How to write your own will... #18

Good HECK! Wasn’t it a beautiful day today? The weather made my day. When the weather’s cold, my classes seem like I’m just waiting in a military bunker in Siberia, waiting to go out to battle. But today the birds were chirping, and everything felt… EXUBERANT (for lack of better words.) Even my CLASSES seemed more interesting. My business law professor was holding a pen today, and it exploded in his hand without him realizing it, and he did one of those nose swipes and put a PERFECT little Hitler mustache on his face, and EVERYTHING he said was funny after that! Except when he started yelling at us in German, and two guys dressed in black carried some kid out of class… NOBODY saw that coming…

In class today we learned about wills. Wills are defined as: power trips from beyond the grave. EVEN though I’m dead… I’m STILL going to control what happens to you!!

I was thinking about MY will… what could I possibly put in it? Well… what do I own? “and my pog collection will go to little Timmy” “my half can of tuna can go to my roommates who’ve been eying it down in the fridge.”

Since when did my net worth get so low? You see those guys on t.v. “Donald trump is worth 5 billion dollars” or whatever… I’d love to see how they’d calculate MY net worth…. “alright, you got eleven and a half pairs of socks, some pants shoes, and shirts… a box of macaroni, and 3 slices of top raman… That comes to a subtotal of 40 bucks… would you like paper or plastic…” what does that number even mean anyway? He’s worth 2 trillion! What does that even mean? Are we to the point where we’re selling people on the market now? “I’ll take … one Bob Frakenburg… and… what the heck, throw in a bill gates!” I thought all that stuff ended with the 14th amendment? I don’t know why the heck we’re calculating what people are worth…

>>>>ANYWAY…

Since MY will obviously can’t have anything to do with material things… I’ve I’m going to put random things in it.

I can picture it now, a bunch of people gathered in a circle reading my will as my old dead body lies warm in my bed. I just happened to be wearing this big purple heart shaped jewel around my neck… The one begins to read. His finger following each carefully placed word:
“Go to the backyard and dig a hole!! and then… throw my body into it! GO AHEAD! Don’t be shy! The shovel’s in the garage next to that big mining pick!”
How often have you ever needed to use your mining pick anyway? Every house has one… I just ONCE want to be chilling at my friend’s house, watching a movie or something, and see his dad come into the house, just COVERED in black residue…
“WHAT HAPPENED ED??”
“ah, nothing, just been down in the hole collecting fossil fuels for your stockings this Christmas! You’d be surprised how much coal is under that SANDBOX over there!” at this point we look out the window too see poor Timmy playing with his new pog set, when the sandbox collapses into them mine… looks like no coal for timmy THIS Christmas…


I’m just not into the whole fancy funeral thing. Just what’s the big deal? Who are we trying to kid? Are we trying to make the people who just died feel good that they actually had people show up? Most of them you probably don’t even know anyway! Are we afraid that the person is going to come back and haunt us if we don’t do these things?

And we go all out with the expensive casket and everything… What do those things cost? Like 5 grand? Excuse me? This is the same glorified box we’re going to be burying in a 6 foot deep hole? How bout I make a box, and you give me that 5 grand! They even give you a little PILLOW in there! Now what crack head came up with that?! We figured since he’s gonna be in that box for a couple hundred years, might as well make him comfortable… and what the hey, lets put the guy in a tuxedo too! Just in case he meets another dead lady down there and wants to go on a date!

So in MY will, I want to change some things up.
I figures since I already get a pillow… might as well be in a good sleeping position… so when everyone shows up to the viewing, they’ll see me laid on my side in the fetal position… one arm thrown up underneath my pillow, and the other one’s flopped over my chest. My face will be buried in my pillow, and they’ll even add fake drool to make it seem more realistic… I’ll be wearing Pajama bottoms, and my favorite Riverton shirt and I’ll have a Nintendo DS next to me, cuz if I happen to wake up in the coffin, hey! They’ve got MARIO in this thing! I figure if I’m gonna need a pillow down there, I DEFINITELY will need some entertainment … If I’m going down… I’m going down in style…

How To Mooch off your friends... #17

OK OK OK, I haven’t written for a month, SO SUE ME!

