Before we begin… let’s start with a prayer…
Dear algorithm that art everywhere and nowhere at once. Thank you for correcting our Strongbadian grammar with the “g2g”s and the whatnot, and helping us spell every word with perfection and grammar police. Because we didn’t realize it then, but our speech was like totally grammatically incorrect like almost like 100% of the time back then, and we would like talk in like run on sentences (how embarrassing, I know… 🙈) and like sentence fragments, and didn’t totally know how to punctuate! Quite right back then, ya know? Cuz like when we spoke out loud… like… there wasn’t like any punctuation I would do back then ya know?
So we had to figure out how to write like we TALKED on like chat, so… we like just kinda would do… WHAT, ever… sounded right to what we wanted it to SOUND like… when they read it…
But now days… we all sound like professors. (It’s technically nowadays… but we all know that now days…) Talking in complete sentences and shit. If I were to guess… it started with the ol social media grammar nazi phase that hit like maybe back in like 2011 or so… but I mean… now days… it’s like not even… like… typing like you writin essays or some shit… it’s like… you’re supposed to talk like a scientist, or pundit, or research paper writer… talking bout like all the studies of Covid, and how jet fuel don’t melt no steal beams and shit, ya know? Ya… ya know, Ya know???
Anyway, thanks the algorithms for that… and for helping me choose what I watch on YouTube and Netflix and Hulu… Thanks for crowd sourcing my culture. Because every tongue shall “bend the knee” if we all watch the same thing…
But if we don’t… then how the HELL are we gonna know how to TALK to each other???
Could it BEeee any. more. weird???
Basically I’m calling to say sorry I didn’t know 18 year old me didn’t know he was super wicked in the 20’s… ya know? (2020’s)
Like I wrote a shiz ton of newsletters back in like 2007… and like… the Internet don’t show you anything from longer than a year ago… ya know?
So I have forgotten how the culture used to BE! Ya know? 😬
But now people are more stream lined… and that’s probably a good thing… ya know?.? Like… now everything reads like an essay… which is like what our English teachers kept trying to get us to sound like, ya know??!! So like!… maybe FINALLY those UBSCT 5 paragraph essays will finally sound like how we actually talk! Ya know!!!!!!?
So ya… basically the thesis to my prayer is: everything always gets BETTER in the future. Nothing gets worse.
So Here’s to the 20 year anniversary of “Rush of Blood to the head.” May all the douche-bags in the future have no I-freakin-dea why we even liked it… like what the eff is Clocks even talking about? Like “is this some liberal undertoned agenda?” Like I don’t know… I just liked how it sounded… like lay off, poetry police!
Amen, and amen. So forth and so such. Such as, and the like… forever and ever… til the stars fall from the sky… alleluia, and
(Hallelujah chorus starts playing)
Okay… cut! Like… this is getting to ridiculous… just freakin end the dang thing already…
So basically I think JBUDD NEWS is like super like trendy and stuff… like… if I didn’t go on a mission…
hear me out…
Like if I didn’t go on a mission… I would’ve been like Bo Burnham type viral… or even bigger cuz… pretty sure I was funnier than THAT guy was in 2007…
Cuz JBUDD NEWS was always considered like unto a boulder cut out of the mountains without hands! Ya know!!!?
And we didn’t find it offensive when I wrote that… back THEN! Ya know???
So ya… who wore the 20’s better? Which 20’s won? The ROARING twenties? Or the post apocalyptic 20’s? (That was a joke I was workshopping like 5 years ago… before literal shiz… hit my literal fan… (and I actually DO mean LITERAL… Ted Mosby… (hypothetical bird…)))
What I’m TRYING to say is… JBUDD NEWS is like getting bigger and brighter… like if it were a star IN, OUR, SOLAR SYstem… it’d be the sun…
That’s Alllll I’m trying to say! Okay?!! Like BACK! OFF! Haters!… amirite? …High five!
Lol. Uhhhhhh….. anyways…
In the name of Mark Zuckercorn. Uh… see ya…
Fablast! I tried to copy and paste it, and I missed, ya know? Like this note I’m typing in… is probably uh like 30,000 words long, lol… and I’m trying to get the “JBUDD NEWS” portion…
Okay… here we go… let’s try again…
Got it!
Maybe a “welcome to the internet” by Bo Burnham
2014 just called! It says “2022 sucks balls…”
“Why men and women can’t be friends” (youtube vid) lands a little weird when you realize most the world thought we were talking about SEX… that’s a fairly pessimistic view… we can’t be friends cuz of sex? (Hookup meant something different in Utah) Nah man! We were talking jus like ONE of the persons probably likes the other in a “I have a crush on you” sort of way… and they get friend zoned and it drives the friend zoned one NUTS…
And is there a way around that at all… or does being friend zoned just have to feel miserable?
