Thursday, January 4, 2007

Lucky Number 7! 2007! we got 7's up the BUTT! Exclamation point!

AHHH the great New Years is over, the beast has been slain yet one more time, but this time, it’s out for the count. KO to the beast. This is the last holiday, of what we like to call, “the holiday’s” I think that’s a really original name for such a sequence of holidays. “why don’t we name these holidays, ‘THE holidays!’” that man was unfortunately rewarded the Nobel prize in 1919.

But what I love about new years, is that people somewhere along the line decided that Christmas decorations are also legitimate for new years decorations. And I think this is just there pride coming through. “I set these things up, and I’m going to show them off for as long is socially acceptable.” They’re going to ‘suck them dry’ ‘get there money’s worth’ I really think the point of new Years isn’t to start a new year. Oh NO NO NO!!! the point of New year’s is to evict the Christmas season. Because you know if new years wasn’t there, people would be having their Christmas lights all the way into Independence Day. And by then they’d say, “eh, what the heck, it’s almost Christmas anyway.” Without New Years the world would be a devastating place to live. Light pollution would be SO bad, that kids will grow up thinking that darkness is only a Legend. Gathering around the campfire telling ghost stories about this unknown thing.

New Years was a blast for me. I went to the fireside in the conference center. It was basically like being spoon fed with material that was hip thrustic to my soul. It convinced me to stop making fun of that dork loser kid named Quin in every newsletter. ;)

>>>>ANYWAY #1

So I might hit you guys with a few stories. But I really wanna keep this short so I’ll see how it goes…

***New Years with JBUDD***

Well for any of you phonies who actually know me, you’ll know that I’m one who likes to party hop, ‘make an appearance’ at lots of parties. (by the way, if you want JBUDD NEWS to make an appearance at YOUR next party, just send an email to JBUDD news makes great for parties, always providing intertainment and laughter. Costs as low as $20 dollars. So Get reservations while they still last. ;)
So after I found myself at a high school party, I said to myself. “self, I got to get out of here!!!” but I realized that The count down was happening, so I stayed for that and left immediately afterwards. And on my way back to a party with peeps my OWN age, I was driving down 12600s and driving past the Baptist church. Now this church is the funniest church I’ve ever seen. If churches were people, this one would be Seinfeld himself. They always prove to have something on there sign that always gives me a chuckle or two ‘god answers knee mail’. So as I was driving past I braced myself for laughter as I began to read. And the sign read, “New Year’s Eve party, 7pm – 12AM” after I regained my breath from laughing, I pulled a U-turn and went straight to that church and decided I was going to party with some Baptists. Long story short I’m getting baptized next Friday. ;)

Oh, by the way, not really.

BUT this reminded me of a story of back when I was in… 8th grade we’ll say.

So me and my peeps. (lance) we’re walking home from the great Oh queer hills mental school. (oquirrh hills middle) and then on the corner of the street there’s this strange LARGE woman standing there. This woman is DEFINITELY no ordinary woman. She seemed as though she was trying to sell drugs or some cheep watches. She’s got a trench coat, shifty eyes looking around all uncomfortably. And we approach her with much caution, because LAST time I walked in on a drug deal, these gangsters chased me on there bikes for like 5 min. (long story) So I’m approaching WITH CAUTION. I’m taking the procedures one takes when approaching a stranger. So I’m in my karate stance ready to fight her and she comes and approaches us. I’m READY for some SHIZ! She pulls something out of her pocket. I’m scared. SUSPENSE IS BUILT, but all comes crashing down at the realization that it was just a FLYER.

Ok, now this is an important part. The flyer reads the following: “Pizza and dancing party. Riverton community center room 666. 7:00”

Now my childish mind had a thought process similar to this, “I like pizza. I like dancing. And 7 is my favorite number. It’s like 8, which is Steve Young’s jersey number, but it’s like one LESS then that! (true story) I’M GOING!!!!
So it’s an hour or so before the dance. And I’m pumped. We got our group of friends together, and we decided we were going to DRESS UP! I’m wearing some trench coat with a cool fedora hat. Aaron has this pimp shirt on with this HUGE top hat. I don’t even WANT to remember what anyone else was wearing.
So in a middle school fashion, we walk to the community center.

