FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN, A BIG FAT SHMLIXTEEN? (Revival)

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.

OOOOHHH YEAAAAH!!! Stretch those arms and fingertips out… WOOOH! Here we are folks… We’re here once again! Can you believe it? Did you do a double take when you saw that email in your inbox? Did your heart drop as if you just received a letter from your long lost lover that you thought died in a fire? Well… I didn’t die in a fire… I just… needed some time to clear my head that’s all… THEN you’re probably gonna think that I’m some proteinic jerk, for faking my death, just to get away from you… then you’ll cry a little, but after some time, the stab will turn into a dull ache, and the humor you once found in JBUDD news will return…
Not much has happened the last two years, so I’ll just jump to the chase… I’m not sure where or what the chase is… but we’re going to be jumping to it… so buckle up…

I was thinking about seatbelts like two days ago… MY WHOLE LIFE I’ve worn this thing… in elementary school that’s the first thing they teach you. Wear a seatbelt. The second is look both ways before crossing the road… the kids that don’t pass THAT test usually don’t make it to the end of first grade, so they figured they’d put it first on the syllabus… I’ve worn that noose we call seatbelts for 20 years… and what has it done for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! It has never once prevented me from dying… and that’s pretty strait across the board for everyone I’m pretty sure… We DEFINITELY wear the seatbelt more when we DON’T need it, than we wear it while crashing into something… I’m pretty sure the ratio is like a billion to one. The only problem is if you’re NOT wearing it when that moment of truth comes, you’re skrewed… So every trip we take, we put it on, knowing that we probably won’t need it, but knowing that someday we might need it, so we just anticipate the day when all of our sweat and pain have paid off… all the times we kinked our arms back and pulled a muscle trying to reach the buckle… all the wasted energy in snapping it in… I think MY first car crash I’m going to be ecstatic. I’m gonna jump out of the car cheering… IT WORKED IT WORKED! for after much labor comes the reward… and that’s the only reward you’re gonna get. A messed up car, and your life…

ANYWAY>>>>>

The summer is coming to the close, and we’re all going to be moving out to college soon… when I say all of us, I mean all those that will be going to college. For those of you that don’t know, I’m going to be going to the place of Logan, to the university they call utah state. I’m moving up on the pyramid, when I left I was at a state college, NOW I’m officially at a University… So you can now start calling me MR. JBUDD…

I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

The best part about switching colleges, and living with a bunch of dudes that you never met, is that they know NOTHING about you! You can just completely rewrite your history, and make stuff up, and they’ll just automatically BELIEVE YOU!… so this is my plan. This isn’t a joke, when I go down to college, I’m changing my name to “rain” when you meet someone new, you ask for their name, and what do they usually say? There name! you don’t second guess it… so since I’m gonna be meeting a LOT of new people, I’m just gonna say I’m rain, and go with a new image… I’m gonna where cowboy boots, ride a horse to school, and in my spare time I’m going to plant corn where the grass used to be by our apartment, to get back to the old farm look that we miss so much… yee haw! Giddy up!

So next time, I’ll report to you guys on how my new nickname is going down there… so thanks for reading, and until next time…. JBUDD OUT!!!!

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,
JBUDD

P.P.S

If you smell your hands right after you hold a bunch of pennies. You can pretend for a moment that you're actually a robot.

Numero el fifteeno (last one.)

Well Ladymen and GENTLEmen, this may be the last JBUDD NEWZ (ooh, z) ye shall be receiving from me for two years.

SO last time I asked ye where you thought I would be going, and I never actually announced any winners. Here’s what some of YOU guessed:

Kyle Challis: Provo, Utah.
>>>>COMMENT: uh… I think I’d make up a sin just to NOT go there. I’m sorry I commited…. Jazzer…fi…CATION! JAZZERFICATION! Sorry bishop I can’t go! (just kidding. I’d go there if I had to.)

Rachel Holt:
1. Florida? only because I can't spell Louisanna
2. Brazil, because I mean, EVERYONE goes to brazil, its the cool place to be apparently. I wish I was there. think of all those missionaries...mmmm...
3. Poland. uh huh.
>>>>>COMMENT: I don’t know what possessed you to give THREE answers, I specifically asked for ONE! But irregardless, you’re wrong! Get out of here!

Lahindsahee Hatch: ARGENTINA ALL THE WAY BABY!
>>>>>COMMENT: Baby? as in: I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby?

Meagan Bentley:
first of all...Canada
second of all- the beach boys, one of the first boy bands, often speak of
wanting to GET married…
>>>>>COMMENT:
First of all… ok, you’re WRONG
SECOND of all… I know you are but what am I! HA!

