphrodite mated. A bird woman. The goddess bird of… not crying. Yeah that kid was cool. But not as cool as back flip kid. I never became backflip kid. I still envy back flip kid. Back flip kid is STILL one step higher then me.

THE END

PS
As some of the old timers that haven't yet been offended as of yet and are still reading this probably noticed.  (that sentence receives the crappiest worded sentence award.  I don't feel like fixing it.  FIGURE IT OUT!)
This is an old post from January 14, 2007.  I was reading through some JBUDD archive and I found this and laughed.  (Is it wrong to laugh at your own stuff? IDK)

PPS
I realized that I never posted my latest movie!  This is the most professional video I've ever made.
DISCLAIMER - NOT FUNNY   (but it's interesting.) (There's two parts to it, so find the other half.  FIGURE IT OUT!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odJIjk-I0YM

Cowboys and Indians, that racist little game...

Cowboys and Indians, what a racist game we teach our children. “Alright Billy, you’re a redneck cowboy from the dirty south, and Timmy you’re a savage Indian. You HATE each other! Can you feel the hatred?! FEEL IT! One two three HATE!! HATE DANG IT!!!!” and then they start beating up on each other –SMACK- -CRACKLE- -POP- as you casually walk away to get some rice crispy treats.

No better way to teach about racism than cowboys and Indians. The kids come inside crying all beat up.
“Now what did we learn today kids?”
“Cowboys are sons of a…”
“That’s right Timmy, racism is BAD. Now lets turn on the ‘I love you’ Barney tape, to wash the enmity out of you!”

Well that’s how I’M going to raise my kids… I’m not sure about you guys…

To me, cowboys almost make sense. They live where the sage brush grows, eat dirt for breakfast, drink, and gamble. I mean who WOULDN’T want to do that? I just feel for the poor sheriff. I’m not sure how they find a guy for this job, because he always ends up dead by the time the credits scroll.

The bandits show up into town:
“Alright the bank is a block east from here, the bar is next to the bank, and the sheriff is roaming the streets ready to duel.”
“So what’s our plan?”
“Rob the bank, shoot the sheriff, and then get some shots of whiskey?”
“How bout we get the whiskey, shoot the sheriff, then rob the bank?”
“What if we rob the sheriff, shoot the bank, then drink the whiskey?”

I don’t know… the bottom line is the Sheriff ends up dead either way…

I believe the number one cause of death for the Sheriff is DUEL. They’re filling out the accident report, “how the accident occurred: DUELED, and got shot in the heart.” I wonder if there’s a way to collect workmen’s comp for that? DEFINITELY a work related accident…

I never have understood the duel; I just don’t see the logic in it. For those of you who have never seen one, the two cowboys stand back to back, and mark out a couple of paces away from each other and then turn around staring deep into each other’s eyes. The goal is to shoot the other varmint before he shoots YOU. So they stare deep at each other trying to read when the other one draws so they can try and draw a little bit faster, and they have a twitchy hand next to the gun, trying to fake the other guy out. “oh, I’m gonna go NOW, no NOW, haha tricked you!” -BOOM- He’s dead.

I don’t think dueling is the time to pump fake. Basketball, football, or even GOLF, FINE do it. But DUELING?! Why would you EVER want someone to THINK you’re going, and then NOT ACTUALLY GO? And they’re always trying to go AFTER the other person starts drawing, like there’s some advantage to that or something? The way I see it is whoever grabs their gun the first will always be ahead by at least half a second! So why wait?! Why not just turn around grab your gun and shoot?! What’s this whole psychology twitchy hand voodoo crap going on. Just shoot him!

Anyway… I guess that’s why I was always the Indian…

Columbus Sailed that Ocean Blue

I was reading an economics book called, “The World is Flat” and the very beginning the author told the story of Columbus.  HE thought the world was round, and everyone else said it was FLAT.  So he said, “I’ll show them” and in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  He was originally going to take off in 1491, but could only come up with thumb, run, and plum as rhymes.  “1491, Columbus stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum… ACK! terrible rhyme.  Let’s wait another year!”

When he made it to America he discovered a bunch of dark skinned people, and had innocently mistaken them for Indians.  You think they would have planned ahead a little and brought someone who could speak Indian, “HALLO THERE! TANK YOU COME AGAIN!”  Don’t know what their plan was showing up all casual, “hey guys!  How’s it going? Oh, we’re just stopping by.  Just wanted to say hi to our neighbors on the other side of the Atlantic!  Yep It took us 3 months to get here… and we thought we were dead, and we almost had a mutiny… ha ha…. Ha…” the Indians stared back blankly… “Well, we… we weren’t planning on staying long… ACTUALLY we were just leaving!”  That’s when the sta. Maria squealed away.

When did it hit them that it wasn’t India?  They’re sailing back and Columbus says,  “hey Eric the terrible… psss… over here… Did you notice any call centers while we were there?

“No”

“(gasp)  GREAT SCOTT!”

I think Columbus’s simple mistake has been the biggest typo left on world history…. How long ago was that? Some 600+ years?    And… WE STILL CALL THEM INDIANS?  You think that would have been handled very promptly right then and there…

There couldn’t have been more than100 people on those ships, Columbus could have called a meeting together, “alright me mateys,  We ORIGINALLY THOUGHT that we were in India.”

“(Cheers and grunts)”

“BUT we were wrong!”

“(grumble grumble grumble)"

“This is AMERICA!  So instead of calling them INDIANS, because they’re not… NO Jósurr, they’re NOT… we’re going to start calling them NATIVE AMERICANS… can you say that with me?”

“(all together) Native Ameriplanes?”

“YES.  NATIVE AMERICANS…” more slowly than the first…

That’s all you had to do Columbus… when the people got back to Spain they would have been like, “WE DISCOVERED THE NATIVE AMERICANS!!!” 

And everyone would have been like, “Native Americans, what a brilliant discovery!  We’ll give Columbus a giamungous medal for this discovery!”

And to this day, instead of kids playing cowboys and Indians, they would be playing cowboys and Native Americans…

To be continued…

Bill Gates Owes Me a Million Dollars...

Oh hey… how’s it going? I feel like I’m talking to someone I haven’t seen in a couple years that I was never really that close to. You get that dry conversation going… oh boy nothing more engaging than participating in small talk.
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty good, how ‘bout you?”
“good”
“so what’ve you been up to?”
“not much, how bout you?”
“you know, same old same old”
“sweet, well nice seeing you again!”
“yeah, see you around sometime”
“yeah, for sure”
“see ya”
“yeah, bye”

Basically that conversation accomplished the same thing as if both parties just stared at each other making a loud moaning sound, “Uhhh…” But for real, when you have those tofu filled conversations, nothing is really being said… there’s no ACTUAL communication going on, we don’t learn more about the other person than before. Really what we’re actually doing is acknowledging that the other person exists. WE KNOW EACHOTHER! I KNOW HIM!!! I hadn’t seen him for awhile and was wondering if he’d gone mute since the last time I saw him, but he definitely did NOT!

