Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ode to Car - and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire (part3)

Click here for part one and part two

***COMMENT ***
You forgot the part where we had to remove half of the bottom of that small land yacht to replace the fuel pump. 
     -R Blake

Oh yes MR Blake.  How could I forget?

Story Title:
JBUDD: and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire

I got my new grandpa car, I was on top of the world!  Driving from place to place, buying groceries all by myself, going to pick up a movie at the local Hastings, driving to friends' places.  Life was exuberant to say the least.  To show my gratitude for the car dubbed, "The USS BUDD"  I tried to park next to other grampa cars whenever possible so the land yacht had company through the night.
I took it to a gas station round here called, "Aggie Station" and did the whole voodoo "pay outside" put in your card thing.

After swiping my card, I was completely lost.  Don't get me wrong, I've filled up a car with gas before, but this one was... DIFFERENT.  There was like no button to choose the grade of gas to use, and they had some ghetto sign hanging on the pump.

Terrified and lost, I canceled the transaction and got the "H" out of there, went to 7-11, filled up my car, got back in, turned the ignition, and heard the dreaded sound.  I'll try and reenact it for you, it goes something like this, "jitititititirrrrrriititititi"

People started to look at me.  A tough yet attractive girl came over and said, "It's an alternator problem.  Happened to me not long ago"

Later some dude came over, "It's your fuel injectors."

That seemed a little more plausible to me, since the problem sounded like a lack of fuel and not electrical until finally my battery died.

A newly engaged couple offered to tow me back to the Old FARM parking lot, where my car sat for the next few months.  Laying as lifeless as an inadament object can lay.  Gathering snow, as the other "popular" cars'  snow were being scraped off everyday.

I resorted back to the transportation that I've used since I was born - walking.  I was used to it, so I didn't have any problem with it, and almost convinced myself that I never even HAD a car.  It was just a dream.

The hustle and bustle of college life diminished as the semester dwindled to an end.  The USS BUDD still lied motionless.  I had to get him out of there.  I couldn't leave my loyal friend behind!  I was determined that we were going to bust out of the "old farm," and we were going to do it TOGETHER.

The day before I was forced out of my apartment, my friend "R Blake" helped me to fix it.  We spent 5 hours on our backs trying to unriddle this problem like some sick bewitched game from Harry Potter.

"The task is to replace the fuel pump from the chamber of gas.  However, to get INSIDE the chamber, you must remove the tank that is full of molten gas without spilling a drop on your robes.  A drop of muggle gas is equivalent to the sting from a viper.  To remove the tank, you must get past the fire-y exhaust pipe from the catalyst converter.  To achieve this, you must get past the U ring that has been enchanted with 17 years of rust."

However bleak this may sound.  you will be excited to know, that we did it... we GOT the sorcerers stone! I MEAN fuel pump!


some pictoral evidence:

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ode to Car - Part 2

Click here for part one

Having a car opens many windows that non car people can’t do. For example: The drive thru window.

They’re always trying to give you some new crap item you don’t want.

You drive up.
“wanna try our new hot and spicy chicken pot pie?”
“um… no thanks, I’ll have 3…” (looking at the dollar menu of course.) “McBurgers no seeds on the bun…”

They’re always trying to give you some garbage item that they can't find any other way to sell.  Just once I'd like to turn the tables back on THEM.
“would you like to try our new…”
“NO thanks, but you know, I’ve got an old microwave in the back of my car, it’s missing the turntable plate, but... do you want it?”

See how THEY like it.

In McDonald's, EVERYTHING is Mc. For example: They’ve got McMuffins, McChicken, McGrittles, Big Mc, etc.
I think their naming team has the easiest job in the world.

”what should we call it?”
“well what is it?”
“It’s a salad…”
“hmm... how 'bout McSalad?’
(As they hand him fist fulls of cash.)

You know a lot of millionaires today had their first job at McDonald's.  It’s true! Bill gate’s first job was at McDonald's. It takes someone of initiative and ingenuity to walk in through those golden arched McDoors, fill out a McApplication with your McPencil, hoping to make more than McMinimum-wage, aspiring to someday become the “McManager.”

I think that’s why it turns out so many brilliant people. Bill gates came to a point of his life and said, “I want to be the McFounder-of-Microsoft and I want to make an operating system called “McDOS” and as we all know the story, he quit McDonald's that day, and became the richest man in the world. THE END

To be continued...


Youtube now allows 15 minutes of video, so I released the FULL version of "The Apartment" with 2 1/2 minutes more. Just in case you didn't get the memo on facebook.
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