Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Well chums. It's a great day to be alive. Technology has been advancing far beyond what anyone could ever have imagined. With the study of quantum physics, it is now conceivable that one day we may be able to invent teleportation. We may be able to live on the moon. Gmail, will eventually reach it's 3 gig mark, to the delight of the entire World as we watch it on tv's across our apparent universe. Like the Apollo 12 of old, landing on the moon for the first time, to the astonishment to the whole world. But what's even more anticipated is the ever awaited, the ever longed for JBUDD NEWS.... 9TH EDITION!!! (Cue the 80's Butt rock music)

As most of you know, a large chunk of my life I grew up as being Amish. Technology wasn't apart of my life. Heck, my family never OWNED a VCR until I was in the 6th grade! 6th GRADE!!! I remember that day we bought it. It was family night... It was the night, that my childhood fantasies would be fulfilled. I was filled with HOPE, VISION, Eccentricity! Wait till I tell all my friends at school!
Turned out that everyone else already had one... they threw rocks at me... I retaliated... I got sent to the principles office... 10 recesses of detention... I cried.
That's one thing that STILL bothers me to this day. I can't count how many times I would get in trouble for RETALIATING. What's the big deal? Am I supposed to just sit there and let these guys beat me up and then say, “oh what a golly round! How bout' you come over for some tea later on at my house, yes?” well I tried it... They threw rocks at me... I retaliated... 20 recesses detention.
You may laugh at how big of a deal we made out of buying this VCR. But you have to realize, my WHOLE life, I've grown up without it.
Which confused the H out of me when got a VHS tape for Christmas entitled, “Counting Numbers!” when I was five. ... EVERY Child's dream movie. Who needs Disney? “Who needs the brave little toaster! I've got COUNTING NUMBERS! I don't need to see those movies to fit in at school! I'll just COUNT to all my friends and they'll be KNEELING down at my Counting numbers tape... and my light up 'Lighting shoes...'” Remember those shoes? Ya you know which ones... I used to call them SESURE SHOES... because one day my mom finally gave in, and let me have some so I can be cool at school (apparently my friends weren't too fond of my counting numbers.) long story short, my grandma is in a coma now. God bless her.

>>>>>ANYWAY #1

I'm glad you could all make it out to this weeks JBUDD NEWS. This week I'm going to talk about the RECENT technologies that I have discovered throughout this week. We'll see if I get to any stories. This week I've got one of this BEST stories as of yet. But I CAN'T TELL YOU GUYS... It's NO NO FAIR. Most of you know anyway... and it's funny.

**Discovery #1:**
The quickest and best way to end ANY texting conversation. I've found this to be useful this past week. My roommate and I (who shan't be named) were talking about how to respond to a text. “I'm so glad, that you're friends with him (me) now, because if you weren't, I would have never met you...” So we were thinking... “uh... alright” what do you say to that! “ok” “...sure” and that's when it hit us... SURE! So my roommate sent the “sure” text. In the comic relief to everyone in the room. (me and him. Or rather him and me. For you English nerds.)

Side note:
ok, I just asked Ben, “how do you spell relief” because I was trying to spell it, “releaf” and he said, “Advil.” funny.

So in conclusion. I've been using “sure” religiously now. I mostly try to use it in ways that it doesn't even make any grammatic sense. “so what are you doing later tonight!” uh... “SURE!” So I challenge all of you to use “SHURE” at least TWICE in this next work week. Sound good?

when signing up for a class entitled, “Human development” Expect this class to be rated X! For scar-ing me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure WHY I signed up for it. Apparently you're only supposed to take it if you're going to be a doctor or a nurse. I don't PLAN on being a doctor, and I'm a man. So that eliminates both of those. So Basically I signed up for a sex ed class for no reason. Let me paint the picture...

There Is exactly 5 males to every 35 Females in this class of mine. I always thought this to be a curious thing until one day. This day I happened to try a new route to class. A “shortcut” and to my surprise, it ended up making me 10 minutes late. Hmm... So as I walk into the room, I am shocked and horrified . On the projector screen is a video about live child birth happening. Being utterly (ha) disgusted. I sat down. With my hand trembling, I pulled out my note pad and pencil. And I attached a picture of the notes I took. All I wrote down was three words, “child birth anyone?” and drew two guys throwing up on each side of it.

When riding on the bus 830. Try to find a seat next to two Chinese people conversing. And two Spanish people conversing, and just listen for best comedic results.

