Ode to Car - and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire (part3)

Click here for part one and part two

***COMMENT ***
You forgot the part where we had to remove half of the bottom of that small land yacht to replace the fuel pump. 
     -R Blake

***RESPONSE***
Oh yes MR Blake.  How could I forget?

Story Title:
JBUDD: and the Sorcerer's Fuel Pump of Fire

I got my new grandpa car, I was on top of the world!  Driving from place to place, buying groceries all by myself, going to pick up a movie at the local Hastings, driving to friends' places.  Life was exuberant to say the least.  To show my gratitude for the car dubbed, "The USS BUDD"  I tried to park next to other grampa cars whenever possible so the land yacht had company through the night.

 

I took it to a gas station round here called, "Aggie Station" and did the whole voodoo "pay outside" put in your card thing.

After swiping my card, I was completely lost.  Don't get me wrong, I've filled up a car with gas before, but this one was... DIFFERENT.  There was like no button to choose the grade of gas to use, and they had some ghetto sign hanging on the pump.

Terrified and lost, I canceled the transaction and got the "H" out of there, went to 7-11, filled up my car, got back in, turned the ignition, and heard the dreaded sound.  I'll try and reenact it for you, it goes something like this, "jitititititirrrrrriititititi"

People started to look at me.  A tough yet attractive girl came over and said, "It's an alternator problem.  Happened to me not long ago"

Later some dude came over, "It's your fuel injectors."

That seemed a little more plausible to me, since the problem sounded like a lack of fuel and not electrical until finally my battery died.

A newly engaged couple offered to tow me back to the Old FARM parking lot, where my car sat for the next few months.  Laying as lifeless as an inadament object can lay.  Gathering snow, as the other "popular" cars'  snow were being scraped off everyday.

I resorted back to the transportation that I've used since I was born - walking.  I was used to it, so I didn't have any problem with it, and almost convinced myself that I never even HAD a car.  It was just a dream.

The hustle and bustle of college life diminished as the semester dwindled to an end.  The USS BUDD still lied motionless.  I had to get him out of there.  I couldn't leave my loyal friend behind!  I was determined that we were going to bust out of the "old farm," and we were going to do it TOGETHER.

The day before I was forced out of my apartment, my friend "R Blake" helped me to fix it.  We spent 5 hours on our backs trying to unriddle this problem like some sick bewitched game from Harry Potter.

"The task is to replace the fuel pump from the chamber of gas.  However, to get INSIDE the chamber, you must remove the tank that is full of molten gas without spilling a drop on your robes.  A drop of muggle gas is equivalent to the sting from a viper.  To remove the tank, you must get past the fire-y exhaust pipe from the catalyst converter.  To achieve this, you must get past the U ring that has been enchanted with 17 years of rust."

However bleak this may sound.  you will be excited to know, that we did it... we GOT the sorcerers stone! I MEAN fuel pump!

THE END...

some pictoral evidence:

PS:  NEW VID - a 30 second short called, "epic Distraction

Ode to Car - Part 2

Click here for part one

Having a car opens many windows that non car people can’t do. For example: The drive thru window.

They’re always trying to give you some new crap item you don’t want.

You drive up.
“wanna try our new hot and spicy chicken pot pie?”
“um… no thanks, I’ll have 3…” (looking at the dollar menu of course.) “McBurgers no seeds on the bun…”


They’re always trying to give you some garbage item that they can't find any other way to sell.  Just once I'd like to turn the tables back on THEM.
“would you like to try our new…”
“NO thanks, but you know, I’ve got an old microwave in the back of my car, it’s missing the turntable plate, but... do you want it?”

See how THEY like it.

In McDonald's, EVERYTHING is Mc. For example: They’ve got McMuffins, McChicken, McGrittles, Big Mc, etc.
I think their naming team has the easiest job in the world.

”what should we call it?”
“well what is it?”
“It’s a salad…”
“hmm... how 'bout McSalad?’
“BRILLIANT, STEVE! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!”
(As they hand him fist fulls of cash.)

You know a lot of millionaires today had their first job at McDonald's.  It’s true! Bill gate’s first job was at McDonald's. It takes someone of initiative and ingenuity to walk in through those golden arched McDoors, fill out a McApplication with your McPencil, hoping to make more than McMinimum-wage, aspiring to someday become the “McManager.”

I think that’s why it turns out so many brilliant people. Bill gates came to a point of his life and said, “I want to be the McFounder-of-Microsoft and I want to make an operating system called “McDOS” and as we all know the story, he quit McDonald's that day, and became the richest man in the world. THE END

To be continued...

