Thursday, June 21, 2007

Numero el fifteeno (last one.)

Well Ladymen and GENTLEmen, this may be the last JBUDD NEWZ (ooh, z) ye shall be receiving from me for two years.

SO last time I asked ye where you thought I would be going, and I never actually announced any winners. Here’s what some of YOU guessed:

Kyle Challis: Provo, Utah.
>>>>COMMENT: uh… I think I’d make up a sin just to NOT go there. I’m sorry I commited…. Jazzer…fi…CATION! JAZZERFICATION! Sorry bishop I can’t go! (just kidding. I’d go there if I had to.)

Rachel Holt:
1. Florida? only because I can't spell Louisanna
2. Brazil, because I mean, EVERYONE goes to brazil, its the cool place to be apparently. I wish I was there. think of all those missionaries...mmmm...
3. Poland. uh huh.
>>>>>COMMENT: I don’t know what possessed you to give THREE answers, I specifically asked for ONE! But irregardless, you’re wrong! Get out of here!

>>>>>COMMENT: Baby? as in: I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby?

Meagan Bentley:
first of all...Canada
second of all- the beach boys, one of the first boy bands, often speak of
wanting to GET married…
First of all… ok, you’re WRONG
SECOND of all… I know you are but what am I! HA!

Meagan Wyllie: I guess the southwest like Arizona or Texas.
>>>>>COMMENT: OOH, two Meagan’s, and two answers! PARTY!

Brayden Kemp: Witchita, Kanses...or maybe Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...we could be missionary companions...but nonetheless, I am saying, Witchita.
>>>>>COMMENT: first of all, it’s Wichita, I only know that because spell check underlined it. BUT if their actually ARE witches in Wichita, then I think the spelling is robbing the town of some sweet tourism action.

Katie Sparrow (Jack sparrow’s little sister…)
I'm not sure where you'll go...i'm going to say Africa....
>>>>>COMMENT: really? You’re not sure? Africa’s kinda a big guess… You should have just said, “EARTH, I CALL EARTH! NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE IT! NO BATTLE! …. yes!...”

OK, before I announce the winner, I’d like to spank (thank) all the participants, and the good workers here at JBUDD NEWS who spend the time every day editing through all the thousands of emails I get to ensure that only the BEST get in here. ;) and most of all, I’d like to thank myself for writing these. Ok:

I just measured the mileage, and I’d just like to mention that no one was even CLOSE. The closest would be at the horn of Africa measuring 4,727 miles. Congrats captain sparrow, you win! The TOP PRIZE is a picture of me I’ll email you. And in last place was hatch face’s Argentina which is very close to the EXACT OPPOSITE end of the world measuring 11,319 miles! Congrats?

OK, I’ve got a few things to tell ye before I do some rambling.

WHEN: JUNE 24th, at 9:00am
WHERE: church on the corner of 13400 S and 2700 W in RIVERTON
HOW: dressed in church cloths

Remember those invitations you’d get to like your best friends birthday party? WHO WHAT WHEN WERE HOW! I think the point was to teach the kid how to plan something logically, “wait… I need to tell them WHEN? WHERE? What is this thing? MOM! Plan my party for me!” At least that’s how it was when I was a kid. My friends never planned there birthday party, heck, we would even have our moms CALL the other kid over, “can you have Brandon come over and play with me?” maybe that’s because no one actually WANTED to play with me, so I had to get my mom to talk to there mom and FORCE them to… yeah, being a kid was great. Imagine trying that out now. HEY MOM! Can you force Hillary to go on a date with me? Actually, lets just get married.


The day: Tuesday june 19th.
The time: 3:00pm

I was sitting at my house all bored when I went to go into my room to get some shoes to put on, when I noticed my door was turned away from me. MEANING someone was in there. That’s when I heard it, my mother in her best nagging voice says to me, “I wish you’d learn how to use a hanger, I payed blah blah blah suit blah blah blah dry clean.” And of course my defenses are THROWN up! “well I wish you wouldn’t clean my room!” ooh, good comeback! Well she retaliated with something I don’t remember, but this for a moment had me all worked up so I went back upstairs and thought, what if when she came back up, I was gone! The old traditional childhood thought. But don’t discredit me too much, I quickly laughed and thought at how childish I was being. Then I thought about it some more… hey, that would be pretty fun. Just jump on my bike and start riding. I entertained this thought for awhile debating on whether I should or not. So finally I got my sleeping bag, a jug of water and jumped on my piece of HUNK bike. And I said I’d just start riding and fall asleep wherever I ended up. It just so happened to be I was in Provo when it became night time. So long story short I climbed to the “Y” and slept up there. Pretty much was the worst sleep of my life. Not gonna lie.

But I did discover a few things on this long journey all by myself:

Discovery #1:
My back hurts from carrying this stupid sleeping bag with me. Why did I do that?

Discovery #2:
While listening to coldplay and riding your bike, sing along at the top of your lungs. In return you will receive funny looks from passing people. It will make you smile.

Discovery #3:
Hey I found a natural hot spring!

Discovery #4: hiking the Y is really hard after riding 50 miles

Discovery #5: Find level ground to sleep on. Otherwise you’ll keep sliding down towards that 3 foot cliff.

Discovery #6: Sitting down on your bike seat after a day of biking SUCKS.


So then I woke up at 6:00 and jumped on the bus back to riverton and as I did, I pondered a few things:

The bus is REALLY just a waiting room on wheels. You walk up to the receptionist (the driver) He tells you you’re at the right place, and that your destination will be right with you. It’s about a half hour wait. You sit down; you get comfortable, maybe pull out something to read… “I wonder what’s wrong with THAT guy…” Hoping to avoid small talk at any cost.
I wanna hop on a bus that has only one person on it and just sit RIGHT NEXT to them, and not say a word. Maybe even lean on them a little. Now THAT would be awkward. There’s like this unwritten rule that no one can talk. One day before I die, I want those bus doors to open, and as they do, I hear the pounding techno music being blasted in my ears. I walk up to the bus driver (who’s dressed like a clown from the 80’s…) and everyone cheers my name in complete sync, “JBUDD!” There’s drinks, tables, card games. Not too many people are sitting down… I mean, they give you that BAR to hang on to while standing up. Which provides the perfect “flirt stance” for guys and girls, one hand on the bar, the other one CASUALLY in the pocket, or used for the occasional ‘tap on the shoulder’ followed by laughter. Really, the bus should be a GREAT place to meet people. “so… you ride the bus too huh?”
anyway, enough with my fantasy.

I also like to look around at all the signs posted all over. My personal favorite, is the “seeing eye dog” being allowed, as opposed to NORMAL pets not… my first thought is… they’re blind! What good is that picture going to do! But don’t worry the smart people at UTA made sure that all the rules are posted in BRAIL underneath the corresponding picture! I wanna JUST ONCE in my life time, be sitting on the back row of the bus. When this crazy lunatic runs in with his seeing eye dog. Finds the nearest wall and just starts feeling around. “I’VE GOT TO FIND THE RULES! WHERE ARE THEY? There’s a wall here PEOPLE, and I know there’s brail SOMEWHERE on it!” meanwhile, everyone’s just pissed at him as he’s running into them. “No combustibles on the bus? Since when?”

WELL. I’m done. The end.
JBUDD NEWS, adieux.

ps. I wrote a poem real fast
JBUDD news
you are cool
when I was 2
I used to drool

JBUDD news
oh baby
oh baby
JBUDD NEWS! (guitar riff.)
the end.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Number 14

I’d like to welcome you all out to JBUDD NEWS 14th edition. Tomorrow I’ll probably be getting my mission call… so Reply to this email, and make a guess on where I’m going, if you’re the closest person, you will get TOP PRIZE!!!

So I just remembered a story… STORY TIME!!!!

So it’s the summer of ’06 and I’m with my good friend Skyler. We decided to go to taco bell, because HEY, who doesn’t like taco bell? I mean a half pound burrito for a buck! Now that’s VALUE! Anyway… So this particular time, the drive thru line was pretty enormous. So we had to wait for awhile trying to entertain each other. Skyler at least had the advantage of having a rear view mirror, in which he used to look at the girl in the car behind us. He said to me, “she’s pretty cute.” I couldn’t really see her myself. So skyler says to me, “I’ll give you 5 bucks if you go back there and get her phone number!” Now I thought that I was somewhat of a hunk of meat, so I was thinking…”no problem, I’ve got it! I’ve got it!”
I get out of the car, and as I’m walking up to her window, I’m thinking to myself, “she’s not that cute…” I’m trying to think of what I’m going to say, my mind is racing, but my body is CALM. I walk up to her all smoothly, “you must have played football because you’ve got a TIGHT END!” OWWW! Jk. I don’t know what I actually said… but it was pretty smooth as I recall. So I ask her, “can I have your number?” She points at her stomach and replies:
“I’m 6 months pregnant!”
….. I’m standing in the middle of the road hitting on a pregnant lady…. Hahahahaha.
I bursted into laughter and said that this was going to make a great story, shook her hand and went to my car and laughed for like 5 minutes.
In the end I didn’t get her phone number.


I think we’re all adult enough to admit that yes, we all liked backstreet boys at some point in our lives. Not in a homosexual way, but in a, “I could see me listening to this. Not like EVERY day, but maybe every OTHER day? I don’t know…” The songs really had some emotion. Some days I just felt like saying, girl, “QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!” I always thought that song was WAY to calm for the lyrics. They lyrics are like a demand you’d hear at a gun point. I longed to hear nick just SCREAMING at the top of his lungs crying. “QUIT PLAYING GAMES @*&!#” he’d actually SAY “quit playing games at asterisk and exclamation point pound!” it could have been a number one JAM. But instead, it was only a number two.

The backstreet boys WERE cool. Emphasis on WERE. There was a moment when everyone liked them, but then some kid made fun of another kid for liking them. Someone made a personal attack on the body we call “the backstreet boys.” Someone decided it would be funny to call them “The backstreet GIRLS.” DISREGARDING the scientific evidence that they are actually indeed BOYS, starting a huge prejudism and injustice to all who liked them, JUST for the benefit of themselves. Whow wants to like a band people call “backstreet girls?” anyway? NOT ME! Girls can’t be backstreet! No one’s going to listen to that! Now all because of that first kid to make fun of them, all of a sudden the whole 4th grade wasn’t allowed to like them. Tyranny had taken over the playground. People were told to deny there boyband or suffer public humiliation. Anarchy had broken out, never to return… Hope was disappearing, the future seamed somewhat… bleak.