When calling someone with an almost dead battery, don't try to attempt to say the sentence, “I was just calling to see if you're still keeping the law of chastity” because fate will REQUIRE your battery to die right after you say that. To the comedic result to the 40 year old man sitting next to you. I was bitter towards that man... he threw rocks at me... 30 recesses of detention.

When mopping the floor at your work. Try to refrain from having sliding contests. This will most likely result with a man going thru a wall. (forgot to take a picture.)

Quin and Kip are leaving on their missions Wednesday. Quin and Phil have requested for me to send them JBUDD NEWS through the mail. But I'm not sure if I can translate it into Spanish, and Virginian. But I'll try. ;)

Octopus doesn't taste too good.


A set of scriptures CAN weigh more then an average new born.
To explain a little more. I went to Kips ward after his farewell. And I went to this class and this lady had the biggest, most USED scriptures I have ever seen. These things can be seen from space. In every page is stuffed clippings, articles, and pamphlets that have to do with the scriptures on the page. They are 7 years old.

a bottle of Crystal water CANNOT be opened by Dallas Osbourne's butt cheeks.

Me and RYAN SHUPE would make a good couple ;)

>>>>ANYWAY #2
Well that concludes my discoveries. My inventions for this week. I hope you enjoyed. Now I'm here to conclude a story from last newsletter. I'm sure most of you are still calling me 'Ambassador JBUDD' and I'll give you the verdict on this.

So I turned in my big packet. My Resume of mystery and wonders to the Student Government officials at UVSC. A few minutes later I receive a phone call, telling me I have an interview with The Vice President of Clubs, to see if I could be the one. The CHOSEN CHILD that could lead UVSC to greater new heights. So the day came (last Tuesday) I'm as calm as an ox. I'm waiting in the waiting room. One by one, my fellow attempters are being picked off. Walking out of the conference room trembling. A moment of time passes me. “JESSE BUDD!” I hear my name off afar. IT is my turn. My pivotal point of my life lies in this interview. I walk into a room that resembled the flight deck on Star Treck. With a conference table the size of my first VCR. Which WHO KNOWS how many people there. I would guess 8 but I don't remember too much about it.
The interviewing commences. Questions are flying, tears are being shed. And I'm as calm as a dandelion in a patch of grass. My main goal was to make them laugh, and cry. And I did both. When asked, “what fruit would you be and why?” I responded without missing a beat. “that's easy. I would be a banana. Because they are tall, like I am. And they are curved, which represents that they don't think like the rest of the world. They are DIFFERENT. They don't just go straight. And also they are YELLOW. Which yellow is the first color you see, which means that I would stand out.”
Long story short. I didn't get the position. And you know what I thought? MEH!

I didn't try out to get the position. I tried out to TRY. Abraham Lincoln failed at being a businessman, a politician and Thirteen attempts at being elected to political office before finally becoming the president of the united states. And most scholars today call him the best president ever. Mucho numero uno! By trying, I upheld a promise I kept to myself. “I will NOT let ANY opportunities pass me by.” I actually carry a paper in my pocket. And every time I pass an opportunity by I have to leave a mark on the paper. Even though I didn't get ambassador JBUDD. I'm even gladder that I didn't have to leave a mark on that paper.

But if you want to continue calling me AMBASSADOR! Your are more then welcome!

Well folks. JBUDD NEWS has almost trippled in its production from the first little newsletters to now. So that means to all you stock holders out there, you will be getting a 10% raise!!! (makes sense) It's a good day to be alive. I just added our 140th member yesterday. so to celebrate I made the whole thing in a .pdf format attached to the email. so enjoy that. I'm also attaching a picture of our freinds to the north, USU, making a swiming pool full of spaghetti! Because I think that's rad. And it follows many of the principles that JBUDD NEWS likes to teach. GO COWS!!! and I'm going to re-attach my desktop picture. For some reason it doesn't want to appear. so right click of the file thethreecs.jpg and save as. and download it. Jorien made it, and it's hot.

ALSO for the 10th edition I want to do something special. SO email me your favorite JBUDD Moment. thanks. JBUDD OUT!!

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


Sunday, January 14, 2007

The 8 cow wife. Steve Young's jersey number.

Well we’re all starting to get back to the swing of life… During Christmas break we had the opportunity to “jump out” of our swings. With a nice temporary rush of flying to the air, coming to a climatic crash with the ground. But now it’s time to jump back on. Start pumping again and work our way back up to our repetitive lives. Some of you might not be quite there. Some of you might still be immature and are swinging on your stomachs. Which seemed like a good idea at first, but you soon realize that all your blood has rushed to your head, and you’re starting to feel sick.