Hear me out… like what if that was just acknowledged… like…
“I wanna be more!”
“Oh… well… I don’t… not that I don’t like… LIKE you… it’s jus that I don’t wanna like commit the rest of my LIFE to you… ya know? Cuz we only got one shot at this! Ya know!??? Cuz getting divorced is like a ticket to HELL… so… I gotta make sure like the one person I choose for eternity has like loaded stats and shit, ya know? And like, I’m pretty disorganized, andso I need someone more organized than MEeee otherwise we’re eternally screwed… even tho ultra organized people kinda suck to be around sometimes… have a proclivity to stick-up-the-butt-itis. Like I need someone who completes me in every conceivable way! Like… no offense… it’s jus… eternity??? Like… I’d rather keep you as a friend than lose you forever in some like inevitable break up, ya know? Cuz I low key need to figure that out like before we even date for like 95% of the people I meet. Like “I should probably keep them at arms distance then… they can be friends…”
Cuz I love a lot of friends I wouldn’t wanna quarantine forever with, ya know? But still think they’re freakin awesome. Like if I got this like one shot to choose someone for eternity… then imma gonna go BIG, ya know? Like the stats are gonna be like as maxed out and like over powered and shit… cuz I mean… that’s what I was taught like this life was for, is like finding your co-God that you’re like gonna quarantine forever with. So that ain’t no test ya wanna flunk. Ya know??? Like maybe there’s someone… like… if we gonna be like isolated together forever on a glass ball, then… this person better like complete me in every way shape and form! Ya here? Cuz like… in heaven man… this whole like “FRIENDS” thing… like… dog… that ain’t even a THING! Like all these friends gon be like too busy making planets and babies and shit! Like… they definitely won’t have time for YOU! I PROMISE you… friends are jus like… a… TEMPORARY thing… ya know? So don’t put too much stock into anyone else but like this like one person. Like… low key… fuck everyone else… cuz like… they technically literally figuritively don’t matta. Ya hear?
So ya… that’s what… “can men and women be just friends” meant to OUuuurrr culture…
So maybe like our culture surrounding like marriage… and divorce… and dating… and break ups… and friend zoned… and NCMO… might be built on the back of like… a shiz ton of culture… that would have NEVER… watched Game of Thrones…
Point being… do you even remember your old self, dear reader… or does a constantly rapid shift in culture jus kinda do something weird to our memories… cuz like… which rule book we following NOW days… ya know?
But that’s fine, we can adapt a few words here and there… until now… you B talkin like you some teleprompted political speech. Every sentence perfectly formed… as if they took a shit load of time to craft it to say it jus perfect with all dat correctness… a sentence that can offend no one… Congrats… you pulled it off… but even THAT sounds like masterbation…
Cuz now days… everyone be offended at every thang. Capishe?
In conclusion to my prayer to the internets… I got 99 problems… but a bitch ain’t one… 🎤
So I just went through the McDrive-thru, and… it’s like…
There was a phase we went through on social media where we just kinda started posting about all those “awkward moments” when… (someone does like effing nothing of consequence that needed to be criticized…) and basically I high key think shit like that made us just self conscious being around like ANY stranger… cuz you might do something… AWKWARD!!! (And someone might film it, and you might become a meme for like just kinda like… blinking… in like a… “oh… okay!” Sort of way… then people take THAT… and will say some like “when I see a democrat vote…” then another person will come up with “when I see a republican vote…”
Awkward! 😬 right??? Like if you VOTE… people might be blinking at you like that guy! 😬
So what do you do? You just start treating like random drive up window people like… they’re like… a self check out machine… just to keep it easy, ya know? And just try to avoid eye contact with strangers in GENERAL… and just act like they’re not really there… like that guy in the elevator with you… “that awkward moment… when somebody existed next to you…”
Back in the day you didn’t like talk PER SAyyyy, to the person in the elevator… but maybe like… just act like how a human (as opposed to a robot) would act if there was someone in the room with them, instead of like a ghost or something…
And ya. Now we call people “humans”, so it effs up my joke, because back THEN… people would have read that in a flight of he concords “the humans are dead” sort of way… cuz who’s talking about people like they’re like… not one of them or something… ya know?
I got one. Probably Mark Zuckercorn… cuz that dude’s like a robot or something… like maybe he Spider-Man villained himself and accidentally tested his “algorithm to brain” intersect machine on himself, ya know?