I’d love to revolutionize the whole greeting process. That conversation probably would have taken about 20 seconds to fluff through. I think we could improve that time significantly by saying instead, “I acknowledge your existence…” and then move on. No stopping or anything. You both just know that you know each other. And with all that free time saved, we could increase our nations potential output and increase the overall economy, and pull us out of the recession…. Really, all of our economic problems could be led back to small talk…

Anyway… what’s up with me? Well I thought you’d never ask…

School just ended for old JBUDD. It seemed like just yesterday that I was writing in here making fun of old farm. Let’s look into JBUDD past and reflect on this past year… like a clip show if you will:

JBUDD NEWS Aug. 2009
I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

I also said that I was going to tell everyone my name was Rain. That lasted like a week, and I couldn’t take it anymore, it was like part of me was dying every time I was saying it… maybe it was because I’d eventually have to change this newsletter to RBUDD NEWS. Yeah THAT sounds cool. “hey everybody, I just got an RBUDD news in my inbox.!” No one would break out into cheering, singing and dancing like they do with JBUDD news.

Dec. 2009
The rain gutter right above my doorway is broken, which causes some sweet spillage, creating this decent puddle right outside my door. To add fire to the fuel, I live in LOGAN! and if hell was located here, it would indeed be frozen over. So this puddle is soon going to turn into a nice sheet of black ice… NOW all I need to do is slip on it, and break some sweet bone-age, and I can sue for damages! So I’ve been biding my time and waiting for that sweet payout. I just need a couple ace bandages, and I’ll be set!

Remember me saying that? Well guess what? A couple months later they had some guy came out in the middle of the winter and fixed it! I swear they read my post or something. I met this girl who had a job at western watts (the place that I applied at two posts ago) and apparently she posted on HER blog a bunch of crap about the place, and they found it, fired her, and wouldn’t hire one of her friends simply because he KNEW her… So apparently they have some guy search “Western Watts” on Google all day trying to find if any employee is posting garbage about their precious cowboy image that they’re trying to maintain. 1st of all, I would love that job, cuz I’m pretty sure you get to sit around 99 percent of the day doing NOTHING, and 2nd that probably means that I’ve already been black listed several times on their radar. I was hoping to get a job there in the fall, but I’m sure I’ll walk into my interview and bomb the first question”
“What’s your name?”
“JBUDD”
That’s when the little red button underneath the desk is pressed and red lights start flaring as the whole building is evacuated…

So what I’m trying to say is if the company found that on HER blog… Is it outrageous to say that old farm found MY complaint? So in other words… I can get whatever I want by writing it here! MAN I HATE how Bill Gates NEVER gives me a million dollars! GOSH! What a LOSER!!!! GET A LIFE! What, you think going to Africa and trying to stop aids makes up for the fact that I still DON’T have a million dollars?! How selfish of you…

Anyway… To be continued…

McDonalds - The secrets behind the golden arches

I was thinking about a joke my friend made about McDonald's slogan, “It’s what I eat and what I do” Seriously, I don’t get what they’re trying to say with this!

It sounds like a mom trying to get her 400 pound five-year-old outside to get some exercise, and the kid responds with, “THIS IS WHAT I EAT!!! THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! OK?!!” “DON’T MESS WITH ME! THIS is what I’m doing… THIS is what I eat! NOTHING ELSE!!!” the mom asks, “do you want pizza? Do you want to watch a movie?” he responds with, “NO. only THIS. ONLY MCDONALDS is what I DO!” Soon after these kids grow up on this slogan, they’re gonna reach the ripe old age of 80, and realize they haven’t accomplished anything…

“ALL I’ve done is McDonalds my whole life! …” 

THAT’S when the law suits come in… BAD business move in my book. How do you DO McDonalds anyway? I don’t think anyone wants to admit to that slogan. “this is all I eat, and do.” So why do they do it?

Lets look at some slogans from McDonalds past:

     Enjoy the best food at McDonald's (1973) - I recommend you get the BEST food here, in retrospect to all our BAD food…

     We do it all for you (1975) - We love you SOOO much that we serve you transfatty sandwiches to increase your likelihood of death! :)

     Nobody makes your day like McDonald's can (1980-1983) – “I’ll have a big mac… and what they heck, throw in a good day too!”

     That's My McDonald's (1981) – HEY! That’s MY McDONALDS!!! POLICE!

     McDonald's and you (1983) – Their sad attempt to start a speed dating organization

     McDonald's is your place to be (1986) – Do you enjoy sports? Or maybe the great outdoors? Well stop wasting your time, and get down to McDONALDS! Cuz it’s your place to be… We even put in a new BALL pit so you NEVER have to leave… nothing like sleeping on a bunch of hard plastic balls!

     Food, folks and fun (1990) – That’s the three things we got. We got FOOD, Parents, and a BALL pit! (mcdonalds is not responsible for any suffocation/trampling of your child in his feeble attempt to escape.)

     McDonald's Today (1991-1992) – Tired of other BORING newspapers like “New York Times” or “USA Today?” Well subscribe to the new McDonalds’s Today! Where you get DAILY updates on Ronald McDonalds fashion statements, and updates on the polices recent findings of the escaped, “hamburgler.” Also find tips on how to hamburgler proof your house with 25 simple tips by John Walsh! But you ask, “What if I’m a tree hugger and STILL want reliable news?” NO PROBLEM… OUR paper is made entirely out of excess potato skins, ensuring all you hippies all the trees and more to hug. So subscribe and save the planet, one newspaper at a time!


     What you want is what you get (1992) – ever wondered about what you’re going to get? SIMPLE… it’s what you ordered stupid!

     Do you believe in magic? (1993) – They were debating between this one and, “What’s your favorite color?”

     Have you had your break today? (1995-1997) – They were debating between this one and, “How’s it goin?”

     My McDonald's (1997) - My own… my PRECIOUS!!!

     Did somebody say McDonald's? (1997) – am I hearing voices?

     We love to see you smile (2000-2003) – After working long grueling shifts without sunlight or joy… we LOVE to see the rare occasion when someone actually smiles.