The same thing happened with Barney the dinosaur! Before kindergarten EVERY kid was watching Barney! Then first day of school, the same kid stands up and informs the whole class, “just to let you new comers know… now that we’re officially in public school, a few things need to go. #1 picking your nose… You either have to do it before or after school, or do it when no one is looking, or else roomers will spread about you faster then a wild fire. #2 Barney… is out! (gasp from the kids.) I’m sorry, I didn’t make the rules, But you WILL be made fun of from here on out for watching it in any forms.” And that’s what happened. Kids still watched it… but they watched it in secret. As if they were escaping Auschwitz. Then every once in awhile the witch hunt would begin and false accusations would be made.
“Timmy stole my shoe teacher!”
“well HE watches BARNEY!” (gasp from the class)
The teacher suddenly stops what she’s doing and has to step in and mediate this argument, “is it true you watch barney Ronald?”
The kid at this point is trembling, “no…” but alas, his knees are trembling and it is obvious that he’s lying.
“don’t make me repeat myself Ronald… did you watch barney or not!”
at this point little Ronald breaks down in tears as the teacher yells to the two biggest kids in the room. “TAKE HIM AWAY!”

That’s how it happened, as far as I remember. That’s how the backstreet boys were. But I’d have you guys know that I’ve had a dark secret since that time. And I am READY to take a stand against this Injustice. I JBUDD want to be in a boyband. It’s true. I mean, I’ve got the dance moves already… I’ve been practicing saying, “girl” as best I can. The only problem is… Is I don’t think I’m allowed to get married.

I’m pretty sure that being in a boy band automatically disqualifies you to ever being married. You never hear any boy band song talking about them actually GETTING the girl. That’s right, you know it’s true. All they sing about is how the girl is breaking there heart, or how much they want the girl. But NEVER do they actually SAY, “girl, I got you. You are my girl. We’re going to get married… and start a family!” In reality that makes sense. I mean who would want to listen to this.
“GIRL! Today I got home from work! And the house was kind of messy! And Dinner wasn’t made! So I threw my shoe thru the wall! You ran out crying! So I made a TV DINNER! And it was… kind of cold! So PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!” Married songs just don’t work. “I changed the kid’s diaper. And it really stunk. Then I did the dishes! And you thought that it was really cool. So we went to TACO BELL!!!! And You paid for it! and GIRL, that made my night!”

That one goes out to all my groupies on row five!!! Anyway. JBUDD OUT!!!

How do I unsubscribe from this? I have no clue how I got onto this list, or who you are, but I get way too many emails from you without having any clue who you are.

Couldn’t take it eh? Couldn’t handle the news from some random kid that you have no idea who he is eh? Well cool. If anyone else is in this boat, just send me an email with “unsubscribe” into the subject line.
Woah! I just made a discovery. I think Gmail puts anyone who ever emailed you into your contacts or something. Because I deleted this guy off the list and now he’s there again. If anyone has a solution tell me.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Lucky number 13!

Well... I know what you're all thinking. "It's been like 2 months since the last one! You said that you were going to write shorter more frequent JBUDD NEWS'es! I like to complain a lot! Me me me me!" well let me tell you a story. There once was a little boy who planted a carrot seed. Everyone said that It was never going to grow. Long story short it grew to the fear of everyone. The little kid went around with his fury and rampage, collecting the money from the bets he made with them. He eventually made thousands of dollars off of his carrot seed bet, and became a millionaire at age 12. He now has a wife who's expecting child within the next month. But little does the carrot seed kid know that the child isn't his... That's the moral of this story... If you plant a carrot seed, you'll have an illegitimate child. And thus we can relate to JBUDD NEWS?


You know what I think is a bunch of crap? Uncle Sam. THAT's RIGHT! I said it! UNCLE SAM!

I'm not saying that I'm a flaming democrat that hates the U.S. I'm saying that I think our country's mascot is in need of some souping up.

I am convinced that Uncle Sam was even more random then my "Steve" mascot for MY made up holiday. I can just see it now. The president is sitting in his office filling out his tax refund, thinking to himself, "Man, this country is as stingy as my uncle Sam." Then right at that moment the light bulb turned on, and angelic choirs were heard in the distance.

That particular president was actually awarded the Nobel prize in 1821.

Growing up as a current U.S. citizen, I've grown to get used to all my schools and sports team's mascots. "the BEARS, the GRIZZLIES, the SILVERWOLVES, the LOCNESS MONSTER'S!"

Man those are ferocious. When I hear those names I think, "man I'm scared of them… bears eat me. Silverwolves… ouch. The loc ness… is big… and tasty. (so I hear) then you'll get the general mascots like: the Indians, the miners, and TROJAN MAN! I'm pretty fly with these ones. I mean wouldn't it be nice to just be the "USA: Americans" "Riverton: Rivertonians" (ooh, sounds tough.) Wouldn't that just make the world so much easier? "We are the rivertonians! Uh huh! We are the rivertonians, the mighty mighty rivertonians! And WE! SHALL! CONQUER!! WOOOOO! (cheerleaders are kicking in the air while holding up there index finger. Pretending that we're actually number one… Who are they trying to convince? The crowd already knows we're not number one, we're DOWN 42 to 6! Anyway…) No more memorizing teams that I have to pretend to know. "OOH, the darts are playing the raptors!" Everyone's all into the game, I'm just sitting in the back all confused, "GO… GO RAPTORS… Hit them with the claw! Whip him with your tail! Fight and win my favorite sports team! May your superior raptor abilities take down those measly inanimate objects…" everyone's looking at me, a coke can glances off my head… yeah, I miss middle school…

Wouldn't that be a nice way for fighting wars?


The announcers have these headsets on…

Announcer1: I just don't think that the Iraqi bombers have the defense to handle the USA: koala bear's.

Announcer2: I'd agree. What coach sadaam should do is put in his weaker forces in the front line, then flank them from the right with the special opps!

Announcer1: and if koala's coach Bush had his head on straight he'd bomb them from above with a bowing 747!

Announcer2: whatever happens, we can GUARANTEE the audiences that this is going to be an EXILLERATING match!

(yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about… but you get the point!)


Sam... Strait up sam… Is that the image we want to give to the rest of the world? I mean we all have that uncle sam that sits around all day watching T.V. drinking beer. Not being able to hold a steady job or girl friend… "I'm not as THINK as you DRUNK I AM! Officer!" Is that the image we're trying to give to our children? Always borrowing money from other people. And you just give it to him because you know you'll never see it again.

"Man Uncle Sam keeps trying to hit me up for this social security thing he keeps talking about. I know he's just going to use it to buy drugs! … or medicare…"

And another thing. When was the last time Uncle Sam… LOOKED AROUND? Does he see what OTHER people are wearing? NOPE. He's set on his style of cloths. "I'll take a pair long striped red, white, and blue pants…. What the heck! Throw in a tall top hat and jacket to match!" I think he must have gotten a funny look from the retailer, "I'm going to have to see my manager about this one." then he decided to wear this SAME EXACT THING for the next 200 years. TAKE A SHOWER ALREADY!!!

You've got to give him a break though… He IS an old guy… and we all know that once you hit a certain age… someTHING start to change… and you wear the same thing for the rest of your life…

We all know what I'm talking about! Anyone take a look at your dad. Same cloths every day. I actually convinced it's mandatory. I think once they hit a certain age, the FBI pulls them in to there office, tosses them a pair of lee's, with a worn in wallet and key mark, and the saggy butt accompanied by the tight ankles. Tosses him the conservative button up shirt and sais, "it's time…" He puts his head down and walks out the door…

But seriously! When do you reach that point when you wake up and you say, "This is it! This is what I'm wearing the REST of my life!"


Ultimately why I hate uncle sam is for THIS reason…

"I want YOU to yada yada yada!" OOOOH what a bunch of garbage! What a week sell out to the whole world! The original, "I want YOU to join the Union army!" …cool, that's cool Uncy Sammy its cool AND cute really... It's when he went CRAZY with this. "I want YOU to apply for a home equity loan…" "I want YOU to buy this night stand." "I want YOU to get a membership at gold's gym!" and I'm sitting back thinking to myself, "common, uncle!" I'm saying this as I'm thumbing thru the one's in my wallet… well I want YOU to lower taxes, I want YOU to ban abortion… I want YOU to ban gay marriages…. I want YOU to beet the south and ban slavery! GO UNION!!! And I want YOU to get a new job, and let the new young hip polar bear to replace you… YOU my friend… are FIRED!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The 12 Tribes of JBUDD

What a gorgeous day today was it not? Well to answer that question... NO, no it WASN'T! I was pissed.
Before I went to college, I prided myself on being able to wake up. As all of you know, during most of my high school life, I slept on the floor. I decided that the bed was too RESTRICTIVE. I mean, a bed is ultimately telling you where you CAN and CANT sleep. I think whoever invented the bed was just a failed attempt to try and take over the world. Like a pinky and the brain episode, in which not only did they fail to take over the world, but they failed to even come up with a logical way to do it!

Have you noticed in every show they have the smart witty guy, who develops all the ingeniously plotted out plan, and then they're hanging around some idiot, just to make sure they never succeed. If they're so smart, why don't they get some new friends? “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball. But I'm going to have to let you go.” then Mr. Skrewball will start to cry. “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball, I didn't mean it.” “why do we got to fight like this Mr. Smart?” “I don't know, I just get carried away sometimes... Lets never fight again.” then they embrace each other and they're gazes align, and the whole world seems to stop, and then one of them moves in...

>>>>>ANYWAY #1
The bed just TELLS you where to sleep. Back in the day before beds were made, it use to be, “I'm tired... oh look! Tree! I will go settle down near it. Become it's friend. And maybe if I'm lucky I will have rest there...”
I think the original plot was to get these foolish humans to depend so much on their bed-ical devices, and then they were going to activate the “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, and then those foolish humans wouldn't know what to do. But LUCKILY James bond stopped Mr. Skrewball and Mr. Smart before they could do it! They almost killed him, but luckily they told him they're whole plan, and he miraculously escaped the jail cell with his watch that just HAPPENED to have a “jail-cell-getter-out-of-er” on it! And he KILLS Mr. Skrewball and Smart by thrusting them into their VERY OWN “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, in which they both comBUST into flames. At which point bond turns and looks at the camera and says his famous punch line, “You're FIRED!” then he winks at the camera, and flies away into the sunset!

Scroll credits

>>>>>ANYWAY #2
So I'm laying on the floor, the clock strikes 6:00 the air is filled with tyranny and caos! The world as I know it is collapsing around me. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
THAT'S when I realize that It's morning and my alarm clock is going off.

What I want to know, is who invented that awful sound on the alarm? I'm a firm believer that the alarm clock sound is the worst possible sound that any object can possibly make! I want to know WHO figured out what that was? I figure it was a failed attempt to take over the world, by slowly making us go insane every morning by that awful sound. But luckily james bond saved us again... too.

