Tiger Woods Says SORRY! OMG!

For those of you that don’t know, JBUDD NEWS is officially writing, REAL news! Not to say that all the stuff I write here ISN’T true, but even more importantly, not to say that it IS true either.

So I got hired on with our school newspaper to write for them. I’m not sure if you can call it news yet, but it’s definitely written on brownish grey paper. Click on the thumbnail if you wanna read the article.

When you think of a journalist what image comes to mind?

BINGO. That’s right! Scarf man comes to mind. That’s what scared me about this whole newspaper ordeal. For one, I don’t look like scarf man! How am I going to be a journalist? And secondly… I don’t think I’ve ever read a newspaper in my life!

In one of our meetings, they showed us an article, and told us how bad it sucked, and how we need to improve our writing. I’m pretty sure it all went over my head. I think I caught the word, “the” a few times, and maybe an “is” but they were speaking in journalist talk. Something about a lead, and everyone was just like “ I CANT believe she WROTE THAT! She talked about BOOKS? HOW BORING!!!!” ,and I was just like… “YEAH take those leads! And WRITE THEM! GOOD! or GOODLY! Or… WELL-LY…” (nice one… now they’ll think I’m good at English.. yes!)

So I’ve been reading a bunch of newspapers lately trying to get the feel for them, and what caught me by surprise was the FRONT PAGE!

You don’t have to be no journalist to answer this question, but… What do you put on the front page?
You’d probably say, the most important, and most interesting news. So on Friday, I popped open the Deseret News, and was reading the front page. The BIG story was about how TIGER WOODS APOLOGIZES. I was thinking… wow, must be a slow news day. I’m not sure how much they can write about that thing, they pretty much covered it in the headline. If I was writing the story, it would go something like this: “Tiger Woods apologized… he said… ‘SORRY’… ‘uh…woops?’ ‘I won’t do it again?’ ‘Promise?’ The end.” But no, this was the TOP story! I don’t really know all the details on that story, but that’s because I DON’T CARE! I don’t even KNOW the guy! Why do I care if he had like a bajillion affairs? He is not apart of my LIFE! I watch him golf, and say, “wow, that guy can golf.” That’s IT! I don’t care what he had for breakfast, or if he’s married or not. I’m pretty sure when all that crap hit the fan, some guy was sitting down on the couch watching the news sayin, “NO KIDDIN! Tiger Woods was married?”
His apology I care even LESS about, because I don’t think he OWES me an apology! What did he do to me? Apologize to your WIFE man! NOT to me! I don’t know you!

Anyway… after wrestling through that grueling 2000 word article, I turned to the SECOND page, and guess what I found?
“Crazy man runs plane into the IRS building, destroying it ALLL! People DYING! TERRORISM! NATIONAL SECURITY!!!”
What? Page 2? This guy just blew up the IRS building? Isn’t that gonna like MESS everything up? Isn’t that along the same magnitude of the Oklahoma Bombing? The type of stuff that ends up in history books? I will be PISSED if I’m helping my future kids with their history homework, and I pop the book open to the 2010 section, and find a big ol picture of TIGER WOODS! Then somewhere else on the page in fine print, “a man blew up the IRS building this year also. By the way.”

What has the world come to when we're more concerned about random dude's affair, than buildings being blown up, and people dying.

I’m just sayin…

JBUDD OUT!

PS we wrote a new song, check us out here:

McDonalds - The secrets behind the golden arches

I was thinking about a joke my friend made about McDonald's slogan, “It’s what I eat and what I do” Seriously, I don’t get what they’re trying to say with this!

It sounds like a mom trying to get her 400 pound five-year-old outside to get some exercise, and the kid responds with, “THIS IS WHAT I EAT!!! THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! OK?!!” “DON’T MESS WITH ME! THIS is what I’m doing… THIS is what I eat! NOTHING ELSE!!!” the mom asks, “do you want pizza? Do you want to watch a movie?” he responds with, “NO. only THIS. ONLY MCDONALDS is what I DO!” Soon after these kids grow up on this slogan, they’re gonna reach the ripe old age of 80, and realize they haven’t accomplished anything…

“ALL I’ve done is McDonalds my whole life! …” 

THAT’S when the law suits come in… BAD business move in my book. How do you DO McDonalds anyway? I don’t think anyone wants to admit to that slogan. “this is all I eat, and do.” So why do they do it?

