Thursday, January 10, 2013

How to Fly for Free: Philadelphia edition

Since I missed the opportunity to share my travel log in testimony meeting the past 4 months, I'll share it here instead:

Last September I got a text from my sister saying that my free flying pass was activated.  This means that I can fly standby on United Airlines for free.  So I immediately planned a trip to Philadelphia, home of the philly.

That's Philadelphia's one claim to fame, the Philly Cheese steak...  They're so proud of it, they even named their baseball team after the sandwich.  The Philadelphia Phillies.  The one thing I learned while there is: in Philadelphia  you don't call it a philly cheesesteak, because it turns out that philly is short for philadelphia.  So the fact that you're in philly, implies that it is a philly, so it's just a cheesesteak.

I know what you're thinking, "Wait, if philly is short for Philadelphia, then wouldn't the baseball team phillies mean..."  WOAH WOAH WOAH I got to cut your train of thought off there.   Are you suggesting, dear reader, that the name means the Philadelphia Philadelphians? That's like naming the Jazz, the Utah Utahns!  GO UTAHNS GO!  OWWWW!  (that's the Utahns new cheer.)

Nope, no one's that thick.  The Phillies is referring to the sandwich.  That's why their mascot is a giant sandwich, and every time they score a run, tradition has it that a big fat guy chases the philly (the sandwich) around the field.  It's also philly tradition that every time Joe (the fat guy) catches the sandwich, everyone in the stands take a bite out of their phillies... The sandwich.  Not themselves...

Ok what am I talking about?

Travel log.  So I planed my trip and jumped on my motorcycle to head towards salt lake.  I knew fate was calling my name because the rain storms were all around me, yet I remained bone dry.  It was like there was some bigger purpose for me to go, like licking the liberty bell.  With all these thoughts swirrling thru my head like goldfish down a toilet, I finally arrived at the airport, grabbed my bag full of things, and leisurely made my way to check in.

While waiting in line to be body scanned, an airport security lady started making her way up and down the line yelling at everyone like a drill sergeant.


First of all... who still uses handkerchiefs? and secondly, aren't our cloths, and pockets made of that same material?  If that scanner can't see thru my handkerchief, then there's no way it's not getting thru these jeans.

I like the new body scanners tho;  They have a little stick figure guy in there holding his hands up looking super stoked about life.

"Walk in the tube and high five the little guy in there." I was pretty excited about that new addition.  Really raises the morale.

I got thru security and headed over to my gate, B8 and noticed my name's on the t.v.  Thought that was nice of them to do.  I was a little confused about what to do.  I felt like at any moment security would figure out that I wasn't supposed to be there, and carry me away.

I approached the lady with the almighty microphone, and asked if the stand-by's were going to get on, and I watched as her happy countenance changed to the deepest hatred.

"standby huh?  How do you live with yourself... FLYING all over for free while I'm stuck here working for nickles and dimes so that one day... I can experience this thing you call flying..."

She printed off my ticket and I was on the plane...  I buckled up and the plane almost immediately took off.  It's was like they were WAITING for me to get there... I had done it...
I had accomplished what few before me have done.  The dream.  The perfect arrival.  No waiting.

On top of that, I had just snuck onto a plane...  I didn't belong there!  I didn't pay! ... but that my friends... did not matter to those non-judgmental flight attendants. NAY!  They treated me like a king.  They even performed a little skit involving a cut off seat belt.

I bet if the plane ACTUALLY crashed, the attendants would be out of their minds excited, "I KNOW WHAT TO DO!  I've been doing this show for 10 years!  FINALLY, I get to USE this hidden talent of mine!  People will finally appreciate me!  I will have friends!"

We do appreciate our flight attendants don't we?  Not so much for the skit, but for the snack attack.

Nobody wants to miss the snack, people in the darkest deepest sleep WILL wake up for this monumental event. That's the one thing to look forward to during the flight, a shot of apple juice and 2 crackers.

     "no.... leave the can here... ;)"

I'm thinkin, "ok, i got a flight to Chicago and then another one to philly, that means between the two flights I get... a WHOLE can of coke! ...but when you add in all that ice it's more like a can and a half!"
The things that get you excited on a plane.... 

My favorite part is the turbulence...  "WEEEEEEE!"

Of course It's not all fun and games... There's always a bit of down time while flying.  During those times I usually have some deep thoughts about humanity and life...
     "I was just in a cloud..."
     "Where do you think that car's going?"
     "When's the juice lady coming back?"

Around this time the captain got on the speaker, told us we were landing in Chicago, and gave us the weather update.

I'm surprised that in the weather there still exists high and low pressure.  You'd think it'd just equalize itself out and there would just be MEDIUM pressure.

The plane landed, I walked down a tunnel into a big waiting room called an airport.  After waiting there, I walked down another tunnel into a smaller waiting room with wings on it.  After waiting in there and drinking half a can of coke, I walked out of a tunnel into a bigger waiting room, where I boarded a waiting room that was on train tracks.  After waiting there for a couple of minutes, I was in Philadelphia.

There was a two hour time difference, everyone always complains about jet lag.  What about the flight attendants? Their whole LIVES are jet lag!

I was a stow away, and made it. I kinda felt like Frank Abagnale. 

I hung out in Philadelphia.  Turns out the line for licking the liberty bell was too full.  I did eat a real philly cheese steak.  That was the big accomplishment.  Then I went home.

On my flight home from Houston  two guys sat two seats in front of me, and THIS guy (me) cracked a joke that made them laugh.  BOO YA

Here's my stalker shots of them:

Well... that's all for my testimony this month.  The church is true.  Amen.

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