Now I haven’t been in that place since they remodeled it BUT, I’ll let you know my experience. We walk into the front door. The lights are dim and there is no warm bodies appearing to be present in our vicinity. We walk up this creepy dark stair case. I looked up and actually EXPECTED to see a noose hanging there. Once we’re up stairs we read some sign on a door that said, “don’t come through here floor may collapse” comfort was NOT the feeling I had at this moment. We start checking rooms. All EMPTY with a small glow of moonlight coming through those forbidden windows. We check the cafeteria NOTHING.
I decided that we should start checking the unknown part of this ancient school. So I walk past the Jail cell door. (not even lying) which opened up into a whole new section of halls. Off afar I hear some Faint music. I’m excited. So like a kid in a candy store I run towards this music, every step was one step closer to the pizza I would be consuming. I’m counting the number of slices I’m going to eat. “8, no wait I should have SEVEN because It’s ALMOST 8 but not quite you know? But I don’t want to be greedy, because there’s going to be some lady fan’s there… yada” So I get to the door and to my shock and horror it’s not a dance at all, but it’s a Jazzercise class. Hope was lost. Agony filled the air. We were never going to find the exit of this place we were doomed for eternity in a world of empty rooms and Jazzercise.

We had checked every door… BUT ONE. Because this door said no joke, “DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR!” I don’t know about you, but when something says, “DON’T OPEN THIS DOOR!!! SON OF A BI!” I generally DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! So we decided wtf. Lets check that room anyway. So We’re going to look into this room. Our LAST hope for any civilization. And we open the door as our Jaws slowly drop. This is no ROOM, this is a whole new HALLWAY. There’s a whole school that I have never known to exist, on the other side of that door. Long story short we find room 666.

O.K. I’d like you to remember the flyer now. We walk into this room late, so we expect there to be some people there. But NO. there is no other kids our age. There is no pizza, and there DEFINITELY is no music or dancing.
Some people greet us. We immediately say with a twitch in our eyes from our long journey. “where’s the pizza! Where’s the Music! Where’s the PEOPLE!!!” they say to us, they’ll all be here in a minute but while we’re waiting we’ve got a message to share with you. So we sit down, like 3 more people show up. So there is like 7 people in this room, and like 4 adults. The lights dim and some guy steps out and talks.

IT’S a PENTECOSTAL CHURCH PSYCO TRYING TO CONVERT US THING! And they start preaching to us. And the whole time we’re just like laughing. And the guy asks us a question, “have any of you seen a dead body!!” of course Aaron had to say “oh, heck yes, we went down to the lake once and there was this guy floating in it, and he was all bloated and stuff. It was SO rad. We pulled him out of the water, and tried to pop him with a STICK!” We told them so many lies. And they BELIEVED THEM!! And after he was done preaching to us, these 3 people walk out.
“OH! Hey STEVE!” Lances neighbor. Awkward…. So they proceed to play to the seven of us there Christian rock music. And we just sat there and listened. In our costumes. Looking at the other group of people in there skanked out dresses, ready to party. After a grueling hour they finally finish. And then I recognized a familiar smell…. PIZZA. And there end of the deal was kept, they provided the goods. And then it was all worth it.

We talked with them, told them more lies, they made us fill out these cards with out phone numbers on it. So we just lied some more. I think I put my name as ‘refrigerator’ or something. And my phone number, 1800-spank-me.

The end.


beautiful fort jesse! but lets not delay, i've got a doozy of a story here:

So i'm going out wednesday night with some good old friends from back in the high school years. tyler roberts, will garner, reed anderson, preston ford, bryan sorensen... i could go on for days. we decide we're going to convoy on down to Provo and have dinner with some friends that are going to BYU and still taking finals... what a nice visit, right?? HAHA so we drive on down there, pick up some peeps, and drive out to TGI Friday's. now, said food factory is located next door to the Hilton right off of University Parkway, which further down is also located to this, i assume government owned Utah Job Office or something or other. missing the turn to TGI's i swing into this workplace FORTRESS, and suspecting the parking lots connect i swing around the north side of the building. to what do my wonderous eyes to appear?! a spike strip. yes, a spike strip. i hit the spike strip, blowing two tires on the passenger side of my vehicle. oh my, says i, what an idiotic thing to do. i call my dad and inform him of my little mishap, trying to come up with a plausible excuse to explain how on earth i managed to hit a spike strip. how i only blew two tires still boggles me to this day, as those bloody contraptions are designed to take out all four. pure skill i tell you. meanwhile, my buddies are replacing the two tires with the spare in the trunk of mine, and one from a friend that was nearby that i had contacted and asked for a bit of assistance (take note, i later found out that the REAR tire that these hooligans put on had the lug nuts on backwards. BACKWARDS! last time i let them change a freaking tire!). the tire we scrapped from the 2nd vehicle didn't fit, and i ended up having to call a tow truck to take the car to a nearby Discount Tire Co, where we left it there overnight. Its okay, spikes strips are an apparent road hazard (no way! really?! jeez.) and were covered under the warranty. i ended up having to only pay $29 for two new tires! crazy eh?! so this whole grand adventure cost me a total of $79, including the two. darn those spike strips...