Probably not… but… a boy can dream right? “When I grow up I wanna be like Mac Zuckeflavin!” - said no one ever…
To quote Hamlet: “words words words…”
If you adopt an orphan, and then abandon them in the woods…
ANYWAY… let’s get to the story of the week.
2007 didn’t have trigger warnings, so neither does this.
STORY #1>>>
So I was of sound mind, and decided I wanted to die…(pause for laughter) And so I went off trying to figure out if there’s like an afterlife or WHAT, cuz that just might influence my decision…
Then I did some soul searching, and was wandering around in a forest when I came across a clearing. (Allegory)
That had a streak of sunlight… that shined down upon what appeared to be a sword stuck in a stone. I walked up to the sword, and there read a plaque that said, “only he who is worthy can pull the sword from the stone… anyone unworthy, will meet instant death upon touching.” Then I noticed that there did appear to be a mound of skeletons next to the sword. So I said, “eh, fuck it” pulled a skeletons hand off of the hilt, then grabbed the swords handle. To my apathy, I was still alive. Then I yanked the sword free to the sound of an ocarina’s staff roll’s ending. Then a voice starteled me, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen!
What you hold is the master sword.
It comes with a “dowsing” ability…
Anything getting in the way of true love… Fucking burn it to the ground…”
“Wow Navi, you sound kinda angry!”
“That’s just how people talk on the internet nowadays”
Then I noticed that indeed I had aged 15 years…
End scene…
For example… locking someone up in a hospital for being suicidal. How bout instead, we help them plan their funeral, and help them get the visa and earn the money, to get to Switzerland, where it’s legal, so they can blast off to the other side, surrounded with love and friends and family… instead of alone on the floor of their messy room… feeling… guilty… for… inconveniencing the mofos who are irritated that you made them clean up your body and room and… ruined their Saturday… “thanks for making me feel GUILTY about your death…”(annoyed) and how are my roommates gonna like get ahold of my family? Are they just gonna throw my most prized possessions away? Does any of this stuff even matter if it’s gonna be thrown away when I die??? Why do I even keep this stuff? Would THEY care to read my journals? Or would they be more of like a… “just move on” sort of vibe… why do I write in here?
Just moving on…
So open invite. If anyone wants to go to the pods of Switzerland… I’d accompany you… cuz dying shamefully alone… and there are so many horrible ways to do it... Like let’s just do it in a nice comfortable way if nothing else… I (aaayee) won’t judge you if nothing else…
I get why you’d nope out… it’s possible that no one ACTUALLY knows you… like… the REAL you… and you can tell… that their accepting of you… really ISsss conditional… of you fitting into their box… and… you might not know a damn soul, who’s “box of acceptable-ness” you now fit into…
So ya… you might actually be not truely known by a damn soul on the planet…
The worst part for me was how I couldn’t even kill myself without feeling guilty for dying… like my death was somehow even STILL about THEM… and how everyone would probably mostly talk about how “selfish” I was, instead of applauding me for practicing “self care” and “being brave”. had I died of cancer, people would still like me… but by “depression…” then any mention of me would be in hushed tones… like robin williams.
Like we can’t talk about Mrs Doubtfire without being like, “ya… that’s too bad about his death…”
Aladdin… “but he seemed so happy!”
To quote a journal entry from yesterday year. July 2021. quote:
I shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to die inside. … That moment was just something that none of you understand and I’m pissed about it.
I’ll live dam it, but I’m not okay with what’s going on around me god dam it!
…
Me believing what “H” did was justified, kills me. I will be forever broken if I believe that.
Close quote…
Cuz me believing that I DESERVE to be shunned for eternity… (her credibility was really high to me) the ONLY, WAY for me to believe I deserve to be shunned for eternity, is to believe I deserve to be shunned for eternity… because? What ELSE must you believe about yourself to believe you actually SHOULD be eternally avoided… I am________ (bad)
You can not believe you deserve to be eternally shunned and have self esteem. You must believe you are “that” bad. Like you must be like a toxic person, not like you did a toxic action, or a person that makes mistakes. You must believe that YOU are the mistake… to believe you are worthy of eternal shunning… that you are actually unforgivable…
So… am I worthy of eternal shunning? If you answered “yes” then…
Go to hell…
You’ll love it, because the God you “worship” will be there too. (And he might have a pitch fork)
So in closing… thanks algorithm for getting us all to stop reading blogs and articles because they make us stop scrolling your infinite feed, and only showing us stuff that we won’t actually click on and exit your eternal scroll of doom. So forth and for ever, in the name of Milk Zackershlube, Amen.