Anway. I keep my alarm clock on the other side of the room, so I HAVE to get up. So I wake up, and I guess I'm a little EXTRA drowsy that morning. But I had to draw upon all my strength to crawl over the alarm. And for some reason I kept cauging, “GOLLUM! GOLLUM!” I was thinking MAN this is weird. But I turn my alarm off, and I guess this was a cue for my body to collapse. STOP
at this point I think to myself. I weigh about 170 pounds. My head is now accelerating at 8.92 meters/Second SQUARED. Or was it 8.29? PLAY

by this time, my head came in FULL contact with my desk. And I lay there... NAKED.

>>>>>ANWAY X 3 #1
man I don't even know where I was going with this. Well I get dressed, I'm thinking to myself, it was warm yesterday, I'm going to wear shorts. I put shorts on. I A-walk over to the door. Open it. And cried myself all the way to school.

OK I'm glad everyone could make it out to JBUDD NEWS 12th edition. It's really hard to think of something that rhymes with twelve. I kept thinking of words like, “mwelve! ... SHWELVE!!” by that point my roommate yelled at me.. “shut up! ... that's my moms name...”

OOOOH GEEZ!!! welcome. This is what I have to live with.... myself... (imagine that!) Luckily I like myself. Or else I would have evicted myself long ago. OK? ok. Here we go. Hold on to your breeches partner, because we're in for a story.


So I'm trying to join the UVSC track team, as all of you know. I know what you're thinking, “but Jesse, hasn't track already started?” well yes... AND no... but mostly yes. But as one of the laws of Jesse states:
Persistence will help you go the distance. Which I need to tell you another story now:

So do you remember back in the day when I was hard, and drove a motorcycle? Well I do. Well the story goes like thus. My motorcycle was acting up and I couldn't start it electrically, SO that meant I had to push start it. So I push start it and I drive it over to 'parkway crossing' where my girl currently resided. I get there, just fine. We hang out, and it's like 12, and I leave. I start to run along side the motorcycle and throw it into second. IT WONT START. For about a half hour I run back and forth in this parking lot. Hope is diminishing about as fast as my strength is. Pain is starting to build in my pectoral muscles. This beast is not no easy no thing to not push. It weighs like 500 lbs. Or something. So all hope is lost in my eyes. I'm in the parking lot by myself. I decide to lay down. I gaze up into the stars in the sky. I look around, and find Sagittarius the archer, and Ophiuchus. The snake keeper. And I search desperately to find the Andromeda galaxy, and notice that orion is starting to raise. It's starting to get late. So I go into the lobby of this complex, buy a cherry coke and lay down on the couch and drink my despairs away. All is lost. My girl hates me, my dog died, and NOW THIS?
It's now 1:30 and I'm stuck at this stupid place. And then this phrase pops in my head:
“persistence will help you go the distance.”
and I get enough courage and jump back on the motorcycle giving it all the muscle I can. I PUSH AND PUSH. I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN And throw it into 2nd..... NOTHING. Then I try ONE last time before I'm sleeping in the lobby. And it started. I was all excited and I'm drive down that familiar path down towards BYU. The wind is blowing my jacket in the wind. I feel like superman flying lewis lane up in the air. The air is freezing my face. I get a little bit farther and it dies. But then I realized that the choke was just out and I kept going. Dropping into the Provo valley, I take the curve, wind blowing in my hair, ears, eyes, and face. I let go of my motorcycle and as the Provo temple appears into my view, I scream at the top of my lungs to the empty roads, “OH YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT!!!” from the city of blinding lights. Arms in the air.... that's the closest to heaven that I've ever been.

Anyway persistence. So I'm starting to train to join, and I killed my legs this one day working out. They just kill. So me and my roommate go to Heritage Halls to go play with some losers OUR age, and it's valentine's day. So what do a bunch of single guys do? That's right, we played some strait up, hardcore, manball. If any of you are wondering what manball is, all you have to do is picture the manliest scruffiest man you know, and then breed it with a ball, and that's what you get. (nice visual I know)

SOOO. We play some killa' manball and we're walking back to our apartment. And I said quote: “I'm totally going to get a Charley horse tonight, I can feel it.” my calfs were killing, and were already starting to get tense.

We come to a point in the road where we decide we're going to J-walk. So what do you do when you J-Walk? RUN!
so we start to run and about my second step into my trot. My right leg cramps up. Like someone just STABBED a knife into it. And for those of you who have Charley horses, the first thing your body tries to do is point your toe, but you know that only makes it hurt WORSE. So my toe starts to point, but I quickly try to contract it with all my strength possible, but it wont contract. At this point, I'm ready to make the 'rebound' step with my left leg, so I try to catch myself with my left. BAM! Another knife in my leg. This immediately drops me to the ground. I'm collapsed in the road laying there. DEAD in the center. Trying to contract my legs, but they wont budge. They are frozen stiff and KILL like a motha. So my roomate who shant be named, is thinking I'm just being dumb like the movie, “the notebook” but soon realizes that I can't walk. He's yelling at me, trying to massage my calfs to make them loosen up, but that just makes it kill more, I try to stand up, but just fall over. And so I tell him to try to pull me across the street. At THIS point, a car is rounding the corner, and I'm in his lane. So I
have him pull me. And I like walk with my other hand. And kind of scooch my way to the other side. The car drives by, and assumes we are drunk or something. I don't even know WHAT I would think if I saw that site.
So all is calm now, except I still can't walk. So I have roommate step on my toes and just try and stretch them back, and about a minute later, I'm walking. It's ok, guys. I'm back to normal. So hold off on the bouquets of flowers, and the “get well soon” cards. But I did happen to get I photograph of the whole situation... so tell me what you guys think:
I really like how this picture brings out my biceps. And how the meet with my hands. And Ben is pulling me INTO the car... some friend HE is!

Well thru my travels this week I've made a few discoveries.



This is all the food I had left! Like LITERALLY I had a box of macaroni, a jar of peanut butter,some herbal pills, and some lactose pills. So for dinner that night, I decided to put the pills and macaroni in the peanut butter and make a PASTE out of it, and ate it with a spoon.

UVSC offers this course. I'll warn you now...

It was sitting on my desk in one of my classes.
so in this class there's about 80 kids in it. And everyday the teacher has us go up and down the row and we all have to say our name... EVERY DAY! So me and my neighbor that day, decided that we're going to switch our names. Now you have to understand that this professor Is a complete stereotypical nut case. So it gets to me and I say, “Thomas Blesuchi!” then kid next to me says, “JESSE BUDD!” and he's about to move on to the next kid when he STOPS! “wait a minute.” he said with a tremor in his voice, “YOU'RE Jesse Budd, and YOU'RE Thomas Blesuchi!” I got 10 days lunch detention.

Japanese sound funny. I was eating lunch with my dear friend colin, and out of the blue two japaneese girls come up to us and wonder if they can ask us a question. I thought it was a lame excuse to pick up on us... but it turned out they needed to survey people for their class. I'm pretty sure they knew like 20 words. And they kept laughing at everything I said... So I assumed there was something on my face... or possibly a “kick me” sign on my back... long story short, I gave them a book of Mormon!
(not true ;0)


I've only made one mistake in my life. I bought a pencil with an eraser on it.... what a waste of money.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Guys stay up till eleven to go to heaven. girls go to 7 because they're dumb. Hapy valentine's day

Well we're coming up on the great valentines day, just to remind all you losers without a gf/bf how lame you are. The most depressing holiday of the year. You know I went into the month of February thinking I was pretty cool. People liked me. But NO!! my hopes were DASHED with the appearance of St. Valentine's Day.

What I love about valentines day, is the support it gets with the elementary kids. Kids are GUNG HO for any holiday that involves more candy. These kids don't even know there's a difference between MALE, and FEMALE (except the girl has a dress on the bathroom sign.) But tac some candy on to it, and you've got yourself a holiday!!!

So I propose that we make a new holiday for JBUDD NEWS, in accordance with the mascot, “Steve.”

If you don't know what I'm talking to, in newsletter 4 I talk about how there should be just ONE mascot for ALL the holidays. And it should just be some guy named steve, that we can ALL relate to.

In creating this holiday, I had to search and ponder the true meaning of Steve. I wanted a holiday that EVERYONE can celebrate. Not JUST the JEWS... NOT just the CHRISTIANS. NOT JUST the lovers. But EVERYONE. And children from all around the globe will all know the true meaning behind it, not being MASKED by this vanity we call candy.

So the first step in celebrating this holiday, is KNOWING what to call it. So I nominate that the new holiday shall be called, “Goochmas!” and it will be celebrated on June 23. (my birthday)
The first thing one must do in celebrating “Goochmas” is to decorate of course! So to do so, you must either write the letter's “STEVE”, somewhere on your house. Or you can get a manican and put a sticker on it that says, “hello, my name is Steve.”
The spirit of Steve will go forth as kids from all over the lands have there parents BUY them a bag of candy. No more beating around the bush. We all know that if we had our kids WORK during the time they spent 'trick or treating' then they could BUY EONS more candy. This will also cut down the risk of going door to door, like our idiot brother holiday, “Halloween.” pshh. Some HOLIDAY! Kidnappings will decrease significantly. The old fashion razor blade in the caramel apple, will be exhausted. We all know it's totally old school anyway. BUT, I WILL allow carameled covered ONIONS from the parents. In a matter of fact, that will be a TRADITION!
All the kids in every home will wake up groggy on the morning of goochmas. Eyes half shut. They give the steve manican a little wave as they pass, and be SHOCKED in what they find under the traditional “goochmas tree” There will be PILES AND PILES of STEVE DOLLS. One for timmy, one for sue, and 3 for the jerk spoiled little brother that Steve always seems to like more. (But we all know that it's just mom and dad. ;) ) Then to their awe and dismay, they find the traditional carmeled onion in the “goochmas day stocking.” The kids look at it with delight in there eyes. Sparkling with tears that come from the acidic onions. Steve DID remember them! Steve IS real!

Then they BITE into the apple to the laughter of the parents as the kids find out that they aren't actually apples at all! No no no! They are onion covered RAZOR BLADES.

>>>>>ANYWAY #2

Kids don't understand what valentine's day is. I remember getting these cards from guys in my class that said, “be mine!” my first thought was, “a little demanding aren't we? Lets start off being friends FIRST, then we'll work from there, ok?” so one year I decided to save on production costs and produce my own cards! Instead of being suckered into the PREMADE cards that everyone else in the school already had. So after getting the hang of the system in kindergarten, I came prepared for first grade. I walked into class with my polarized sun glasses and my green 'cow' overalls. Ready to command and conquer all the women folk in the vicinity. with my homemade cards in hand I began to deal them out like a black jack dealer...

