Saturday, February 24, 2007

The 12 Tribes of JBUDD

What a gorgeous day today was it not? Well to answer that question... NO, no it WASN'T! I was pissed.
Before I went to college, I prided myself on being able to wake up. As all of you know, during most of my high school life, I slept on the floor. I decided that the bed was too RESTRICTIVE. I mean, a bed is ultimately telling you where you CAN and CANT sleep. I think whoever invented the bed was just a failed attempt to try and take over the world. Like a pinky and the brain episode, in which not only did they fail to take over the world, but they failed to even come up with a logical way to do it!

Have you noticed in every show they have the smart witty guy, who develops all the ingeniously plotted out plan, and then they're hanging around some idiot, just to make sure they never succeed. If they're so smart, why don't they get some new friends? “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball. But I'm going to have to let you go.” then Mr. Skrewball will start to cry. “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball, I didn't mean it.” “why do we got to fight like this Mr. Smart?” “I don't know, I just get carried away sometimes... Lets never fight again.” then they embrace each other and they're gazes align, and the whole world seems to stop, and then one of them moves in...

>>>>>ANYWAY #1
The bed just TELLS you where to sleep. Back in the day before beds were made, it use to be, “I'm tired... oh look! Tree! I will go settle down near it. Become it's friend. And maybe if I'm lucky I will have rest there...”
I think the original plot was to get these foolish humans to depend so much on their bed-ical devices, and then they were going to activate the “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, and then those foolish humans wouldn't know what to do. But LUCKILY James bond stopped Mr. Skrewball and Mr. Smart before they could do it! They almost killed him, but luckily they told him they're whole plan, and he miraculously escaped the jail cell with his watch that just HAPPENED to have a “jail-cell-getter-out-of-er” on it! And he KILLS Mr. Skrewball and Smart by thrusting them into their VERY OWN “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, in which they both comBUST into flames. At which point bond turns and looks at the camera and says his famous punch line, “You're FIRED!” then he winks at the camera, and flies away into the sunset!

Scroll credits

>>>>>ANYWAY #2
So I'm laying on the floor, the clock strikes 6:00 the air is filled with tyranny and caos! The world as I know it is collapsing around me. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
THAT'S when I realize that It's morning and my alarm clock is going off.

What I want to know, is who invented that awful sound on the alarm? I'm a firm believer that the alarm clock sound is the worst possible sound that any object can possibly make! I want to know WHO figured out what that was? I figure it was a failed attempt to take over the world, by slowly making us go insane every morning by that awful sound. But luckily james bond saved us again... too.

Anway. I keep my alarm clock on the other side of the room, so I HAVE to get up. So I wake up, and I guess I'm a little EXTRA drowsy that morning. But I had to draw upon all my strength to crawl over the alarm. And for some reason I kept cauging, “GOLLUM! GOLLUM!” I was thinking MAN this is weird. But I turn my alarm off, and I guess this was a cue for my body to collapse. STOP
at this point I think to myself. I weigh about 170 pounds. My head is now accelerating at 8.92 meters/Second SQUARED. Or was it 8.29? PLAY

by this time, my head came in FULL contact with my desk. And I lay there... NAKED.

>>>>>ANWAY X 3 #1
man I don't even know where I was going with this. Well I get dressed, I'm thinking to myself, it was warm yesterday, I'm going to wear shorts. I put shorts on. I A-walk over to the door. Open it. And cried myself all the way to school.

OK I'm glad everyone could make it out to JBUDD NEWS 12th edition. It's really hard to think of something that rhymes with twelve. I kept thinking of words like, “mwelve! ... SHWELVE!!” by that point my roommate yelled at me.. “shut up! ... that's my moms name...”

OOOOH GEEZ!!! welcome. This is what I have to live with.... myself... (imagine that!) Luckily I like myself. Or else I would have evicted myself long ago. OK? ok. Here we go. Hold on to your breeches partner, because we're in for a story.


So I'm trying to join the UVSC track team, as all of you know. I know what you're thinking, “but Jesse, hasn't track already started?” well yes... AND no... but mostly yes. But as one of the laws of Jesse states:
Persistence will help you go the distance. Which I need to tell you another story now:

So do you remember back in the day when I was hard, and drove a motorcycle? Well I do. Well the story goes like thus. My motorcycle was acting up and I couldn't start it electrically, SO that meant I had to push start it. So I push start it and I drive it over to 'parkway crossing' where my girl currently resided. I get there, just fine. We hang out, and it's like 12, and I leave. I start to run along side the motorcycle and throw it into second. IT WONT START. For about a half hour I run back and forth in this parking lot. Hope is diminishing about as fast as my strength is. Pain is starting to build in my pectoral muscles. This beast is not no easy no thing to not push. It weighs like 500 lbs. Or something. So all hope is lost in my eyes. I'm in the parking lot by myself. I decide to lay down. I gaze up into the stars in the sky. I look around, and find Sagittarius the archer, and Ophiuchus. The snake keeper. And I search desperately to find the Andromeda galaxy, and notice that orion is starting to raise. It's starting to get late. So I go into the lobby of this complex, buy a cherry coke and lay down on the couch and drink my despairs away. All is lost. My girl hates me, my dog died, and NOW THIS?
It's now 1:30 and I'm stuck at this stupid place. And then this phrase pops in my head:
“persistence will help you go the distance.”
and I get enough courage and jump back on the motorcycle giving it all the muscle I can. I PUSH AND PUSH. I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN And throw it into 2nd..... NOTHING. Then I try ONE last time before I'm sleeping in the lobby. And it started. I was all excited and I'm drive down that familiar path down towards BYU. The wind is blowing my jacket in the wind. I feel like superman flying lewis lane up in the air. The air is freezing my face. I get a little bit farther and it dies. But then I realized that the choke was just out and I kept going. Dropping into the Provo valley, I take the curve, wind blowing in my hair, ears, eyes, and face. I let go of my motorcycle and as the Provo temple appears into my view, I scream at the top of my lungs to the empty roads, “OH YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT!!!” from the city of blinding lights. Arms in the air.... that's the closest to heaven that I've ever been.

Anyway persistence. So I'm starting to train to join, and I killed my legs this one day working out. They just kill. So me and my roommate go to Heritage Halls to go play with some losers OUR age, and it's valentine's day. So what do a bunch of single guys do? That's right, we played some strait up, hardcore, manball. If any of you are wondering what manball is, all you have to do is picture the manliest scruffiest man you know, and then breed it with a ball, and that's what you get. (nice visual I know)

SOOO. We play some killa' manball and we're walking back to our apartment. And I said quote: “I'm totally going to get a Charley horse tonight, I can feel it.” my calfs were killing, and were already starting to get tense.

We come to a point in the road where we decide we're going to J-walk. So what do you do when you J-Walk? RUN!
so we start to run and about my second step into my trot. My right leg cramps up. Like someone just STABBED a knife into it. And for those of you who have Charley horses, the first thing your body tries to do is point your toe, but you know that only makes it hurt WORSE. So my toe starts to point, but I quickly try to contract it with all my strength possible, but it wont contract. At this point, I'm ready to make the 'rebound' step with my left leg, so I try to catch myself with my left. BAM! Another knife in my leg. This immediately drops me to the ground. I'm collapsed in the road laying there. DEAD in the center. Trying to contract my legs, but they wont budge. They are frozen stiff and KILL like a motha. So my roomate who shant be named, is thinking I'm just being dumb like the movie, “the notebook” but soon realizes that I can't walk. He's yelling at me, trying to massage my calfs to make them loosen up, but that just makes it kill more, I try to stand up, but just fall over. And so I tell him to try to pull me across the street. At THIS point, a car is rounding the corner, and I'm in his lane. So I
have him pull me. And I like walk with my other hand. And kind of scooch my way to the other side. The car drives by, and assumes we are drunk or something. I don't even know WHAT I would think if I saw that site.
So all is calm now, except I still can't walk. So I have roommate step on my toes and just try and stretch them back, and about a minute later, I'm walking. It's ok, guys. I'm back to normal. So hold off on the bouquets of flowers, and the “get well soon” cards. But I did happen to get I photograph of the whole situation... so tell me what you guys think:
I really like how this picture brings out my biceps. And how the meet with my hands. And Ben is pulling me INTO the car... some friend HE is!

Well thru my travels this week I've made a few discoveries.



This is all the food I had left! Like LITERALLY I had a box of macaroni, a jar of peanut butter,some herbal pills, and some lactose pills. So for dinner that night, I decided to put the pills and macaroni in the peanut butter and make a PASTE out of it, and ate it with a spoon.

UVSC offers this course. I'll warn you now...

It was sitting on my desk in one of my classes.
so in this class there's about 80 kids in it. And everyday the teacher has us go up and down the row and we all have to say our name... EVERY DAY! So me and my neighbor that day, decided that we're going to switch our names. Now you have to understand that this professor Is a complete stereotypical nut case. So it gets to me and I say, “Thomas Blesuchi!” then kid next to me says, “JESSE BUDD!” and he's about to move on to the next kid when he STOPS! “wait a minute.” he said with a tremor in his voice, “YOU'RE Jesse Budd, and YOU'RE Thomas Blesuchi!” I got 10 days lunch detention.

Japanese sound funny. I was eating lunch with my dear friend colin, and out of the blue two japaneese girls come up to us and wonder if they can ask us a question. I thought it was a lame excuse to pick up on us... but it turned out they needed to survey people for their class. I'm pretty sure they knew like 20 words. And they kept laughing at everything I said... So I assumed there was something on my face... or possibly a “kick me” sign on my back... long story short, I gave them a book of Mormon!
(not true ;0)


I've only made one mistake in my life. I bought a pencil with an eraser on it.... what a waste of money.
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