PS

Youtube now allows 15 minutes of video, so I released the FULL version of "The Apartment" with 2 1/2 minutes more. Just in case you didn't get the memo on facebook.

Ode to Car - The 1993 Mercury Cougar Edition

If JBUDD NEWS was my child, and I was it’s parent, social workers would be on my case about neglect by now. I would then start to wonder, “how did THEY know I was neglecting my child?” Then I’d be suspicious of my neighbors and friends whom I confided my secret. That would probably ruin our relationships, and make me not trust anyone. I’d probably hide in my house, holding a shotgun, peaking thru the blinds at passing neighbor kids while little JBUDD NEWS was crying in the crib.

That sounds like WAY too much drama for me. So instead, I’m just going to write today:

I just got done with fall break today, and I must say, this weekend was DEFINITELY one the top 500 weekends of my LIFE, putting another 350 miles on my car.

I don’t think my car has ever had a formal introduction. I call her, “the USS Budd.” This to-scale picture should give you a good idea as to why.

The story goes like this:

I was walking by the classified listings in the student center, and there she was, in all her baby blue grampa glory…

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t fall INSTANTLY in love. It was when I took a look at the PRICE! “$800?” I said to myself, “I think I got that.” I called hobo man up, and we set an appointment in two hours to test it out.

As I approached the corner of 7th and 8th I saw a big hobo looking man on the corner, and judging by the description given me, I stereotypically reasoned it must be him.

Looking back, I don’t know WHY I actually bought it. The whole thing was super shady. The guy was trying WAY too hard to convince me how cool it was. He was selling me on all the repairs he had ALREADY done on it! “I put like $1,600 into repairing this thing. I had to replace the tail lights, the hoses, the power steering pump, etc. ...That window's SUPPOSED to make those noises when it goes down like that...”

Well is it working NOW? Can I DRIVE it? Is it going to spontaniously explode on me?

So I bought it.

I decided if I’m gonna own a grandpa car that I got from some shady hobo, I should learn a little something about auto mechanics.

I went to the local library to try and find some material on the thing, and found a common theme among the “do-it-yourself” books. They are depressing. The most POPULAR in this genre is the, “For Dummies” series. If you took every dummies book and stacked them, it would be higher than the twin towers... PUT TOGETHER.

They’ve got "Automotives for Dummies," "How to Spank Your Children for Dummies." When you pick up the book, you are blatantly telling yourself. I AM A DUMMY! That’s gotta do a number your self esteem after a few years. "I was going to mow the lawn today, but then I realized I'm just a big fat ugly DUMMY! I don't even know how to mow my own lawn! I'm reading this BOOK to try and help me, and it's just MAKING FUN OF ME!!!"

So I decided that I want to come up with a whole new line of books and just call them, “YOU SUCK!” No more beating around the bush.

“YOU SUCK, at life!" "YOU SUCK, at automotives!" "YOU SUCK, at brushing your teeth!” after I drive people to depression, I’ll make another line of self help books, “YOU SUCK, at killing yourself. Don’t even try…” First drive them to depression, and then make millions trying to fix them.

To be continued...

PS
New vid:



THREE doors: The one on the left is blank, the one in the middle has a male bathroom sign hanging on it, and the one on the right has a female bathroom sign.

The experiment was to see if people would go through their own specified gender-ed door out of sheer Social conformity. (Hey, you don't want people to think you're a girl if you're NOT!)

King of the Playground

Well we’re all starting to get back to the swing of life… During summer break we had the opportunity to “jump out” of our swings. With a nice temporary rush from flying thru the air, coming to a climatic crash with the ground. But now it’s time to jump back on, start pumping again, and work our way back up to our repetitive lives.

Some of you might not be quite there. Some of you might still be immature and are swinging on your stomachs. Which seemed like a good idea at first, but you soon realize that all your blood has rushed to your head, and you’re starting to feel sick.

Remember those good ol’ elementary recess days? Swings… monkey bars… SLIDES!
You know I think that these were all failed attempts of our parents trying to kill their kids.

“why don’t you climb up that really tall ladder up there, and go down that metal surface with temperatures near liquid magma, and lets see if you can break the land speed record.”

That’s what we were all trying to do in our childish minds. We weren’t there to ‘have fun’ we were there to break some world records. Remember that first time down the slide?

      “you want me to do what!.... WHY!!!.... yeah you’ll catch me…right! Why should I trust you! Oh you got candy? Ok!”

