Recent Discoveries in JBUDDtopia

I realize that I’ve been neglecting lately the news about JBUDD, so I’m dedicating this newsletter to “Seeing the world through the eyes of JBUDD” which translates into JBUDD news.

Through my travels here at USU I’ve found many interesting discoveries and hidden things:

Discovery #1

Longest stairs

Discovery #2

Weirdest shaped desk.

I don't know who’s the genius engineer behind this masterpiece. “we want the desk to be able to be written on… BUT only on PARTS of it! Lets put random nooks and holes on it just to make life hard!

Discovery #3
Shortest drinking fountain.

I literally had to Indian sit on the floor to drink out of it. It’s like a foot off the ground! If you’re that small, I don’t think you’re going to have the muscle capacity to push that hard medal button down to make water come out…

Discovery #4
Most provocative grocery store.

Discovery #5
Creepiest elevator.

I was wandering in some of the most hidden parts of campus and I found an elevator, pushed the button and when the door opened, I was instantly petrified. I was like SCARED to go in. I’m not sure why…

Discovery #6
No matter what bathroom you walk into anywhere at a given moment, there will be at least ONE unflushed urinal.

Discovery #7
Best personal ad.

It reads, “Girlfriend turned into lord voldomort. $2000 Never worn.” I love seeing all the wedding rings on the bulletin board, cuz you KNOW every single one of them were failed attempts of proposing. I think it should be a requirement to include the story in the ad, “I THOUGHT she liked me, so I sold everything I had and bought this shiny rock, thinkin that would make her want to marry me… and apparently life’s not a Taylor Swift music video.” Tough lesson to be learned Billy… Tough lesson…

Discovery #8
Coolest shower.

This thing had 5 showerheads shooting at me. There is no WAY you can’t have a great day after that. It’s like sitting in a hot-tub without the tub, but might make for an awkward social gathering. “Hey, wanna come to my place and take a shower? NO DON’T WALK AWAY! It’s COOL I SWEAR!! It’s got FIVE heads! FIVE!” gets them every time…

Discovery #9

Heh heh heh…

Discovery #10
Best hotel shirt ever. (not that I see too many people strutting around with them  “That’s right… Best Western… That’s the only place I’ll sleep when I travel. Won’t have it any other way.”)

It reads: Rattle snake Inn: The snake awaits...

Discovery #11
I thought this was funny.

Some kids write, “we cook for girls!” hoping to get some sweet action from the babes flocking to their door to take them up on their offer. So their neighbors write, “Girls cook for US!” In hopes that these same babes will be flocking to their door! ...holding a casserole. Finally the brilliant guys below them write, “We cook girls…” and probably rolled out their 150 Gallon cauldron hoping for girls to jump in. My guess is none of their dreams became realities… Just a wild guess… or hope… “3 freshman from BYU arrested for cooking girls” That would definitely give you creeper status.

Well that’s all the discoveries I have for today. If you or your friends have any discoveries or success stories, email them to clubfilm@gmail.com and if any of you want to receive these newsletters by email, just type your email into that little box in the top right corner of the screen.

Thanks for coming. see you all next week.

Your friend,

JBUDD

What's with the blood, Budd?

You know, somehow we always get on the topic of donating blood. Did you know that there are about 30 newsletters written here at JBUDD NEWS, and 3 of them are about donating blood! That’s 10%! That’s like TITHING! If anyone asks if JBUDD News pays tithing you say, “yes, in blood”
Anyway…

I don’t know WHY I want to get my blood out of me so bad, maybe it’s the high blood pressure. I always figured if someone has high blood pressure, shouldn’t the obvious remedy be to get some blood out of them? Relieve the pressure?


Anyway...
While I was having flash backs of past horror stories I heard the soothing word of one Bob Marley playing over the PA system:

“Don’t worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright!” I think they were playing that on purpose. They’re really just saying, “Don’t freak out, and flail your arms, cuz we don’t want your blood, on our lab coats!”

So the lady starts up again with the hocus pocus vein check… I think that I’m just hoping that magically my veins are gonna get bigger or something, like I’m in denial or something.

“I’ve got big veins! I can be cool too guys!”

For some reason this lady felt confident that she could do it. She stuck the needle in and it felt good. She started up the machine and we ran into problems. It wasn’t sucking enough blood… so she grabs the next labcoat lady next to her… and I’m starting to get dejavou as she starts twisting the needle around and making it HURT instead.

“THERE’S the problem, he’s not feeling any PAIN yet!”

SHE couldn’t get it, so finally they call MIKE over. At that point I’ve had enough. This is EXACTLY how the last one went and the third guy ALWAYS punctures the vein. So I threw in my towel.

But on the bright side… I still got the free t-shirt.

