What to do next time you're on fire

We're all in the same fish bowl of life. Running over the same old grounds. All meeting at one common place we call… JBUDD NEWS.

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I just got done with EFY. One thing that caught my attention is those little braille signs everywhere. Every class room, elevator and emergency exit has some braille written under it. I'm sure you've seen them. I'm sure some congressman 20 years ago thought it was a brilliant way of helping the blind, but lets be honest: How many times have you ever seen a blind person just hugging the walls and FEELING around? "I KNOW THERE'S SOME BRAILLE SOMEWHERE! You can't hide forever!"

Next time I see a two blind guys, I might be tempted to pull the fire alarm.
"START FEELING AROUND BILLY! WE GOT TO FIND THE FIRE ESCAPE PLAN!"

In the dorms I was staying in, it had the escape plan written inside each room with a little map. I can understand the map if you've got some secret passages in the building, but most of us know where the front door is. I was looking at it, and basically it had a red arrow directing me outside. I was thinking, "OH, so if there's a fire, I want to go OUTside! OH OK! My original plan was to run TOWARDS the fire!"

If there's fire in your hall, my first response isn't going to be. "Hmm... I wonder if there's any good literature posted on the wall..." It's gonna be, "AAAAHHH! fire fire fire fire!" I might be jumping through my glass window, or maybe doing some stop drop and rolls. I'm not going to be looking for the fire escape plan!

Stop drop and roll. Isn't that a convenient little rhyme. I'm convinced that it's not coincidence, because that's not how we practiced it. In our extensive elementary training on the subject, it was more: "lay down and roll!" I would, however, enjoy seeing someone who actually was on fire running around then suddenly stop like they hit a brick wall, going completely limp like they're dead, and then start rolling around. Actually, now that I mention it, just seeing someone on fire would be pretty funny. ESPECIALLY if they were running around frantically. you know what I would tell him? "STOP DROP AND ROLL! JUST STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

That phrase was pounded into our heads while going thru our school systems. When we were in Kindergarten they taught the system like so:
"Mr. Biggles (who just happens to be an imbecile (and a bunny rabbit)) was playing with matches. He lit himself on fire. What should he do?"
Kids hands shoot up in the air.
"Billy?"
"not play with matches!"
"Very good Billy, but he's alREADY on fire. So it's a little too late for that isn't it?"
(Billy cowers in the corner.)
"Timmy? you got the answer?"
"Is it... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"correct. One gold star for Timmy!"

When we're in 8th grade it gets a little tougher:
"OK twerps. Lets say you and your punk friends are riding the bus. 14 kids are girls, and 15 are guys. The bus driver is from Mexico. 8 of you leave the bus when a Shiite jumps out from the bushes with a flame thrower and torches 3 of your friends dead, and leaves you on fire... what do you do?"
Kids pencils are flying.
"14 girls? (scratch scratch scratch) Mexican... (scratch scratch)"
Smart kid raises his hand.
"Yoshi?"
"is the answer... Stop Drop and Roll?"
"3 Gold Stars for Yoshi."
"Hip hip hurray! hip hip hurray!"

at least that's how it was in MY school...

***Story of the Week***
This story dates back to Aug. 16 2007 when I was in the MTC.

I woke up to an alarm that I've never heard of before. After a few beeps I decided in my mind "That's the fire alarm!" so very robotically I got out of bed and flipped on the light to the groan of everyone in the room. I went and shook my companion awake. "hey the fire alarm's going off!" So we all woke up, I very quickly grabbed my name tag, wallet, and sandals and took off towards the exit in hopes to get my companion to hurry up. I was kind of excited about the whole thing and secretly wanted it to be real. I looked at my watch. 5:00am.

Finally my companion came and we went outside as the whole building of elders started to congregate. The Samoans and Tongans looked like they were going to freeze to death and one had a giamungus blanket and was still shivering. Everyone was in a zombie like daze when I finally came to my senses as I thought to myself out loud, "why am I wearing my name tag?" to the laughter of everyone around me.

Finally security shows up and clears the building and finds the problem. Someone wanted to microwave popcorn at 5 in the morning. He probably woke up in the middle of the night and looked at that popcorn and said to himself, "I cannot sleep another minute until the popcorn is UP IN FLAMES! so we all went back to bed a little more pissed than normal.

Security knocked on our door.
"did any of you guys do it?" and we told him "no." When he left McFarland said, "It was ME! I got up, put the popcorn in for 30 minutes then went back to bed!" must have been the time of the night, but it seemed really funny. The next day, we were pestering an elder about it we said, "Elder Meyers! why did you catch your popcorn on fire?" and he shot back. "well... I like my food HOT!" in a matter of fact way.

I recently ran into this elder Meyers at EFY (he was working too.) and caught a candid stalker shot of him. Enjoy.