Remember those good ol’ elementary recess days? Swings… monkey bars… SLIDES!
You know I think that these were all failed attempts at our parents trying to kill their kids. “why don’t you climb up that really tall ladder up there, and go down that metal surface with temperatures near liquid magma, and lets see if you can break the land speed record.” Because that’s what we were all trying to do in our childish minds. We weren’t there to ‘have fun’ we were there to break some world records. Remember that first time down the slide? “you want me to do what!.... WHY!!!.... yeah you’ll catch me…right! Why should I trust you! Oh you got candy? Ok!” kids live on candy. When you’re a kid nutrition is buskins. All that other food was grown up food. But KIDS… THEY ATE CANDY. Candy was OUR food. It was our medicine. “I’m feeling a tummy ach coming on.” “I recommend 1 pack of smarties!” Smarties I’m pretty sure in every kids life was one point used as medicine.
As a kid your status in the classroom all depended on how you performed out on the field. Remember that kid that could do the back flip out of that swing? Yeah, he was cool. He could be the dorkiest kid in class. But if he pulled off that back flip. He became the new idol. He was like Anubis mated with Venus, and that’s the god that came out. The back flip god. We actually built alters to that god. Out of our soft padded gravel ground.

I want to meet the guy who invented the idea of gravel. I want to have him take a look at all the scars in my hands and knees and make him pay for all my lost childhood. Since when was using rocks to break your fall the best solution. And who decided to give us authority to have USE of these rocks. These weapons of mass destruction. I think there has been more scrapes and injuries caused by gravel then any other medium on the planet. Kids throwing it at eachother. Little Timmy is eating it in the corner. The new challenger to the land speed record on the slide makes one wrong calculation and goes flying into this buckshot called gravel….
Remember having to pick the rocks out from beneath your skin? Remember that kid who DIDN’T cry when he got hurt? Yeah he was like Ra and Aphrodite mated. A bird woman. The goddess bird of… not crying. Yeah that kid was cool. But not as cool as back flip kid. I never became backflip kid. I still envy backflip kid. Backflip kid is STILL one step higher then me.

>>>>ANYWAY #1

I’m glad you could all make it out to JBUDD news today. I think Today I’m going to share with you a bunch of ‘mini-stories.’ And their SHOULD be a bunch of pictures attached to this one. So make sure you give them a look see.


So as most of you DON’T know. I was sitting at my apartment minding my own business and some girl came in and was trying to hold my hand and stuff. So Ben tells Quin about this weird escapade. Quin Just HAPPENED to get a new phone that very day… Hmm… So what does Quin’s small little mind formulate? Well of course. He’s going to pretend that He’s stalker girl.
So he texts me, “hey buddy how’s it going?” “who is this?” “we shared a special night last night, I can’t believe you don’t remember me” yada “this is GirlX” yada “I’m in Riverton” “Oh good, that means we can break honor code all we want!” at that point I’m getting creaped out. Yada. “ok, I just pulled off the Riverton exit where do you live!”
AAAAAH! Yeah, I’m freaking out. I was in a panic, I called Ben. I’m asking girls what I should do. Some Weirdo stalker person is coming for me, and she wants action. And I DON’T! About an hour passes, and finally Quin reveals it was him.

Ok, so after I hit him. We tell a few people of the funny story. One which happens to be Kelsey.

side note:
Kelsey is hereby banned from JBUDD NEWS for “back biting” about it. for “trashing” on it. Sorry toots, but I don’t need you. One less isn’t going to affect me AT ALL! SO HIT THE ROAD! ;)

So unknown number starts texting me. “guess who this is?” “let me guess GirlX?” “oh you’re good!” “yeah shut up quin.” “who’s quin?” yada, yada yada. She did a decent job of being convincing, and acting offended at the stuff I was saying because I assumed it was quin.
Then later that night I get a text, “so you never knew what phone this was.” “I don’t know how I got pulled into this whole GirlX thing lol.” Yada “I can see your house from mine” yada “we met at the assembly” yada me:”oh, Rachel’s friend?” “YA you got it!” “I just couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since I met you!” …. “QUIN?” yada
Turns out it’s Kelsey. Haha good fun. And we talked for awhile and she said the following line: “what are you going to do if this happens for real?”