I found it a little funny. It reads, “TRUE Aggies bleed BLUE!” and it has some blue bull chasing a red U away… What are they trying to say? They’ve got freshman lined up on these beds trying to figure out where their loyalty belongs to. “TELL ME OH BLOOD WHICH SCHOOL I BELONG TO!!!” the blood starts pouring into the bag, the nurse yells out, “WE GOT ANOTHER RED ONE!” the kid yells, “NOOOO!” as the Student Body president wheels him out of the room and pushes him down the stairs. What do they plan on happening when they found the kid that bleeds blue?

“…YOUR KING!... we have found the true blooded Aggie!” everyone bows to the ground…

Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool to say you bleed blue, but when it’s a concrete situation where you are undoubtedly going to SEE the blood… We all know what color is REALLY gonna come out. You’re just gonna be crushing all the freshman’s dreams of ever becoming true Aggies.

“I’ll NEVER be good enough to be a true aggie!!!”

“Just give up and QUIT while you’re ahead BILLY, because you’re just gonna fail anyway… YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU SUCK!!!!”

The End.


(This next part is an old bit from a previous post that I don't want to lose.  So I'm putting it here instead.)

Physicals always scare me, cuz I never know what to expect…

“so… are you going to do the whole drop your pants thing or not… Just tell me now, so we can get the awkwardness out of the way…”

Its like dropping your date off at the doorstep, and there’s that awkward pause because both parties don’t know what the other ones expecting… he should just tell me at the beginning… get it out of the way. “You’re pants are staying on…” BAM done…

I figure that would have to be the most degrading job… checking guys for hernias… there’s no… COOL way to do it… you can never be SLY about it. I mean you’re going in for a serious violation! It’s a penalty! on the offense! 10 yards back man! Common! You cant just be like, “so how’s school going for you man?” then right before he answers, throw in the quick, “by the way can you drop the pants?” then continue the small talk… “OHHH… schools GREAAAT! … uh hem… ” it’s definitely a delicate time under that pressing situation. You monitor your responses very carefully, to avoid any 10 second violations…

“On a scale from 1-10 how do I stand?” I’ve always have wanted to throw that one out there… get some insights from him…
The only problem is if he said TEN, it definitely would make the rest of the interview awkward…

How many of you remember your first physical! You BET you do! That is a significant landmark in a boys life:

"I was Born, learned to walk, first day of school… got violated by some doctor… got married, had kids, died…"

Lucky for ME, I knew what was coming, but you know that SOME little Timmy wasn’t as informed.
We’ve been to the doctor many times prior to this! and everything was fine! they stick that light thing in your ear… YEP still got holes there! In my plasma physical, the guy shoved it up my NOSE! first time THAT’s ever happened to me… not sure what he was planning to see… just checking if I’m a regular picker or not. I guess that’s a requirement…

But eventually one of these physicals is gonna have a strange twist for poor little Timmy. He’s sitting on that little midget bed, laying on that scientifically engineered butcher paper that crumples at your every movement. Then little Timmy’s mom stands up and walks out of the room. He starts to panic. The door closes, and he turns his head abrasively to see the doctor eying him down with a grin… and the doctor turns to him and says: 

“Alrighty Timmy, your ears look fine… how bout we take off those pants of yours!”
Timmy’s world as he knows it, come crashing as if, to a boiling crater of lava…

The doctor’s office it’s kind of a scary thing. You’re in this small room… a bunch of strangers keep walking in and out. Checking the mighty clipboard of truth and justice… and giving suspicious glances at you while turning the paper intrusively, “REALLY… ew…” 

I’ve always wondered what they’re doing when they’re gone. Like there’s something seriously wrong with me, that they can’t just STAY and complete the exam…

“yeah… about that… I think I left something in my CAR!” 

You hear the tires squeal and look out the window to see the doctor driving away in his convertible laughing. Your clipboard papers are flying thru the air, eating the car’s dust…
It kind of scares me. Like I have something seriously wrong that they have no idea what it is. So they go out and talk with other doctors:

“he has what?”
“I think I’m going to be sick!”
They’re all in the back looking it up on WebMD.(tm)

I always thought it would be funny to play a joke on the doctor when he comes back in. He opens the door, and you’re standing on the table naked with the stethoscope…
“well… it seems to be… AAH!” drops his clip board
“oh, sorry… I was just… uh… never mind…” 

Cowboys and Indians, that racist little game...

Cowboys and Indians, what a racist game we teach our children. “Alright Billy, you’re a redneck cowboy from the dirty south, and Timmy you’re a savage Indian. You HATE each other! Can you feel the hatred?! FEEL IT! One two three HATE!! HATE DANG IT!!!!” and then they start beating up on each other –SMACK- -CRACKLE- -POP- as you casually walk away to get some rice crispy treats.