Meagan Wyllie: I guess the southwest like Arizona or Texas.
>>>>>COMMENT: OOH, two Meagan’s, and two answers! PARTY!

Brayden Kemp: Witchita, Kanses...or maybe Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...we could be missionary companions...but nonetheless, I am saying, Witchita.
>>>>>COMMENT: first of all, it’s Wichita, I only know that because spell check underlined it. BUT if their actually ARE witches in Wichita, then I think the spelling is robbing the town of some sweet tourism action.

Katie Sparrow (Jack sparrow’s little sister…)
I'm not sure where you'll go...i'm going to say Africa....
>>>>>COMMENT: really? You’re not sure? Africa’s kinda a big guess… You should have just said, “EARTH, I CALL EARTH! NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE IT! NO BATTLE! …. yes!...”



OK, before I announce the winner, I’d like to spank (thank) all the participants, and the good workers here at JBUDD NEWS who spend the time every day editing through all the thousands of emails I get to ensure that only the BEST get in here. ;) and most of all, I’d like to thank myself for writing these. Ok:

I just measured the mileage, and I’d just like to mention that no one was even CLOSE. The closest would be at the horn of Africa measuring 4,727 miles. Congrats captain sparrow, you win! The TOP PRIZE is a picture of me I’ll email you. And in last place was hatch face’s Argentina which is very close to the EXACT OPPOSITE end of the world measuring 11,319 miles! Congrats?


OK, I’ve got a few things to tell ye before I do some rambling.

WHO: YOU
WHAT: ARE INVITED!
WHAT: TO MY FARWELL
WHEN: JUNE 24th, at 9:00am
WHERE: church on the corner of 13400 S and 2700 W in RIVERTON
HOW: dressed in church cloths

Remember those invitations you’d get to like your best friends birthday party? WHO WHAT WHEN WERE HOW! I think the point was to teach the kid how to plan something logically, “wait… I need to tell them WHEN? WHERE? What is this thing? MOM! Plan my party for me!” At least that’s how it was when I was a kid. My friends never planned there birthday party, heck, we would even have our moms CALL the other kid over, “can you have Brandon come over and play with me?” maybe that’s because no one actually WANTED to play with me, so I had to get my mom to talk to there mom and FORCE them to… yeah, being a kid was great. Imagine trying that out now. HEY MOM! Can you force Hillary to go on a date with me? Actually, lets just get married.

****STORY OF THE WEEK****

The day: Tuesday june 19th.
The time: 3:00pm

I was sitting at my house all bored when I went to go into my room to get some shoes to put on, when I noticed my door was turned away from me. MEANING someone was in there. That’s when I heard it, my mother in her best nagging voice says to me, “I wish you’d learn how to use a hanger, I payed blah blah blah suit blah blah blah dry clean.” And of course my defenses are THROWN up! “well I wish you wouldn’t clean my room!” ooh, good comeback! Well she retaliated with something I don’t remember, but this for a moment had me all worked up so I went back upstairs and thought, what if when she came back up, I was gone! The old traditional childhood thought. But don’t discredit me too much, I quickly laughed and thought at how childish I was being. Then I thought about it some more… hey, that would be pretty fun. Just jump on my bike and start riding. I entertained this thought for awhile debating on whether I should or not. So finally I got my sleeping bag, a jug of water and jumped on my piece of HUNK bike. And I said I’d just start riding and fall asleep wherever I ended up. It just so happened to be I was in Provo when it became night time. So long story short I climbed to the “Y” and slept up there. Pretty much was the worst sleep of my life. Not gonna lie.

But I did discover a few things on this long journey all by myself:

Discovery #1:
My back hurts from carrying this stupid sleeping bag with me. Why did I do that?

Discovery #2:
While listening to coldplay and riding your bike, sing along at the top of your lungs. In return you will receive funny looks from passing people. It will make you smile.

Discovery #3:
Hey I found a natural hot spring!

Discovery #4: hiking the Y is really hard after riding 50 miles

Discovery #5: Find level ground to sleep on. Otherwise you’ll keep sliding down towards that 3 foot cliff.

Discovery #6: Sitting down on your bike seat after a day of biking SUCKS.

Anyway….