     There's a little McDonald's in everyone (2002) – I think I remember on the commercial it had a bunch of people dressed up in lab coats with a voice over that said, “Statistics show, that 10 percent of our body weight is attributed to the transfat from McDonalds…” then a metallic McDonalds crushed the screen, and said, “There’s a little McDonald’s in everyone…”

     I'm lovin' it (2003) – I actually liked this one. Why did they get rid of it?

     It's what I eat and what I do (2005) - yep


     What we're made of (2008-present) – This proves that evolution is false. Naturally you’d think that throughout the life of one of the largest corporations in the world, that the slogans would adapt, and get better and better. Survival of the fittest. But seriously, what are they trying to say? WHAT are you made of?  Is that even grammatically correct?


In other news.  It looks like Jaymin Vickers is the winner of this years Winter Solstice Stache.  He will be recieving one CD of the sweater sweeties christmas album. thank you.

-JBUDD OUT!

A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.

2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 

3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 

4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 

5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…

One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...

9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.

ANYWAY…

The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)


#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)


#5 Lance Hancock

Santa Claus Caught Red Shirt-ed!

What am I doing writing on Christmas eve? Shouldn’t you be frantically waiting with anticipation for Santa to come down my non-existent chimney? Well… Santa has already been spotted… at like 10 o clock this year. He’s starting to have an earlier curfew than I remember. I walked outside this OFFICE I’m presently sitting in, and I screamed, because there he was! The old Nick himself… I heard if you see him in person that your blood BOILS and you melt to the ground and turn to dust… or was that Indiana Jones? Doesn’t matter. But I saw him! He was wearing J-shorts, and a little Santa shirt, and was stuffing the stockings… I gave out a yelp, and he said, “Hey, it’s Santa, dressed up like your dad!” for a moment, I doubted my Santa faith… Had all my prayers to Santa since I was 5 gone to waste? but as the good book says, “you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” And I think that was a big trial just now… and I overcame… and because of that… Santa is going to reach deep into his ever giving bag of mystical wonder, and pull me out a new camero… like the one I saw in Transformers, which I watched for the first time 2 days ago.

One question… why did the cube turn all the electronics into BAD transformers? Where are all the good ones coming from then? Answer THAT my friend… and if they can just choose to be any ol vehicle they wanted, as they suggested when those comet robots hit the ground, and chose the car of their choice to become… then why didn’t they ALL choose to be Really sick fighter Jets? If you can answer both of those questions, I’ll give you a cracker jack maybe. I got this cool new comment box at the bottom of the page, which you can sign in with your facebook account and post… pretty nifty… speaking of… anyone notice the new design of this webpage? I sure did… probably cuz I spent hours figuring out how to web design…

but if you ever are feeling low and blue,

and just need to figure out what to do,

when the tears come streaming down your face,

and you lose something you cant replace,

when all is lost,

and nothing is found,

don’t forget to turn that frown upside down.

Just open up your browser of choice (since there’s like 50 now)

And make a little invoice…

And when I say invoice, I really meant, go to jbuddnews and just admire it’s beauty… and think to yourself… What have I done with my life? Will I ever amount to anything? And when you look at that cool design… you’ll realize, NO… no you won't… so stop waiting for Santa to come down his chimney, cuz he AINT coming for YOU… he only visits people on his NICE list… and sends the rest of the people coal! I wonder where he gets all that coal from… he has to be running some sweat shop to do it. I’m sure he’s breaking labor laws all OVER the place.

If I ever got the coal in the stocking, I think I would just say to myself, “REAL mature Santa… REAL mature! Can you get any more ORIGINAL than that? Haven’t you gotten sick of your little practical joke, coal in the stocking yet? Is it still funny to you?

Actually that must be a pretty funny the first 100 times. When I have kids, I’m gonna try that one out… see if it scars them for life or not… could be a good experiment. They wake up all groggy on Christmas morning, excited to see the toys underneath the tree, and then BAM. NOTHIN! Just a big pile of black coal staining the carpet… and I’ll walk out of my room and be like, “SHOOT!!! TIMMY!! I KNEW you shouldn’t have gotten in a fight with your sister! NOW look what you’ve done! You’ve RUINED CHRISTMAS! NO PRESents for ANYONE!!! Probably the neighbors next door TOO! All because of YOOOUU!!!

What do you think would happen to that kid? Enlighten me….

Well since we’re on the topic of my website… or Santa… whichever… I added a new little button at the top called, “JBUDD FILMS” you should check it out ;) … ONLY while you’re contemplating the meaning of life of course… yes yes yes…

Speaking of JBUDD FILMS… we have released a new movie. Me and my whistling quartet decided to put out a new Christmas album and made a music video to go with it.



The video was inspired while me and Jeremy were sitting in the hallway one night, and started harmonizing our whistles, and started laughing uncontrollably… and “the sweater sweeties” was born. If you have any friends who have shown interest in whistling quartets and completely homo-dancing, be sure to forward the video to them ;)

I think we’ve got time for a comment

****COMMENT****
This will blow your mind... and could be the theme of festivus 2009 stache forever...and i am not going to start mine until saturday...sorry i need to be clean shaven til she leaves right???:)




***REMARKS***
For those of you who don’t know… we’re having a mustache growing contest right now. I probably should have told you guys earlier so you could have joined in too… but maybe next time we’ll have the pictures posted up. And YOU guys get to be judges to ‘audience choice” mustache. Sound gravy? Good. And all you mustache growers out there… explain to me what a mustache is like in 5 words or less. We should be having our festivus party this week sometime. And as the great Coldplay once said… “lets talk… lets ta-a-a-a-alk.” We’ll talk ;) Merry Christmas

JBUDD OUT!!!

P.S.
This is how my stache is doing so far…  and I'm pretty sure this is what I look like whenever I'm writing these things.

How to write your own will... #18

Good HECK! Wasn’t it a beautiful day today? The weather made my day. When the weather’s cold, my classes seem like I’m just waiting in a military bunker in Siberia, waiting to go out to battle. But today the birds were chirping, and everything felt… EXUBERANT (for lack of better words.) Even my CLASSES seemed more interesting. My business law professor was holding a pen today, and it exploded in his hand without him realizing it, and he did one of those nose swipes and put a PERFECT little Hitler mustache on his face, and EVERYTHING he said was funny after that! Except when he started yelling at us in German, and two guys dressed in black carried some kid out of class… NOBODY saw that coming…

In class today we learned about wills. Wills are defined as: power trips from beyond the grave. EVEN though I’m dead… I’m STILL going to control what happens to you!!

