Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How to Deliver a "Good Kiss"

Finals week.
Whether I passed the exam or not, the teacher's gotta admit that I'm pretty dang good at filling in those bubbles. After 14 years of school I definitely got that part down.

I wonder if the bubble-filling-in skill will ever be applicable in the real world. I think the actors in "The Ring" must've been ecstatic when reading the script. "You mean I get to..." "Yes... use your God given talents...." Maybe they had them fill out a scantron for the audition. "nice... very nice circles you got there."


Involved. When did we start using the word involved to mean dating?
"are you two... you know... Involved?"
Involved in what? A heist? when I think involved, I think along the lines of:

"There was a burglary on 4th avenue, 3 gunman were involved?"
"never get involved in a land war in Asia"
"Chanel, you best get out of town. I'm involved in something serious..."

then there's:
"Are you two... involved?"
"I didn't do it I swear! We just started out friends, a little small talk... Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it... we were... INVOLVED!"

I've never've been "Involved." I figured it was something I wanna try out. So I went cloths shopping. If you want the ladies, then you gotta look nice.

One thing I noticed is: Cloths look a lot cooler on the mannequins. Mannequins are always brawny and posed in interesting positions.
"Oh THAT'S what I'd look like in those cloths if I was buff and falling over!"

It would be nice to have mannequins that fit my demographic a little better.

"Can I see that on a taller, skinnier, and whiter mannequin? ok, now can you have him hunched over a computer typing a newsletter?"

On the flip side, the girl mannequins look like the brawny men's barbie girlfriends. So I got thinkin, maybe I should just take a picture with one of the Mannequins, make her a facebook page, and pretend she's my girl friend.

"Why don't we ever see Darla?"
"Oh she kinda gets stuck at work. She has a rigorous schedule"
"Where does she work?"
"She's just a cloths model."
"You're dating a model?"
"Yeah, people think I like her just because she's on display all the time, but It's something more..."
"Let me guess. Her personality..."
"Oh yes, She is very thick skinned and understands that some things are better left unsaid."

Word will soon spread that you're dating a mannequin, and all of your girl friends will be jealous and will want some of the action that new mannequin girl friend is getting.

The kiss. That's what they'll want. Frued failed at answering the question, "What do women want," but the answer is quite simple: The kiss is what they miss. Women want this kiss. It's on the list.

Look at the disney princesses. They want the kiss. Magical things tend to happen when the kiss happens. For mermaids, they can talk after the kiss. For others they wake up from their sleepy death. The kiss was always the greatest moment in these movies, and is why the sequels are always strait to VHS. The kiss already happened.
"How can you make an interesting post kiss story?" -girls thoughts.

If you're a guy, girls will always drill you with the seemingly innocent question: "what's your favorite disney princess!!!! lol" before you impulsively and foolishly shout out the answer: Ariel. Remember what I taught you: This is a test. Girls are analyzing the smallest micro movements on your face when you answer. Girls are 10 times more receptive to body language, so by the time you're going thru this in your head, you're already skrewed. So take this as a lesson for next time.

Girls are looking for the correct answer. Ariel is NOT the correct answer. The correct answer is Belle. (That's the one that married that Bad "A" beast character...) Just say Belle. Don't ask why. If you're morally apposed to saying Belle, I've come up with another way out of it. Simply tell her your least favorite princess, which is the forgotten princess. That's right, I'm talking about the princess and the pea princess.

Who in the right mind wants to be with someone who can feel a pea underneath a mattress? That prince dude was either drunk, or had Jafar hypnotizing him to believe a freakishly sensitive girl is desirable. Imagine trying to sleep at night.
"If you can't control those dang vibrations from your heart, then it's the couch again for you!"

Since the kiss is so important to the girl, I did a little research on what makes a good kiss. What I came up with is: Trumpet players, and the guys who can unwrap a starburst in their mouth. Have you heard that before? Have you ever unwrapped a starburst in your mouth? There's a lot more TEETH then lip action going on there, and the elongated facial expressions that come with it looks nothing like Prince Phillip's kiss...

Girls wont say it, but they aren't really looking for a "good kiss," they're merely looking for a "not bad" kiss. That's all a good kiss is, A bad kiss - minus the bad.  If you watch the tapes (Disney of course) You'll see that the kiss is merely putting two lips together and going, "mwuh" It's when you stray too far from that when you get into the "BAD kiss zone."

You may ask, "but JBUDD, do you have any tapes I can watch of bad kissing so I know what NOT to do?" well Billy, tapes are really out of date, but I do have a Youtube video. Enjoy, and Good Night.


Ps. You guys should be excited. I'm releasing a new movie in 2 days. It's a sitcom. Just get ready for it. I'll post it here.

I Just realized I've been doing this for 5 years...


Mahi said...

good one.

Anonymous said...

After we watched the pilot episode, I was addicted.
As a result of your love, I will never be a lonely character.

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