So then I woke up at 6:00 and jumped on the bus back to riverton and as I did, I pondered a few things:

The bus is REALLY just a waiting room on wheels. You walk up to the receptionist (the driver) He tells you you’re at the right place, and that your destination will be right with you. It’s about a half hour wait. You sit down; you get comfortable, maybe pull out something to read… “I wonder what’s wrong with THAT guy…” Hoping to avoid small talk at any cost.
I wanna hop on a bus that has only one person on it and just sit RIGHT NEXT to them, and not say a word. Maybe even lean on them a little. Now THAT would be awkward. There’s like this unwritten rule that no one can talk. One day before I die, I want those bus doors to open, and as they do, I hear the pounding techno music being blasted in my ears. I walk up to the bus driver (who’s dressed like a clown from the 80’s…) and everyone cheers my name in complete sync, “JBUDD!” There’s drinks, tables, card games. Not too many people are sitting down… I mean, they give you that BAR to hang on to while standing up. Which provides the perfect “flirt stance” for guys and girls, one hand on the bar, the other one CASUALLY in the pocket, or used for the occasional ‘tap on the shoulder’ followed by laughter. Really, the bus should be a GREAT place to meet people. “so… you ride the bus too huh?”
anyway, enough with my fantasy.

I also like to look around at all the signs posted all over. My personal favorite, is the “seeing eye dog” being allowed, as opposed to NORMAL pets not… my first thought is… they’re blind! What good is that picture going to do! But don’t worry the smart people at UTA made sure that all the rules are posted in BRAIL underneath the corresponding picture! I wanna JUST ONCE in my life time, be sitting on the back row of the bus. When this crazy lunatic runs in with his seeing eye dog. Finds the nearest wall and just starts feeling around. “I’VE GOT TO FIND THE RULES! WHERE ARE THEY? There’s a wall here PEOPLE, and I know there’s brail SOMEWHERE on it!” meanwhile, everyone’s just pissed at him as he’s running into them. “No combustibles on the bus? Since when?”


WELL. I’m done. The end.
JBUDD NEWS, adieux.


ps. I wrote a poem real fast
JBUDD news
you are cool
when I was 2
I used to drool

JBUDD news
oh baby
oh baby
JBUDD NEWS! (guitar riff.)
the end.

Number 14

I’d like to welcome you all out to JBUDD NEWS 14th edition. Tomorrow I’ll probably be getting my mission call… so Reply to this email, and make a guess on where I’m going, if you’re the closest person, you will get TOP PRIZE!!!

So I just remembered a story… STORY TIME!!!!

So it’s the summer of ’06 and I’m with my good friend Skyler. We decided to go to taco bell, because HEY, who doesn’t like taco bell? I mean a half pound burrito for a buck! Now that’s VALUE! Anyway… So this particular time, the drive thru line was pretty enormous. So we had to wait for awhile trying to entertain each other. Skyler at least had the advantage of having a rear view mirror, in which he used to look at the girl in the car behind us. He said to me, “she’s pretty cute.” I couldn’t really see her myself. So skyler says to me, “I’ll give you 5 bucks if you go back there and get her phone number!” Now I thought that I was somewhat of a hunk of meat, so I was thinking…”no problem, I’ve got it! I’ve got it!”
I get out of the car, and as I’m walking up to her window, I’m thinking to myself, “she’s not that cute…” I’m trying to think of what I’m going to say, my mind is racing, but my body is CALM. I walk up to her all smoothly, “you must have played football because you’ve got a TIGHT END!” OWWW! Jk. I don’t know what I actually said… but it was pretty smooth as I recall. So I ask her, “can I have your number?” She points at her stomach and replies:
“I’m 6 months pregnant!”
…..
….. I’m standing in the middle of the road hitting on a pregnant lady…. Hahahahaha.
I bursted into laughter and said that this was going to make a great story, shook her hand and went to my car and laughed for like 5 minutes.
In the end I didn’t get her phone number.

ANYWAY

I think we’re all adult enough to admit that yes, we all liked backstreet boys at some point in our lives. Not in a homosexual way, but in a, “I could see me listening to this. Not like EVERY day, but maybe every OTHER day? I don’t know…” The songs really had some emotion. Some days I just felt like saying, girl, “QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!” I always thought that song was WAY to calm for the lyrics. They lyrics are like a demand you’d hear at a gun point. I longed to hear nick just SCREAMING at the top of his lungs crying. “QUIT PLAYING GAMES @*&!#” he’d actually SAY “quit playing games at asterisk and exclamation point pound!” it could have been a number one JAM. But instead, it was only a number two.