Kids live on candy. When you’re a kid, nutrition is buskins. All that other food was grown up food. But KIDS… THEY ATE CANDY. Candy was OUR food. It was our medicine.
       “I’m feeling a tummy ach coming on.”
       “I recommend 1 pack of smarties!”

Smarties I’m pretty sure in every kids life was one point used as medicine.

As a kid your status in the classroom all depended on how you performed out on the field. Remember that kid that could do the back flip out of that swing? Yeah, he was cool. He could be the dorkiest kid in class. But if he pulled off that back flip. He became the new idol. He was like Anubis mated with Venus, and that’s the god that came out. The back flip god. We actually built alters to that god. Out of our soft padded gravel ground.

I want to meet the guy who invented the idea of gravel. I want to have him take a look at all the scars in my hands and knees and make him pay for all my lost childhood. Since when was using rocks to break your fall the best solution. And who decided to give us authority to have USE of these rocks. These weapons of mass destruction. I think there has been more scrapes and injuries caused by gravel then any other medium on the planet. Kids throwing it at eachother. Little Timmy is eating it in the corner. The new challenger to the land speed record on the slide makes one wrong calculation and goes flying into this buckshot called gravel….

Remember having to pick the rocks out from beneath your skin? Remember that kid who DIDN’T cry when he got hurt? Yeah he was like Ra and Aphrodite mated. A bird woman. The goddess bird of… not crying. Yeah that kid was cool. But not as cool as back flip kid. I never became backflip kid. I still envy back flip kid. Back flip kid is STILL one step higher then me.

THE END

PS
As some of the old timers that haven't yet been offended as of yet and are still reading this probably noticed.  (that sentence receives the crappiest worded sentence award.  I don't feel like fixing it.  FIGURE IT OUT!)
This is an old post from January 14, 2007.  I was reading through some JBUDD archive and I found this and laughed.  (Is it wrong to laugh at your own stuff? IDK)

PPS
I realized that I never posted my latest movie!  This is the most professional video I've ever made.
DISCLAIMER - NOT FUNNY   (but it's interesting.) (There's two parts to it, so find the other half.  FIGURE IT OUT!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odJIjk-I0YM

Recent Discoveries in JBUDDtopia

I realize that I’ve been neglecting lately the news about JBUDD, so I’m dedicating this newsletter to “Seeing the world through the eyes of JBUDD” which translates into JBUDD news.

Through my travels here at USU I’ve found many interesting discoveries and hidden things:

Discovery #1

Longest stairs

Discovery #2

Weirdest shaped desk.

I don't know who’s the genius engineer behind this masterpiece. “we want the desk to be able to be written on… BUT only on PARTS of it! Lets put random nooks and holes on it just to make life hard!

Discovery #3
Shortest drinking fountain.

I literally had to Indian sit on the floor to drink out of it. It’s like a foot off the ground! If you’re that small, I don’t think you’re going to have the muscle capacity to push that hard medal button down to make water come out…

Discovery #4
Most provocative grocery store.

Discovery #5
Creepiest elevator.

I was wandering in some of the most hidden parts of campus and I found an elevator, pushed the button and when the door opened, I was instantly petrified. I was like SCARED to go in. I’m not sure why…

Discovery #6
No matter what bathroom you walk into anywhere at a given moment, there will be at least ONE unflushed urinal.

Discovery #7
Best personal ad.

It reads, “Girlfriend turned into lord voldomort. $2000 Never worn.” I love seeing all the wedding rings on the bulletin board, cuz you KNOW every single one of them were failed attempts of proposing. I think it should be a requirement to include the story in the ad, “I THOUGHT she liked me, so I sold everything I had and bought this shiny rock, thinkin that would make her want to marry me… and apparently life’s not a Taylor Swift music video.” Tough lesson to be learned Billy… Tough lesson…

Discovery #8
Coolest shower.

This thing had 5 showerheads shooting at me. There is no WAY you can’t have a great day after that. It’s like sitting in a hot-tub without the tub, but might make for an awkward social gathering. “Hey, wanna come to my place and take a shower? NO DON’T WALK AWAY! It’s COOL I SWEAR!! It’s got FIVE heads! FIVE!” gets them every time…

Discovery #9

Heh heh heh…

Discovery #10
Best hotel shirt ever. (not that I see too many people strutting around with them  “That’s right… Best Western… That’s the only place I’ll sleep when I travel. Won’t have it any other way.”)

It reads: Rattle snake Inn: The snake awaits...

Discovery #11
I thought this was funny.

