Wednesday, December 14, 2011

As promised...

10 points to whoever can tell me what lines came directly from JBUDD NEWS.

I'm not going to write much so you can spend the time you NORMALLY waste on READING, and convert it to watching.

Turns out making a sitcom is A LOT of work.  So you BETTER appreciate it!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How to Deliver a "Good Kiss"

Finals week.
Whether I passed the exam or not, the teacher's gotta admit that I'm pretty dang good at filling in those bubbles. After 14 years of school I definitely got that part down.

I wonder if the bubble-filling-in skill will ever be applicable in the real world. I think the actors in "The Ring" must've been ecstatic when reading the script. "You mean I get to..." "Yes... use your God given talents...." Maybe they had them fill out a scantron for the audition. "nice... very nice circles you got there."


Involved. When did we start using the word involved to mean dating?
"are you two... you know... Involved?"
Involved in what? A heist? when I think involved, I think along the lines of:

"There was a burglary on 4th avenue, 3 gunman were involved?"
"never get involved in a land war in Asia"
"Chanel, you best get out of town. I'm involved in something serious..."

then there's:
"Are you two... involved?"
"I didn't do it I swear! We just started out friends, a little small talk... Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it... we were... INVOLVED!"

I've never've been "Involved." I figured it was something I wanna try out. So I went cloths shopping. If you want the ladies, then you gotta look nice.

One thing I noticed is: Cloths look a lot cooler on the mannequins. Mannequins are always brawny and posed in interesting positions.
"Oh THAT'S what I'd look like in those cloths if I was buff and falling over!"

It would be nice to have mannequins that fit my demographic a little better.

"Can I see that on a taller, skinnier, and whiter mannequin? ok, now can you have him hunched over a computer typing a newsletter?"

On the flip side, the girl mannequins look like the brawny men's barbie girlfriends. So I got thinkin, maybe I should just take a picture with one of the Mannequins, make her a facebook page, and pretend she's my girl friend.

"Why don't we ever see Darla?"
"Oh she kinda gets stuck at work. She has a rigorous schedule"
"Where does she work?"
"She's just a cloths model."
"You're dating a model?"
"Yeah, people think I like her just because she's on display all the time, but It's something more..."
"Let me guess. Her personality..."
"Oh yes, She is very thick skinned and understands that some things are better left unsaid."

Word will soon spread that you're dating a mannequin, and all of your girl friends will be jealous and will want some of the action that new mannequin girl friend is getting.

The kiss. That's what they'll want. Frued failed at answering the question, "What do women want," but the answer is quite simple: The kiss is what they miss. Women want this kiss. It's on the list.

Look at the disney princesses. They want the kiss. Magical things tend to happen when the kiss happens. For mermaids, they can talk after the kiss. For others they wake up from their sleepy death. The kiss was always the greatest moment in these movies, and is why the sequels are always strait to VHS. The kiss already happened.
"How can you make an interesting post kiss story?" -girls thoughts.

If you're a guy, girls will always drill you with the seemingly innocent question: "what's your favorite disney princess!!!! lol" before you impulsively and foolishly shout out the answer: Ariel. Remember what I taught you: This is a test. Girls are analyzing the smallest micro movements on your face when you answer. Girls are 10 times more receptive to body language, so by the time you're going thru this in your head, you're already skrewed. So take this as a lesson for next time.

Girls are looking for the correct answer. Ariel is NOT the correct answer. The correct answer is Belle. (That's the one that married that Bad "A" beast character...) Just say Belle. Don't ask why. If you're morally apposed to saying Belle, I've come up with another way out of it. Simply tell her your least favorite princess, which is the forgotten princess. That's right, I'm talking about the princess and the pea princess.

Who in the right mind wants to be with someone who can feel a pea underneath a mattress? That prince dude was either drunk, or had Jafar hypnotizing him to believe a freakishly sensitive girl is desirable. Imagine trying to sleep at night.
"If you can't control those dang vibrations from your heart, then it's the couch again for you!"

Since the kiss is so important to the girl, I did a little research on what makes a good kiss. What I came up with is: Trumpet players, and the guys who can unwrap a starburst in their mouth. Have you heard that before? Have you ever unwrapped a starburst in your mouth? There's a lot more TEETH then lip action going on there, and the elongated facial expressions that come with it looks nothing like Prince Phillip's kiss...

Girls wont say it, but they aren't really looking for a "good kiss," they're merely looking for a "not bad" kiss. That's all a good kiss is, A bad kiss - minus the bad.  If you watch the tapes (Disney of course) You'll see that the kiss is merely putting two lips together and going, "mwuh" It's when you stray too far from that when you get into the "BAD kiss zone."

You may ask, "but JBUDD, do you have any tapes I can watch of bad kissing so I know what NOT to do?" well Billy, tapes are really out of date, but I do have a Youtube video. Enjoy, and Good Night.


