Bill Gates Owes Me a Million Dollars...

Oh hey… how’s it going? I feel like I’m talking to someone I haven’t seen in a couple years that I was never really that close to. You get that dry conversation going… oh boy nothing more engaging than participating in small talk.
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty good, how ‘bout you?”
“good”
“so what’ve you been up to?”
“not much, how bout you?”
“you know, same old same old”
“sweet, well nice seeing you again!”
“yeah, see you around sometime”
“yeah, for sure”
“see ya”
“yeah, bye”

Basically that conversation accomplished the same thing as if both parties just stared at each other making a loud moaning sound, “Uhhh…” But for real, when you have those tofu filled conversations, nothing is really being said… there’s no ACTUAL communication going on, we don’t learn more about the other person than before. Really what we’re actually doing is acknowledging that the other person exists. WE KNOW EACHOTHER! I KNOW HIM!!! I hadn’t seen him for awhile and was wondering if he’d gone mute since the last time I saw him, but he definitely did NOT!

I’d love to revolutionize the whole greeting process. That conversation probably would have taken about 20 seconds to fluff through. I think we could improve that time significantly by saying instead, “I acknowledge your existence…” and then move on. No stopping or anything. You both just know that you know each other. And with all that free time saved, we could increase our nations potential output and increase the overall economy, and pull us out of the recession…. Really, all of our economic problems could be led back to small talk…

Anyway… what’s up with me? Well I thought you’d never ask…

School just ended for old JBUDD. It seemed like just yesterday that I was writing in here making fun of old farm. Let’s look into JBUDD past and reflect on this past year… like a clip show if you will:

JBUDD NEWS Aug. 2009
I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

I also said that I was going to tell everyone my name was Rain. That lasted like a week, and I couldn’t take it anymore, it was like part of me was dying every time I was saying it… maybe it was because I’d eventually have to change this newsletter to RBUDD NEWS. Yeah THAT sounds cool. “hey everybody, I just got an RBUDD news in my inbox.!” No one would break out into cheering, singing and dancing like they do with JBUDD news.

Dec. 2009
The rain gutter right above my doorway is broken, which causes some sweet spillage, creating this decent puddle right outside my door. To add fire to the fuel, I live in LOGAN! and if hell was located here, it would indeed be frozen over. So this puddle is soon going to turn into a nice sheet of black ice… NOW all I need to do is slip on it, and break some sweet bone-age, and I can sue for damages! So I’ve been biding my time and waiting for that sweet payout. I just need a couple ace bandages, and I’ll be set!

Remember me saying that? Well guess what? A couple months later they had some guy came out in the middle of the winter and fixed it! I swear they read my post or something. I met this girl who had a job at western watts (the place that I applied at two posts ago) and apparently she posted on HER blog a bunch of crap about the place, and they found it, fired her, and wouldn’t hire one of her friends simply because he KNEW her… So apparently they have some guy search “Western Watts” on Google all day trying to find if any employee is posting garbage about their precious cowboy image that they’re trying to maintain. 1st of all, I would love that job, cuz I’m pretty sure you get to sit around 99 percent of the day doing NOTHING, and 2nd that probably means that I’ve already been black listed several times on their radar. I was hoping to get a job there in the fall, but I’m sure I’ll walk into my interview and bomb the first question”
“What’s your name?”
“JBUDD”
That’s when the little red button underneath the desk is pressed and red lights start flaring as the whole building is evacuated…

So what I’m trying to say is if the company found that on HER blog… Is it outrageous to say that old farm found MY complaint? So in other words… I can get whatever I want by writing it here! MAN I HATE how Bill Gates NEVER gives me a million dollars! GOSH! What a LOSER!!!! GET A LIFE! What, you think going to Africa and trying to stop aids makes up for the fact that I still DON’T have a million dollars?! How selfish of you…

Anyway… To be continued…

Tiger Woods Says SORRY! OMG!

For those of you that don’t know, JBUDD NEWS is officially writing, REAL news! Not to say that all the stuff I write here ISN’T true, but even more importantly, not to say that it IS true either.

So I got hired on with our school newspaper to write for them. I’m not sure if you can call it news yet, but it’s definitely written on brownish grey paper. Click on the thumbnail if you wanna read the article.

When you think of a journalist what image comes to mind?

BINGO. That’s right! Scarf man comes to mind. That’s what scared me about this whole newspaper ordeal. For one, I don’t look like scarf man! How am I going to be a journalist? And secondly… I don’t think I’ve ever read a newspaper in my life!

In one of our meetings, they showed us an article, and told us how bad it sucked, and how we need to improve our writing. I’m pretty sure it all went over my head. I think I caught the word, “the” a few times, and maybe an “is” but they were speaking in journalist talk. Something about a lead, and everyone was just like “ I CANT believe she WROTE THAT! She talked about BOOKS? HOW BORING!!!!” ,and I was just like… “YEAH take those leads! And WRITE THEM! GOOD! or GOODLY! Or… WELL-LY…” (nice one… now they’ll think I’m good at English.. yes!)

So I’ve been reading a bunch of newspapers lately trying to get the feel for them, and what caught me by surprise was the FRONT PAGE!