the fun doesn't stop there, no. you have to remember that this is the night before the Las Vegas Bowl, where BYU would be playing Oregon. we had tickets, of course. my dad was FURIOUS when he learned we had to obscure our schedule, push back the alotted time from 7:30am, to 9:00am to allow my mom enough time to find a way to get to PROVO and retrieve the repaired vehicle. my uncle and cousins show up and we hop in the "Mormon Bus," our '96 GMC suburban. we were on the road. GLORIOUS, our past behind us we were on the way to Vegas baby! our joy was short lived, however. 3 hours later, 30 miles out of Cedar City the suburban dies. quits. right there on the freeway. we pull over, and man i swear we must be paying tithing or something, a cop pulls up behind us within 10 seconds of opening the hood. he calls the chevy dealer in Cedar and orders a tow truck on the spot! it was fantastic! 45min later, the suburban on the back of a big wrecker and the 5 of us crammed into the cab. me, being the thinner of the group was volunteered to sit in the middle, in the front seat. Its a manual, so i was pretty much straddling the gear shift for the 20min drive into cedar. THAT was an experience, let me tell you. We're feeling good, despite our suffering, when the driver told us we could rent a car right there at the dealership and drive to vegas! pretty freaking lucky! we wouldn't lose that much time! we pull into the dealership, walk into the office grinning and laughing knowing we 5 hours until kick off and the trip would only take us 3. the look on the receptionist's face, however, was grave. we were informed that there were NO rental cars available in the entire boundary of Cedar City. i'm thinking "CRAP!" after 2 hours of calling around, we discovered the only vehicle available for rent was a 2 seater cargo van. looking at each other, being we were already 2 hours behind schedule due to my blasted spike stripping incident (shaking fist motion), we figured we had to get this show on the road and proceeded over to the rental dealer to sign the paper work. i know what you're thinking ;) but it didn't quite come to that. the last possible phone call we could have made was to the municipal airport there in town, and they had ONE minivan available for overnight rental. MAN we lucked out, kind of. seeing as how we had 3 hours til kickoff. cutting it close. we're on the road and i'm happy to say we had no further car troubles, we made it to Vegas, navigated the monstrosity called traffic and made it to the stadium just as two F-15 Strike Eagles made a fly-by and hit the afterburners just as we were walking underneath their flight path. (kinda cool experience, your rib-cage rattled so hard you could almost feel your organs being shaken to mush. the roar of the twin-turbine engines of the two planes set off hundreds of car alarms that all chirped and sang well after the aircraft had left.) we arrived at our seats, on Row 6, Section 3, south endzone JUST as kickoff commenced. we had made it, and i do say. being right next to the field in that particular endzone made it all worth while. 3/5 scores were within 20 ft. from where i was standing. BYU then proceeded to give Oregon an "Old Fashioned Butt Kicking" and hammered those poor, puke colored helmet stricken Ducks 38-8 in the biggest attendance at any sporting event ever recorded in the state of Nevada. Most memorable Vegas Bowl trip, ever.

Kyle "fweepa" McClellan, signing out

P.S: in other news, I made it through the Quarter-Finals in my fantasy football league, beating the No. 3 seed 124-123 to move into the semi round. :D


and you thought I write a lot! Well this story shows many principles that I like to preach. But the biggest one I’d say is, persistence. Persistence will help you go the distance kyle, and you proved that a little more literally then we all thought. Another one is RISK! He took a risk with those spikes, and they proved to hurt him. But that’s how life is, every once in awhile you make a bad decision, but you need to get back up and keep fighting. And if you keep on making those risks, you’ll find that you’re NOT hitting into spikes more then you are. You may be driving on the wrong side of the road, but hey, whatever works right? In Britain the actually LIKE to drive on the wrong side. Good story.

You are so funny Jesse!! Mabybe I'll actually start reading JBUDD news now! :-)
-Kelsay “ditz face” Whitaker
Thanks, preesh’
Got to throw in one of those once in awhile to remind you guys that I actually AM funny.
Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
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