Ps. You guys should be excited. I'm releasing a new movie in 2 days. It's a sitcom. Just get ready for it. I'll post it here.

I Just realized I've been doing this for 5 years...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

What to do next time you're on fire

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.
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I just got done with EFY. One thing that caught my attention is those little braille signs everywhere. Every class room, elevator and emergency exit has some braille written under it. I'm sure you've seen them. I'm sure some congressman 20 years ago thought it was a brilliant way of helping the blind, but lets be honest: How many times have you ever seen a blind person just hugging the walls and FEELING around? "I KNOW THERE'S SOME BRAILLE SOMEWHERE! You can't hide forever!"

Next time I see a two blind guys, I might be tempted to pull the fire alarm.

In the dorms I was staying in, it had the escape plan written inside each room with a little map. I can understand the map if you've got some secret passages in the building, but most of us know where the front door is. I was looking at it, and basically it had a red arrow directing me outside. I was thinking, "OH, so if there's a fire, I want to go OUTside! OH OK! My original plan was to run TOWARDS the fire!"

If there's fire in your hall, my first response isn't going to be. "Hmm... I wonder if there's any good literature posted on the wall..." It's gonna be, "AAAAHHH! fire fire fire fire!" I might be jumping through my glass window, or maybe doing some stop drop and rolls. I'm not going to be looking for the fire escape plan!

Stop drop and roll. Isn't that a convenient little rhyme. I'm convinced that it's not coincidence, because that's not how we practiced it. In our extensive elementary training on the subject, it was more: "lay down and roll!" I would, however, enjoy seeing someone who actually was on fire running around then suddenly stop like they hit a brick wall, going completely limp like they're dead, and then start rolling around. Actually, now that I mention it, just seeing someone on fire would be pretty funny. ESPECIALLY if they were running around frantically. you know what I would tell him? "STOP DROP AND ROLL! JUST STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

That phrase was pounded into our heads while going thru our school systems. When we were in Kindergarten they taught the system like so:
"Mr. Biggles (who just happens to be an imbecile (and a bunny rabbit)) was playing with matches. He lit himself on fire. What should he do?"
Kids hands shoot up in the air.
"not play with matches!"
"Very good Billy, but he's alREADY on fire. So it's a little too late for that isn't it?"
(Billy cowers in the corner.)
"Timmy? you got the answer?"
"Is it... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"correct. One gold star for Timmy!"

When we're in 8th grade it gets a little tougher:
"OK twerps. Lets say you and your punk friends are riding the bus. 14 kids are girls, and 15 are guys. The bus driver is from Mexico. 8 of you leave the bus when a Shiite jumps out from the bushes with a flame thrower and torches 3 of your friends dead, and leaves you on fire... what do you do?"
Kids pencils are flying.
"14 girls? (scratch scratch scratch) Mexican... (scratch scratch)"
Smart kid raises his hand.
"is the answer... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"3 Gold Stars for Yoshi."
"Hip hip hurray! hip hip hurray!"

at least that's how it was in MY school...

***Story of the Week***
This story dates back to Aug. 16 2007 when I was in the MTC.

I woke up to an alarm that I've never heard of before. After a few beeps I decided in my mind "That's the fire alarm!" so very robotically I got out of bed and flipped on the light to the groan of everyone in the room. I went and shook my companion awake. "hey the fire alarm's going off!" So we all woke up, I very quickly grabbed my name tag, wallet, and sandals and took off towards the exit in hopes to get my companion to hurry up. I was kind of excited about the whole thing and secretly wanted it to be real. I looked at my watch. 5:00am.

Finally my companion came and we went outside as the whole building of elders started to congregate. The Samoans and Tongans looked like they were going to freeze to death and one had a giamungus blanket and was still shivering. Everyone was in a zombie like daze when I finally came to my senses as I thought to myself out loud, "why am I wearing my name tag?" to the laughter of everyone around me.

Finally security shows up and clears the building and finds the problem. Someone wanted to microwave popcorn at 5 in the morning. He probably woke up in the middle of the night and looked at that popcorn and said to himself, "I cannot sleep another minute until the popcorn is UP IN FLAMES! so we all went back to bed a little more pissed than normal.

Security knocked on our door.
"did any of you guys do it?" and we told him "no." When he left McFarland said, "It was ME! I got up, put the popcorn in for 30 minutes then went back to bed!" must have been the time of the night, but it seemed really funny. The next day, we were pestering an elder about it we said, "Elder Meyers! why did you catch your popcorn on fire?" and he shot back. "well... I like my food HOT!" in a matter of fact way.

I recently ran into this elder Meyers at EFY (he was working too.) and caught a candid stalker shot of him. Enjoy.