So I’m driving to my cabin to go snow shoe-ing. And I get a text, “guess who this is?” “let me guess GIRLX!” “no” “duh Quin your dumb” “what’s a Quin?” yada “I’ll give you a hint, we shared a special night together”
OH, what an original line! If they are trying to be convincing they need to start getting some new lines. So at this point I decide just to blow it out of proportion, it’s either Kelsay or Quin. So I’m just going to start some smack talking.
“oh, one of those?” “geez, how many of those have you had?” “oh, about one every night.” “ I’m pissed yada!” “yeah whatever Quin” “I’m not Quin!” “then when was our escapade?” “it was like late augest?” “Murray?” “good job! Got a name?” then I recall an account with some Murray girl, it really wasn’t anything big. And Kelsey’s bro, Austen was there. So I figure he’s feeding her the info. And I REFUSE to get tricked again. “ok what’s your last name? if you’re actually her…” “name y” I’m a little scared because it’s the right last name. but I forgot which first named lined up with which girls last name. So I tell her this, “is it Marta, Kelsey?” “it’s not Kelsay, it’s CHELSAY!” yada yada, it was the REAL DEAL this time. And she got all pissed. It was funny. Ironic.

So I was walking down the hall, and I noticed someone familiar. Turns out she was a guest appearance on silverscreen. Ironic. Kind of lame… but IRONIC.

So I’m selling Colin’s English book. I post the following on a bulletin board: “ English 1010 book for sell 555-2578” and so last Friday during class I get a text from some dude trying to buy the book from me. So throughout the day I’m kind of texting him about when we’re going to meet, and such. Because I don’t have the book on me, It’s at my apartment which takes a half hour to get there on bus 830. So I tell him, “I’ll have the book here at 2:30” so make a note that I jump on but 830 at about 1:23 and get back at 2:45. and because I’m late he needs to go to work, so he drives to the bus stop in his car to come pick the book up from me. Some weirdo that I’ve never met. Some man I’m supposed to TRUST that he’s not going to shoot me, rape me, and steel my book. I’m a bit terrified at this point. The car drives up and I hear a familiar voice. “jesse?” I look in the car, “trevor?” Turns out I was TEXTING a kid about selling a book who sits right next to me in my 12:00 class! I was texting him while he was right next to me!!! IRONIC.

Ok, so lets go back to this bus 830 drive down there. On the way to go pick up this book, I’m sitting there just looking hot and stuff. I notice this girl in a white jacket is STARING at me. So in a traditional JBUDD way, I STARE right back, until she breaks the eye contact. So we’re riding. And another girl says to me, “do you know any McBrides?” DANG that name sounds familiar! I personally think this was just a lame pick up line she’s trying to pull on me, but I reply, “no” “because you look sexy and I wouldn’t MIND being your McBride!” INSANE HUH!!! Well that actually didn’t happen. But I sertainly hope to see McDonalds to eventually do wedding services at a discount price. “I’ll order one McBride… TO GO!”
You know working at a sandwich shop I’ve noticed something about the “TO GO!” “TO GO” is NEVER a kind word. “TO GO” is a DEMAND!!! “TO GO” is never soft spoken, it has to be yelled. “TO GO” communicates on so many different levels, it means, “I don’t feel that you are competent enough for you to ASK me if I want to stay or to go, and I feel that if I say ‘TO GO’ as loud as I can, by the laws of nature you will be REQUIRED to make my sandwich faster then milk goes through my digestive system.”


So the girl sais to me, she says. “because you look exactly like my friend.” So I say to her obviously, “oh, so he’s hot?” and she laughs, “He just asked the same question!” holding up her phone signifying that she was texting him…. Now this whole time the girl in the white sweater is eyeing me down….

So eventually I look on to “face book” for those of you who don’t know what facebook is, it’s basically Myspace without the porn. But there’s a comment there.
Now for those of you who don’t use myspace or facebook. There’s an unwritten measure of coolness on these sites. Much like the kid who can do a back flip in the swing. But instead It’s about how many “friends” you have. So one day when I was bored I just added a bunch of random people. Thinking that I might try to talk with them and maybe meet them. But I got to lazy and never cared too.
So it turns out the girl in the white Jacket was one of those girls that I randomly added. And she recognized me but was too scared to say anything… IRONIC.