Well that finishes the Newsletter. Remember, JBUDD NEWS is best read in email form, so if you haven't already, subscribe by email by putting your email in the box at the top right side of the page that says, "subscribe by email." Or if that sounds too hard, email clubfilm@gmail.com and put the subject as, "ADD"

Remember#2 - JBUDD NEWS want to hear from you, so if you have any success stories or comments, email clubfilm@gmail.com and you might just make it into the newsletter.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

JBUDD

Recent Discoveries in JBUDDtopia #2

Remember that one time that I spent like 3 posts ranting about how cool my car was?  Well either do I...  I really don't know how to break it to you guys in any soft squishy way, but... The USS Budd is dead.  It was assassinated Thursday morning.  ALIENS, actually came and invaded the earth.  I bet you guys didn't hear about that one...  It's that dang liberal media distorting the truth again.  If America knew aliens were here.  George Bush would somehow end up as president again.  It's just the inconvenient truth.

How do I know aliens are here?  Well if we learned nothing else from Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds, it's that when ALIENS come.  Cars die.  I don't remember WHY exactly, but it had something to do with the aliens wanting their solenoids back.  "HEY, these guys got SOLENOIDS in their cars!  Only ALIENS get to have weird names like solenoid..."

So they shot their solenoid deflector ray, and all the cars wouldn't start... Except Tom Cruise's car.  His car started.  Why?  because HE'S TOM FREAKIN CRUISE!  He does what he WANTS!

So in memory of the USS BUDD.  I discovered some new discoveries.  (that's the only way to get 'em):

Discovery #1

My car is WEAK sauce!

You know what's going on there?  It's STUCK!  STUCK?! HOW?! WHERE?! WHY?!  Yep.  It's stuck alright.  I was going thru a pretty decently sized dip.  I slowed down so my extremely long and low bumper wouldn't break the road in half.  and... It got stuck.  It's not a BIG dip, but it was dippy enough...  There was a person behind me, and he was like, "what the heck?!"  I don't know how you communicate this to complete strangers, "I need a push!"  Maybe they should come up with an international sign to let people know you need a push.  They got one for choking.   Maybe... you could just do the macarina and everyone will jump out of their car and come to the rescue.

Discovery #2

Don't buy the cheap rip off version of Captain Eo's shirt.

I was asleep not far from where that picture was taken.  I was having a very bizzar dream about aliens and Michael Jackson.  Except I WAS Michael Jackson.  After waking up in a cold sweat, I quickly went to the top of mount Everest and talked to the Sherpa up there and asked him what the dream meant.  It was so obvious.  I was kicking myself all the way down the mountain for not getting it.  Silly me, it meant I should buy Captain Eo's Shirt!  (Click here if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

Turns out the shirt came with a little hole in it tho.

Discovery #3

THE DOUBLE RAINBOW!

I was wandering thru the library one day, when I saw it.  the DOUBLE RAINBOW.  I almost fell over, but my knees caught me as I sat there and sobbed.  I wish I saw this before I went to the Sherpa man.  Definitely would have asked him, "What does it MEAN?!!"  Too much... too much...

Discovery #5

Moldiest Bread

Originally it was brown, but the mold spores got together with the bread cells, and had a meeting, "In celebration of the merger between bread and mold, we've decided we want to go with a new image.  We feel GREEN will really seperate us from our competitors."  It sure did mold.  Smart business move. All I know is your BROWN friends didn't end up in the garbage.

Discovery #6

Worst place to have nothing to drop.

Imagine dropping something down that.  wouldn't that be like the coolest thing in the world?  What would you give to drop something down that?  and Where are you going with your life?  have you ever asked these golden questions to yourself?

Discovery #7

Waterless urinal?

Are you kidding me?  Someone got paid millions of dollars to come up with this?  Isn't this the same invention as the DRAIN?  Isn't that a step BACKWARDS in technology?  I'm pretty sure before we had WATER-ED urinals, we had the WATERLESS urinal.

Discovery #8

Baby?

I'm just not sure WHAT they're wanting me to try...

Discovery #9

We're teaching bulimia at such a young age now.

It says, "feed me." I'm surprised they expect kids to know how to work this thing.

 Discovery #9

what the heck?

Don't you hate when that happens?

Discovery #10

I need to move my hands even LESS now...

This bad boy does EVERYTHING.  All you do is put your hand in and start wiggling them around.  After a couple minutes, it will have shot soap at you, followed by water, and then semi-warm air that is intended to dry your hands, which job is usually taken on by our pants after sitting there impatiently for a couple seconds.

I guess the next step is combining the urinal with this thing.  Get it all done at once.  Maybe eventually we'll see a waterless washing station too?

Discovery #11

Buzz has taken, "To infinity and beyond!" to a whole new level.

I'm not sure I want a sip of that drink...