I was thinking about MY will… what could I possibly put in it? Well… what do I own? “and my pog collection will go to little Timmy” “my half can of tuna can go to my roommates who’ve been eying it down in the fridge.”

Since when did my net worth get so low? You see those guys on t.v. “Donald trump is worth 5 billion dollars” or whatever… I’d love to see how they’d calculate MY net worth…. “alright, you got eleven and a half pairs of socks, some pants shoes, and shirts… a box of macaroni, and 3 slices of top raman… That comes to a subtotal of 40 bucks… would you like paper or plastic…” what does that number even mean anyway? He’s worth 2 trillion! What does that even mean? Are we to the point where we’re selling people on the market now? “I’ll take … one Bob Frakenburg… and… what the heck, throw in a bill gates!” I thought all that stuff ended with the 14th amendment? I don’t know why the heck we’re calculating what people are worth…

>>>>ANYWAY…

Since MY will obviously can’t have anything to do with material things… I’ve I’m going to put random things in it.

I can picture it now, a bunch of people gathered in a circle reading my will as my old dead body lies warm in my bed. I just happened to be wearing this big purple heart shaped jewel around my neck… The one begins to read. His finger following each carefully placed word:
“Go to the backyard and dig a hole!! and then… throw my body into it! GO AHEAD! Don’t be shy! The shovel’s in the garage next to that big mining pick!”
How often have you ever needed to use your mining pick anyway? Every house has one… I just ONCE want to be chilling at my friend’s house, watching a movie or something, and see his dad come into the house, just COVERED in black residue…
“WHAT HAPPENED ED??”
“ah, nothing, just been down in the hole collecting fossil fuels for your stockings this Christmas! You’d be surprised how much coal is under that SANDBOX over there!” at this point we look out the window too see poor Timmy playing with his new pog set, when the sandbox collapses into them mine… looks like no coal for timmy THIS Christmas…


I’m just not into the whole fancy funeral thing. Just what’s the big deal? Who are we trying to kid? Are we trying to make the people who just died feel good that they actually had people show up? Most of them you probably don’t even know anyway! Are we afraid that the person is going to come back and haunt us if we don’t do these things?

And we go all out with the expensive casket and everything… What do those things cost? Like 5 grand? Excuse me? This is the same glorified box we’re going to be burying in a 6 foot deep hole? How bout I make a box, and you give me that 5 grand! They even give you a little PILLOW in there! Now what crack head came up with that?! We figured since he’s gonna be in that box for a couple hundred years, might as well make him comfortable… and what the hey, lets put the guy in a tuxedo too! Just in case he meets another dead lady down there and wants to go on a date!

So in MY will, I want to change some things up.
I figures since I already get a pillow… might as well be in a good sleeping position… so when everyone shows up to the viewing, they’ll see me laid on my side in the fetal position… one arm thrown up underneath my pillow, and the other one’s flopped over my chest. My face will be buried in my pillow, and they’ll even add fake drool to make it seem more realistic… I’ll be wearing Pajama bottoms, and my favorite Riverton shirt and I’ll have a Nintendo DS next to me, cuz if I happen to wake up in the coffin, hey! They’ve got MARIO in this thing! I figure if I’m gonna need a pillow down there, I DEFINITELY will need some entertainment … If I’m going down… I’m going down in style…

How To Mooch off your friends... #17

OK OK OK, I haven’t written for a month, SO SUE ME!

I thought you learned by now that JBUDD news is unpredictable… it’s the predictable newsletters you can’t depend on… cuz you never know when they’ll do something, completely stupid… but with JBUDD news you can ALWAYS depend on it being undependable…

As you can tell, I’ve recently watched pirates of the Caribbean… not by choice… now I’m not saying that I don’t consider it one of my favorite movies… but that I hadn’t planned on watching it. I know we’ve all been there, you’re walking past the TV, and you’re like, “hey what’s that moving thing you’re looking at?” Then you turn you’re head, and then BAM! An hour later you’re watching the credits roll… still holding your psychology book pretending that maybe perhaps you’re going to study it while watching it…

We use bait to catch fish… and if THEY ever wanted to get revenge and catch us cruel humans… I would HIGHLY suggest to use a T.V. “hey what’s that?” then by the time the subject latches on to the T.V. BAM he’s in the boat… Fish catching Humans? That doesn’t make sense!

Last night I was walking past the T.V. and an hour later I saw the credits scrolling for the movie, “NINJA TURTLES” and I think THAT was a pretty far fetched Idea… I’m not sure HOW the creators came up with that… they HAD to have been tripping on acid… “dude! Dude dude! I GOT IT!!! What if… these turtles, could like FIGHT eachother and TALK!” and his friend was like, “COWABUNGA DUDE!”

For those that haven’t seen it, the alleged turtles were thrown into a sewer, and then they came across some glowing green GOO, and it made their whole genetic code change in such a way where they could walk and talk, and do kung foo…

Now days, us movie watchers want more EVEDENCE… back in the day we used to be able to say, “the turtles walked in to some green goo, and that’s how they became the ninja turtles... ALRIGHT!” no questions asked… audiences all over the world were watching it in theaters nodding their heads saying, “I see where they’re going with this!!” NOW days… people are a lot more picky…

Anyone see the first Hulk? Yeah, the first 30 minutes of that movie was dedicated to the science of Hulkanism… how a person could actually TURN into a green monster when he’s angry…imagine trying to explain that! …They talked about genetics, physics, biology, chemistry, quantum physics, BIOGENETIC quantum physics…. Til finally the audiences were like…. “Yeah….. I GUESS that could have happened?” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OL days of the glowing green goo that explained everything?!!

The comic book publisher would ask,:
“So how’d he become spiderman?”
“well the kid was bit by a spider that fell into some green goo…”
“OH ok!”
“what about this dare devil character?”
“well the green goo got in his eyes, so now he can see sound!”
“Fantastic FO”
“GOO!”
“… I like your originality kid… You’ve got yourself a deal!”

Parents would use it to teach their kids things they didn’t want them to know…
“where do babies come from?”
The green goo
“What happened to Kitty?”
The green goo ate him
“mom, why are you and daddy eating the cookies left out for santa?”
Um… uh… GREEN GOO!!!

It was the perfect cover…

>>>>>>>>>ANYWAYS #1

Now that I’m a big college boy, I’ve learned a few things:

1: The art of “mooching” – I think us moochers have gotten a bad rep. for ONE, because of the closeness of the word MOOCH to SMOOCH… and for TWO cuz of the song, “minnie the moocher” I think the moochers of this world are misunderstood, and misrepresented… I think WE deserve a National Moochers Day! I think WE deserve Moochers PRIDE month… I think WE deserve a Moochers Pride Parade! I HAVE A DREAM ladies and gentleman! That some day a moocher would be aloud to adopt a baby from a family that aren’t moochers! We say that all men are born equal… does this not include moochers?!