Lets look at some slogans from McDonalds past:

     Enjoy the best food at McDonald's (1973) - I recommend you get the BEST food here, in retrospect to all our BAD food…

     We do it all for you (1975) - We love you SOOO much that we serve you transfatty sandwiches to increase your likelihood of death! :)

     Nobody makes your day like McDonald's can (1980-1983) – “I’ll have a big mac… and what they heck, throw in a good day too!”

     That's My McDonald's (1981) – HEY! That’s MY McDONALDS!!! POLICE!

     McDonald's and you (1983) – Their sad attempt to start a speed dating organization

     McDonald's is your place to be (1986) – Do you enjoy sports? Or maybe the great outdoors? Well stop wasting your time, and get down to McDONALDS! Cuz it’s your place to be… We even put in a new BALL pit so you NEVER have to leave… nothing like sleeping on a bunch of hard plastic balls!

     Food, folks and fun (1990) – That’s the three things we got. We got FOOD, Parents, and a BALL pit! (mcdonalds is not responsible for any suffocation/trampling of your child in his feeble attempt to escape.)

     McDonald's Today (1991-1992) – Tired of other BORING newspapers like “New York Times” or “USA Today?” Well subscribe to the new McDonalds’s Today! Where you get DAILY updates on Ronald McDonalds fashion statements, and updates on the polices recent findings of the escaped, “hamburgler.” Also find tips on how to hamburgler proof your house with 25 simple tips by John Walsh! But you ask, “What if I’m a tree hugger and STILL want reliable news?” NO PROBLEM… OUR paper is made entirely out of excess potato skins, ensuring all you hippies all the trees and more to hug. So subscribe and save the planet, one newspaper at a time!


     What you want is what you get (1992) – ever wondered about what you’re going to get? SIMPLE… it’s what you ordered stupid!

     Do you believe in magic? (1993) – They were debating between this one and, “What’s your favorite color?”

     Have you had your break today? (1995-1997) – They were debating between this one and, “How’s it goin?”

     My McDonald's (1997) - My own… my PRECIOUS!!!

     Did somebody say McDonald's? (1997) – am I hearing voices?

     We love to see you smile (2000-2003) – After working long grueling shifts without sunlight or joy… we LOVE to see the rare occasion when someone actually smiles.

     There's a little McDonald's in everyone (2002) – I think I remember on the commercial it had a bunch of people dressed up in lab coats with a voice over that said, “Statistics show, that 10 percent of our body weight is attributed to the transfat from McDonalds…” then a metallic McDonalds crushed the screen, and said, “There’s a little McDonald’s in everyone…”

     I'm lovin' it (2003) – I actually liked this one. Why did they get rid of it?

     It's what I eat and what I do (2005) - yep


     What we're made of (2008-present) – This proves that evolution is false. Naturally you’d think that throughout the life of one of the largest corporations in the world, that the slogans would adapt, and get better and better. Survival of the fittest. But seriously, what are they trying to say? WHAT are you made of?  Is that even grammatically correct?


In other news.  It looks like Jaymin Vickers is the winner of this years Winter Solstice Stache.  He will be recieving one CD of the sweater sweeties christmas album. thank you.

-JBUDD OUT!

A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.

2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 

3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 

4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 

5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…

One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...

9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.

ANYWAY…

The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)


#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)


#5 Lance Hancock

Santa Claus Caught Red Shirt-ed!

What am I doing writing on Christmas eve? Shouldn’t you be frantically waiting with anticipation for Santa to come down my non-existent chimney? Well… Santa has already been spotted… at like 10 o clock this year. He’s starting to have an earlier curfew than I remember. I walked outside this OFFICE I’m presently sitting in, and I screamed, because there he was! The old Nick himself… I heard if you see him in person that your blood BOILS and you melt to the ground and turn to dust… or was that Indiana Jones? Doesn’t matter. But I saw him! He was wearing J-shorts, and a little Santa shirt, and was stuffing the stockings… I gave out a yelp, and he said, “Hey, it’s Santa, dressed up like your dad!” for a moment, I doubted my Santa faith… Had all my prayers to Santa since I was 5 gone to waste? but as the good book says, “you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” And I think that was a big trial just now… and I overcame… and because of that… Santa is going to reach deep into his ever giving bag of mystical wonder, and pull me out a new camero… like the one I saw in Transformers, which I watched for the first time 2 days ago.