So the new semester starts and as usual there’s a bunch of new people in our college ward. And I notice that these two cute girls are looking at me. So me and Ben go meet them. Yada. This Friday there was a BYU dance, and they happened to be there. YADA me and this one girl were hitting it off and we are going to go sledding after the dance. So we’re changing to get into our winter cloths. And I realized something… I DON’T HAVE ANY!!! So I’m looking for stuff I can wear, I left all my real clothes at my hometown. But I manage to find my old track warm-ups that say, “Riverton high” on the back of them. So we go over to there house and she says, “… oh no” now this girl is from California. Just to remind you. “don’t tell me you’re from Riverton…(sort of laughing)” well folks, as most of you know, I in fact AM from Riverton. And I’d like to take this time to remind you of the control I have over all of you. I just left you hanging, and you have to read through all this garbage to find out the end. So send me five dollars in the mail ;)
So She sais, “don’t tell me you’re from Riverton.” Turns out. She dated, uh hem. TREVOR SMITH. For those of you who don’t know. He was my predecessor as SBO. I replaced him. And we were pretty tight. Like father like son I guess… but hopefully that’s not true for all things. ;) … IRONIC!!!

****Short story (really)****

Well I know some of you wait for JBUDD news for weeks. And it’s a long time in-between. So I’m going to give you plenty of material to think, and ponder upon. So here’s a quick short story.

There is a dark room. It is motionless except an arm reaching for the light switch. A click is heard as the room is flooded with light traveling at the speed of light. There is a kid standing there wearing nothing but the cloths on his back, a wide brimmed fedora hat, a suit jacket, and a guitar. Me and Ben were bored. So we decied to serenade people to the song. “growin old with you” by adam sandler. After getting bored with doing it to the people in my ward. I decided to take it up a notch and walk into random apartments of people I had no idea who they were. I walked into there house. Without saying a single word. The first noise heard from me is the strum of my guitar, as I stair deeply into a girl’s eye and sing to my hearts content. Then they begin to feel all awkward. I give them a slight grin. They try to talk to me. I won’t pay attention. I finish the song. And without a word I’m gone. GONE like the nights wind. The unmasked romantic hero with no name. when asked what my name is I turn quickly and say to them in a deep dangerous resonate tone…, “danger has no name” It made me smile. NOT IRONIC!!!

****The Future of I****

Well I just wanted you to all know that I’ve got an interview schedualated to become an Ambassador at UVSC. I’m going up against 6 other weenies. I sent in my amazing resume, and let’s all just assume that I got it. So for this next day you can all think I’m cool for a change. So from here on out, I want you to all be calling me, “ambassador JBUDD” (please don’t call me that) I just wanted you all to think I’m actually doing something before I get rejected. But we’ll see… ;)

Well that ends it for today. I hope you can all keep your pants on until I write my next one. And I don’t want anyone to let Kelsey Whitaker read this. K? … K

My fish died, jesse. Rest in peace, neil. You were a good fish.
-Loni Pilcher USU

you know, I had a goldfish that I loved. His name was “Dork Fish” this fish was the only fish I’ve seen swim upside down. Luckily goldfish have only a 3 second memory, or else he would be extremely depressed. He swims up to every single other fish in the tank and says to them, “will you be my frend??!!” and they just look at him and say, “It’s DorkFish guys, lets get out of here.” I’m serious. He swims around the fish tank towards other fish all day, and all day they just run from him. I like him…. He reminds me of a younger me. Rest in peace dork fish. And you too neil. I’m sure Dorkfish and Niel would have been lovers. By the way attached is a picture of his grave site. Thanks Loni for your state of the art camera work.
May we all learn a lesson from Loni, Loni had entered my clubfilm@gmail.com into her phone. So she can text me anytime she wants. I want the rest of you to do that. K? …K


Hey J Budd,
I just recently made this cool music video and i would be honored if you would so kindly tell everyone about it in you fantastic newsletter (which I love by the way). I want to see how popular it can become. Keep up the good work and I will await your upcoming newsletter.

Brad C.
"The Claw"

Tell them that they need to rate it and leave a comment also.


Well there it is folks. But I would like to reward my special viewers that are still reading this part with a special treat. I love you guys. I just uploaded 3 new videos. So now This whole, “clubfilm” thing is more then just a name.




You know whats gay about those first two? (except the movie) Those pieces of crap are like growing faster then any of my other movies have been. SO lets try and make these things popular. For those of you who don’t know. If you leave a comment and a rating, google ranks it higher. If you search “coldplay clocks” I’m currently the second video there. If you search, “Imac G5” I’m on the first page. Coo’ huh? Enjoy. Enjoy at my pride’s expense.


Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


I just found out I had an 8 cow wife… yeah I sold her last week! -ME

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Lucky Number 7! 2007! we got 7's up the BUTT! Exclamation point!