Well I just happened to keep one of the cards, so I scanned it in, Let's see what you guys think:

You know I was interested in knowing the origin of this crazy holiday, so I did a little bit of research to let 'jall know. This is strait from the New York Times. I just thought it was a cute story:

There was this hobo that used to walk up and down a street making suggestive comments to hot women as he passed. He used to say stuff such as:
you must be a rancher, because you've got some nice calf's!
Do you have a Library card, because I want to check you out!
Did you get a parking ticket! Because you are FINE!!!

So obviously this hobo received many slaps to his face, which turned his cheeks red and pink. Red on the left, and pink on the right. Which is where we get our color's for this holiday. Many hobo's started seeing his physical contact with the women folk, and started to join in. So this street became a street of love. A street full of hobo's trying to pick up on beautiful dames.
The street he walked up and down, was named, “valentines st.” which some people thought was, valentines street. But we all know that is was ACTUALLY “valentine's saint.” So we call it saint valentines day. And it's on February 14th because... it was... his birthday that day... yeah... that's it...

Well since it's the holiday of LOVE, I'm going to share with you some of my more recent wemen escapades.

As you should know from previous newsletters. I am the king at getting girls engaged. If I am ever with a girl, the very next guy they meet. They get engaged to. So I was currently up to 2 girls like this. Out of 2. So I thought it was ironic. Then I meet my 3rd girl.

Anyway, as of recent. I meet some prime meat in my ward. She just moved in at the semester. I see her at a dance, dance with her. We're a little more then a book of Mormon apart if you know what I mean. So during this week, I'm flirting with her, we're hanging out every night. And I'm teasing her because I know she wants to kiss me. So we're at the doorstep. I move in like I'm going in... and BAM, I open the door and push her inside. So the next night same situation. We're in position, I'm making fun of her, “I know you want it, what's your problem, you wuss just do it.” and she was like, “I don't care” so I say, ok. And open the door and push her in again. ANYWAY yada yada yada. 3 days later, I notice that she's not talking to me... Because apparently, she's engaged!!!! eff ya! GO ME!! I'M the official rebound guy!

So if any girl needs help getting married. Call me at 979-2578. My rates go as low as $30 a day. New york times called it, “Cheapest love since the 60's!”
Pick up your phone now, while supplies last!


So back to my Human Development class. We were learning about adoption. And some girl goes up in front of the class and tells us all about her experience of giving her child up for adoption. All the girls are going crazy asking all these questions, the 3 other guys and me are just sitting in the back falling asleep. You know, the usual.
So next class I sit next to this girl, I'm talking to her, we're having fun. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of class she grabs my paper I'm taking notes on, and writes the following. “if you get BORED tonight. Call me. 555-1212. heart Ashley.”
So of course I'm thinking the worst possible scenario. So long story short. I didn't call her. Call me a jerk if you must.

So back in the day's with girl number 2 to get engaged. So we go to classic skating. I'm Feeling good that I'm actually skating with a girl on the “snowball.” yelling at all the 6th grader's making fun of us. LIFE IS GOOD. SO I realize that the ball on my foot is REALLY hurting, from the rubbage of the skate. So what do I do? That's right, skate around for another hour. It's starts to hurt, so I go sit down on a bench next to this woman of african american decent, and take off my skate. I am pissed to find that my whole sock is SOAKED with BLOOD. Strait up BLOOD SOCK. That's what I had. The skate wore a whole through my SKIN. So the woman next to me sees it and starts up a conversation. She starts hitting on me. And eventually asks how old I am. I say “well madam, funny you should ask a strapping young man such as I. Me, and my huge bicepts are currently 18 years of age!” I say in my deep manly voice. And she busts up laughing.
“I'm here for my 6 year olds birthday party! ... I was going to ask if we could go out!”

fast forward a semester. I walk into human development for the first time. I don't recognize ANYONE. Except ONE person. Who happens to be that African American woman.

So what's with the single parents hitting on me? I'M 18 DANG IT!!! I've got a MISSION to go on!!!

>>>>>ANYWAY #3

Let's do a quick story of the week, because MAN, it's really not that cool! Understand?

****Story of the week****

Lost my wallet on the bus. I'm freaking out in the morning. After I missed my first class, I finally borrow some money to get on the bus. And it just so HAPPENS to be the same bus driver that I lost my wallet with. Long story short. I have my wallet back...

So that ends this portion. Now I'll open it up to some comments:

Dear Bandit:
It has now been 46 days 1 hour 3 minutes and 52 seconds since my last
episode of sleepwalking. If you are not familiar with this, or have somehow
forgotten, during my finals week, a week of arduous physical, emotional
and mental expenditures to the extreme, I began a nightly regimen of
strange sleepwalking. Some nights i would pace the floors, dig through my
desk drawers, mutter responses at roommates, toss blakies, body-slam the
door, or even sleep study! It scared my room-mates rather quickly, and I
was often torn from my sleep to help me stop these crazy behaviors.
Eventually , (three days later) finals ended, and I moved home to vacate
the place for another room-mate to fill my place in N208.

It feels great to be free from this infirmity an astounding 46 days 1 hour
and 11 minutes; however, I am still in recovery. Sometimes, as I am told, I
will yell "Ben" in my sleep, or I will find myself waking in places I never
intended to fall asleep or wake-up. (In my closet, on my couch, in my
basement, on the floor in the hall, etc.) This is a true story form an
honest man. Take it as a joke, (a true one), but funny.
I love you dear!
Colin H. Freeman (Biscuit)

Dear Biscuit
your success story is a complete UNDERSTATEMENT of what happened. Colin WAS insane. We have live footage, hard EVIDENCE of this event, It would be sweet to edit it and put it on google video. But I'de need his permission. Quick story:
So Colin's out of it. And me and my mysterious roommate try to talk to him. And he's starting to respond. And he's asleep. So tell we Gorden, and Gorden tells us a story of his uncle hypnotizing his sister in her sleep. SO we try it on Colin.
“hey colin, if you can hear me, lift your left leg”
leg lifts.
“good job. Ok Colin. When you go to leave for school this morning your going to go to the door, and get really thirsty, so you're going to open the door, and then turn around and get a drink of watter... If you heard me move your right leg”
leg moves.
“ok colin. You know that green shirt in your closet?”
leg moves
“you're going to wear that shirt tomorrow.”
leg moves.

SOOO. I'm eating my cheerios waiting for Colin to round the corner to see what shirt he's wearing. And behold... it IS the green shirt. So I start laughing. He starts asking, “WHAT?” all confused. So I'm like, “NOTHING!” so we go to leave out the door to school. All eyes in the apartment are on him to see what happens. He gets to the door and opens it and is outside. I think to myself. Dang it didn't work. ALL OF A SUDDEN he TURNS AROUND. All fast like. And he starts heading for the sink. I'm shaking my head and saying, NO WAY! And he drinks a nice big glass of water. And he's like, “what's your problem?”
and his side of the story is that he was really thirsty, and he was like, “I'll get a drink at school” then he stepped outside and all of sudden he thought, “NO! I'll get it NOW!”

Anyway, he was scary to sleep with. Me and my roommate who shant be named, were terrified, we would run out of the room in fear sometimes. He acted like the girl from the ring. We'd look over and he'd be sitting against the wall with a sheet over his head.

Once we found that we could get him to drum on his stomach and “jam out” with me. I'd drum something, and he'd copy and add a little. So we like played for like 5 minutes.
He tried drumming that fast when he was awake, and couldn't do it. Anyway...
Colin, you're a nut. NEXT!

your second grade mind came up with "a circular ball of possibility?!" what the crap did your parents feed you?!

well there WAS this one time, that I took a spoon out of the spoon drawer. walked right outside. and said to myself, "I'm going to eat this ground chocolate" and proceeded to eat mud. Maybe that's why...

Thursday, February 1, 2007

She's a 10 boys! EH HOOO!

Isn't it a beautiful sight? It's been a rough journey, but we all managed to make it here tonight... to the beast we call JBUDD NEWS 10th edition. The road was a long one. It was like unto a stone cut out of the mountain without hands. Rolling down some hill of possibility, approaching speeds near mach 3, picking up more momentum. Growing larger and LARGER until it finally filled the whole earth. Team JBUDD. You deserve a round of applause.

Round of applause always confused the H out of me. As a kid I wasn't much into the whole HOMOPHONE garbage that teachers Tried to feed me. (what were they thinking) So that sentence was interpreted into several ways In my 2nd grade mind. Either a circular applause. (which was popularized by the colt known as cub scouts.) or my personal favorite. A round of a plause. Because plause is the root word to plausible. Which is sorta like possible. So in reality. A round of applause meant to me. A circular ball of possibility. Which is.... JBUDD NEWS?

>>>>ANYWAY #1
ok ok, I'm done trying to turn that around. MUCH TOO HEAVY

I was thinking of a good way to celebrate the big one oh. (10) So I recalled back to my childhood to what I did on MY 10th birthday, and I realized that, THATS when my parents told me about the birds and the bee's...
So I was about to tell everyone out there about the mystery's of these “birds and bee's,” and why they have any relevance to “S.” But instead I'm going to randomly kick someone off my newsletter: you are hereby banished in honor of the tenth anniversary. Beautiful.

Speaking of crying. I sold my Motercycle. “Deathtrap” is what you liked to be called by. So this letter is going out to you little guy...

Story of the Week:
It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning clashing in my pounding ear
drums that seemed to foretell something to me. DANGER. Resounded
in my head. Lightning clashed as two dark figures were standing at the
rainy doorway. I woke up. But quickly fell back asleep. Within a flash of lightning the figures in the door were in and out of site. Gone with one of our precious possessions. When our apartment awoke there was a knife stabbed into the table with a ransom note.
“You may have noticed that you are missing one of your family members... yes, thats right, your FAVORITE family member! Muahahaha!”
“OH NO! THE COUCH IS GONE” said Gorden.
“those B-words! They'll pay for this... THEY'LL PAY before the stars fall from the sky... they'll pay!!!” I said as I rent my shirt, mostly for effect. But even MORE mostly to show off my ripped pectorals and biceps. Almost immediately after my shirt ripping, 3 mighty fine specimens of girl ran up to my muscles and proceeded to rub baby oil all over them. I continued to read...
“In order to get that which you covet the most back. You must do the following at ward prayer”
Basically, Rustin had to say he was engaged at ward prayer to some girl in our ward. Even though they weren't. (if you ask me, I think she just likes him. ;)
We were concerned for our dear friend. All alone out in that lonely world. Locked behind the Chastity line of apartment S210. Girls playing “house” with it. Doing those weird things girls do... Putting makeup on it. Having tickle fights in there underwear in front of him.
We began to formulate a plan. Pencil shavings were flying, the clock was ticking ward prayer was coming up. We still needed to solidify our plan. Blueprints of the apartment were being drawn and redrawn. Repelling gear was being tested, and re-tested. Finally after tedious work we came up with the plan.
We went to ward prayer. I sat by one of the perpetrators. Flirted with the 26 year olds all around me. All was normal. The time came. Rustin announced he was engaged, to the laughter of everyone. Our whole apartment was there. S210 was locked. We went back to our apartment and waited with anticipation. And 2 minutes later to our delight came running in 5 distressed girl. CLINGING to my arm.
“The couch sir... the COUCH!!!”
“JUST SAY IT WOMAN WHAT IS IT!” as I slapped her.
“The couch... is STOLEN!” as she fainted to the floor.
I picked her back up and acted EXACTLY how I'd act if my couch had been stolen.
“what did you do with our couch!” “this isn't funny!” “I'm telling the manager!” “grow up!” “I can't believe you guys... It's all fun and games until someone loses a couch!”
They bought it....
They STILL bought it...
Lets back up.
Our apartments here at Campus Plaza, are completely Security proof. There is no breech of security seemingly possible... except ONE place...
Every apartment has a hole in the floor and ceiling leading to the apartments above and below it, located in the water heater closet. We contacted the people on third and 1st floor. They crawled thru. Grabbed the couch, and put it in our appartment. We had to take off the hinges of our door to put it in our room. Mission complete.
Meanwhile... We had our replacement couch that consisted of two chairs with a blanket over it. And yes, a girl tried to sit in between the two, and fell through.

