Ode to Car - and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire (part3)

Click here for part one and part two

***COMMENT ***
You forgot the part where we had to remove half of the bottom of that small land yacht to replace the fuel pump. 
     -R Blake

***RESPONSE***
Oh yes MR Blake.  How could I forget?

Story Title:
JBUDD: and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire

I got my new grandpa car, I was on top of the world!  Driving from place to place, buying groceries all by myself, going to pick up a movie at the local Hastings, driving to friends' places.  Life was exuberant to say the least.  To show my gratitude for the car dubbed, "The USS BUDD"  I tried to park next to other grampa cars whenever possible so the land yacht had company through the night.

 

I took it to a gas station round here called, "Aggie Station" and did the whole voodoo "pay outside" put in your card thing.

After swiping my card, I was completely lost.  Don't get me wrong, I've filled up a car with gas before, but this one was... DIFFERENT.  There was like no button to choose the grade of gas to use, and they had some ghetto sign hanging on the pump.

Terrified and lost, I canceled the transaction and got the "H" out of there, went to 7-11, filled up my car, got back in, turned the ignition, and heard the dreaded sound.  I'll try and reenact it for you, it goes something like this, "jitititititirrrrrriititititi"

People started to look at me.  A tough yet attractive girl came over and said, "It's an alternator problem.  Happened to me not long ago"

Later some dude came over, "It's your fuel injectors."

That seemed a little more plausible to me, since the problem sounded like a lack of fuel and not electrical until finally my battery died.

A newly engaged couple offered to tow me back to the Old FARM parking lot, where my car sat for the next few months.  Laying as lifeless as an inadament object can lay.  Gathering snow, as the other "popular" cars'  snow were being scraped off everyday.

I resorted back to the transportation that I've used since I was born - walking.  I was used to it, so I didn't have any problem with it, and almost convinced myself that I never even HAD a car.  It was just a dream.

The hustle and bustle of college life diminished as the semester dwindled to an end.  The USS BUDD still lied motionless.  I had to get him out of there.  I couldn't leave my loyal friend behind!  I was determined that we were going to bust out of the "old farm," and we were going to do it TOGETHER.

The day before I was forced out of my apartment, my friend "R Blake" helped me to fix it.  We spent 5 hours on our backs trying to unriddle this problem like some sick bewitched game from Harry Potter.

"The task is to replace the fuel pump from the chamber of gas.  However, to get INSIDE the chamber, you must remove the tank that is full of molten gas without spilling a drop on your robes.  A drop of muggle gas is equivalent to the sting from a viper.  To remove the tank, you must get past the fire-y exhaust pipe from the catalyst converter.  To achieve this, you must get past the U ring that has been enchanted with 17 years of rust."

However bleak this may sound.  you will be excited to know, that we did it... we GOT the sorcerers stone! I MEAN fuel pump!

THE END...

some pictoral evidence:

PS:  NEW VID - a 30 second short called, "epic Distraction

Ode to Car - Part 2

Click here for part one

Having a car opens many windows that non car people can’t do. For example: The drive thru window.

They’re always trying to give you some new crap item you don’t want.

You drive up.
“wanna try our new hot and spicy chicken pot pie?”
“um… no thanks, I’ll have 3…” (looking at the dollar menu of course.) “McBurgers no seeds on the bun…”


They’re always trying to give you some garbage item that they can't find any other way to sell.  Just once I'd like to turn the tables back on THEM.
“would you like to try our new…”
“NO thanks, but you know, I’ve got an old microwave in the back of my car, it’s missing the turntable plate, but... do you want it?”

See how THEY like it.

In McDonald's, EVERYTHING is Mc. For example: They’ve got McMuffins, McChicken, McGrittles, Big Mc, etc.
I think their naming team has the easiest job in the world.

”what should we call it?”
“well what is it?”
“It’s a salad…”
“hmm... how 'bout McSalad?’
“BRILLIANT, STEVE! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!”
(As they hand him fist fulls of cash.)

You know a lot of millionaires today had their first job at McDonald's.  It’s true! Bill gate’s first job was at McDonald's. It takes someone of initiative and ingenuity to walk in through those golden arched McDoors, fill out a McApplication with your McPencil, hoping to make more than McMinimum-wage, aspiring to someday become the “McManager.”

I think that’s why it turns out so many brilliant people. Bill gates came to a point of his life and said, “I want to be the McFounder-of-Microsoft and I want to make an operating system called “McDOS” and as we all know the story, he quit McDonald's that day, and became the richest man in the world. THE END

To be continued...

PS

Youtube now allows 15 minutes of video, so I released the FULL version of "The Apartment" with 2 1/2 minutes more. Just in case you didn't get the memo on facebook.

Ode to Car - The 1993 Mercury Cougar Edition

If JBUDD NEWS was my child, and I was it’s parent, social workers would be on my case about neglect by now. I would then start to wonder, “how did THEY know I was neglecting my child?” Then I’d be suspicious of my neighbors and friends whom I confided my secret. That would probably ruin our relationships, and make me not trust anyone. I’d probably hide in my house, holding a shotgun, peaking thru the blinds at passing neighbor kids while little JBUDD NEWS was crying in the crib.

That sounds like WAY too much drama for me. So instead, I’m just going to write today:

I just got done with fall break today, and I must say, this weekend was DEFINITELY one the top 500 weekends of my LIFE, putting another 350 miles on my car.

I don’t think my car has ever had a formal introduction. I call her, “the USS Budd.” This to-scale picture should give you a good idea as to why.