AHHH the great New Years is over, the beast has been slain yet one more time, but this time, it’s out for the count. KO to the beast. This is the last holiday, of what we like to call, “the holiday’s” I think that’s a really original name for such a sequence of holidays. “why don’t we name these holidays, ‘THE holidays!’” that man was unfortunately rewarded the Nobel prize in 1919.

But what I love about new years, is that people somewhere along the line decided that Christmas decorations are also legitimate for new years decorations. And I think this is just there pride coming through. “I set these things up, and I’m going to show them off for as long is socially acceptable.” They’re going to ‘suck them dry’ ‘get there money’s worth’ I really think the point of new Years isn’t to start a new year. Oh NO NO NO!!! the point of New year’s is to evict the Christmas season. Because you know if new years wasn’t there, people would be having their Christmas lights all the way into Independence Day. And by then they’d say, “eh, what the heck, it’s almost Christmas anyway.” Without New Years the world would be a devastating place to live. Light pollution would be SO bad, that kids will grow up thinking that darkness is only a Legend. Gathering around the campfire telling ghost stories about this unknown thing.

New Years was a blast for me. I went to the fireside in the conference center. It was basically like being spoon fed with material that was hip thrustic to my soul. It convinced me to stop making fun of that dork loser kid named Quin in every newsletter. ;)

>>>>ANYWAY #1

So I might hit you guys with a few stories. But I really wanna keep this short so I’ll see how it goes…

***New Years with JBUDD***

Well for any of you phonies who actually know me, you’ll know that I’m one who likes to party hop, ‘make an appearance’ at lots of parties. (by the way, if you want JBUDD NEWS to make an appearance at YOUR next party, just send an email to clubfilm@gmail.com JBUDD news makes great for parties, always providing intertainment and laughter. Costs as low as $20 dollars. So Get reservations while they still last. ;)
So after I found myself at a high school party, I said to myself. “self, I got to get out of here!!!” but I realized that The count down was happening, so I stayed for that and left immediately afterwards. And on my way back to a party with peeps my OWN age, I was driving down 12600s and driving past the Baptist church. Now this church is the funniest church I’ve ever seen. If churches were people, this one would be Seinfeld himself. They always prove to have something on there sign that always gives me a chuckle or two ‘god answers knee mail’. So as I was driving past I braced myself for laughter as I began to read. And the sign read, “New Year’s Eve party, 7pm – 12AM” after I regained my breath from laughing, I pulled a U-turn and went straight to that church and decided I was going to party with some Baptists. Long story short I’m getting baptized next Friday. ;)

Oh, by the way, not really.

BUT this reminded me of a story of back when I was in… 8th grade we’ll say.

So me and my peeps. (lance) we’re walking home from the great Oh queer hills mental school. (oquirrh hills middle) and then on the corner of the street there’s this strange LARGE woman standing there. This woman is DEFINITELY no ordinary woman. She seemed as though she was trying to sell drugs or some cheep watches. She’s got a trench coat, shifty eyes looking around all uncomfortably. And we approach her with much caution, because LAST time I walked in on a drug deal, these gangsters chased me on there bikes for like 5 min. (long story) So I’m approaching WITH CAUTION. I’m taking the procedures one takes when approaching a stranger. So I’m in my karate stance ready to fight her and she comes and approaches us. I’m READY for some SHIZ! She pulls something out of her pocket. I’m scared. SUSPENSE IS BUILT, but all comes crashing down at the realization that it was just a FLYER.

Ok, now this is an important part. The flyer reads the following: “Pizza and dancing party. Riverton community center room 666. 7:00”

Now my childish mind had a thought process similar to this, “I like pizza. I like dancing. And 7 is my favorite number. It’s like 8, which is Steve Young’s jersey number, but it’s like one LESS then that! (true story) I’M GOING!!!!
So it’s an hour or so before the dance. And I’m pumped. We got our group of friends together, and we decided we were going to DRESS UP! I’m wearing some trench coat with a cool fedora hat. Aaron has this pimp shirt on with this HUGE top hat. I don’t even WANT to remember what anyone else was wearing.
So in a middle school fashion, we walk to the community center.