They bought it. They felt SO bad. And why didn't they suspect us you ask? Well they did! But our acting was on that night. Maybe it was the dew in the air. But we were as convincing as a... thimble. Let this boil for a day.
In the meantime is when we wrote the song attached to this email, called “Corner Couch” Me and my mysterious roommate. Later that night the next day we were recording the video for the song. (which will soon be on google video, heads up) and we got the word from one of the girl, “what bugs me the most is that we got beat at our own game!” mission complete.

Well download the song. And I'll get that movie up as soon as asap.

Ok, I've got a few mini stories to share with you. JBUDD NEWS is evolving with the growth and expansion of its enterprises. As Bob Frankenburg once wrote:
Change- you can fight it and deny it, and die. You can go along with it and survive. OR you can CAUSE IT, and THRIVE.
And that's what I'm doing. CAUSING change.
So here are my new technological discoveries for this week:

****DISCOVERY #1****
JBUDD News recently made a trip hiking up Y mountain. On our way back, we thought it mandatory to take our shirts off to prove our manlyness.
And as most of you can tell... It worked. ;)
I now have 3 hairs on my chest!

(Thought you lady fans might like that.)

****DISCOVERY #2****

If JBUDD NEWS is copy and pasted and turned in as an Essay for English 1010. You will STILL get an A on the paper.
I assign each of you to use
JBUDD NEWS in at least
ONE of your papers.

****DISCOVERY #3****
When Hiking Y mountain with your shirt off, you will lose hearing in your left ear. And if hearing happens to be your favorite sense, you will be driven to try every suggestion on how to fix your deafness. Which will result in your room mate shoving a flaming piece of paper in your ear trying to “melt” the earwax and have it sucked out. (ps. Didn't work. Still deaf) (actual Photo Below.)

****DISCOVERY #4****
If you're trying to ride the bus to the Provo Health Center. You will MISS the bus 850, and end up having to walk around outside for an hour and a half in 10 degree whether. Upon doing so, you will find that JVC is now repairing cars! This drawing is an almost EXACT REPLICA
Of the Original Building I saw. I was a BIT confused when I saw it. Lets see
If YOU guys notice anything special about it.

****DISCOVERY #6****
While paying your T-Mobile bill thru there automatic voice recording phone call thing. Avoid saying the words, “PAY ALL!!!” because by doing so you will not only pay for the month you're TRYING to pay for, but for the next months also. Which will result in you overdrawing your checking account! ;) good ol' T-Mobile. The best part is them not telling you how much you're actually paying before you confirm it. I actually called up T-Mobile and talked to John. Thats right fella's. THE JOHN. From T-Mobile. Ya the one who works in the call center? Never heard of him? Either had I.. I said to him, “john, I suggest that you guys change your recording to include how much you're paying before you confirm it. How does that deal sound?” you know what he said? No? Well he said this; “I can't do anything.” Disappointing I know. I bet you were EXPECTING something cool... but I say cool things on MY terms... not YOURS.

****DISCOVER #5****

So I start the game. I can't get ANY Property... All I have is a train station and St. Charles. I Keep getting sent to Jail and I'm pissed. FINALLY I land on 2 other properties that just happened to be spots that OTHER people needed. So making clever bargains I end up with All the train stations. Two of the Purple spots. (go Riverton) and one of the RED spots. Just so happens that my brother needs the red I have, and I need the purple HE has. So we trade. And I instantly put 4 houses on the properties. Game over right there.... all the circled ones have hotels. basically what I'm saying is... I'm cool so give me some money.

Dear Jesse,

A couple of weeks ago i emailed you a picture of the gravesite of my
fish, Neil. I feel that it is now appropriate that I write a follow up
email, since new things have been revealed about the identity of my
cold blooded friends. First, I will include a little background
information. Two christmases ago I had a party at my house, and the
main event was a white elephant exchange. The rule was that you
couldn't spend over two dollars on a gift. So, for my white elephant,
I purchased 2 little fish. i even paid a whole dollar for them instead
of just like 20 cents, because they were the dewormed ones, not just
the feeder fish. They were high quality goldfish, or so i thought.
Well, our dear friend Matt Bury is the one that ended up winning the
coveted prize of the goldfish. He brought them up to school
in the frigid north (Logan), and then in june he left on his mission
and I was asked to babybsit neil and gill for 2 years until he
returned home. well... i got this email from matt bury today.

"So... Word is that Gill is really struggling now that Niel is gone.
By the latest reports he will likely join Niel any day now in the
oceans of Goldfish heaven. I have something to say to Loni. So... you
said you were getting some Neil and Gill number 2's. I don't really
know how to put this, but... they will actually be number 3's. The
original Niel and Gill died a few weeks after I got them and I was too
scared to tell you so I bought Niel and Gill number 2's and covered it
all up. I'm so sorry. But it's time I let you know. Please forgive

My heart is broken. This is just like on Gilmore Girls when Rori and
Marty hide that they knew each other from Marty's new girlfriend Lucy!
I feel deceived.

Loni Jo Pilcher

great stuff. The IRONY, the TENSION. It will make a great story.
Here's the original picture.

Hmm... Ok, one last comment. I'll let this one in... THIS TIME

I just felt the need to share this song because it was silly to me, but first I have to give some background information. The radio stations in St. George...they aren't so good. You have two country stations which aren't so bad, a very bad version of a FM 100 or Kozy, and then there are three stations which all sound a lot like 97.1 ZHT. Other than that, you're choices are pretty much crap. And since my Little Mermaid Cavelier does not have a cd player, I usually scan the radio trying to find something decent to listen too. There are days without even knowing it that I end up on the religious stations (there is this awesome song called 'Me and Jesus' by Stellar Kart that I've grown fond of). Anyway, back to the point of my story. Living in St. George is quite the adventure, for most people there is a huge culture shock. One thing I've noticed since I've lived down here is that just about everyone, i admit that sometimes includes me, likes to make fun of our neighbors in Colorado City, trust me when I say polygamist are always around. Everytime you go to Wal-Mart it's a guarantee that there will be a hold herd of them.
So there was one morning that I was on my way to school and seeing how it was the morning all that was on the radio were morning shows, so I stopped to listen to one of the shows and this man was talking about how he moved here about two years ago and how it was quite a change. Then he continued onto his story about how he made up a little game called, Count the Polygamist. Whenever he goes to Wal-Mart he counts to see how many are there. So he had his friend, who is in a band, write a song about his little game. I thought the song was pretty funny and wanted to pass it on. Click on the following link and listen to the 'Pligs at the Wal-Mart' song. Have a great day! I love you all!

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Well chums. It's a great day to be alive. Technology has been advancing far beyond what anyone could ever have imagined. With the study of quantum physics, it is now conceivable that one day we may be able to invent teleportation. We may be able to live on the moon. Gmail, will eventually reach it's 3 gig mark, to the delight of the entire World as we watch it on tv's across our apparent universe. Like the Apollo 12 of old, landing on the moon for the first time, to the astonishment to the whole world. But what's even more anticipated is the ever awaited, the ever longed for JBUDD NEWS.... 9TH EDITION!!! (Cue the 80's Butt rock music)

As most of you know, a large chunk of my life I grew up as being Amish. Technology wasn't apart of my life. Heck, my family never OWNED a VCR until I was in the 6th grade! 6th GRADE!!! I remember that day we bought it. It was family night... It was the night, that my childhood fantasies would be fulfilled. I was filled with HOPE, VISION, Eccentricity! Wait till I tell all my friends at school!
Turned out that everyone else already had one... they threw rocks at me... I retaliated... I got sent to the principles office... 10 recesses of detention... I cried.
That's one thing that STILL bothers me to this day. I can't count how many times I would get in trouble for RETALIATING. What's the big deal? Am I supposed to just sit there and let these guys beat me up and then say, “oh what a golly round! How bout' you come over for some tea later on at my house, yes?” well I tried it... They threw rocks at me... I retaliated... 20 recesses detention.
You may laugh at how big of a deal we made out of buying this VCR. But you have to realize, my WHOLE life, I've grown up without it.
Which confused the H out of me when got a VHS tape for Christmas entitled, “Counting Numbers!” when I was five. ... EVERY Child's dream movie. Who needs Disney? “Who needs the brave little toaster! I've got COUNTING NUMBERS! I don't need to see those movies to fit in at school! I'll just COUNT to all my friends and they'll be KNEELING down at my Counting numbers tape... and my light up 'Lighting shoes...'” Remember those shoes? Ya you know which ones... I used to call them SESURE SHOES... because one day my mom finally gave in, and let me have some so I can be cool at school (apparently my friends weren't too fond of my counting numbers.) long story short, my grandma is in a coma now. God bless her.

>>>>>ANYWAY #1

I'm glad you could all make it out to this weeks JBUDD NEWS. This week I'm going to talk about the RECENT technologies that I have discovered throughout this week. We'll see if I get to any stories. This week I've got one of this BEST stories as of yet. But I CAN'T TELL YOU GUYS... It's NO NO FAIR. Most of you know anyway... and it's funny.

**Discovery #1:**
The quickest and best way to end ANY texting conversation. I've found this to be useful this past week. My roommate and I (who shan't be named) were talking about how to respond to a text. “I'm so glad, that you're friends with him (me) now, because if you weren't, I would have never met you...” So we were thinking... “uh... alright” what do you say to that! “ok” “...sure” and that's when it hit us... SURE! So my roommate sent the “sure” text. In the comic relief to everyone in the room. (me and him. Or rather him and me. For you English nerds.)

