Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ode to Car - The 1993 Mercury Cougar Edition

If JBUDD NEWS was my child, and I was it’s parent, social workers would be on my case about neglect by now. I would then start to wonder, “how did THEY know I was neglecting my child?” Then I’d be suspicious of my neighbors and friends whom I confided my secret. That would probably ruin our relationships, and make me not trust anyone. I’d probably hide in my house, holding a shotgun, peaking thru the blinds at passing neighbor kids while little JBUDD NEWS was crying in the crib.

That sounds like WAY too much drama for me. So instead, I’m just going to write today:

I just got done with fall break today, and I must say, this weekend was DEFINITELY one the top 500 weekends of my LIFE, putting another 350 miles on my car.

I don’t think my car has ever had a formal introduction. I call her, “the USS Budd.” This to-scale picture should give you a good idea as to why.

The story goes like this:

I was walking by the classified listings in the student center, and there she was, in all her baby blue grampa glory…

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t fall INSTANTLY in love. It was when I took a look at the PRICE! “$800?” I said to myself, “I think I got that.” I called hobo man up, and we set an appointment in two hours to test it out.

As I approached the corner of 7th and 8th I saw a big hobo looking man on the corner, and judging by the description given me, I stereotypically reasoned it must be him.

Looking back, I don’t know WHY I actually bought it. The whole thing was super shady. The guy was trying WAY too hard to convince me how cool it was. He was selling me on all the repairs he had ALREADY done on it! “I put like $1,600 into repairing this thing. I had to replace the tail lights, the hoses, the power steering pump, etc. ...That window's SUPPOSED to make those noises when it goes down like that...”

Well is it working NOW? Can I DRIVE it? Is it going to spontaniously explode on me?

So I bought it.

I decided if I’m gonna own a grandpa car that I got from some shady hobo, I should learn a little something about auto mechanics.

I went to the local library to try and find some material on the thing, and found a common theme among the “do-it-yourself” books. They are depressing. The most POPULAR in this genre is the, “For Dummies” series. If you took every dummies book and stacked them, it would be higher than the twin towers... PUT TOGETHER.

They’ve got "Automotives for Dummies," "How to Spank Your Children for Dummies." When you pick up the book, you are blatantly telling yourself. I AM A DUMMY! That’s gotta do a number your self esteem after a few years. "I was going to mow the lawn today, but then I realized I'm just a big fat ugly DUMMY! I don't even know how to mow my own lawn! I'm reading this BOOK to try and help me, and it's just MAKING FUN OF ME!!!"

So I decided that I want to come up with a whole new line of books and just call them, “YOU SUCK!” No more beating around the bush.

“YOU SUCK, at life!" "YOU SUCK, at automotives!" "YOU SUCK, at brushing your teeth!” after I drive people to depression, I’ll make another line of self help books, “YOU SUCK, at killing yourself. Don’t even try…” First drive them to depression, and then make millions trying to fix them.

To be continued...

New vid:

THREE doors: The one on the left is blank, the one in the middle has a male bathroom sign hanging on it, and the one on the right has a female bathroom sign.

The experiment was to see if people would go through their own specified gender-ed door out of sheer Social conformity. (Hey, you don't want people to think you're a girl if you're NOT!)

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