Now I haven’t been in that place since they remodeled it BUT, I’ll let you know my experience. We walk into the front door. The lights are dim and there is no warm bodies appearing to be present in our vicinity. We walk up this creepy dark stair case. I looked up and actually EXPECTED to see a noose hanging there. Once we’re up stairs we read some sign on a door that said, “don’t come through here floor may collapse” comfort was NOT the feeling I had at this moment. We start checking rooms. All EMPTY with a small glow of moonlight coming through those forbidden windows. We check the cafeteria NOTHING.
I decided that we should start checking the unknown part of this ancient school. So I walk past the Jail cell door. (not even lying) which opened up into a whole new section of halls. Off afar I hear some Faint music. I’m excited. So like a kid in a candy store I run towards this music, every step was one step closer to the pizza I would be consuming. I’m counting the number of slices I’m going to eat. “8, no wait I should have SEVEN because It’s ALMOST 8 but not quite you know? But I don’t want to be greedy, because there’s going to be some lady fan’s there… yada” So I get to the door and to my shock and horror it’s not a dance at all, but it’s a Jazzercise class. Hope was lost. Agony filled the air. We were never going to find the exit of this place we were doomed for eternity in a world of empty rooms and Jazzercise.

We had checked every door… BUT ONE. Because this door said no joke, “DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR!” I don’t know about you, but when something says, “DON’T OPEN THIS DOOR!!! SON OF A BI!” I generally DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! So we decided wtf. Lets check that room anyway. So We’re going to look into this room. Our LAST hope for any civilization. And we open the door as our Jaws slowly drop. This is no ROOM, this is a whole new HALLWAY. There’s a whole school that I have never known to exist, on the other side of that door. Long story short we find room 666.

O.K. I’d like you to remember the flyer now. We walk into this room late, so we expect there to be some people there. But NO. there is no other kids our age. There is no pizza, and there DEFINITELY is no music or dancing.
Some people greet us. We immediately say with a twitch in our eyes from our long journey. “where’s the pizza! Where’s the Music! Where’s the PEOPLE!!!” they say to us, they’ll all be here in a minute but while we’re waiting we’ve got a message to share with you. So we sit down, like 3 more people show up. So there is like 7 people in this room, and like 4 adults. The lights dim and some guy steps out and talks.

IT’S a PENTECOSTAL CHURCH PSYCO TRYING TO CONVERT US THING! And they start preaching to us. And the whole time we’re just like laughing. And the guy asks us a question, “have any of you seen a dead body!!” of course Aaron had to say “oh, heck yes, we went down to the lake once and there was this guy floating in it, and he was all bloated and stuff. It was SO rad. We pulled him out of the water, and tried to pop him with a STICK!” We told them so many lies. And they BELIEVED THEM!! And after he was done preaching to us, these 3 people walk out.
“OH! Hey STEVE!” Lances neighbor. Awkward…. So they proceed to play to the seven of us there Christian rock music. And we just sat there and listened. In our costumes. Looking at the other group of people in there skanked out dresses, ready to party. After a grueling hour they finally finish. And then I recognized a familiar smell…. PIZZA. And there end of the deal was kept, they provided the goods. And then it was all worth it.

We talked with them, told them more lies, they made us fill out these cards with out phone numbers on it. So we just lied some more. I think I put my name as ‘refrigerator’ or something. And my phone number, 1800-spank-me.

The end.


beautiful fort jesse! but lets not delay, i've got a doozy of a story here:

So i'm going out wednesday night with some good old friends from back in the high school years. tyler roberts, will garner, reed anderson, preston ford, bryan sorensen... i could go on for days. we decide we're going to convoy on down to Provo and have dinner with some friends that are going to BYU and still taking finals... what a nice visit, right?? HAHA so we drive on down there, pick up some peeps, and drive out to TGI Friday's. now, said food factory is located next door to the Hilton right off of University Parkway, which further down is also located to this, i assume government owned Utah Job Office or something or other. missing the turn to TGI's i swing into this workplace FORTRESS, and suspecting the parking lots connect i swing around the north side of the building. to what do my wonderous eyes to appear?! a spike strip. yes, a spike strip. i hit the spike strip, blowing two tires on the passenger side of my vehicle. oh my, says i, what an idiotic thing to do. i call my dad and inform him of my little mishap, trying to come up with a plausible excuse to explain how on earth i managed to hit a spike strip. how i only blew two tires still boggles me to this day, as those bloody contraptions are designed to take out all four. pure skill i tell you. meanwhile, my buddies are replacing the two tires with the spare in the trunk of mine, and one from a friend that was nearby that i had contacted and asked for a bit of assistance (take note, i later found out that the REAR tire that these hooligans put on had the lug nuts on backwards. BACKWARDS! last time i let them change a freaking tire!). the tire we scrapped from the 2nd vehicle didn't fit, and i ended up having to call a tow truck to take the car to a nearby Discount Tire Co, where we left it there overnight. Its okay, spikes strips are an apparent road hazard (no way! really?! jeez.) and were covered under the warranty. i ended up having to only pay $29 for two new tires! crazy eh?! so this whole grand adventure cost me a total of $79, including the two. darn those spike strips...

