Saturday, January 16, 2010

McDonalds - The secrets behind the golden arches

I was thinking about a joke my friend made about McDonald's slogan, “It’s what I eat and what I do” Seriously, I don’t get what they’re trying to say with this!

It sounds like a mom trying to get her 400 pound five-year-old outside to get some exercise, and the kid responds with, “THIS IS WHAT I EAT!!! THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! OK?!!” “DON’T MESS WITH ME! THIS is what I’m doing… THIS is what I eat! NOTHING ELSE!!!” the mom asks, “do you want pizza? Do you want to watch a movie?” he responds with, “NO. only THIS. ONLY MCDONALDS is what I DO!” Soon after these kids grow up on this slogan, they’re gonna reach the ripe old age of 80, and realize they haven’t accomplished anything…

“ALL I’ve done is McDonalds my whole life! …” 

THAT’S when the law suits come in… BAD business move in my book. How do you DO McDonalds anyway? I don’t think anyone wants to admit to that slogan. “this is all I eat, and do.” So why do they do it?

Lets look at some slogans from McDonalds past:

     Enjoy the best food at McDonald's (1973) - I recommend you get the BEST food here, in retrospect to all our BAD food…

     We do it all for you (1975) - We love you SOOO much that we serve you transfatty sandwiches to increase your likelihood of death! :)

     Nobody makes your day like McDonald's can (1980-1983) – “I’ll have a big mac… and what they heck, throw in a good day too!”

     That's My McDonald's (1981) – HEY! That’s MY McDONALDS!!! POLICE!

     McDonald's and you (1983) – Their sad attempt to start a speed dating organization

     McDonald's is your place to be (1986) – Do you enjoy sports? Or maybe the great outdoors? Well stop wasting your time, and get down to McDONALDS! Cuz it’s your place to be… We even put in a new BALL pit so you NEVER have to leave… nothing like sleeping on a bunch of hard plastic balls!

     Food, folks and fun (1990) – That’s the three things we got. We got FOOD, Parents, and a BALL pit! (mcdonalds is not responsible for any suffocation/trampling of your child in his feeble attempt to escape.)

     McDonald's Today (1991-1992) – Tired of other BORING newspapers like “New York Times” or “USA Today?” Well subscribe to the new McDonalds’s Today! Where you get DAILY updates on Ronald McDonalds fashion statements, and updates on the polices recent findings of the escaped, “hamburgler.” Also find tips on how to hamburgler proof your house with 25 simple tips by John Walsh! But you ask, “What if I’m a tree hugger and STILL want reliable news?” NO PROBLEM… OUR paper is made entirely out of excess potato skins, ensuring all you hippies all the trees and more to hug. So subscribe and save the planet, one newspaper at a time!

     What you want is what you get (1992) – ever wondered about what you’re going to get? SIMPLE… it’s what you ordered stupid!

     Do you believe in magic? (1993) – They were debating between this one and, “What’s your favorite color?”

     Have you had your break today? (1995-1997) – They were debating between this one and, “How’s it goin?”

     My McDonald's (1997) - My own… my PRECIOUS!!!

     Did somebody say McDonald's? (1997) – am I hearing voices?

     We love to see you smile (2000-2003) – After working long grueling shifts without sunlight or joy… we LOVE to see the rare occasion when someone actually smiles.

     There's a little McDonald's in everyone (2002) – I think I remember on the commercial it had a bunch of people dressed up in lab coats with a voice over that said, “Statistics show, that 10 percent of our body weight is attributed to the transfat from McDonalds…” then a metallic McDonalds crushed the screen, and said, “There’s a little McDonald’s in everyone…”

     I'm lovin' it (2003) – I actually liked this one. Why did they get rid of it?

     It's what I eat and what I do (2005) - yep

     What we're made of (2008-present) – This proves that evolution is false. Naturally you’d think that throughout the life of one of the largest corporations in the world, that the slogans would adapt, and get better and better. Survival of the fittest. But seriously, what are they trying to say? WHAT are you made of?  Is that even grammatically correct?

In other news.  It looks like Jaymin Vickers is the winner of this years Winter Solstice Stache.  He will be recieving one CD of the sweater sweeties christmas album. thank you.


Monday, January 4, 2010

A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.
2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 
3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 
4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 
5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…
One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...
9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.


The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)

#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)

#5 Lance Hancock

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