Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Guys stay up till eleven to go to heaven. girls go to 7 because they're dumb. Hapy valentine's day

Well we're coming up on the great valentines day, just to remind all you losers without a gf/bf how lame you are. The most depressing holiday of the year. You know I went into the month of February thinking I was pretty cool. People liked me. But NO!! my hopes were DASHED with the appearance of St. Valentine's Day.

What I love about valentines day, is the support it gets with the elementary kids. Kids are GUNG HO for any holiday that involves more candy. These kids don't even know there's a difference between MALE, and FEMALE (except the girl has a dress on the bathroom sign.) But tac some candy on to it, and you've got yourself a holiday!!!

So I propose that we make a new holiday for JBUDD NEWS, in accordance with the mascot, “Steve.”

If you don't know what I'm talking to, in newsletter 4 I talk about how there should be just ONE mascot for ALL the holidays. And it should just be some guy named steve, that we can ALL relate to.

In creating this holiday, I had to search and ponder the true meaning of Steve. I wanted a holiday that EVERYONE can celebrate. Not JUST the JEWS... NOT just the CHRISTIANS. NOT JUST the lovers. But EVERYONE. And children from all around the globe will all know the true meaning behind it, not being MASKED by this vanity we call candy.

So the first step in celebrating this holiday, is KNOWING what to call it. So I nominate that the new holiday shall be called, “Goochmas!” and it will be celebrated on June 23. (my birthday)
The first thing one must do in celebrating “Goochmas” is to decorate of course! So to do so, you must either write the letter's “STEVE”, somewhere on your house. Or you can get a manican and put a sticker on it that says, “hello, my name is Steve.”
The spirit of Steve will go forth as kids from all over the lands have there parents BUY them a bag of candy. No more beating around the bush. We all know that if we had our kids WORK during the time they spent 'trick or treating' then they could BUY EONS more candy. This will also cut down the risk of going door to door, like our idiot brother holiday, “Halloween.” pshh. Some HOLIDAY! Kidnappings will decrease significantly. The old fashion razor blade in the caramel apple, will be exhausted. We all know it's totally old school anyway. BUT, I WILL allow carameled covered ONIONS from the parents. In a matter of fact, that will be a TRADITION!
All the kids in every home will wake up groggy on the morning of goochmas. Eyes half shut. They give the steve manican a little wave as they pass, and be SHOCKED in what they find under the traditional “goochmas tree” There will be PILES AND PILES of STEVE DOLLS. One for timmy, one for sue, and 3 for the jerk spoiled little brother that Steve always seems to like more. (But we all know that it's just mom and dad. ;) ) Then to their awe and dismay, they find the traditional carmeled onion in the “goochmas day stocking.” The kids look at it with delight in there eyes. Sparkling with tears that come from the acidic onions. Steve DID remember them! Steve IS real!

Then they BITE into the apple to the laughter of the parents as the kids find out that they aren't actually apples at all! No no no! They are onion covered RAZOR BLADES.

>>>>>ANYWAY #2

Kids don't understand what valentine's day is. I remember getting these cards from guys in my class that said, “be mine!” my first thought was, “a little demanding aren't we? Lets start off being friends FIRST, then we'll work from there, ok?” so one year I decided to save on production costs and produce my own cards! Instead of being suckered into the PREMADE cards that everyone else in the school already had. So after getting the hang of the system in kindergarten, I came prepared for first grade. I walked into class with my polarized sun glasses and my green 'cow' overalls. Ready to command and conquer all the women folk in the vicinity. with my homemade cards in hand I began to deal them out like a black jack dealer...

Well I just happened to keep one of the cards, so I scanned it in, Let's see what you guys think:

You know I was interested in knowing the origin of this crazy holiday, so I did a little bit of research to let 'jall know. This is strait from the New York Times. I just thought it was a cute story:

There was this hobo that used to walk up and down a street making suggestive comments to hot women as he passed. He used to say stuff such as:
you must be a rancher, because you've got some nice calf's!
Do you have a Library card, because I want to check you out!
Did you get a parking ticket! Because you are FINE!!!