the fun doesn't stop there, no. you have to remember that this is the night before the Las Vegas Bowl, where BYU would be playing Oregon. we had tickets, of course. my dad was FURIOUS when he learned we had to obscure our schedule, push back the alotted time from 7:30am, to 9:00am to allow my mom enough time to find a way to get to PROVO and retrieve the repaired vehicle. my uncle and cousins show up and we hop in the "Mormon Bus," our '96 GMC suburban. we were on the road. GLORIOUS, our past behind us we were on the way to Vegas baby! our joy was short lived, however. 3 hours later, 30 miles out of Cedar City the suburban dies. quits. right there on the freeway. we pull over, and man i swear we must be paying tithing or something, a cop pulls up behind us within 10 seconds of opening the hood. he calls the chevy dealer in Cedar and orders a tow truck on the spot! it was fantastic! 45min later, the suburban on the back of a big wrecker and the 5 of us crammed into the cab. me, being the thinner of the group was volunteered to sit in the middle, in the front seat. Its a manual, so i was pretty much straddling the gear shift for the 20min drive into cedar. THAT was an experience, let me tell you. We're feeling good, despite our suffering, when the driver told us we could rent a car right there at the dealership and drive to vegas! pretty freaking lucky! we wouldn't lose that much time! we pull into the dealership, walk into the office grinning and laughing knowing we 5 hours until kick off and the trip would only take us 3. the look on the receptionist's face, however, was grave. we were informed that there were NO rental cars available in the entire boundary of Cedar City. i'm thinking "CRAP!" after 2 hours of calling around, we discovered the only vehicle available for rent was a 2 seater cargo van. looking at each other, being we were already 2 hours behind schedule due to my blasted spike stripping incident (shaking fist motion), we figured we had to get this show on the road and proceeded over to the rental dealer to sign the paper work. i know what you're thinking ;) but it didn't quite come to that. the last possible phone call we could have made was to the municipal airport there in town, and they had ONE minivan available for overnight rental. MAN we lucked out, kind of. seeing as how we had 3 hours til kickoff. cutting it close. we're on the road and i'm happy to say we had no further car troubles, we made it to Vegas, navigated the monstrosity called traffic and made it to the stadium just as two F-15 Strike Eagles made a fly-by and hit the afterburners just as we were walking underneath their flight path. (kinda cool experience, your rib-cage rattled so hard you could almost feel your organs being shaken to mush. the roar of the twin-turbine engines of the two planes set off hundreds of car alarms that all chirped and sang well after the aircraft had left.) we arrived at our seats, on Row 6, Section 3, south endzone JUST as kickoff commenced. we had made it, and i do say. being right next to the field in that particular endzone made it all worth while. 3/5 scores were within 20 ft. from where i was standing. BYU then proceeded to give Oregon an "Old Fashioned Butt Kicking" and hammered those poor, puke colored helmet stricken Ducks 38-8 in the biggest attendance at any sporting event ever recorded in the state of Nevada. Most memorable Vegas Bowl trip, ever.

Kyle "fweepa" McClellan, signing out

P.S: in other news, I made it through the Quarter-Finals in my fantasy football league, beating the No. 3 seed 124-123 to move into the semi round. :D


and you thought I write a lot! Well this story shows many principles that I like to preach. But the biggest one I’d say is, persistence. Persistence will help you go the distance kyle, and you proved that a little more literally then we all thought. Another one is RISK! He took a risk with those spikes, and they proved to hurt him. But that’s how life is, every once in awhile you make a bad decision, but you need to get back up and keep fighting. And if you keep on making those risks, you’ll find that you’re NOT hitting into spikes more then you are. You may be driving on the wrong side of the road, but hey, whatever works right? In Britain the actually LIKE to drive on the wrong side. Good story.

You are so funny Jesse!! Mabybe I'll actually start reading JBUDD news now! :-)
-Kelsay “ditz face” Whitaker
Thanks, preesh’
Got to throw in one of those once in awhile to remind you guys that I actually AM funny.
Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email clubfilm@hotmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
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