I thought you learned by now that JBUDD news is unpredictable… it’s the predictable newsletters you can’t depend on… cuz you never know when they’ll do something, completely stupid… but with JBUDD news you can ALWAYS depend on it being undependable…

As you can tell, I’ve recently watched pirates of the Caribbean… not by choice… now I’m not saying that I don’t consider it one of my favorite movies… but that I hadn’t planned on watching it. I know we’ve all been there, you’re walking past the TV, and you’re like, “hey what’s that moving thing you’re looking at?” Then you turn you’re head, and then BAM! An hour later you’re watching the credits roll… still holding your psychology book pretending that maybe perhaps you’re going to study it while watching it…

We use bait to catch fish… and if THEY ever wanted to get revenge and catch us cruel humans… I would HIGHLY suggest to use a T.V. “hey what’s that?” then by the time the subject latches on to the T.V. BAM he’s in the boat… Fish catching Humans? That doesn’t make sense!

Last night I was walking past the T.V. and an hour later I saw the credits scrolling for the movie, “NINJA TURTLES” and I think THAT was a pretty far fetched Idea… I’m not sure HOW the creators came up with that… they HAD to have been tripping on acid… “dude! Dude dude! I GOT IT!!! What if… these turtles, could like FIGHT eachother and TALK!” and his friend was like, “COWABUNGA DUDE!”

For those that haven’t seen it, the alleged turtles were thrown into a sewer, and then they came across some glowing green GOO, and it made their whole genetic code change in such a way where they could walk and talk, and do kung foo…

Now days, us movie watchers want more EVEDENCE… back in the day we used to be able to say, “the turtles walked in to some green goo, and that’s how they became the ninja turtles... ALRIGHT!” no questions asked… audiences all over the world were watching it in theaters nodding their heads saying, “I see where they’re going with this!!” NOW days… people are a lot more picky…

Anyone see the first Hulk? Yeah, the first 30 minutes of that movie was dedicated to the science of Hulkanism… how a person could actually TURN into a green monster when he’s angry…imagine trying to explain that! …They talked about genetics, physics, biology, chemistry, quantum physics, BIOGENETIC quantum physics…. Til finally the audiences were like…. “Yeah….. I GUESS that could have happened?” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OL days of the glowing green goo that explained everything?!!

The comic book publisher would ask,:
“So how’d he become spiderman?”
“well the kid was bit by a spider that fell into some green goo…”
“OH ok!”
“what about this dare devil character?”
“well the green goo got in his eyes, so now he can see sound!”
“Fantastic FO”
“GOO!”
“… I like your originality kid… You’ve got yourself a deal!”

Parents would use it to teach their kids things they didn’t want them to know…
“where do babies come from?”
The green goo
“What happened to Kitty?”
The green goo ate him
“mom, why are you and daddy eating the cookies left out for santa?”
Um… uh… GREEN GOO!!!

It was the perfect cover…

>>>>>>>>>ANYWAYS #1

Now that I’m a big college boy, I’ve learned a few things:

1: The art of “mooching” – I think us moochers have gotten a bad rep. for ONE, because of the closeness of the word MOOCH to SMOOCH… and for TWO cuz of the song, “minnie the moocher” I think the moochers of this world are misunderstood, and misrepresented… I think WE deserve a National Moochers Day! I think WE deserve Moochers PRIDE month… I think WE deserve a Moochers Pride Parade! I HAVE A DREAM ladies and gentleman! That some day a moocher would be aloud to adopt a baby from a family that aren’t moochers! We say that all men are born equal… does this not include moochers?!

The problem is people think that we mooch ONLY cuz we’re cheep and trying to take advangage of the other person… NO NO NO! they’ve got it all wrong… really the art of mooching is all about love… You’ve got to have LOVE for the person who’s talking your food without asking… when you see that poor chap that has only but macaroni and cheese for dinner, you get to feel that love for him and let him mooch off of your hamburger helper… common… who’s your neighbor? Who’s your neighbor?

ALSO we’d like to officially recognize September 23, 2009 as Moochers day…
SO to save me time and head aches for having to answer the emails subjected, “how do I celeberate Moochers day?” I’ll just answer it now:

The first thing one must do in celebrating “Moochers day” is to decorate of course! So the best way to do that is get the decorations from your friends… you can use anything you really want really… Toiletpaper…. Cans of TUNA… your FHE partner’s Guitar Hero set… and then once you’re done decorating the house, you sing the traditional moochmas songs, classic favorites like:

“Oh Susana! What’d you bring for me?”
“Old mcdonald HAAAD a cow…”
And the classic, “we WISH you a merry MOOCHMAS” with emphasis on the last verse, “Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
and…
“ we WONT go until we GET SOME!”
… what exactly IS figgy pudding anyway?
Not important…

So at the end of the day, you call up your “most frequently mooched friend.” (MFMF) and then tell them thanks for all the things they do for you… (this ensures another conflict free season of mooching…)

MERRY MOOCHERS DAY EVERYONE!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
You know, you really ought to blog. you've been doing this hilarious news letter for a long time. before blogging was around. it's perfect for a blog. just a thought. you're a funny man mr. jbudd. thanks for the laughs.