One question… why did the cube turn all the electronics into BAD transformers? Where are all the good ones coming from then? Answer THAT my friend… and if they can just choose to be any ol vehicle they wanted, as they suggested when those comet robots hit the ground, and chose the car of their choice to become… then why didn’t they ALL choose to be Really sick fighter Jets? If you can answer both of those questions, I’ll give you a cracker jack maybe. I got this cool new comment box at the bottom of the page, which you can sign in with your facebook account and post… pretty nifty… speaking of… anyone notice the new design of this webpage? I sure did… probably cuz I spent hours figuring out how to web design…

but if you ever are feeling low and blue,

and just need to figure out what to do,

when the tears come streaming down your face,

and you lose something you cant replace,

when all is lost,

and nothing is found,

don’t forget to turn that frown upside down.

Just open up your browser of choice (since there’s like 50 now)

And make a little invoice…

And when I say invoice, I really meant, go to jbuddnews and just admire it’s beauty… and think to yourself… What have I done with my life? Will I ever amount to anything? And when you look at that cool design… you’ll realize, NO… no you won't… so stop waiting for Santa to come down his chimney, cuz he AINT coming for YOU… he only visits people on his NICE list… and sends the rest of the people coal! I wonder where he gets all that coal from… he has to be running some sweat shop to do it. I’m sure he’s breaking labor laws all OVER the place.

If I ever got the coal in the stocking, I think I would just say to myself, “REAL mature Santa… REAL mature! Can you get any more ORIGINAL than that? Haven’t you gotten sick of your little practical joke, coal in the stocking yet? Is it still funny to you?

Actually that must be a pretty funny the first 100 times. When I have kids, I’m gonna try that one out… see if it scars them for life or not… could be a good experiment. They wake up all groggy on Christmas morning, excited to see the toys underneath the tree, and then BAM. NOTHIN! Just a big pile of black coal staining the carpet… and I’ll walk out of my room and be like, “SHOOT!!! TIMMY!! I KNEW you shouldn’t have gotten in a fight with your sister! NOW look what you’ve done! You’ve RUINED CHRISTMAS! NO PRESents for ANYONE!!! Probably the neighbors next door TOO! All because of YOOOUU!!!

What do you think would happen to that kid? Enlighten me….

Well since we’re on the topic of my website… or Santa… whichever… I added a new little button at the top called, “JBUDD FILMS” you should check it out ;) … ONLY while you’re contemplating the meaning of life of course… yes yes yes…

Speaking of JBUDD FILMS… we have released a new movie. Me and my whistling quartet decided to put out a new Christmas album and made a music video to go with it.



The video was inspired while me and Jeremy were sitting in the hallway one night, and started harmonizing our whistles, and started laughing uncontrollably… and “the sweater sweeties” was born. If you have any friends who have shown interest in whistling quartets and completely homo-dancing, be sure to forward the video to them ;)

I think we’ve got time for a comment

****COMMENT****
This will blow your mind... and could be the theme of festivus 2009 stache forever...and i am not going to start mine until saturday...sorry i need to be clean shaven til she leaves right???:)




***REMARKS***
For those of you who don’t know… we’re having a mustache growing contest right now. I probably should have told you guys earlier so you could have joined in too… but maybe next time we’ll have the pictures posted up. And YOU guys get to be judges to ‘audience choice” mustache. Sound gravy? Good. And all you mustache growers out there… explain to me what a mustache is like in 5 words or less. We should be having our festivus party this week sometime. And as the great Coldplay once said… “lets talk… lets ta-a-a-a-alk.” We’ll talk ;) Merry Christmas

JBUDD OUT!!!

P.S.
This is how my stache is doing so far…  and I'm pretty sure this is what I look like whenever I'm writing these things.