So obviously this hobo received many slaps to his face, which turned his cheeks red and pink. Red on the left, and pink on the right. Which is where we get our color's for this holiday. Many hobo's started seeing his physical contact with the women folk, and started to join in. So this street became a street of love. A street full of hobo's trying to pick up on beautiful dames.
The street he walked up and down, was named, “valentines st.” which some people thought was, valentines street. But we all know that is was ACTUALLY “valentine's saint.” So we call it saint valentines day. And it's on February 14th because... it was... his birthday that day... yeah... that's it...

Well since it's the holiday of LOVE, I'm going to share with you some of my more recent wemen escapades.

As you should know from previous newsletters. I am the king at getting girls engaged. If I am ever with a girl, the very next guy they meet. They get engaged to. So I was currently up to 2 girls like this. Out of 2. So I thought it was ironic. Then I meet my 3rd girl.

Anyway, as of recent. I meet some prime meat in my ward. She just moved in at the semester. I see her at a dance, dance with her. We're a little more then a book of Mormon apart if you know what I mean. So during this week, I'm flirting with her, we're hanging out every night. And I'm teasing her because I know she wants to kiss me. So we're at the doorstep. I move in like I'm going in... and BAM, I open the door and push her inside. So the next night same situation. We're in position, I'm making fun of her, “I know you want it, what's your problem, you wuss just do it.” and she was like, “I don't care” so I say, ok. And open the door and push her in again. ANYWAY yada yada yada. 3 days later, I notice that she's not talking to me... Because apparently, she's engaged!!!! eff ya! GO ME!! I'M the official rebound guy!

So if any girl needs help getting married. Call me at 979-2578. My rates go as low as $30 a day. New york times called it, “Cheapest love since the 60's!”
Pick up your phone now, while supplies last!


So back to my Human Development class. We were learning about adoption. And some girl goes up in front of the class and tells us all about her experience of giving her child up for adoption. All the girls are going crazy asking all these questions, the 3 other guys and me are just sitting in the back falling asleep. You know, the usual.
So next class I sit next to this girl, I'm talking to her, we're having fun. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of class she grabs my paper I'm taking notes on, and writes the following. “if you get BORED tonight. Call me. 555-1212. heart Ashley.”
So of course I'm thinking the worst possible scenario. So long story short. I didn't call her. Call me a jerk if you must.

So back in the day's with girl number 2 to get engaged. So we go to classic skating. I'm Feeling good that I'm actually skating with a girl on the “snowball.” yelling at all the 6th grader's making fun of us. LIFE IS GOOD. SO I realize that the ball on my foot is REALLY hurting, from the rubbage of the skate. So what do I do? That's right, skate around for another hour. It's starts to hurt, so I go sit down on a bench next to this woman of african american decent, and take off my skate. I am pissed to find that my whole sock is SOAKED with BLOOD. Strait up BLOOD SOCK. That's what I had. The skate wore a whole through my SKIN. So the woman next to me sees it and starts up a conversation. She starts hitting on me. And eventually asks how old I am. I say “well madam, funny you should ask a strapping young man such as I. Me, and my huge bicepts are currently 18 years of age!” I say in my deep manly voice. And she busts up laughing.
“I'm here for my 6 year olds birthday party! ... I was going to ask if we could go out!”

fast forward a semester. I walk into human development for the first time. I don't recognize ANYONE. Except ONE person. Who happens to be that African American woman.

So what's with the single parents hitting on me? I'M 18 DANG IT!!! I've got a MISSION to go on!!!

>>>>>ANYWAY #3

Let's do a quick story of the week, because MAN, it's really not that cool! Understand?