- Rachel Clark

>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
That’s what IVE been trying to tell everyone… FINALLY people are getting it! As for the blog… BLOG that Idea! HA!

>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
Mr. JBUDD!!!! I have been waiting ages for this moment! This has just made my year so much better! Keep it goin strong......... You know what I mean (:

-Andrew Dillman

>>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
FIRST of all… that’s DEFINITELY the weirdest smiley I’ve seen (: I can accept bad GRAMMER, and bad SPELLING… but wrong SMILEYS!!! That’s definitely crossing the line… for that! NO MOOCHMAS PRESENT FOR YOU!

>>>>>>>>>COMMENT:
Hello,
hey where have you been recently ? I did not get any mail from you for a long time. Anyway, I found a very quality online pharmacy. I ordered some meds and I got them in 3 days. I remember last time you were asking for a cheap and quality pharmacy.here it is :
Their url : (URL REMOVED)
-Roben Heavens

>>>>>>>>>REMARKS:
Uh… I’m excited to see YOU TOO… Roben… I’m so glad that since we’ve been friends for so long, and since you haven’t seen me for like 21 years that you’d be SOOOO excited to send me this email… And I’m ALSO glad that you care SOOO much for my health that you felt you should send me that URL with so much medicine in it...

Now THAT’S a real friend ladies and gentleman… one who’s willing to sell cheep or illegal drugs to their friends in need…

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week.
I'll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,

JBUDD

PS
Random people are always coming up to me and telling me I look like some celebraty… I KNOW I KNOW, I must just have one of those…. FACES I guess… two common ones I get are: JUDE LAW, and HOUSE…

So GUESS which one I look like more, and if you’re right, I’ll give you a free EMAIL!

(BTW the picture is attached…)

FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN, A BIG FAT SHMLIXTEEN? (Revival)

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.

OOOOHHH YEAAAAH!!! Stretch those arms and fingertips out… WOOOH! Here we are folks… We’re here once again! Can you believe it? Did you do a double take when you saw that email in your inbox? Did your heart drop as if you just received a letter from your long lost lover that you thought died in a fire? Well… I didn’t die in a fire… I just… needed some time to clear my head that’s all… THEN you’re probably gonna think that I’m some proteinic jerk, for faking my death, just to get away from you… then you’ll cry a little, but after some time, the stab will turn into a dull ache, and the humor you once found in JBUDD news will return…
Not much has happened the last two years, so I’ll just jump to the chase… I’m not sure where or what the chase is… but we’re going to be jumping to it… so buckle up…

I was thinking about seatbelts like two days ago… MY WHOLE LIFE I’ve worn this thing… in elementary school that’s the first thing they teach you. Wear a seatbelt. The second is look both ways before crossing the road… the kids that don’t pass THAT test usually don’t make it to the end of first grade, so they figured they’d put it first on the syllabus… I’ve worn that noose we call seatbelts for 20 years… and what has it done for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! It has never once prevented me from dying… and that’s pretty strait across the board for everyone I’m pretty sure… We DEFINITELY wear the seatbelt more when we DON’T need it, than we wear it while crashing into something… I’m pretty sure the ratio is like a billion to one. The only problem is if you’re NOT wearing it when that moment of truth comes, you’re skrewed… So every trip we take, we put it on, knowing that we probably won’t need it, but knowing that someday we might need it, so we just anticipate the day when all of our sweat and pain have paid off… all the times we kinked our arms back and pulled a muscle trying to reach the buckle… all the wasted energy in snapping it in… I think MY first car crash I’m going to be ecstatic. I’m gonna jump out of the car cheering… IT WORKED IT WORKED! for after much labor comes the reward… and that’s the only reward you’re gonna get. A messed up car, and your life…

ANYWAY>>>>>

The summer is coming to the close, and we’re all going to be moving out to college soon… when I say all of us, I mean all those that will be going to college. For those of you that don’t know, I’m going to be going to the place of Logan, to the university they call utah state. I’m moving up on the pyramid, when I left I was at a state college, NOW I’m officially at a University… So you can now start calling me MR. JBUDD…