Side note:
ok, I just asked Ben, “how do you spell relief” because I was trying to spell it, “releaf” and he said, “Advil.” funny.

So in conclusion. I've been using “sure” religiously now. I mostly try to use it in ways that it doesn't even make any grammatic sense. “so what are you doing later tonight!” uh... “SURE!” So I challenge all of you to use “SHURE” at least TWICE in this next work week. Sound good?

when signing up for a class entitled, “Human development” Expect this class to be rated X! For scar-ing me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure WHY I signed up for it. Apparently you're only supposed to take it if you're going to be a doctor or a nurse. I don't PLAN on being a doctor, and I'm a man. So that eliminates both of those. So Basically I signed up for a sex ed class for no reason. Let me paint the picture...

There Is exactly 5 males to every 35 Females in this class of mine. I always thought this to be a curious thing until one day. This day I happened to try a new route to class. A “shortcut” and to my surprise, it ended up making me 10 minutes late. Hmm... So as I walk into the room, I am shocked and horrified . On the projector screen is a video about live child birth happening. Being utterly (ha) disgusted. I sat down. With my hand trembling, I pulled out my note pad and pencil. And I attached a picture of the notes I took. All I wrote down was three words, “child birth anyone?” and drew two guys throwing up on each side of it.

When riding on the bus 830. Try to find a seat next to two Chinese people conversing. And two Spanish people conversing, and just listen for best comedic results.

When calling someone with an almost dead battery, don't try to attempt to say the sentence, “I was just calling to see if you're still keeping the law of chastity” because fate will REQUIRE your battery to die right after you say that. To the comedic result to the 40 year old man sitting next to you. I was bitter towards that man... he threw rocks at me... 30 recesses of detention.

When mopping the floor at your work. Try to refrain from having sliding contests. This will most likely result with a man going thru a wall. (forgot to take a picture.)

Quin and Kip are leaving on their missions Wednesday. Quin and Phil have requested for me to send them JBUDD NEWS through the mail. But I'm not sure if I can translate it into Spanish, and Virginian. But I'll try. ;)

Octopus doesn't taste too good.


A set of scriptures CAN weigh more then an average new born.
To explain a little more. I went to Kips ward after his farewell. And I went to this class and this lady had the biggest, most USED scriptures I have ever seen. These things can be seen from space. In every page is stuffed clippings, articles, and pamphlets that have to do with the scriptures on the page. They are 7 years old.

a bottle of Crystal water CANNOT be opened by Dallas Osbourne's butt cheeks.

Me and RYAN SHUPE would make a good couple ;)

>>>>ANYWAY #2
Well that concludes my discoveries. My inventions for this week. I hope you enjoyed. Now I'm here to conclude a story from last newsletter. I'm sure most of you are still calling me 'Ambassador JBUDD' and I'll give you the verdict on this.

So I turned in my big packet. My Resume of mystery and wonders to the Student Government officials at UVSC. A few minutes later I receive a phone call, telling me I have an interview with The Vice President of Clubs, to see if I could be the one. The CHOSEN CHILD that could lead UVSC to greater new heights. So the day came (last Tuesday) I'm as calm as an ox. I'm waiting in the waiting room. One by one, my fellow attempters are being picked off. Walking out of the conference room trembling. A moment of time passes me. “JESSE BUDD!” I hear my name off afar. IT is my turn. My pivotal point of my life lies in this interview. I walk into a room that resembled the flight deck on Star Treck. With a conference table the size of my first VCR. Which WHO KNOWS how many people there. I would guess 8 but I don't remember too much about it.
The interviewing commences. Questions are flying, tears are being shed. And I'm as calm as a dandelion in a patch of grass. My main goal was to make them laugh, and cry. And I did both. When asked, “what fruit would you be and why?” I responded without missing a beat. “that's easy. I would be a banana. Because they are tall, like I am. And they are curved, which represents that they don't think like the rest of the world. They are DIFFERENT. They don't just go straight. And also they are YELLOW. Which yellow is the first color you see, which means that I would stand out.”
Long story short. I didn't get the position. And you know what I thought? MEH!

I didn't try out to get the position. I tried out to TRY. Abraham Lincoln failed at being a businessman, a politician and Thirteen attempts at being elected to political office before finally becoming the president of the united states. And most scholars today call him the best president ever. Mucho numero uno! By trying, I upheld a promise I kept to myself. “I will NOT let ANY opportunities pass me by.” I actually carry a paper in my pocket. And every time I pass an opportunity by I have to leave a mark on the paper. Even though I didn't get ambassador JBUDD. I'm even gladder that I didn't have to leave a mark on that paper.

But if you want to continue calling me AMBASSADOR! Your are more then welcome!

Well folks. JBUDD NEWS has almost trippled in its production from the first little newsletters to now. So that means to all you stock holders out there, you will be getting a 10% raise!!! (makes sense) It's a good day to be alive. I just added our 140th member yesterday. so to celebrate I made the whole thing in a .pdf format attached to the email. so enjoy that. I'm also attaching a picture of our freinds to the north, USU, making a swiming pool full of spaghetti! Because I think that's rad. And it follows many of the principles that JBUDD NEWS likes to teach. GO COWS!!! and I'm going to re-attach my desktop picture. For some reason it doesn't want to appear. so right click of the file thethreecs.jpg and save as. and download it. Jorien made it, and it's hot.

ALSO for the 10th edition I want to do something special. SO email me your favorite JBUDD Moment. thanks. JBUDD OUT!!

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


Sunday, January 14, 2007

The 8 cow wife. Steve Young's jersey number.

Well we’re all starting to get back to the swing of life… During Christmas break we had the opportunity to “jump out” of our swings. With a nice temporary rush of flying to the air, coming to a climatic crash with the ground. But now it’s time to jump back on. Start pumping again and work our way back up to our repetitive lives. Some of you might not be quite there. Some of you might still be immature and are swinging on your stomachs. Which seemed like a good idea at first, but you soon realize that all your blood has rushed to your head, and you’re starting to feel sick.

Remember those good ol’ elementary recess days? Swings… monkey bars… SLIDES!
You know I think that these were all failed attempts at our parents trying to kill their kids. “why don’t you climb up that really tall ladder up there, and go down that metal surface with temperatures near liquid magma, and lets see if you can break the land speed record.” Because that’s what we were all trying to do in our childish minds. We weren’t there to ‘have fun’ we were there to break some world records. Remember that first time down the slide? “you want me to do what!.... WHY!!!.... yeah you’ll catch me…right! Why should I trust you! Oh you got candy? Ok!” kids live on candy. When you’re a kid nutrition is buskins. All that other food was grown up food. But KIDS… THEY ATE CANDY. Candy was OUR food. It was our medicine. “I’m feeling a tummy ach coming on.” “I recommend 1 pack of smarties!” Smarties I’m pretty sure in every kids life was one point used as medicine.
As a kid your status in the classroom all depended on how you performed out on the field. Remember that kid that could do the back flip out of that swing? Yeah, he was cool. He could be the dorkiest kid in class. But if he pulled off that back flip. He became the new idol. He was like Anubis mated with Venus, and that’s the god that came out. The back flip god. We actually built alters to that god. Out of our soft padded gravel ground.

I want to meet the guy who invented the idea of gravel. I want to have him take a look at all the scars in my hands and knees and make him pay for all my lost childhood. Since when was using rocks to break your fall the best solution. And who decided to give us authority to have USE of these rocks. These weapons of mass destruction. I think there has been more scrapes and injuries caused by gravel then any other medium on the planet. Kids throwing it at eachother. Little Timmy is eating it in the corner. The new challenger to the land speed record on the slide makes one wrong calculation and goes flying into this buckshot called gravel….
Remember having to pick the rocks out from beneath your skin? Remember that kid who DIDN’T cry when he got hurt? Yeah he was like Ra and Aphrodite mated. A bird woman. The goddess bird of… not crying. Yeah that kid was cool. But not as cool as back flip kid. I never became backflip kid. I still envy backflip kid. Backflip kid is STILL one step higher then me.

>>>>ANYWAY #1

I’m glad you could all make it out to JBUDD news today. I think Today I’m going to share with you a bunch of ‘mini-stories.’ And their SHOULD be a bunch of pictures attached to this one. So make sure you give them a look see.


So as most of you DON’T know. I was sitting at my apartment minding my own business and some girl came in and was trying to hold my hand and stuff. So Ben tells Quin about this weird escapade. Quin Just HAPPENED to get a new phone that very day… Hmm… So what does Quin’s small little mind formulate? Well of course. He’s going to pretend that He’s stalker girl.
So he texts me, “hey buddy how’s it going?” “who is this?” “we shared a special night last night, I can’t believe you don’t remember me” yada “this is GirlX” yada “I’m in Riverton” “Oh good, that means we can break honor code all we want!” at that point I’m getting creaped out. Yada. “ok, I just pulled off the Riverton exit where do you live!”
AAAAAH! Yeah, I’m freaking out. I was in a panic, I called Ben. I’m asking girls what I should do. Some Weirdo stalker person is coming for me, and she wants action. And I DON’T! About an hour passes, and finally Quin reveals it was him.

Ok, so after I hit him. We tell a few people of the funny story. One which happens to be Kelsey.

side note:
Kelsey is hereby banned from JBUDD NEWS for “back biting” about it. for “trashing” on it. Sorry toots, but I don’t need you. One less isn’t going to affect me AT ALL! SO HIT THE ROAD! ;)

So unknown number starts texting me. “guess who this is?” “let me guess GirlX?” “oh you’re good!” “yeah shut up quin.” “who’s quin?” yada, yada yada. She did a decent job of being convincing, and acting offended at the stuff I was saying because I assumed it was quin.
Then later that night I get a text, “so you never knew what phone this was.” “I don’t know how I got pulled into this whole GirlX thing lol.” Yada “I can see your house from mine” yada “we met at the assembly” yada me:”oh, Rachel’s friend?” “YA you got it!” “I just couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since I met you!” …. “QUIN?” yada
Turns out it’s Kelsey. Haha good fun. And we talked for awhile and she said the following line: “what are you going to do if this happens for real?”