The backstreet boys WERE cool. Emphasis on WERE. There was a moment when everyone liked them, but then some kid made fun of another kid for liking them. Someone made a personal attack on the body we call “the backstreet boys.” Someone decided it would be funny to call them “The backstreet GIRLS.” DISREGARDING the scientific evidence that they are actually indeed BOYS, starting a huge prejudism and injustice to all who liked them, JUST for the benefit of themselves. Whow wants to like a band people call “backstreet girls?” anyway? NOT ME! Girls can’t be backstreet! No one’s going to listen to that! Now all because of that first kid to make fun of them, all of a sudden the whole 4th grade wasn’t allowed to like them. Tyranny had taken over the playground. People were told to deny there boyband or suffer public humiliation. Anarchy had broken out, never to return… Hope was disappearing, the future seamed somewhat… bleak.

The same thing happened with Barney the dinosaur! Before kindergarten EVERY kid was watching Barney! Then first day of school, the same kid stands up and informs the whole class, “just to let you new comers know… now that we’re officially in public school, a few things need to go. #1 picking your nose… You either have to do it before or after school, or do it when no one is looking, or else roomers will spread about you faster then a wild fire. #2 Barney… is out! (gasp from the kids.) I’m sorry, I didn’t make the rules, But you WILL be made fun of from here on out for watching it in any forms.” And that’s what happened. Kids still watched it… but they watched it in secret. As if they were escaping Auschwitz. Then every once in awhile the witch hunt would begin and false accusations would be made.
“Timmy stole my shoe teacher!”
“well HE watches BARNEY!” (gasp from the class)
The teacher suddenly stops what she’s doing and has to step in and mediate this argument, “is it true you watch barney Ronald?”
The kid at this point is trembling, “no…” but alas, his knees are trembling and it is obvious that he’s lying.
“don’t make me repeat myself Ronald… did you watch barney or not!”
at this point little Ronald breaks down in tears as the teacher yells to the two biggest kids in the room. “TAKE HIM AWAY!”

That’s how it happened, as far as I remember. That’s how the backstreet boys were. But I’d have you guys know that I’ve had a dark secret since that time. And I am READY to take a stand against this Injustice. I JBUDD want to be in a boyband. It’s true. I mean, I’ve got the dance moves already… I’ve been practicing saying, “girl” as best I can. The only problem is… Is I don’t think I’m allowed to get married.

I’m pretty sure that being in a boy band automatically disqualifies you to ever being married. You never hear any boy band song talking about them actually GETTING the girl. That’s right, you know it’s true. All they sing about is how the girl is breaking there heart, or how much they want the girl. But NEVER do they actually SAY, “girl, I got you. You are my girl. We’re going to get married… and start a family!” In reality that makes sense. I mean who would want to listen to this.
“GIRL! Today I got home from work! And the house was kind of messy! And Dinner wasn’t made! So I threw my shoe thru the wall! You ran out crying! So I made a TV DINNER! And it was… kind of cold! So PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!” Married songs just don’t work. “I changed the kid’s diaper. And it really stunk. Then I did the dishes! And you thought that it was really cool. So we went to TACO BELL!!!! And You paid for it! and GIRL, that made my night!”

That one goes out to all my groupies on row five!!! Anyway. JBUDD OUT!!!

COMMENT>>>>>>
How do I unsubscribe from this? I have no clue how I got onto this list, or who you are, but I get way too many emails from you without having any clue who you are.

RESPONSE>>>>>>
Couldn’t take it eh? Couldn’t handle the news from some random kid that you have no idea who he is eh? Well cool. If anyone else is in this boat, just send me an email with “unsubscribe” into the subject line.
Woah! I just made a discovery. I think Gmail puts anyone who ever emailed you into your contacts or something. Because I deleted this guy off the list and now he’s there again. If anyone has a solution tell me.

Lucky number 13!

Well... I know what you're all thinking. "It's been like 2 months since the last one! You said that you were going to write shorter more frequent JBUDD NEWS'es! I like to complain a lot! Me me me me!" well let me tell you a story. There once was a little boy who planted a carrot seed. Everyone said that It was never going to grow. Long story short it grew to the fear of everyone. The little kid went around with his fury and rampage, collecting the money from the bets he made with them. He eventually made thousands of dollars off of his carrot seed bet, and became a millionaire at age 12. He now has a wife who's expecting child within the next month. But little does the carrot seed kid know that the child isn't his... That's the moral of this story... If you plant a carrot seed, you'll have an illegitimate child. And thus we can relate to JBUDD NEWS?

>>>>ANYWAY

You know what I think is a bunch of crap? Uncle Sam. THAT's RIGHT! I said it! UNCLE SAM!

I'm not saying that I'm a flaming democrat that hates the U.S. I'm saying that I think our country's mascot is in need of some souping up.

I am convinced that Uncle Sam was even more random then my "Steve" mascot for MY made up holiday. I can just see it now. The president is sitting in his office filling out his tax refund, thinking to himself, "Man, this country is as stingy as my uncle Sam." Then right at that moment the light bulb turned on, and angelic choirs were heard in the distance.