I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

The best part about switching colleges, and living with a bunch of dudes that you never met, is that they know NOTHING about you! You can just completely rewrite your history, and make stuff up, and they’ll just automatically BELIEVE YOU!… so this is my plan. This isn’t a joke, when I go down to college, I’m changing my name to “rain” when you meet someone new, you ask for their name, and what do they usually say? There name! you don’t second guess it… so since I’m gonna be meeting a LOT of new people, I’m just gonna say I’m rain, and go with a new image… I’m gonna where cowboy boots, ride a horse to school, and in my spare time I’m going to plant corn where the grass used to be by our apartment, to get back to the old farm look that we miss so much… yee haw! Giddy up!

So next time, I’ll report to you guys on how my new nickname is going down there… so thanks for reading, and until next time…. JBUDD OUT!!!!

Well that finishes the Newsletter for this week. If you want to add anyone to our secret community. Have them email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,
JBUDD

P.P.S

If you smell your hands right after you hold a bunch of pennies. You can pretend for a moment that you're actually a robot.

Numero el fifteeno (last one.)

Well Ladymen and GENTLEmen, this may be the last JBUDD NEWZ (ooh, z) ye shall be receiving from me for two years.

SO last time I asked ye where you thought I would be going, and I never actually announced any winners. Here’s what some of YOU guessed:

Kyle Challis: Provo, Utah.
>>>>COMMENT: uh… I think I’d make up a sin just to NOT go there. I’m sorry I commited…. Jazzer…fi…CATION! JAZZERFICATION! Sorry bishop I can’t go! (just kidding. I’d go there if I had to.)

Rachel Holt:
1. Florida? only because I can't spell Louisanna
2. Brazil, because I mean, EVERYONE goes to brazil, its the cool place to be apparently. I wish I was there. think of all those missionaries...mmmm...
3. Poland. uh huh.
>>>>>COMMENT: I don’t know what possessed you to give THREE answers, I specifically asked for ONE! But irregardless, you’re wrong! Get out of here!

Lahindsahee Hatch: ARGENTINA ALL THE WAY BABY!
>>>>>COMMENT: Baby? as in: I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby?

Meagan Bentley:
first of all...Canada
second of all- the beach boys, one of the first boy bands, often speak of
wanting to GET married…
>>>>>COMMENT:
First of all… ok, you’re WRONG
SECOND of all… I know you are but what am I! HA!

Meagan Wyllie: I guess the southwest like Arizona or Texas.
>>>>>COMMENT: OOH, two Meagan’s, and two answers! PARTY!

Brayden Kemp: Witchita, Kanses...or maybe Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...we could be missionary companions...but nonetheless, I am saying, Witchita.
>>>>>COMMENT: first of all, it’s Wichita, I only know that because spell check underlined it. BUT if their actually ARE witches in Wichita, then I think the spelling is robbing the town of some sweet tourism action.

Katie Sparrow (Jack sparrow’s little sister…)
I'm not sure where you'll go...i'm going to say Africa....
>>>>>COMMENT: really? You’re not sure? Africa’s kinda a big guess… You should have just said, “EARTH, I CALL EARTH! NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE IT! NO BATTLE! …. yes!...”



OK, before I announce the winner, I’d like to spank (thank) all the participants, and the good workers here at JBUDD NEWS who spend the time every day editing through all the thousands of emails I get to ensure that only the BEST get in here. ;) and most of all, I’d like to thank myself for writing these. Ok:

I just measured the mileage, and I’d just like to mention that no one was even CLOSE. The closest would be at the horn of Africa measuring 4,727 miles. Congrats captain sparrow, you win! The TOP PRIZE is a picture of me I’ll email you. And in last place was hatch face’s Argentina which is very close to the EXACT OPPOSITE end of the world measuring 11,319 miles! Congrats?


OK, I’ve got a few things to tell ye before I do some rambling.

WHO: YOU
WHAT: ARE INVITED!
WHAT: TO MY FARWELL
WHEN: JUNE 24th, at 9:00am
WHERE: church on the corner of 13400 S and 2700 W in RIVERTON
HOW: dressed in church cloths

Remember those invitations you’d get to like your best friends birthday party? WHO WHAT WHEN WERE HOW! I think the point was to teach the kid how to plan something logically, “wait… I need to tell them WHEN? WHERE? What is this thing? MOM! Plan my party for me!” At least that’s how it was when I was a kid. My friends never planned there birthday party, heck, we would even have our moms CALL the other kid over, “can you have Brandon come over and play with me?” maybe that’s because no one actually WANTED to play with me, so I had to get my mom to talk to there mom and FORCE them to… yeah, being a kid was great. Imagine trying that out now. HEY MOM! Can you force Hillary to go on a date with me? Actually, lets just get married.