****Story of the week****

Lost my wallet on the bus. I'm freaking out in the morning. After I missed my first class, I finally borrow some money to get on the bus. And it just so HAPPENS to be the same bus driver that I lost my wallet with. Long story short. I have my wallet back...

So that ends this portion. Now I'll open it up to some comments:

Dear Bandit:
It has now been 46 days 1 hour 3 minutes and 52 seconds since my last
episode of sleepwalking. If you are not familiar with this, or have somehow
forgotten, during my finals week, a week of arduous physical, emotional
and mental expenditures to the extreme, I began a nightly regimen of
strange sleepwalking. Some nights i would pace the floors, dig through my
desk drawers, mutter responses at roommates, toss blakies, body-slam the
door, or even sleep study! It scared my room-mates rather quickly, and I
was often torn from my sleep to help me stop these crazy behaviors.
Eventually , (three days later) finals ended, and I moved home to vacate
the place for another room-mate to fill my place in N208.

It feels great to be free from this infirmity an astounding 46 days 1 hour
and 11 minutes; however, I am still in recovery. Sometimes, as I am told, I
will yell "Ben" in my sleep, or I will find myself waking in places I never
intended to fall asleep or wake-up. (In my closet, on my couch, in my
basement, on the floor in the hall, etc.) This is a true story form an
honest man. Take it as a joke, (a true one), but funny.
I love you dear!
Colin H. Freeman (Biscuit)

Dear Biscuit
your success story is a complete UNDERSTATEMENT of what happened. Colin WAS insane. We have live footage, hard EVIDENCE of this event, It would be sweet to edit it and put it on google video. But I'de need his permission. Quick story:
So Colin's out of it. And me and my mysterious roommate try to talk to him. And he's starting to respond. And he's asleep. So tell we Gorden, and Gorden tells us a story of his uncle hypnotizing his sister in her sleep. SO we try it on Colin.
“hey colin, if you can hear me, lift your left leg”
leg lifts.
“good job. Ok Colin. When you go to leave for school this morning your going to go to the door, and get really thirsty, so you're going to open the door, and then turn around and get a drink of watter... If you heard me move your right leg”
leg moves.
“ok colin. You know that green shirt in your closet?”
leg moves
“you're going to wear that shirt tomorrow.”
leg moves.

SOOO. I'm eating my cheerios waiting for Colin to round the corner to see what shirt he's wearing. And behold... it IS the green shirt. So I start laughing. He starts asking, “WHAT?” all confused. So I'm like, “NOTHING!” so we go to leave out the door to school. All eyes in the apartment are on him to see what happens. He gets to the door and opens it and is outside. I think to myself. Dang it didn't work. ALL OF A SUDDEN he TURNS AROUND. All fast like. And he starts heading for the sink. I'm shaking my head and saying, NO WAY! And he drinks a nice big glass of water. And he's like, “what's your problem?”
and his side of the story is that he was really thirsty, and he was like, “I'll get a drink at school” then he stepped outside and all of sudden he thought, “NO! I'll get it NOW!”

Anyway, he was scary to sleep with. Me and my roommate who shant be named, were terrified, we would run out of the room in fear sometimes. He acted like the girl from the ring. We'd look over and he'd be sitting against the wall with a sheet over his head.

Once we found that we could get him to drum on his stomach and “jam out” with me. I'd drum something, and he'd copy and add a little. So we like played for like 5 minutes.
He tried drumming that fast when he was awake, and couldn't do it. Anyway...
Colin, you're a nut. NEXT!

your second grade mind came up with "a circular ball of possibility?!" what the crap did your parents feed you?!

well there WAS this one time, that I took a spoon out of the spoon drawer. walked right outside. and said to myself, "I'm going to eat this ground chocolate" and proceeded to eat mud. Maybe that's why...
Blog contents © JBUDD NEWS 2009. Blogger Template by Nymphont. Blogger Templates created by Deluxe Templates Css template by Arcsin