No better way to teach about racism than cowboys and Indians. The kids come inside crying all beat up.
“Now what did we learn today kids?”
“Cowboys are sons of a…”
“That’s right Timmy, racism is BAD. Now lets turn on the ‘I love you’ Barney tape, to wash the enmity out of you!”

Well that’s how I’M going to raise my kids… I’m not sure about you guys…

To me, cowboys almost make sense. They live where the sage brush grows, eat dirt for breakfast, drink, and gamble. I mean who WOULDN’T want to do that? I just feel for the poor sheriff. I’m not sure how they find a guy for this job, because he always ends up dead by the time the credits scroll.

The bandits show up into town:
“Alright the bank is a block east from here, the bar is next to the bank, and the sheriff is roaming the streets ready to duel.”
“So what’s our plan?”
“Rob the bank, shoot the sheriff, and then get some shots of whiskey?”
“How bout we get the whiskey, shoot the sheriff, then rob the bank?”
“What if we rob the sheriff, shoot the bank, then drink the whiskey?”

I don’t know… the bottom line is the Sheriff ends up dead either way…

I believe the number one cause of death for the Sheriff is DUEL. They’re filling out the accident report, “how the accident occurred: DUELED, and got shot in the heart.” I wonder if there’s a way to collect workmen’s comp for that? DEFINITELY a work related accident…

I never have understood the duel; I just don’t see the logic in it. For those of you who have never seen one, the two cowboys stand back to back, and mark out a couple of paces away from each other and then turn around staring deep into each other’s eyes. The goal is to shoot the other varmint before he shoots YOU. So they stare deep at each other trying to read when the other one draws so they can try and draw a little bit faster, and they have a twitchy hand next to the gun, trying to fake the other guy out. “oh, I’m gonna go NOW, no NOW, haha tricked you!” -BOOM- He’s dead.

I don’t think dueling is the time to pump fake. Basketball, football, or even GOLF, FINE do it. But DUELING?! Why would you EVER want someone to THINK you’re going, and then NOT ACTUALLY GO? And they’re always trying to go AFTER the other person starts drawing, like there’s some advantage to that or something? The way I see it is whoever grabs their gun the first will always be ahead by at least half a second! So why wait?! Why not just turn around grab your gun and shoot?! What’s this whole psychology twitchy hand voodoo crap going on. Just shoot him!

Anyway… I guess that’s why I was always the Indian…

Columbus Sailed that Ocean Blue

I was reading an economics book called, “The World is Flat” and the very beginning the author told the story of Columbus.  HE thought the world was round, and everyone else said it was FLAT.  So he said, “I’ll show them” and in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  He was originally going to take off in 1491, but could only come up with thumb, run, and plum as rhymes.  “1491, Columbus stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum… ACK! terrible rhyme.  Let’s wait another year!”

When he made it to America he discovered a bunch of dark skinned people, and had innocently mistaken them for Indians.  You think they would have planned ahead a little and brought someone who could speak Indian, “HALLO THERE! TANK YOU COME AGAIN!”  Don’t know what their plan was showing up all casual, “hey guys!  How’s it going? Oh, we’re just stopping by.  Just wanted to say hi to our neighbors on the other side of the Atlantic!  Yep It took us 3 months to get here… and we thought we were dead, and we almost had a mutiny… ha ha…. Ha…” the Indians stared back blankly… “Well, we… we weren’t planning on staying long… ACTUALLY we were just leaving!”  That’s when the sta. Maria squealed away.

When did it hit them that it wasn’t India?  They’re sailing back and Columbus says,  “hey Eric the terrible… psss… over here… Did you notice any call centers while we were there?

“No”

“(gasp)  GREAT SCOTT!”

I think Columbus’s simple mistake has been the biggest typo left on world history…. How long ago was that? Some 600+ years?    And… WE STILL CALL THEM INDIANS?  You think that would have been handled very promptly right then and there…

There couldn’t have been more than100 people on those ships, Columbus could have called a meeting together, “alright me mateys,  We ORIGINALLY THOUGHT that we were in India.”

“(Cheers and grunts)”

“BUT we were wrong!”

“(grumble grumble grumble)"

“This is AMERICA!  So instead of calling them INDIANS, because they’re not… NO Jósurr, they’re NOT… we’re going to start calling them NATIVE AMERICANS… can you say that with me?”

“(all together) Native Ameriplanes?”

“YES.  NATIVE AMERICANS…” more slowly than the first…

That’s all you had to do Columbus… when the people got back to Spain they would have been like, “WE DISCOVERED THE NATIVE AMERICANS!!!” 

And everyone would have been like, “Native Americans, what a brilliant discovery!  We’ll give Columbus a giamungous medal for this discovery!”

And to this day, instead of kids playing cowboys and Indians, they would be playing cowboys and Native Americans…

To be continued…