****STORY OF THE WEEK****

The day: Tuesday june 19th.
The time: 3:00pm

I was sitting at my house all bored when I went to go into my room to get some shoes to put on, when I noticed my door was turned away from me. MEANING someone was in there. That’s when I heard it, my mother in her best nagging voice says to me, “I wish you’d learn how to use a hanger, I payed blah blah blah suit blah blah blah dry clean.” And of course my defenses are THROWN up! “well I wish you wouldn’t clean my room!” ooh, good comeback! Well she retaliated with something I don’t remember, but this for a moment had me all worked up so I went back upstairs and thought, what if when she came back up, I was gone! The old traditional childhood thought. But don’t discredit me too much, I quickly laughed and thought at how childish I was being. Then I thought about it some more… hey, that would be pretty fun. Just jump on my bike and start riding. I entertained this thought for awhile debating on whether I should or not. So finally I got my sleeping bag, a jug of water and jumped on my piece of HUNK bike. And I said I’d just start riding and fall asleep wherever I ended up. It just so happened to be I was in Provo when it became night time. So long story short I climbed to the “Y” and slept up there. Pretty much was the worst sleep of my life. Not gonna lie.

But I did discover a few things on this long journey all by myself:

Discovery #1:
My back hurts from carrying this stupid sleeping bag with me. Why did I do that?

Discovery #2:
While listening to coldplay and riding your bike, sing along at the top of your lungs. In return you will receive funny looks from passing people. It will make you smile.

Discovery #3:
Hey I found a natural hot spring!

Discovery #4: hiking the Y is really hard after riding 50 miles

Discovery #5: Find level ground to sleep on. Otherwise you’ll keep sliding down towards that 3 foot cliff.

Discovery #6: Sitting down on your bike seat after a day of biking SUCKS.

Anyway….

So then I woke up at 6:00 and jumped on the bus back to riverton and as I did, I pondered a few things:

The bus is REALLY just a waiting room on wheels. You walk up to the receptionist (the driver) He tells you you’re at the right place, and that your destination will be right with you. It’s about a half hour wait. You sit down; you get comfortable, maybe pull out something to read… “I wonder what’s wrong with THAT guy…” Hoping to avoid small talk at any cost.
I wanna hop on a bus that has only one person on it and just sit RIGHT NEXT to them, and not say a word. Maybe even lean on them a little. Now THAT would be awkward. There’s like this unwritten rule that no one can talk. One day before I die, I want those bus doors to open, and as they do, I hear the pounding techno music being blasted in my ears. I walk up to the bus driver (who’s dressed like a clown from the 80’s…) and everyone cheers my name in complete sync, “JBUDD!” There’s drinks, tables, card games. Not too many people are sitting down… I mean, they give you that BAR to hang on to while standing up. Which provides the perfect “flirt stance” for guys and girls, one hand on the bar, the other one CASUALLY in the pocket, or used for the occasional ‘tap on the shoulder’ followed by laughter. Really, the bus should be a GREAT place to meet people. “so… you ride the bus too huh?”
anyway, enough with my fantasy.

I also like to look around at all the signs posted all over. My personal favorite, is the “seeing eye dog” being allowed, as opposed to NORMAL pets not… my first thought is… they’re blind! What good is that picture going to do! But don’t worry the smart people at UTA made sure that all the rules are posted in BRAIL underneath the corresponding picture! I wanna JUST ONCE in my life time, be sitting on the back row of the bus. When this crazy lunatic runs in with his seeing eye dog. Finds the nearest wall and just starts feeling around. “I’VE GOT TO FIND THE RULES! WHERE ARE THEY? There’s a wall here PEOPLE, and I know there’s brail SOMEWHERE on it!” meanwhile, everyone’s just pissed at him as he’s running into them. “No combustibles on the bus? Since when?”


WELL. I’m done. The end.
JBUDD NEWS, adieux.


ps. I wrote a poem real fast
JBUDD news
you are cool
when I was 2
I used to drool

JBUDD news
oh baby
oh baby
JBUDD NEWS! (guitar riff.)
the end.