Monday, December 25, 2006

HO HO HO Merry Everyone!!!

We’re gonna start this one off with a comment.

I want to complain at this weeks last newsletter. In stats you learn about the regression effect. Which means something will be so good and then the only way it can go is down. Is Jbudd news experiencing the regression effect? Will it suck to the point I mark it as junk mail and not read it. I'll I want for Christmas is JBUDD News with the same caliber, intensity and overall awesomeness of the first issues. The newsletters that lead me to look in the mirror and ask myself. "Am doing what I’m supposed to?" Its safe to say that JBUDD news had almost the same effect as the scriptures in my life. The word of Jesse had power to move belly to the point of pain with laughter. It had power to soften the heart and strengthen the mind. My one Christmas wish, to have the old JBUDD News that changed lives.
Quinton WNC Campbell -- Riverton, UT

I think that brought a tear to my eye. I’m glad I’m replacing the scriptures in your life. I have a dream ladies and gentlemen....

AS for the regression effect. Slap yourself Quin. And write the words “loser” backwards on a piece of paper and hold it up and look into a mirror. WHY would JBUDD news be regressing... because I didn’t write for a week? Well that may be true, but that’s ONLY because I was being lazy. ONLY. NOT because I had no stories... DEFIANTLY NOT.

Well you’re Christmas has been answered Quinny. I wrote a newsletter. And I think I’m gonna start needing some more FEEDBACK, and some more AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, or else I might start regressing. And YES, that IS a THREAT. SO if you have any neat stories, write it down and email it to me at, DO IT. NOW. STOP READING.

AHHH the great Christmas is over, the beast has been slain once again. This is what I noticed about Christmas. Christmas can be split up into TWO holidays. Christmas eve, and Christmas Day. Both holidays consist of feasting, and roast beasting. And both holiday’s can further be split into 24 hour incriments, which can further be split into 60 minute intervals.

And I LOVE the cover up for santa that movies are creating these days. It’s like these movies are TRAINING videos on what to tell your kids when they start asking about the facts of life, about santa. I’m sure BEFORE movies were out parents were telling there kids all sorts of things. , “Alright Sam. There’s this Chris Cringle character who FLIES around in his magical Bowing 747. BLASTING any naughty kid within his line of vision.” I wonder who first initiated the notty/nice theory. “We’ve gotta get these kids in line, they keep wining and asking for stuff from me...” and then some guy put two and two together. What if we tell these kids that this santa fella will screw them over and jack there stuff in the middle of the night, if they’re being “naughty”(ooh, sounds dirty). And through the years this evolved to what we call today Christmas (how special).
But these movies help keep the story consistent.

Probably the first question one asks the parents about santa is this, “why are you waking me up, and unwrapping presents.” That’s an easy one, thanks to the poem written by Clement Clarke Moore entitled, “the night before Christmas.”
The second question, once there minds start to develop they start to notice that santa is... EVERYWHERE. Every shopping mall, and street corner they go to, santa is there. “How can santa be everywhere at once.” That one’s pretty easy. Because you see, santa hires out these “santa’s little helper” folk. To do his bell ringing and ho, ho-ing. And He’ll take ANYONE really. You don’t even need to look ANYTHING like santa anymore to work for him. Technology has advanced SO far that even YOU who are reading this can become santa. You could be 6'8" and weigh 170LB. They’ve found ways around it. That’s where the Fake beard comes in, and... uh hem... didn’t want to have to say this aloud... but ‘stuffing’ I hate to break it to you, but some Santas... stuff. I’ve seen it MYSELF!
Then the next questions they start to ask start getting complicated, but thank goodness for that Tim Allen movie we call, “the santa clause” as I mentioned before. This movie is the most resourceful movie to ever hit kids. When I have kids I’m gonna pop that movie in, and make them take notes, “there will be a 30 minute timed quiz following the movie. If you miss more then 10 you will not be receiving Christmas this year.”

This movie tells you everything from, how santa gets to the whole world in one night, to how he gets into houses WITHOUT chimney’s and EVEN where santa comes from! ... It still hurts my mind to watch it.

Our society, has gotten santa down to a science. Studies show that by the year 2020 that all adults under the age of 25 will believe in santa Claus.

Ok, now I’ll get to my Christmas story, now that I’ve jabbered

****Gather round the fire and listen to my tale****

There it is, the scariest figure I have ever seen in my life. Ahead of me is a Ginormous clown floating around. I scream for help, no one answers, I seem to be everywhere and no where at the same time. My little mind does not know how to solve this problem on it’s own. Suddenly I realize that I’m wet. WET WITH WHAT??!?! And then it happens....
“wake up Jesse, Santa’s here!”
It wasn’t real... I realized, it was only a nightmare. I’ve only heard of nightmares in story books told by my mother, NEVER had I experienced one in my life. And it confused the crap out of me. But what confused me even more, is why my sister was waking me up.
“Wake up santa’s here”
I’m extremely pissed at this point. I don’t know who this santa guy is, but what is he doing here so early. Waking me up in the middle of my first dream. But I knew I would someday get revenge. After I changed into some dry cloths.
So I trot down these stairs, and am shocked. Someone has made a mess of our ENTIRE family room. And I knew what Jerk had done this.. “santa...” his name resounded in my head. They say that your first 30 seconds of meeting someone is when you decide if you like him or not. I have never met this santa fellow, and he already had my sworn oath to death.

>>>>ANYWAY #1
lets fast forward about 16 years to this very Christmas. I STILL have yet to catch that sneaky little Bword. This year I even built a fort right outside our Christmas tree to catch that little vandal. Our Sworn rivalry has only grown stronger over the years. I named the fort after my dear clown friend from my dream back when I was two, that santa destroyed. I was going to catch santa in his name inside, “Fort Pee Pants.”
I was in my fort, then suddenly I hear some noise... I hear a rustle... “I’VE GOT HIM NOW!!!” I jump out my fort and low and behold, it’s only my dad. “FOILED AGAIN!!!” I thought to myself. And I look, and santa had already been here. I don’t know who this santa creep is... but he’s good. REAL good. But as long as I’m around he’ll only be second best.

I’ve attached pictures of my fort.

Enjoy. And Merry Christmas ;)

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,


If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

“You are a Homo” provided by Drew Dillman
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