The story goes like this:

I was walking by the classified listings in the student center, and there she was, in all her baby blue grampa glory…

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t fall INSTANTLY in love. It was when I took a look at the PRICE! “$800?” I said to myself, “I think I got that.” I called hobo man up, and we set an appointment in two hours to test it out.

As I approached the corner of 7th and 8th I saw a big hobo looking man on the corner, and judging by the description given me, I stereotypically reasoned it must be him.

Looking back, I don’t know WHY I actually bought it. The whole thing was super shady. The guy was trying WAY too hard to convince me how cool it was. He was selling me on all the repairs he had ALREADY done on it! “I put like $1,600 into repairing this thing. I had to replace the tail lights, the hoses, the power steering pump, etc. ...That window's SUPPOSED to make those noises when it goes down like that...”

Well is it working NOW? Can I DRIVE it? Is it going to spontaniously explode on me?

So I bought it.

I decided if I’m gonna own a grandpa car that I got from some shady hobo, I should learn a little something about auto mechanics.

I went to the local library to try and find some material on the thing, and found a common theme among the “do-it-yourself” books. They are depressing. The most POPULAR in this genre is the, “For Dummies” series. If you took every dummies book and stacked them, it would be higher than the twin towers... PUT TOGETHER.

They’ve got "Automotives for Dummies," "How to Spank Your Children for Dummies." When you pick up the book, you are blatantly telling yourself. I AM A DUMMY! That’s gotta do a number your self esteem after a few years. "I was going to mow the lawn today, but then I realized I'm just a big fat ugly DUMMY! I don't even know how to mow my own lawn! I'm reading this BOOK to try and help me, and it's just MAKING FUN OF ME!!!"

So I decided that I want to come up with a whole new line of books and just call them, “YOU SUCK!” No more beating around the bush.

“YOU SUCK, at life!" "YOU SUCK, at automotives!" "YOU SUCK, at brushing your teeth!” after I drive people to depression, I’ll make another line of self help books, “YOU SUCK, at killing yourself. Don’t even try…” First drive them to depression, and then make millions trying to fix them.

To be continued...

PS
New vid:



THREE doors: The one on the left is blank, the one in the middle has a male bathroom sign hanging on it, and the one on the right has a female bathroom sign.

The experiment was to see if people would go through their own specified gender-ed door out of sheer Social conformity. (Hey, you don't want people to think you're a girl if you're NOT!)

King of the Playground

Well we’re all starting to get back to the swing of life… During summer break we had the opportunity to “jump out” of our swings. With a nice temporary rush from flying thru the air, coming to a climatic crash with the ground. But now it’s time to jump back on, start pumping again, and work our way back up to our repetitive lives.

Some of you might not be quite there. Some of you might still be immature and are swinging on your stomachs. Which seemed like a good idea at first, but you soon realize that all your blood has rushed to your head, and you’re starting to feel sick.

Remember those good ol’ elementary recess days? Swings… monkey bars… SLIDES!
You know I think that these were all failed attempts of our parents trying to kill their kids.

“why don’t you climb up that really tall ladder up there, and go down that metal surface with temperatures near liquid magma, and lets see if you can break the land speed record.”

That’s what we were all trying to do in our childish minds. We weren’t there to ‘have fun’ we were there to break some world records. Remember that first time down the slide?

      “you want me to do what!.... WHY!!!.... yeah you’ll catch me…right! Why should I trust you! Oh you got candy? Ok!”

Kids live on candy. When you’re a kid, nutrition is buskins. All that other food was grown up food. But KIDS… THEY ATE CANDY. Candy was OUR food. It was our medicine.
       “I’m feeling a tummy ach coming on.”
       “I recommend 1 pack of smarties!”

Smarties I’m pretty sure in every kids life was one point used as medicine.

As a kid your status in the classroom all depended on how you performed out on the field. Remember that kid that could do the back flip out of that swing? Yeah, he was cool. He could be the dorkiest kid in class. But if he pulled off that back flip. He became the new idol. He was like Anubis mated with Venus, and that’s the god that came out. The back flip god. We actually built alters to that god. Out of our soft padded gravel ground.

I want to meet the guy who invented the idea of gravel. I want to have him take a look at all the scars in my hands and knees and make him pay for all my lost childhood. Since when was using rocks to break your fall the best solution. And who decided to give us authority to have USE of these rocks. These weapons of mass destruction. I think there has been more scrapes and injuries caused by gravel then any other medium on the planet. Kids throwing it at eachother. Little Timmy is eating it in the corner. The new challenger to the land speed record on the slide makes one wrong calculation and goes flying into this buckshot called gravel….

Remember having to pick the rocks out from beneath your skin? Remember that kid who DIDN’T cry when he got hurt? Yeah he was like Ra and Aphrodite mated. A bird woman. The goddess bird of… not crying. Yeah that kid was cool. But not as cool as back flip kid. I never became backflip kid. I still envy back flip kid. Back flip kid is STILL one step higher then me.

THE END

PS
As some of the old timers that haven't yet been offended as of yet and are still reading this probably noticed.  (that sentence receives the crappiest worded sentence award.  I don't feel like fixing it.  FIGURE IT OUT!)
This is an old post from January 14, 2007.  I was reading through some JBUDD archive and I found this and laughed.  (Is it wrong to laugh at your own stuff? IDK)

PPS
I realized that I never posted my latest movie!  This is the most professional video I've ever made.
DISCLAIMER - NOT FUNNY   (but it's interesting.) (There's two parts to it, so find the other half.  FIGURE IT OUT!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odJIjk-I0YM