So I’m driving to my cabin to go snow shoe-ing. And I get a text, “guess who this is?” “let me guess GIRLX!” “no” “duh Quin your dumb” “what’s a Quin?” yada “I’ll give you a hint, we shared a special night together”
OH, what an original line! If they are trying to be convincing they need to start getting some new lines. So at this point I decide just to blow it out of proportion, it’s either Kelsay or Quin. So I’m just going to start some smack talking.
“oh, one of those?” “geez, how many of those have you had?” “oh, about one every night.” “ I’m pissed yada!” “yeah whatever Quin” “I’m not Quin!” “then when was our escapade?” “it was like late augest?” “Murray?” “good job! Got a name?” then I recall an account with some Murray girl, it really wasn’t anything big. And Kelsey’s bro, Austen was there. So I figure he’s feeding her the info. And I REFUSE to get tricked again. “ok what’s your last name? if you’re actually her…” “name y” I’m a little scared because it’s the right last name. but I forgot which first named lined up with which girls last name. So I tell her this, “is it Marta, Kelsey?” “it’s not Kelsay, it’s CHELSAY!” yada yada, it was the REAL DEAL this time. And she got all pissed. It was funny. Ironic.

So I was walking down the hall, and I noticed someone familiar. Turns out she was a guest appearance on silverscreen. Ironic. Kind of lame… but IRONIC.

So I’m selling Colin’s English book. I post the following on a bulletin board: “ English 1010 book for sell 555-2578” and so last Friday during class I get a text from some dude trying to buy the book from me. So throughout the day I’m kind of texting him about when we’re going to meet, and such. Because I don’t have the book on me, It’s at my apartment which takes a half hour to get there on bus 830. So I tell him, “I’ll have the book here at 2:30” so make a note that I jump on but 830 at about 1:23 and get back at 2:45. and because I’m late he needs to go to work, so he drives to the bus stop in his car to come pick the book up from me. Some weirdo that I’ve never met. Some man I’m supposed to TRUST that he’s not going to shoot me, rape me, and steel my book. I’m a bit terrified at this point. The car drives up and I hear a familiar voice. “jesse?” I look in the car, “trevor?” Turns out I was TEXTING a kid about selling a book who sits right next to me in my 12:00 class! I was texting him while he was right next to me!!! IRONIC.

Ok, so lets go back to this bus 830 drive down there. On the way to go pick up this book, I’m sitting there just looking hot and stuff. I notice this girl in a white jacket is STARING at me. So in a traditional JBUDD way, I STARE right back, until she breaks the eye contact. So we’re riding. And another girl says to me, “do you know any McBrides?” DANG that name sounds familiar! I personally think this was just a lame pick up line she’s trying to pull on me, but I reply, “no” “because you look sexy and I wouldn’t MIND being your McBride!” INSANE HUH!!! Well that actually didn’t happen. But I sertainly hope to see McDonalds to eventually do wedding services at a discount price. “I’ll order one McBride… TO GO!”
You know working at a sandwich shop I’ve noticed something about the “TO GO!” “TO GO” is NEVER a kind word. “TO GO” is a DEMAND!!! “TO GO” is never soft spoken, it has to be yelled. “TO GO” communicates on so many different levels, it means, “I don’t feel that you are competent enough for you to ASK me if I want to stay or to go, and I feel that if I say ‘TO GO’ as loud as I can, by the laws of nature you will be REQUIRED to make my sandwich faster then milk goes through my digestive system.”


So the girl sais to me, she says. “because you look exactly like my friend.” So I say to her obviously, “oh, so he’s hot?” and she laughs, “He just asked the same question!” holding up her phone signifying that she was texting him…. Now this whole time the girl in the white sweater is eyeing me down….

So eventually I look on to “face book” for those of you who don’t know what facebook is, it’s basically Myspace without the porn. But there’s a comment there.
Now for those of you who don’t use myspace or facebook. There’s an unwritten measure of coolness on these sites. Much like the kid who can do a back flip in the swing. But instead It’s about how many “friends” you have. So one day when I was bored I just added a bunch of random people. Thinking that I might try to talk with them and maybe meet them. But I got to lazy and never cared too.
So it turns out the girl in the white Jacket was one of those girls that I randomly added. And she recognized me but was too scared to say anything… IRONIC.

So the new semester starts and as usual there’s a bunch of new people in our college ward. And I notice that these two cute girls are looking at me. So me and Ben go meet them. Yada. This Friday there was a BYU dance, and they happened to be there. YADA me and this one girl were hitting it off and we are going to go sledding after the dance. So we’re changing to get into our winter cloths. And I realized something… I DON’T HAVE ANY!!! So I’m looking for stuff I can wear, I left all my real clothes at my hometown. But I manage to find my old track warm-ups that say, “Riverton high” on the back of them. So we go over to there house and she says, “… oh no” now this girl is from California. Just to remind you. “don’t tell me you’re from Riverton…(sort of laughing)” well folks, as most of you know, I in fact AM from Riverton. And I’d like to take this time to remind you of the control I have over all of you. I just left you hanging, and you have to read through all this garbage to find out the end. So send me five dollars in the mail ;)
So She sais, “don’t tell me you’re from Riverton.” Turns out. She dated, uh hem. TREVOR SMITH. For those of you who don’t know. He was my predecessor as SBO. I replaced him. And we were pretty tight. Like father like son I guess… but hopefully that’s not true for all things. ;) … IRONIC!!!

****Short story (really)****

Well I know some of you wait for JBUDD news for weeks. And it’s a long time in-between. So I’m going to give you plenty of material to think, and ponder upon. So here’s a quick short story.

There is a dark room. It is motionless except an arm reaching for the light switch. A click is heard as the room is flooded with light traveling at the speed of light. There is a kid standing there wearing nothing but the cloths on his back, a wide brimmed fedora hat, a suit jacket, and a guitar. Me and Ben were bored. So we decied to serenade people to the song. “growin old with you” by adam sandler. After getting bored with doing it to the people in my ward. I decided to take it up a notch and walk into random apartments of people I had no idea who they were. I walked into there house. Without saying a single word. The first noise heard from me is the strum of my guitar, as I stair deeply into a girl’s eye and sing to my hearts content. Then they begin to feel all awkward. I give them a slight grin. They try to talk to me. I won’t pay attention. I finish the song. And without a word I’m gone. GONE like the nights wind. The unmasked romantic hero with no name. when asked what my name is I turn quickly and say to them in a deep dangerous resonate tone…, “danger has no name” It made me smile. NOT IRONIC!!!

****The Future of I****

Well I just wanted you to all know that I’ve got an interview schedualated to become an Ambassador at UVSC. I’m going up against 6 other weenies. I sent in my amazing resume, and let’s all just assume that I got it. So for this next day you can all think I’m cool for a change. So from here on out, I want you to all be calling me, “ambassador JBUDD” (please don’t call me that) I just wanted you all to think I’m actually doing something before I get rejected. But we’ll see… ;)

Well that ends it for today. I hope you can all keep your pants on until I write my next one. And I don’t want anyone to let Kelsey Whitaker read this. K? … K

My fish died, jesse. Rest in peace, neil. You were a good fish.
-Loni Pilcher USU

you know, I had a goldfish that I loved. His name was “Dork Fish” this fish was the only fish I’ve seen swim upside down. Luckily goldfish have only a 3 second memory, or else he would be extremely depressed. He swims up to every single other fish in the tank and says to them, “will you be my frend??!!” and they just look at him and say, “It’s DorkFish guys, lets get out of here.” I’m serious. He swims around the fish tank towards other fish all day, and all day they just run from him. I like him…. He reminds me of a younger me. Rest in peace dork fish. And you too neil. I’m sure Dorkfish and Niel would have been lovers. By the way attached is a picture of his grave site. Thanks Loni for your state of the art camera work.
May we all learn a lesson from Loni, Loni had entered my into her phone. So she can text me anytime she wants. I want the rest of you to do that. K? …K


Hey J Budd,
I just recently made this cool music video and i would be honored if you would so kindly tell everyone about it in you fantastic newsletter (which I love by the way). I want to see how popular it can become. Keep up the good work and I will await your upcoming newsletter.

Brad C.
"The Claw"
Tell them that they need to rate it and leave a comment also.


Well there it is folks. But I would like to reward my special viewers that are still reading this part with a special treat. I love you guys. I just uploaded 3 new videos. So now This whole, “clubfilm” thing is more then just a name.

You know whats gay about those first two? (except the movie) Those pieces of crap are like growing faster then any of my other movies have been. SO lets try and make these things popular. For those of you who don’t know. If you leave a comment and a rating, google ranks it higher. If you search “coldplay clocks” I’m currently the second video there. If you search, “Imac G5” I’m on the first page. Coo’ huh? Enjoy. Enjoy at my pride’s expense.


Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


I just found out I had an 8 cow wife… yeah I sold her last week! -ME

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Lucky Number 7! 2007! we got 7's up the BUTT! Exclamation point!

AHHH the great New Years is over, the beast has been slain yet one more time, but this time, it’s out for the count. KO to the beast. This is the last holiday, of what we like to call, “the holiday’s” I think that’s a really original name for such a sequence of holidays. “why don’t we name these holidays, ‘THE holidays!’” that man was unfortunately rewarded the Nobel prize in 1919.

But what I love about new years, is that people somewhere along the line decided that Christmas decorations are also legitimate for new years decorations. And I think this is just there pride coming through. “I set these things up, and I’m going to show them off for as long is socially acceptable.” They’re going to ‘suck them dry’ ‘get there money’s worth’ I really think the point of new Years isn’t to start a new year. Oh NO NO NO!!! the point of New year’s is to evict the Christmas season. Because you know if new years wasn’t there, people would be having their Christmas lights all the way into Independence Day. And by then they’d say, “eh, what the heck, it’s almost Christmas anyway.” Without New Years the world would be a devastating place to live. Light pollution would be SO bad, that kids will grow up thinking that darkness is only a Legend. Gathering around the campfire telling ghost stories about this unknown thing.

New Years was a blast for me. I went to the fireside in the conference center. It was basically like being spoon fed with material that was hip thrustic to my soul. It convinced me to stop making fun of that dork loser kid named Quin in every newsletter. ;)

>>>>ANYWAY #1

So I might hit you guys with a few stories. But I really wanna keep this short so I’ll see how it goes…

***New Years with JBUDD***

Well for any of you phonies who actually know me, you’ll know that I’m one who likes to party hop, ‘make an appearance’ at lots of parties. (by the way, if you want JBUDD NEWS to make an appearance at YOUR next party, just send an email to JBUDD news makes great for parties, always providing intertainment and laughter. Costs as low as $20 dollars. So Get reservations while they still last. ;)
So after I found myself at a high school party, I said to myself. “self, I got to get out of here!!!” but I realized that The count down was happening, so I stayed for that and left immediately afterwards. And on my way back to a party with peeps my OWN age, I was driving down 12600s and driving past the Baptist church. Now this church is the funniest church I’ve ever seen. If churches were people, this one would be Seinfeld himself. They always prove to have something on there sign that always gives me a chuckle or two ‘god answers knee mail’. So as I was driving past I braced myself for laughter as I began to read. And the sign read, “New Year’s Eve party, 7pm – 12AM” after I regained my breath from laughing, I pulled a U-turn and went straight to that church and decided I was going to party with some Baptists. Long story short I’m getting baptized next Friday. ;)

Oh, by the way, not really.