You don’t have to be no journalist to answer this question, but… What do you put on the front page?
You’d probably say, the most important, and most interesting news. So on Friday, I popped open the Deseret News, and was reading the front page. The BIG story was about how TIGER WOODS APOLOGIZES. I was thinking… wow, must be a slow news day. I’m not sure how much they can write about that thing, they pretty much covered it in the headline. If I was writing the story, it would go something like this: “Tiger Woods apologized… he said… ‘SORRY’… ‘uh…woops?’ ‘I won’t do it again?’ ‘Promise?’ The end.” But no, this was the TOP story! I don’t really know all the details on that story, but that’s because I DON’T CARE! I don’t even KNOW the guy! Why do I care if he had like a bajillion affairs? He is not apart of my LIFE! I watch him golf, and say, “wow, that guy can golf.” That’s IT! I don’t care what he had for breakfast, or if he’s married or not. I’m pretty sure when all that crap hit the fan, some guy was sitting down on the couch watching the news sayin, “NO KIDDIN! Tiger Woods was married?”
His apology I care even LESS about, because I don’t think he OWES me an apology! What did he do to me? Apologize to your WIFE man! NOT to me! I don’t know you!

Anyway… after wrestling through that grueling 2000 word article, I turned to the SECOND page, and guess what I found?
“Crazy man runs plane into the IRS building, destroying it ALLL! People DYING! TERRORISM! NATIONAL SECURITY!!!”
What? Page 2? This guy just blew up the IRS building? Isn’t that gonna like MESS everything up? Isn’t that along the same magnitude of the Oklahoma Bombing? The type of stuff that ends up in history books? I will be PISSED if I’m helping my future kids with their history homework, and I pop the book open to the 2010 section, and find a big ol picture of TIGER WOODS! Then somewhere else on the page in fine print, “a man blew up the IRS building this year also. By the way.”

What has the world come to when we're more concerned about random dude's affair, than buildings being blown up, and people dying.

I’m just sayin…

JBUDD OUT!

PS we wrote a new song, check us out here:

McDonalds - The secrets behind the golden arches

I was thinking about a joke my friend made about McDonald's slogan, “It’s what I eat and what I do” Seriously, I don’t get what they’re trying to say with this!

It sounds like a mom trying to get her 400 pound five-year-old outside to get some exercise, and the kid responds with, “THIS IS WHAT I EAT!!! THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! OK?!!” “DON’T MESS WITH ME! THIS is what I’m doing… THIS is what I eat! NOTHING ELSE!!!” the mom asks, “do you want pizza? Do you want to watch a movie?” he responds with, “NO. only THIS. ONLY MCDONALDS is what I DO!” Soon after these kids grow up on this slogan, they’re gonna reach the ripe old age of 80, and realize they haven’t accomplished anything…

“ALL I’ve done is McDonalds my whole life! …” 

THAT’S when the law suits come in… BAD business move in my book. How do you DO McDonalds anyway? I don’t think anyone wants to admit to that slogan. “this is all I eat, and do.” So why do they do it?

Lets look at some slogans from McDonalds past:

     Enjoy the best food at McDonald's (1973) - I recommend you get the BEST food here, in retrospect to all our BAD food…

     We do it all for you (1975) - We love you SOOO much that we serve you transfatty sandwiches to increase your likelihood of death! :)

     Nobody makes your day like McDonald's can (1980-1983) – “I’ll have a big mac… and what they heck, throw in a good day too!”

     That's My McDonald's (1981) – HEY! That’s MY McDONALDS!!! POLICE!

     McDonald's and you (1983) – Their sad attempt to start a speed dating organization

     McDonald's is your place to be (1986) – Do you enjoy sports? Or maybe the great outdoors? Well stop wasting your time, and get down to McDONALDS! Cuz it’s your place to be… We even put in a new BALL pit so you NEVER have to leave… nothing like sleeping on a bunch of hard plastic balls!

     Food, folks and fun (1990) – That’s the three things we got. We got FOOD, Parents, and a BALL pit! (mcdonalds is not responsible for any suffocation/trampling of your child in his feeble attempt to escape.)

     McDonald's Today (1991-1992) – Tired of other BORING newspapers like “New York Times” or “USA Today?” Well subscribe to the new McDonalds’s Today! Where you get DAILY updates on Ronald McDonalds fashion statements, and updates on the polices recent findings of the escaped, “hamburgler.” Also find tips on how to hamburgler proof your house with 25 simple tips by John Walsh! But you ask, “What if I’m a tree hugger and STILL want reliable news?” NO PROBLEM… OUR paper is made entirely out of excess potato skins, ensuring all you hippies all the trees and more to hug. So subscribe and save the planet, one newspaper at a time!


     What you want is what you get (1992) – ever wondered about what you’re going to get? SIMPLE… it’s what you ordered stupid!

     Do you believe in magic? (1993) – They were debating between this one and, “What’s your favorite color?”

     Have you had your break today? (1995-1997) – They were debating between this one and, “How’s it goin?”

     My McDonald's (1997) - My own… my PRECIOUS!!!

     Did somebody say McDonald's? (1997) – am I hearing voices?

     We love to see you smile (2000-2003) – After working long grueling shifts without sunlight or joy… we LOVE to see the rare occasion when someone actually smiles.

     There's a little McDonald's in everyone (2002) – I think I remember on the commercial it had a bunch of people dressed up in lab coats with a voice over that said, “Statistics show, that 10 percent of our body weight is attributed to the transfat from McDonalds…” then a metallic McDonalds crushed the screen, and said, “There’s a little McDonald’s in everyone…”

     I'm lovin' it (2003) – I actually liked this one. Why did they get rid of it?

     It's what I eat and what I do (2005) - yep


     What we're made of (2008-present) – This proves that evolution is false. Naturally you’d think that throughout the life of one of the largest corporations in the world, that the slogans would adapt, and get better and better. Survival of the fittest. But seriously, what are they trying to say? WHAT are you made of?  Is that even grammatically correct?


In other news.  It looks like Jaymin Vickers is the winner of this years Winter Solstice Stache.  He will be recieving one CD of the sweater sweeties christmas album. thank you.

-JBUDD OUT!

A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.

2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 

3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 

4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 

5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…

One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...

9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.

ANYWAY…

The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)


#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)


#5 Lance Hancock