That particular president was actually awarded the Nobel prize in 1821.


Growing up as a current U.S. citizen, I've grown to get used to all my schools and sports team's mascots. "the BEARS, the GRIZZLIES, the SILVERWOLVES, the LOCNESS MONSTER'S!"

Man those are ferocious. When I hear those names I think, "man I'm scared of them… bears eat me. Silverwolves… ouch. The loc ness… is big… and tasty. (so I hear) then you'll get the general mascots like: the Indians, the miners, and TROJAN MAN! I'm pretty fly with these ones. I mean wouldn't it be nice to just be the "USA: Americans" "Riverton: Rivertonians" (ooh, sounds tough.) Wouldn't that just make the world so much easier? "We are the rivertonians! Uh huh! We are the rivertonians, the mighty mighty rivertonians! And WE! SHALL! CONQUER!! WOOOOO! (cheerleaders are kicking in the air while holding up there index finger. Pretending that we're actually number one… Who are they trying to convince? The crowd already knows we're not number one, we're DOWN 42 to 6! Anyway…) No more memorizing teams that I have to pretend to know. "OOH, the darts are playing the raptors!" Everyone's all into the game, I'm just sitting in the back all confused, "GO… GO RAPTORS… Hit them with the claw! Whip him with your tail! Fight and win my favorite sports team! May your superior raptor abilities take down those measly inanimate objects…" everyone's looking at me, a coke can glances off my head… yeah, I miss middle school…

Wouldn't that be a nice way for fighting wars?


CNN REPORT IN IRAQ:

The announcers have these headsets on…

Announcer1: I just don't think that the Iraqi bombers have the defense to handle the USA: koala bear's.

Announcer2: I'd agree. What coach sadaam should do is put in his weaker forces in the front line, then flank them from the right with the special opps!

Announcer1: and if koala's coach Bush had his head on straight he'd bomb them from above with a bowing 747!

Announcer2: whatever happens, we can GUARANTEE the audiences that this is going to be an EXILLERATING match!

(yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about… but you get the point!)

>>>>>ANYWAY

Sam... Strait up sam… Is that the image we want to give to the rest of the world? I mean we all have that uncle sam that sits around all day watching T.V. drinking beer. Not being able to hold a steady job or girl friend… "I'm not as THINK as you DRUNK I AM! Officer!" Is that the image we're trying to give to our children? Always borrowing money from other people. And you just give it to him because you know you'll never see it again.

"Man Uncle Sam keeps trying to hit me up for this social security thing he keeps talking about. I know he's just going to use it to buy drugs! … or medicare…"


And another thing. When was the last time Uncle Sam… LOOKED AROUND? Does he see what OTHER people are wearing? NOPE. He's set on his style of cloths. "I'll take a pair long striped red, white, and blue pants…. What the heck! Throw in a tall top hat and jacket to match!" I think he must have gotten a funny look from the retailer, "I'm going to have to see my manager about this one." then he decided to wear this SAME EXACT THING for the next 200 years. TAKE A SHOWER ALREADY!!!


You've got to give him a break though… He IS an old guy… and we all know that once you hit a certain age… someTHING start to change… and you wear the same thing for the rest of your life…

We all know what I'm talking about! Anyone take a look at your dad. Same cloths every day. I actually convinced it's mandatory. I think once they hit a certain age, the FBI pulls them in to there office, tosses them a pair of lee's, with a worn in wallet and key mark, and the saggy butt accompanied by the tight ankles. Tosses him the conservative button up shirt and sais, "it's time…" He puts his head down and walks out the door…

But seriously! When do you reach that point when you wake up and you say, "This is it! This is what I'm wearing the REST of my life!"


Anyway…


Ultimately why I hate uncle sam is for THIS reason…


"I want YOU to yada yada yada!" OOOOH what a bunch of garbage! What a week sell out to the whole world! The original, "I want YOU to join the Union army!" …cool, that's cool Uncy Sammy its cool AND cute really... It's when he went CRAZY with this. "I want YOU to apply for a home equity loan…" "I want YOU to buy this night stand." "I want YOU to get a membership at gold's gym!" and I'm sitting back thinking to myself, "common, uncle!" I'm saying this as I'm thumbing thru the one's in my wallet… well I want YOU to lower taxes, I want YOU to ban abortion… I want YOU to ban gay marriages…. I want YOU to beet the south and ban slavery! GO UNION!!! And I want YOU to get a new job, and let the new young hip polar bear to replace you… YOU my friend… are FIRED!