The problem is people think that we mooch ONLY cuz we’re cheep and trying to take advangage of the other person… NO NO NO! they’ve got it all wrong… really the art of mooching is all about love… You’ve got to have LOVE for the person who’s talking your food without asking… when you see that poor chap that has only but macaroni and cheese for dinner, you get to feel that love for him and let him mooch off of your hamburger helper… common… who’s your neighbor? Who’s your neighbor?

ALSO we’d like to officially recognize September 23, 2009 as Moochers day…
SO to save me time and head aches for having to answer the emails subjected, “how do I celeberate Moochers day?” I’ll just answer it now:

The first thing one must do in celebrating “Moochers day” is to decorate of course! So the best way to do that is get the decorations from your friends… you can use anything you really want really… Toiletpaper…. Cans of TUNA… your FHE partner’s Guitar Hero set… and then once you’re done decorating the house, you sing the traditional moochmas songs, classic favorites like:

“Oh Susana! What’d you bring for me?”
“Old mcdonald HAAAD a cow…”
And the classic, “we WISH you a merry MOOCHMAS” with emphasis on the last verse, “Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
and…
“ we WONT go until we GET SOME!”
… what exactly IS figgy pudding anyway?
Not important…

So at the end of the day, you call up your “most frequently mooched friend.” (MFMF) and then tell them thanks for all the things they do for you… (this ensures another conflict free season of mooching…)

MERRY MOOCHERS DAY EVERYONE!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
You know, you really ought to blog. you've been doing this hilarious news letter for a long time. before blogging was around. it's perfect for a blog. just a thought. you're a funny man mr. jbudd. thanks for the laughs.

- Rachel Clark

>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
That’s what IVE been trying to tell everyone… FINALLY people are getting it! As for the blog… BLOG that Idea! HA!

>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
Mr. JBUDD!!!! I have been waiting ages for this moment! This has just made my year so much better! Keep it goin strong......... You know what I mean (:

-Andrew Dillman

>>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
FIRST of all… that’s DEFINITELY the weirdest smiley I’ve seen (: I can accept bad GRAMMER, and bad SPELLING… but wrong SMILEYS!!! That’s definitely crossing the line… for that! NO MOOCHMAS PRESENT FOR YOU!

>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
Hello,
hey where have you been recently ? I did not get any mail from you for a long time. Anyway, I found a very quality online pharmacy. I ordered some meds and I got them in 3 days. I remember last time you were asking for a cheap and quality pharmacy.here it is :
Their url : (URL REMOVED)
-Roben Heavens

>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
Uh… I’m excited to see YOU TOO… Roben… I’m so glad that since we’ve been friends for so long, and since you haven’t seen me for like 21 years that you’d be SOOOO excited to send me this email… And I’m ALSO glad that you care SOOO much for my health that you felt you should send me that URL with so much medicine in it...

Now THAT’S a real friend ladies and gentleman… one who’s willing to sell cheep or illegal drugs to their friends in need…

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week.
I'll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,

JBUDD

PS
Random people are always coming up to me and telling me I look like some celebraty… I KNOW I KNOW, I must just have one of those…. FACES I guess… two common ones I get are: JUDE LAW, and HOUSE…

So GUESS which one I look like more, and if you’re right, I’ll give you a free EMAIL!

(BTW the picture is attached…)

FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN, A BIG FAT SHMLIXTEEN? (Revival)

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.

OOOOHHH YEAAAAH!!! Stretch those arms and fingertips out… WOOOH! Here we are folks… We’re here once again! Can you believe it? Did you do a double take when you saw that email in your inbox? Did your heart drop as if you just received a letter from your long lost lover that you thought died in a fire? Well… I didn’t die in a fire… I just… needed some time to clear my head that’s all… THEN you’re probably gonna think that I’m some proteinic jerk, for faking my death, just to get away from you… then you’ll cry a little, but after some time, the stab will turn into a dull ache, and the humor you once found in JBUDD news will return…
Not much has happened the last two years, so I’ll just jump to the chase… I’m not sure where or what the chase is… but we’re going to be jumping to it… so buckle up…

I was thinking about seatbelts like two days ago… MY WHOLE LIFE I’ve worn this thing… in elementary school that’s the first thing they teach you. Wear a seatbelt. The second is look both ways before crossing the road… the kids that don’t pass THAT test usually don’t make it to the end of first grade, so they figured they’d put it first on the syllabus… I’ve worn that noose we call seatbelts for 20 years… and what has it done for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! It has never once prevented me from dying… and that’s pretty strait across the board for everyone I’m pretty sure… We DEFINITELY wear the seatbelt more when we DON’T need it, than we wear it while crashing into something… I’m pretty sure the ratio is like a billion to one. The only problem is if you’re NOT wearing it when that moment of truth comes, you’re skrewed… So every trip we take, we put it on, knowing that we probably won’t need it, but knowing that someday we might need it, so we just anticipate the day when all of our sweat and pain have paid off… all the times we kinked our arms back and pulled a muscle trying to reach the buckle… all the wasted energy in snapping it in… I think MY first car crash I’m going to be ecstatic. I’m gonna jump out of the car cheering… IT WORKED IT WORKED! for after much labor comes the reward… and that’s the only reward you’re gonna get. A messed up car, and your life…

ANYWAY>>>>>

The summer is coming to the close, and we’re all going to be moving out to college soon… when I say all of us, I mean all those that will be going to college. For those of you that don’t know, I’m going to be going to the place of Logan, to the university they call utah state. I’m moving up on the pyramid, when I left I was at a state college, NOW I’m officially at a University… So you can now start calling me MR. JBUDD…

I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

The best part about switching colleges, and living with a bunch of dudes that you never met, is that they know NOTHING about you! You can just completely rewrite your history, and make stuff up, and they’ll just automatically BELIEVE YOU!… so this is my plan. This isn’t a joke, when I go down to college, I’m changing my name to “rain” when you meet someone new, you ask for their name, and what do they usually say? There name! you don’t second guess it… so since I’m gonna be meeting a LOT of new people, I’m just gonna say I’m rain, and go with a new image… I’m gonna where cowboy boots, ride a horse to school, and in my spare time I’m going to plant corn where the grass used to be by our apartment, to get back to the old farm look that we miss so much… yee haw! Giddy up!

So next time, I’ll report to you guys on how my new nickname is going down there… so thanks for reading, and until next time…. JBUDD OUT!!!!