Well that finishes the Newsletter. Remember, JBUDD NEWS is best read in email form, so if you haven't already, subscribe by email by putting your email in the box at the top right side of the page that says, "subscribe by email." Or if that sounds too hard, email and put the subject as, "ADD"

Remember#2 - JBUDD NEWS want to hear from you, so if you have any success stories or comments, email and you might just make it into the newsletter.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


Monday, January 24, 2011

Recent Discoveries in JBUDDtopia #2

Remember that one time that I spent like 3 posts ranting about how cool my car was?  Well either do I...  I really don't know how to break it to you guys in any soft squishy way, but... The USS Budd is dead.  It was assassinated Thursday morning.  ALIENS, actually came and invaded the earth.  I bet you guys didn't hear about that one...  It's that dang liberal media distorting the truth again.  If America knew aliens were here.  George Bush would somehow end up as president again.  It's just the inconvenient truth.

How do I know aliens are here?  Well if we learned nothing else from Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds, it's that when ALIENS come.  Cars die.  I don't remember WHY exactly, but it had something to do with the aliens wanting their solenoids back.  "HEY, these guys got SOLENOIDS in their cars!  Only ALIENS get to have weird names like solenoid..."

So they shot their solenoid deflector ray, and all the cars wouldn't start... Except Tom Cruise's car.  His car started.  Why?  because HE'S TOM FREAKIN CRUISE!  He does what he WANTS!

So in memory of the USS BUDD.  I discovered some new discoveries.  (that's the only way to get 'em):
Discovery #1
My car is WEAK sauce!

You know what's going on there?  It's STUCK!  STUCK?! HOW?! WHERE?! WHY?!  Yep.  It's stuck alright.  I was going thru a pretty decently sized dip.  I slowed down so my extremely long and low bumper wouldn't break the road in half.  and... It got stuck.  It's not a BIG dip, but it was dippy enough...  There was a person behind me, and he was like, "what the heck?!"  I don't know how you communicate this to complete strangers, "I need a push!"  Maybe they should come up with an international sign to let people know you need a push.  They got one for choking.   Maybe... you could just do the macarina and everyone will jump out of their car and come to the rescue.

Discovery #2
Don't buy the cheap rip off version of Captain Eo's shirt.
I was asleep not far from where that picture was taken.  I was having a very bizzar dream about aliens and Michael Jackson.  Except I WAS Michael Jackson.  After waking up in a cold sweat, I quickly went to the top of mount Everest and talked to the Sherpa up there and asked him what the dream meant.  It was so obvious.  I was kicking myself all the way down the mountain for not getting it.  Silly me, it meant I should buy Captain Eo's Shirt!  (Click here if you have no idea what I'm talking about)
Turns out the shirt came with a little hole in it tho.

Discovery #3
I was wandering thru the library one day, when I saw it.  the DOUBLE RAINBOW.  I almost fell over, but my knees caught me as I sat there and sobbed.  I wish I saw this before I went to the Sherpa man.  Definitely would have asked him, "What does it MEAN?!!"  Too much... too much...

Discovery #5
Moldiest Bread
Originally it was brown, but the mold spores got together with the bread cells, and had a meeting, "In celebration of the merger between bread and mold, we've decided we want to go with a new image.  We feel GREEN will really seperate us from our competitors."  It sure did mold.  Smart business move. All I know is your BROWN friends didn't end up in the garbage.

Discovery #6
Worst place to have nothing to drop.

Imagine dropping something down that.  wouldn't that be like the coolest thing in the world?  What would you give to drop something down that?  and Where are you going with your life?  have you ever asked these golden questions to yourself?

Discovery #7
Waterless urinal?
Are you kidding me?  Someone got paid millions of dollars to come up with this?  Isn't this the same invention as the DRAIN?  Isn't that a step BACKWARDS in technology?  I'm pretty sure before we had WATER-ED urinals, we had the WATERLESS urinal.

Discovery #8
I'm just not sure WHAT they're wanting me to try...

Discovery #9
We're teaching bulimia at such a young age now.
It says, "feed me." I'm surprised they expect kids to know how to work this thing.

 Discovery #9
what the heck?
Don't you hate when that happens?

Discovery #10
I need to move my hands even LESS now...
This bad boy does EVERYTHING.  All you do is put your hand in and start wiggling them around.  After a couple minutes, it will have shot soap at you, followed by water, and then semi-warm air that is intended to dry your hands, which job is usually taken on by our pants after sitting there impatiently for a couple seconds.

I guess the next step is combining the urinal with this thing.  Get it all done at once.  Maybe eventually we'll see a waterless washing station too?

Discovery #11
Buzz has taken, "To infinity and beyond!" to a whole new level.
I'm not sure I want a sip of that drink...
Photo Courtesy of K-Swift

Speaking of K-Swift, J-films has gotten another family member.  If you haven't seen it, you should definitely check it out

K-Swift - Enchanted Music Video

Til Next Time... JBUDD OUT!!!
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