Photo Courtesy of K-Swift

Speaking of K-Swift, J-films has gotten another family member.  If you haven't seen it, you should definitely check it out

K-Swift - Enchanted Music Video




Til Next Time... JBUDD OUT!!!

Ode to Car - and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire (part3)

Click here for part one and part two

***COMMENT ***
You forgot the part where we had to remove half of the bottom of that small land yacht to replace the fuel pump. 
     -R Blake

***RESPONSE***
Oh yes MR Blake.  How could I forget?

Story Title:
JBUDD: and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire

I got my new grandpa car, I was on top of the world!  Driving from place to place, buying groceries all by myself, going to pick up a movie at the local Hastings, driving to friends' places.  Life was exuberant to say the least.  To show my gratitude for the car dubbed, "The USS BUDD"  I tried to park next to other grampa cars whenever possible so the land yacht had company through the night.

 

I took it to a gas station round here called, "Aggie Station" and did the whole voodoo "pay outside" put in your card thing.

After swiping my card, I was completely lost.  Don't get me wrong, I've filled up a car with gas before, but this one was... DIFFERENT.  There was like no button to choose the grade of gas to use, and they had some ghetto sign hanging on the pump.

Terrified and lost, I canceled the transaction and got the "H" out of there, went to 7-11, filled up my car, got back in, turned the ignition, and heard the dreaded sound.  I'll try and reenact it for you, it goes something like this, "jitititititirrrrrriititititi"

People started to look at me.  A tough yet attractive girl came over and said, "It's an alternator problem.  Happened to me not long ago"

Later some dude came over, "It's your fuel injectors."

That seemed a little more plausible to me, since the problem sounded like a lack of fuel and not electrical until finally my battery died.

A newly engaged couple offered to tow me back to the Old FARM parking lot, where my car sat for the next few months.  Laying as lifeless as an inadament object can lay.  Gathering snow, as the other "popular" cars'  snow were being scraped off everyday.

I resorted back to the transportation that I've used since I was born - walking.  I was used to it, so I didn't have any problem with it, and almost convinced myself that I never even HAD a car.  It was just a dream.

The hustle and bustle of college life diminished as the semester dwindled to an end.  The USS BUDD still lied motionless.  I had to get him out of there.  I couldn't leave my loyal friend behind!  I was determined that we were going to bust out of the "old farm," and we were going to do it TOGETHER.

The day before I was forced out of my apartment, my friend "R Blake" helped me to fix it.  We spent 5 hours on our backs trying to unriddle this problem like some sick bewitched game from Harry Potter.

"The task is to replace the fuel pump from the chamber of gas.  However, to get INSIDE the chamber, you must remove the tank that is full of molten gas without spilling a drop on your robes.  A drop of muggle gas is equivalent to the sting from a viper.  To remove the tank, you must get past the fire-y exhaust pipe from the catalyst converter.  To achieve this, you must get past the U ring that has been enchanted with 17 years of rust."

However bleak this may sound.  you will be excited to know, that we did it... we GOT the sorcerers stone! I MEAN fuel pump!

THE END...

some pictoral evidence:

PS:  NEW VID - a 30 second short called, "epic Distraction

Ode to Car - Part 2

Click here for part one

Having a car opens many windows that non car people can’t do. For example: The drive thru window.

They’re always trying to give you some new crap item you don’t want.

You drive up.
“wanna try our new hot and spicy chicken pot pie?”
“um… no thanks, I’ll have 3…” (looking at the dollar menu of course.) “McBurgers no seeds on the bun…”


They’re always trying to give you some garbage item that they can't find any other way to sell.  Just once I'd like to turn the tables back on THEM.
“would you like to try our new…”
“NO thanks, but you know, I’ve got an old microwave in the back of my car, it’s missing the turntable plate, but... do you want it?”

See how THEY like it.

In McDonald's, EVERYTHING is Mc. For example: They’ve got McMuffins, McChicken, McGrittles, Big Mc, etc.
I think their naming team has the easiest job in the world.

”what should we call it?”
“well what is it?”
“It’s a salad…”
“hmm... how 'bout McSalad?’
“BRILLIANT, STEVE! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!”
(As they hand him fist fulls of cash.)

You know a lot of millionaires today had their first job at McDonald's.  It’s true! Bill gate’s first job was at McDonald's. It takes someone of initiative and ingenuity to walk in through those golden arched McDoors, fill out a McApplication with your McPencil, hoping to make more than McMinimum-wage, aspiring to someday become the “McManager.”

I think that’s why it turns out so many brilliant people. Bill gates came to a point of his life and said, “I want to be the McFounder-of-Microsoft and I want to make an operating system called “McDOS” and as we all know the story, he quit McDonald's that day, and became the richest man in the world. THE END

To be continued...

PS

Youtube now allows 15 minutes of video, so I released the FULL version of "The Apartment" with 2 1/2 minutes more. Just in case you didn't get the memo on facebook.