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,
JBUDD

P.P.S

If you smell your hands right after you hold a bunch of pennies. You can pretend for a moment that you're actually a robot.

Numero el fifteeno (last one.)

Well Ladymen and GENTLEmen, this may be the last JBUDD NEWZ (ooh, z) ye shall be receiving from me for two years.

SO last time I asked ye where you thought I would be going, and I never actually announced any winners. Here’s what some of YOU guessed:

Kyle Challis: Provo, Utah.
>>>>COMMENT: uh… I think I’d make up a sin just to NOT go there. I’m sorry I commited…. Jazzer…fi…CATION! JAZZERFICATION! Sorry bishop I can’t go! (just kidding. I’d go there if I had to.)

Rachel Holt:
1. Florida? only because I can't spell Louisanna
2. Brazil, because I mean, EVERYONE goes to brazil, its the cool place to be apparently. I wish I was there. think of all those missionaries...mmmm...
3. Poland. uh huh.
>>>>>COMMENT: I don’t know what possessed you to give THREE answers, I specifically asked for ONE! But irregardless, you’re wrong! Get out of here!

Lahindsahee Hatch: ARGENTINA ALL THE WAY BABY!
>>>>>COMMENT: Baby? as in: I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby?

Meagan Bentley:
first of all...Canada
second of all- the beach boys, one of the first boy bands, often speak of
wanting to GET married…
>>>>>COMMENT:
First of all… ok, you’re WRONG
SECOND of all… I know you are but what am I! HA!

Meagan Wyllie: I guess the southwest like Arizona or Texas.
>>>>>COMMENT: OOH, two Meagan’s, and two answers! PARTY!

Brayden Kemp: Witchita, Kanses...or maybe Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...we could be missionary companions...but nonetheless, I am saying, Witchita.
>>>>>COMMENT: first of all, it’s Wichita, I only know that because spell check underlined it. BUT if their actually ARE witches in Wichita, then I think the spelling is robbing the town of some sweet tourism action.

Katie Sparrow (Jack sparrow’s little sister…)
I'm not sure where you'll go...i'm going to say Africa....
>>>>>COMMENT: really? You’re not sure? Africa’s kinda a big guess… You should have just said, “EARTH, I CALL EARTH! NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE IT! NO BATTLE! …. yes!...”



OK, before I announce the winner, I’d like to spank (thank) all the participants, and the good workers here at JBUDD NEWS who spend the time every day editing through all the thousands of emails I get to ensure that only the BEST get in here. ;) and most of all, I’d like to thank myself for writing these. Ok:

I just measured the mileage, and I’d just like to mention that no one was even CLOSE. The closest would be at the horn of Africa measuring 4,727 miles. Congrats captain sparrow, you win! The TOP PRIZE is a picture of me I’ll email you. And in last place was hatch face’s Argentina which is very close to the EXACT OPPOSITE end of the world measuring 11,319 miles! Congrats?


OK, I’ve got a few things to tell ye before I do some rambling.

WHO: YOU
WHAT: ARE INVITED!
WHAT: TO MY FARWELL
WHEN: JUNE 24th, at 9:00am
WHERE: church on the corner of 13400 S and 2700 W in RIVERTON
HOW: dressed in church cloths

Remember those invitations you’d get to like your best friends birthday party? WHO WHAT WHEN WERE HOW! I think the point was to teach the kid how to plan something logically, “wait… I need to tell them WHEN? WHERE? What is this thing? MOM! Plan my party for me!” At least that’s how it was when I was a kid. My friends never planned there birthday party, heck, we would even have our moms CALL the other kid over, “can you have Brandon come over and play with me?” maybe that’s because no one actually WANTED to play with me, so I had to get my mom to talk to there mom and FORCE them to… yeah, being a kid was great. Imagine trying that out now. HEY MOM! Can you force Hillary to go on a date with me? Actually, lets just get married.

****STORY OF THE WEEK****

The day: Tuesday june 19th.
The time: 3:00pm

I was sitting at my house all bored when I went to go into my room to get some shoes to put on, when I noticed my door was turned away from me. MEANING someone was in there. That’s when I heard it, my mother in her best nagging voice says to me, “I wish you’d learn how to use a hanger, I payed blah blah blah suit blah blah blah dry clean.” And of course my defenses are THROWN up! “well I wish you wouldn’t clean my room!” ooh, good comeback! Well she retaliated with something I don’t remember, but this for a moment had me all worked up so I went back upstairs and thought, what if when she came back up, I was gone! The old traditional childhood thought. But don’t discredit me too much, I quickly laughed and thought at how childish I was being. Then I thought about it some more… hey, that would be pretty fun. Just jump on my bike and start riding. I entertained this thought for awhile debating on whether I should or not. So finally I got my sleeping bag, a jug of water and jumped on my piece of HUNK bike. And I said I’d just start riding and fall asleep wherever I ended up. It just so happened to be I was in Provo when it became night time. So long story short I climbed to the “Y” and slept up there. Pretty much was the worst sleep of my life. Not gonna lie.

But I did discover a few things on this long journey all by myself:

Discovery #1:
My back hurts from carrying this stupid sleeping bag with me. Why did I do that?

Discovery #2:
While listening to coldplay and riding your bike, sing along at the top of your lungs. In return you will receive funny looks from passing people. It will make you smile.

Discovery #3:
Hey I found a natural hot spring!

Discovery #4: hiking the Y is really hard after riding 50 miles

Discovery #5: Find level ground to sleep on. Otherwise you’ll keep sliding down towards that 3 foot cliff.

Discovery #6: Sitting down on your bike seat after a day of biking SUCKS.

Anyway….

So then I woke up at 6:00 and jumped on the bus back to riverton and as I did, I pondered a few things:

The bus is REALLY just a waiting room on wheels. You walk up to the receptionist (the driver) He tells you you’re at the right place, and that your destination will be right with you. It’s about a half hour wait. You sit down; you get comfortable, maybe pull out something to read… “I wonder what’s wrong with THAT guy…” Hoping to avoid small talk at any cost.
I wanna hop on a bus that has only one person on it and just sit RIGHT NEXT to them, and not say a word. Maybe even lean on them a little. Now THAT would be awkward. There’s like this unwritten rule that no one can talk. One day before I die, I want those bus doors to open, and as they do, I hear the pounding techno music being blasted in my ears. I walk up to the bus driver (who’s dressed like a clown from the 80’s…) and everyone cheers my name in complete sync, “JBUDD!” There’s drinks, tables, card games. Not too many people are sitting down… I mean, they give you that BAR to hang on to while standing up. Which provides the perfect “flirt stance” for guys and girls, one hand on the bar, the other one CASUALLY in the pocket, or used for the occasional ‘tap on the shoulder’ followed by laughter. Really, the bus should be a GREAT place to meet people. “so… you ride the bus too huh?”
anyway, enough with my fantasy.