BUT this reminded me of a story of back when I was in… 8th grade we’ll say.

So me and my peeps. (lance) we’re walking home from the great Oh queer hills mental school. (oquirrh hills middle) and then on the corner of the street there’s this strange LARGE woman standing there. This woman is DEFINITELY no ordinary woman. She seemed as though she was trying to sell drugs or some cheep watches. She’s got a trench coat, shifty eyes looking around all uncomfortably. And we approach her with much caution, because LAST time I walked in on a drug deal, these gangsters chased me on there bikes for like 5 min. (long story) So I’m approaching WITH CAUTION. I’m taking the procedures one takes when approaching a stranger. So I’m in my karate stance ready to fight her and she comes and approaches us. I’m READY for some SHIZ! She pulls something out of her pocket. I’m scared. SUSPENSE IS BUILT, but all comes crashing down at the realization that it was just a FLYER.

Ok, now this is an important part. The flyer reads the following: “Pizza and dancing party. Riverton community center room 666. 7:00”

Now my childish mind had a thought process similar to this, “I like pizza. I like dancing. And 7 is my favorite number. It’s like 8, which is Steve Young’s jersey number, but it’s like one LESS then that! (true story) I’M GOING!!!!
So it’s an hour or so before the dance. And I’m pumped. We got our group of friends together, and we decided we were going to DRESS UP! I’m wearing some trench coat with a cool fedora hat. Aaron has this pimp shirt on with this HUGE top hat. I don’t even WANT to remember what anyone else was wearing.
So in a middle school fashion, we walk to the community center.

Now I haven’t been in that place since they remodeled it BUT, I’ll let you know my experience. We walk into the front door. The lights are dim and there is no warm bodies appearing to be present in our vicinity. We walk up this creepy dark stair case. I looked up and actually EXPECTED to see a noose hanging there. Once we’re up stairs we read some sign on a door that said, “don’t come through here floor may collapse” comfort was NOT the feeling I had at this moment. We start checking rooms. All EMPTY with a small glow of moonlight coming through those forbidden windows. We check the cafeteria NOTHING.
I decided that we should start checking the unknown part of this ancient school. So I walk past the Jail cell door. (not even lying) which opened up into a whole new section of halls. Off afar I hear some Faint music. I’m excited. So like a kid in a candy store I run towards this music, every step was one step closer to the pizza I would be consuming. I’m counting the number of slices I’m going to eat. “8, no wait I should have SEVEN because It’s ALMOST 8 but not quite you know? But I don’t want to be greedy, because there’s going to be some lady fan’s there… yada” So I get to the door and to my shock and horror it’s not a dance at all, but it’s a Jazzercise class. Hope was lost. Agony filled the air. We were never going to find the exit of this place we were doomed for eternity in a world of empty rooms and Jazzercise.

We had checked every door… BUT ONE. Because this door said no joke, “DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR!” I don’t know about you, but when something says, “DON’T OPEN THIS DOOR!!! SON OF A BI!” I generally DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! So we decided wtf. Lets check that room anyway. So We’re going to look into this room. Our LAST hope for any civilization. And we open the door as our Jaws slowly drop. This is no ROOM, this is a whole new HALLWAY. There’s a whole school that I have never known to exist, on the other side of that door. Long story short we find room 666.

O.K. I’d like you to remember the flyer now. We walk into this room late, so we expect there to be some people there. But NO. there is no other kids our age. There is no pizza, and there DEFINITELY is no music or dancing.
Some people greet us. We immediately say with a twitch in our eyes from our long journey. “where’s the pizza! Where’s the Music! Where’s the PEOPLE!!!” they say to us, they’ll all be here in a minute but while we’re waiting we’ve got a message to share with you. So we sit down, like 3 more people show up. So there is like 7 people in this room, and like 4 adults. The lights dim and some guy steps out and talks.

IT’S a PENTECOSTAL CHURCH PSYCO TRYING TO CONVERT US THING! And they start preaching to us. And the whole time we’re just like laughing. And the guy asks us a question, “have any of you seen a dead body!!” of course Aaron had to say “oh, heck yes, we went down to the lake once and there was this guy floating in it, and he was all bloated and stuff. It was SO rad. We pulled him out of the water, and tried to pop him with a STICK!” We told them so many lies. And they BELIEVED THEM!! And after he was done preaching to us, these 3 people walk out.
“OH! Hey STEVE!” Lances neighbor. Awkward…. So they proceed to play to the seven of us there Christian rock music. And we just sat there and listened. In our costumes. Looking at the other group of people in there skanked out dresses, ready to party. After a grueling hour they finally finish. And then I recognized a familiar smell…. PIZZA. And there end of the deal was kept, they provided the goods. And then it was all worth it.

We talked with them, told them more lies, they made us fill out these cards with out phone numbers on it. So we just lied some more. I think I put my name as ‘refrigerator’ or something. And my phone number, 1800-spank-me.

The end.


beautiful fort jesse! but lets not delay, i've got a doozy of a story here:

So i'm going out wednesday night with some good old friends from back in the high school years. tyler roberts, will garner, reed anderson, preston ford, bryan sorensen... i could go on for days. we decide we're going to convoy on down to Provo and have dinner with some friends that are going to BYU and still taking finals... what a nice visit, right?? HAHA so we drive on down there, pick up some peeps, and drive out to TGI Friday's. now, said food factory is located next door to the Hilton right off of University Parkway, which further down is also located to this, i assume government owned Utah Job Office or something or other. missing the turn to TGI's i swing into this workplace FORTRESS, and suspecting the parking lots connect i swing around the north side of the building. to what do my wonderous eyes to appear?! a spike strip. yes, a spike strip. i hit the spike strip, blowing two tires on the passenger side of my vehicle. oh my, says i, what an idiotic thing to do. i call my dad and inform him of my little mishap, trying to come up with a plausible excuse to explain how on earth i managed to hit a spike strip. how i only blew two tires still boggles me to this day, as those bloody contraptions are designed to take out all four. pure skill i tell you. meanwhile, my buddies are replacing the two tires with the spare in the trunk of mine, and one from a friend that was nearby that i had contacted and asked for a bit of assistance (take note, i later found out that the REAR tire that these hooligans put on had the lug nuts on backwards. BACKWARDS! last time i let them change a freaking tire!). the tire we scrapped from the 2nd vehicle didn't fit, and i ended up having to call a tow truck to take the car to a nearby Discount Tire Co, where we left it there overnight. Its okay, spikes strips are an apparent road hazard (no way! really?! jeez.) and were covered under the warranty. i ended up having to only pay $29 for two new tires! crazy eh?! so this whole grand adventure cost me a total of $79, including the two. darn those spike strips...

the fun doesn't stop there, no. you have to remember that this is the night before the Las Vegas Bowl, where BYU would be playing Oregon. we had tickets, of course. my dad was FURIOUS when he learned we had to obscure our schedule, push back the alotted time from 7:30am, to 9:00am to allow my mom enough time to find a way to get to PROVO and retrieve the repaired vehicle. my uncle and cousins show up and we hop in the "Mormon Bus," our '96 GMC suburban. we were on the road. GLORIOUS, our past behind us we were on the way to Vegas baby! our joy was short lived, however. 3 hours later, 30 miles out of Cedar City the suburban dies. quits. right there on the freeway. we pull over, and man i swear we must be paying tithing or something, a cop pulls up behind us within 10 seconds of opening the hood. he calls the chevy dealer in Cedar and orders a tow truck on the spot! it was fantastic! 45min later, the suburban on the back of a big wrecker and the 5 of us crammed into the cab. me, being the thinner of the group was volunteered to sit in the middle, in the front seat. Its a manual, so i was pretty much straddling the gear shift for the 20min drive into cedar. THAT was an experience, let me tell you. We're feeling good, despite our suffering, when the driver told us we could rent a car right there at the dealership and drive to vegas! pretty freaking lucky! we wouldn't lose that much time! we pull into the dealership, walk into the office grinning and laughing knowing we 5 hours until kick off and the trip would only take us 3. the look on the receptionist's face, however, was grave. we were informed that there were NO rental cars available in the entire boundary of Cedar City. i'm thinking "CRAP!" after 2 hours of calling around, we discovered the only vehicle available for rent was a 2 seater cargo van. looking at each other, being we were already 2 hours behind schedule due to my blasted spike stripping incident (shaking fist motion), we figured we had to get this show on the road and proceeded over to the rental dealer to sign the paper work. i know what you're thinking ;) but it didn't quite come to that. the last possible phone call we could have made was to the municipal airport there in town, and they had ONE minivan available for overnight rental. MAN we lucked out, kind of. seeing as how we had 3 hours til kickoff. cutting it close. we're on the road and i'm happy to say we had no further car troubles, we made it to Vegas, navigated the monstrosity called traffic and made it to the stadium just as two F-15 Strike Eagles made a fly-by and hit the afterburners just as we were walking underneath their flight path. (kinda cool experience, your rib-cage rattled so hard you could almost feel your organs being shaken to mush. the roar of the twin-turbine engines of the two planes set off hundreds of car alarms that all chirped and sang well after the aircraft had left.) we arrived at our seats, on Row 6, Section 3, south endzone JUST as kickoff commenced. we had made it, and i do say. being right next to the field in that particular endzone made it all worth while. 3/5 scores were within 20 ft. from where i was standing. BYU then proceeded to give Oregon an "Old Fashioned Butt Kicking" and hammered those poor, puke colored helmet stricken Ducks 38-8 in the biggest attendance at any sporting event ever recorded in the state of Nevada. Most memorable Vegas Bowl trip, ever.

Kyle "fweepa" McClellan, signing out

P.S: in other news, I made it through the Quarter-Finals in my fantasy football league, beating the No. 3 seed 124-123 to move into the semi round. :D


and you thought I write a lot! Well this story shows many principles that I like to preach. But the biggest one I’d say is, persistence. Persistence will help you go the distance kyle, and you proved that a little more literally then we all thought. Another one is RISK! He took a risk with those spikes, and they proved to hurt him. But that’s how life is, every once in awhile you make a bad decision, but you need to get back up and keep fighting. And if you keep on making those risks, you’ll find that you’re NOT hitting into spikes more then you are. You may be driving on the wrong side of the road, but hey, whatever works right? In Britain the actually LIKE to drive on the wrong side. Good story.

You are so funny Jesse!! Mabybe I'll actually start reading JBUDD news now! :-)
-Kelsay “ditz face” Whitaker
Thanks, preesh’
Got to throw in one of those once in awhile to remind you guys that I actually AM funny.
Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
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