I also like to look around at all the signs posted all over. My personal favorite, is the “seeing eye dog” being allowed, as opposed to NORMAL pets not… my first thought is… they’re blind! What good is that picture going to do! But don’t worry the smart people at UTA made sure that all the rules are posted in BRAIL underneath the corresponding picture! I wanna JUST ONCE in my life time, be sitting on the back row of the bus. When this crazy lunatic runs in with his seeing eye dog. Finds the nearest wall and just starts feeling around. “I’VE GOT TO FIND THE RULES! WHERE ARE THEY? There’s a wall here PEOPLE, and I know there’s brail SOMEWHERE on it!” meanwhile, everyone’s just pissed at him as he’s running into them. “No combustibles on the bus? Since when?”


WELL. I’m done. The end.
JBUDD NEWS, adieux.


ps. I wrote a poem real fast
JBUDD news
you are cool
when I was 2
I used to drool

JBUDD news
oh baby
oh baby
JBUDD NEWS! (guitar riff.)
the end.

Number 14

I’d like to welcome you all out to JBUDD NEWS 14th edition. Tomorrow I’ll probably be getting my mission call… so Reply to this email, and make a guess on where I’m going, if you’re the closest person, you will get TOP PRIZE!!!

So I just remembered a story… STORY TIME!!!!

So it’s the summer of ’06 and I’m with my good friend Skyler. We decided to go to taco bell, because HEY, who doesn’t like taco bell? I mean a half pound burrito for a buck! Now that’s VALUE! Anyway… So this particular time, the drive thru line was pretty enormous. So we had to wait for awhile trying to entertain each other. Skyler at least had the advantage of having a rear view mirror, in which he used to look at the girl in the car behind us. He said to me, “she’s pretty cute.” I couldn’t really see her myself. So skyler says to me, “I’ll give you 5 bucks if you go back there and get her phone number!” Now I thought that I was somewhat of a hunk of meat, so I was thinking…”no problem, I’ve got it! I’ve got it!”
I get out of the car, and as I’m walking up to her window, I’m thinking to myself, “she’s not that cute…” I’m trying to think of what I’m going to say, my mind is racing, but my body is CALM. I walk up to her all smoothly, “you must have played football because you’ve got a TIGHT END!” OWWW! Jk. I don’t know what I actually said… but it was pretty smooth as I recall. So I ask her, “can I have your number?” She points at her stomach and replies:
“I’m 6 months pregnant!”
…..
….. I’m standing in the middle of the road hitting on a pregnant lady…. Hahahahaha.
I bursted into laughter and said that this was going to make a great story, shook her hand and went to my car and laughed for like 5 minutes.
In the end I didn’t get her phone number.

ANYWAY

I think we’re all adult enough to admit that yes, we all liked backstreet boys at some point in our lives. Not in a homosexual way, but in a, “I could see me listening to this. Not like EVERY day, but maybe every OTHER day? I don’t know…” The songs really had some emotion. Some days I just felt like saying, girl, “QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!” I always thought that song was WAY to calm for the lyrics. They lyrics are like a demand you’d hear at a gun point. I longed to hear nick just SCREAMING at the top of his lungs crying. “QUIT PLAYING GAMES @*&!#” he’d actually SAY “quit playing games at asterisk and exclamation point pound!” it could have been a number one JAM. But instead, it was only a number two.

The backstreet boys WERE cool. Emphasis on WERE. There was a moment when everyone liked them, but then some kid made fun of another kid for liking them. Someone made a personal attack on the body we call “the backstreet boys.” Someone decided it would be funny to call them “The backstreet GIRLS.” DISREGARDING the scientific evidence that they are actually indeed BOYS, starting a huge prejudism and injustice to all who liked them, JUST for the benefit of themselves. Whow wants to like a band people call “backstreet girls?” anyway? NOT ME! Girls can’t be backstreet! No one’s going to listen to that! Now all because of that first kid to make fun of them, all of a sudden the whole 4th grade wasn’t allowed to like them. Tyranny had taken over the playground. People were told to deny there boyband or suffer public humiliation. Anarchy had broken out, never to return… Hope was disappearing, the future seamed somewhat… bleak.

The same thing happened with Barney the dinosaur! Before kindergarten EVERY kid was watching Barney! Then first day of school, the same kid stands up and informs the whole class, “just to let you new comers know… now that we’re officially in public school, a few things need to go. #1 picking your nose… You either have to do it before or after school, or do it when no one is looking, or else roomers will spread about you faster then a wild fire. #2 Barney… is out! (gasp from the kids.) I’m sorry, I didn’t make the rules, But you WILL be made fun of from here on out for watching it in any forms.” And that’s what happened. Kids still watched it… but they watched it in secret. As if they were escaping Auschwitz. Then every once in awhile the witch hunt would begin and false accusations would be made.
“Timmy stole my shoe teacher!”
“well HE watches BARNEY!” (gasp from the class)
The teacher suddenly stops what she’s doing and has to step in and mediate this argument, “is it true you watch barney Ronald?”
The kid at this point is trembling, “no…” but alas, his knees are trembling and it is obvious that he’s lying.
“don’t make me repeat myself Ronald… did you watch barney or not!”
at this point little Ronald breaks down in tears as the teacher yells to the two biggest kids in the room. “TAKE HIM AWAY!”

That’s how it happened, as far as I remember. That’s how the backstreet boys were. But I’d have you guys know that I’ve had a dark secret since that time. And I am READY to take a stand against this Injustice. I JBUDD want to be in a boyband. It’s true. I mean, I’ve got the dance moves already… I’ve been practicing saying, “girl” as best I can. The only problem is… Is I don’t think I’m allowed to get married.

I’m pretty sure that being in a boy band automatically disqualifies you to ever being married. You never hear any boy band song talking about them actually GETTING the girl. That’s right, you know it’s true. All they sing about is how the girl is breaking there heart, or how much they want the girl. But NEVER do they actually SAY, “girl, I got you. You are my girl. We’re going to get married… and start a family!” In reality that makes sense. I mean who would want to listen to this.
“GIRL! Today I got home from work! And the house was kind of messy! And Dinner wasn’t made! So I threw my shoe thru the wall! You ran out crying! So I made a TV DINNER! And it was… kind of cold! So PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!” Married songs just don’t work. “I changed the kid’s diaper. And it really stunk. Then I did the dishes! And you thought that it was really cool. So we went to TACO BELL!!!! And You paid for it! and GIRL, that made my night!”

That one goes out to all my groupies on row five!!! Anyway. JBUDD OUT!!!

COMMENT>>>>>>
How do I unsubscribe from this? I have no clue how I got onto this list, or who you are, but I get way too many emails from you without having any clue who you are.

RESPONSE>>>>>>
Couldn’t take it eh? Couldn’t handle the news from some random kid that you have no idea who he is eh? Well cool. If anyone else is in this boat, just send me an email with “unsubscribe” into the subject line.
Woah! I just made a discovery. I think Gmail puts anyone who ever emailed you into your contacts or something. Because I deleted this guy off the list and now he’s there again. If anyone has a solution tell me.

Lucky number 13!

Well... I know what you're all thinking. "It's been like 2 months since the last one! You said that you were going to write shorter more frequent JBUDD NEWS'es! I like to complain a lot! Me me me me!" well let me tell you a story. There once was a little boy who planted a carrot seed. Everyone said that It was never going to grow. Long story short it grew to the fear of everyone. The little kid went around with his fury and rampage, collecting the money from the bets he made with them. He eventually made thousands of dollars off of his carrot seed bet, and became a millionaire at age 12. He now has a wife who's expecting child within the next month. But little does the carrot seed kid know that the child isn't his... That's the moral of this story... If you plant a carrot seed, you'll have an illegitimate child. And thus we can relate to JBUDD NEWS?

>>>>ANYWAY

You know what I think is a bunch of crap? Uncle Sam. THAT's RIGHT! I said it! UNCLE SAM!

I'm not saying that I'm a flaming democrat that hates the U.S. I'm saying that I think our country's mascot is in need of some souping up.

I am convinced that Uncle Sam was even more random then my "Steve" mascot for MY made up holiday. I can just see it now. The president is sitting in his office filling out his tax refund, thinking to himself, "Man, this country is as stingy as my uncle Sam." Then right at that moment the light bulb turned on, and angelic choirs were heard in the distance.

That particular president was actually awarded the Nobel prize in 1821.


Growing up as a current U.S. citizen, I've grown to get used to all my schools and sports team's mascots. "the BEARS, the GRIZZLIES, the SILVERWOLVES, the LOCNESS MONSTER'S!"

Man those are ferocious. When I hear those names I think, "man I'm scared of them… bears eat me. Silverwolves… ouch. The loc ness… is big… and tasty. (so I hear) then you'll get the general mascots like: the Indians, the miners, and TROJAN MAN! I'm pretty fly with these ones. I mean wouldn't it be nice to just be the "USA: Americans" "Riverton: Rivertonians" (ooh, sounds tough.) Wouldn't that just make the world so much easier? "We are the rivertonians! Uh huh! We are the rivertonians, the mighty mighty rivertonians! And WE! SHALL! CONQUER!! WOOOOO! (cheerleaders are kicking in the air while holding up there index finger. Pretending that we're actually number one… Who are they trying to convince? The crowd already knows we're not number one, we're DOWN 42 to 6! Anyway…) No more memorizing teams that I have to pretend to know. "OOH, the darts are playing the raptors!" Everyone's all into the game, I'm just sitting in the back all confused, "GO… GO RAPTORS… Hit them with the claw! Whip him with your tail! Fight and win my favorite sports team! May your superior raptor abilities take down those measly inanimate objects…" everyone's looking at me, a coke can glances off my head… yeah, I miss middle school…

Wouldn't that be a nice way for fighting wars?


CNN REPORT IN IRAQ:

The announcers have these headsets on…

Announcer1: I just don't think that the Iraqi bombers have the defense to handle the USA: koala bear's.

Announcer2: I'd agree. What coach sadaam should do is put in his weaker forces in the front line, then flank them from the right with the special opps!

Announcer1: and if koala's coach Bush had his head on straight he'd bomb them from above with a bowing 747!

Announcer2: whatever happens, we can GUARANTEE the audiences that this is going to be an EXILLERATING match!

(yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about… but you get the point!)

>>>>>ANYWAY

Sam... Strait up sam… Is that the image we want to give to the rest of the world? I mean we all have that uncle sam that sits around all day watching T.V. drinking beer. Not being able to hold a steady job or girl friend… "I'm not as THINK as you DRUNK I AM! Officer!" Is that the image we're trying to give to our children? Always borrowing money from other people. And you just give it to him because you know you'll never see it again.

"Man Uncle Sam keeps trying to hit me up for this social security thing he keeps talking about. I know he's just going to use it to buy drugs! … or medicare…"


And another thing. When was the last time Uncle Sam… LOOKED AROUND? Does he see what OTHER people are wearing? NOPE. He's set on his style of cloths. "I'll take a pair long striped red, white, and blue pants…. What the heck! Throw in a tall top hat and jacket to match!" I think he must have gotten a funny look from the retailer, "I'm going to have to see my manager about this one." then he decided to wear this SAME EXACT THING for the next 200 years. TAKE A SHOWER ALREADY!!!


You've got to give him a break though… He IS an old guy… and we all know that once you hit a certain age… someTHING start to change… and you wear the same thing for the rest of your life…

We all know what I'm talking about! Anyone take a look at your dad. Same cloths every day. I actually convinced it's mandatory. I think once they hit a certain age, the FBI pulls them in to there office, tosses them a pair of lee's, with a worn in wallet and key mark, and the saggy butt accompanied by the tight ankles. Tosses him the conservative button up shirt and sais, "it's time…" He puts his head down and walks out the door…

But seriously! When do you reach that point when you wake up and you say, "This is it! This is what I'm wearing the REST of my life!"


Anyway…


Ultimately why I hate uncle sam is for THIS reason…


"I want YOU to yada yada yada!" OOOOH what a bunch of garbage! What a week sell out to the whole world! The original, "I want YOU to join the Union army!" …cool, that's cool Uncy Sammy its cool AND cute really... It's when he went CRAZY with this. "I want YOU to apply for a home equity loan…" "I want YOU to buy this night stand." "I want YOU to get a membership at gold's gym!" and I'm sitting back thinking to myself, "common, uncle!" I'm saying this as I'm thumbing thru the one's in my wallet… well I want YOU to lower taxes, I want YOU to ban abortion… I want YOU to ban gay marriages…. I want YOU to beet the south and ban slavery! GO UNION!!! And I want YOU to get a new job, and let the new young hip polar bear to replace you… YOU my friend… are FIRED!