Some kids write, “we cook for girls!” hoping to get some sweet action from the babes flocking to their door to take them up on their offer. So their neighbors write, “Girls cook for US!” In hopes that these same babes will be flocking to their door! ...holding a casserole. Finally the brilliant guys below them write, “We cook girls…” and probably rolled out their 150 Gallon cauldron hoping for girls to jump in. My guess is none of their dreams became realities… Just a wild guess… or hope… “3 freshman from BYU arrested for cooking girls” That would definitely give you creeper status.

Well that’s all the discoveries I have for today. If you or your friends have any discoveries or success stories, email them to clubfilm@gmail.com and if any of you want to receive these newsletters by email, just type your email into that little box in the top right corner of the screen.

Thanks for coming. see you all next week.

Your friend,

JBUDD

What's with the blood, Budd?

You know, somehow we always get on the topic of donating blood. Did you know that there are about 30 newsletters written here at JBUDD NEWS, and 3 of them are about donating blood! That’s 10%! That’s like TITHING! If anyone asks if JBUDD News pays tithing you say, “yes, in blood”
Anyway…

I don’t know WHY I want to get my blood out of me so bad, maybe it’s the high blood pressure. I always figured if someone has high blood pressure, shouldn’t the obvious remedy be to get some blood out of them? Relieve the pressure?


Anyway...
While I was having flash backs of past horror stories I heard the soothing word of one Bob Marley playing over the PA system:

“Don’t worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright!” I think they were playing that on purpose. They’re really just saying, “Don’t freak out, and flail your arms, cuz we don’t want your blood, on our lab coats!”

So the lady starts up again with the hocus pocus vein check… I think that I’m just hoping that magically my veins are gonna get bigger or something, like I’m in denial or something.

“I’ve got big veins! I can be cool too guys!”

For some reason this lady felt confident that she could do it. She stuck the needle in and it felt good. She started up the machine and we ran into problems. It wasn’t sucking enough blood… so she grabs the next labcoat lady next to her… and I’m starting to get dejavou as she starts twisting the needle around and making it HURT instead.

“THERE’S the problem, he’s not feeling any PAIN yet!”

SHE couldn’t get it, so finally they call MIKE over. At that point I’ve had enough. This is EXACTLY how the last one went and the third guy ALWAYS punctures the vein. So I threw in my towel.

But on the bright side… I still got the free t-shirt.

I found it a little funny. It reads, “TRUE Aggies bleed BLUE!” and it has some blue bull chasing a red U away… What are they trying to say? They’ve got freshman lined up on these beds trying to figure out where their loyalty belongs to. “TELL ME OH BLOOD WHICH SCHOOL I BELONG TO!!!” the blood starts pouring into the bag, the nurse yells out, “WE GOT ANOTHER RED ONE!” the kid yells, “NOOOO!” as the Student Body president wheels him out of the room and pushes him down the stairs. What do they plan on happening when they found the kid that bleeds blue?

“…YOUR KING!... we have found the true blooded Aggie!” everyone bows to the ground…

Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool to say you bleed blue, but when it’s a concrete situation where you are undoubtedly going to SEE the blood… We all know what color is REALLY gonna come out. You’re just gonna be crushing all the freshman’s dreams of ever becoming true Aggies.

“I’ll NEVER be good enough to be a true aggie!!!”

“Just give up and QUIT while you’re ahead BILLY, because you’re just gonna fail anyway… YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU SUCK!!!!”

The End.


(This next part is an old bit from a previous post that I don't want to lose.  So I'm putting it here instead.)

Physicals always scare me, cuz I never know what to expect…

“so… are you going to do the whole drop your pants thing or not… Just tell me now, so we can get the awkwardness out of the way…”

Its like dropping your date off at the doorstep, and there’s that awkward pause because both parties don’t know what the other ones expecting… he should just tell me at the beginning… get it out of the way. “You’re pants are staying on…” BAM done…

I figure that would have to be the most degrading job… checking guys for hernias… there’s no… COOL way to do it… you can never be SLY about it. I mean you’re going in for a serious violation! It’s a penalty! on the offense! 10 yards back man! Common! You cant just be like, “so how’s school going for you man?” then right before he answers, throw in the quick, “by the way can you drop the pants?” then continue the small talk… “OHHH… schools GREAAAT! … uh hem… ” it’s definitely a delicate time under that pressing situation. You monitor your responses very carefully, to avoid any 10 second violations…

“On a scale from 1-10 how do I stand?” I’ve always have wanted to throw that one out there… get some insights from him…
The only problem is if he said TEN, it definitely would make the rest of the interview awkward…

How many of you remember your first physical! You BET you do! That is a significant landmark in a boys life:

"I was Born, learned to walk, first day of school… got violated by some doctor… got married, had kids, died…"

Lucky for ME, I knew what was coming, but you know that SOME little Timmy wasn’t as informed.
We’ve been to the doctor many times prior to this! and everything was fine! they stick that light thing in your ear… YEP still got holes there! In my plasma physical, the guy shoved it up my NOSE! first time THAT’s ever happened to me… not sure what he was planning to see… just checking if I’m a regular picker or not. I guess that’s a requirement…

But eventually one of these physicals is gonna have a strange twist for poor little Timmy. He’s sitting on that little midget bed, laying on that scientifically engineered butcher paper that crumples at your every movement. Then little Timmy’s mom stands up and walks out of the room. He starts to panic. The door closes, and he turns his head abrasively to see the doctor eying him down with a grin… and the doctor turns to him and says: 

“Alrighty Timmy, your ears look fine… how bout we take off those pants of yours!”
Timmy’s world as he knows it, come crashing as if, to a boiling crater of lava…

The doctor’s office it’s kind of a scary thing. You’re in this small room… a bunch of strangers keep walking in and out. Checking the mighty clipboard of truth and justice… and giving suspicious glances at you while turning the paper intrusively, “REALLY… ew…” 

I’ve always wondered what they’re doing when they’re gone. Like there’s something seriously wrong with me, that they can’t just STAY and complete the exam…

“yeah… about that… I think I left something in my CAR!” 

You hear the tires squeal and look out the window to see the doctor driving away in his convertible laughing. Your clipboard papers are flying thru the air, eating the car’s dust…
It kind of scares me. Like I have something seriously wrong that they have no idea what it is. So they go out and talk with other doctors:

“he has what?”
“I think I’m going to be sick!”
They’re all in the back looking it up on WebMD.(tm)

I always thought it would be funny to play a joke on the doctor when he comes back in. He opens the door, and you’re standing on the table naked with the stethoscope…
“well… it seems to be… AAH!” drops his clip board
“oh, sorry… I was just… uh… never mind…” 

Cowboys and Indians, that racist little game...

Cowboys and Indians, what a racist game we teach our children. “Alright Billy, you’re a redneck cowboy from the dirty south, and Timmy you’re a savage Indian. You HATE each other! Can you feel the hatred?! FEEL IT! One two three HATE!! HATE DANG IT!!!!” and then they start beating up on each other –SMACK- -CRACKLE- -POP- as you casually walk away to get some rice crispy treats.

No better way to teach about racism than cowboys and Indians. The kids come inside crying all beat up.
“Now what did we learn today kids?”
“Cowboys are sons of a…”
“That’s right Timmy, racism is BAD. Now lets turn on the ‘I love you’ Barney tape, to wash the enmity out of you!”

Well that’s how I’M going to raise my kids… I’m not sure about you guys…

To me, cowboys almost make sense. They live where the sage brush grows, eat dirt for breakfast, drink, and gamble. I mean who WOULDN’T want to do that? I just feel for the poor sheriff. I’m not sure how they find a guy for this job, because he always ends up dead by the time the credits scroll.

The bandits show up into town:
“Alright the bank is a block east from here, the bar is next to the bank, and the sheriff is roaming the streets ready to duel.”
“So what’s our plan?”
“Rob the bank, shoot the sheriff, and then get some shots of whiskey?”
“How bout we get the whiskey, shoot the sheriff, then rob the bank?”
“What if we rob the sheriff, shoot the bank, then drink the whiskey?”

I don’t know… the bottom line is the Sheriff ends up dead either way…

I believe the number one cause of death for the Sheriff is DUEL. They’re filling out the accident report, “how the accident occurred: DUELED, and got shot in the heart.” I wonder if there’s a way to collect workmen’s comp for that? DEFINITELY a work related accident…

I never have understood the duel; I just don’t see the logic in it. For those of you who have never seen one, the two cowboys stand back to back, and mark out a couple of paces away from each other and then turn around staring deep into each other’s eyes. The goal is to shoot the other varmint before he shoots YOU. So they stare deep at each other trying to read when the other one draws so they can try and draw a little bit faster, and they have a twitchy hand next to the gun, trying to fake the other guy out. “oh, I’m gonna go NOW, no NOW, haha tricked you!” -BOOM- He’s dead.

I don’t think dueling is the time to pump fake. Basketball, football, or even GOLF, FINE do it. But DUELING?! Why would you EVER want someone to THINK you’re going, and then NOT ACTUALLY GO? And they’re always trying to go AFTER the other person starts drawing, like there’s some advantage to that or something? The way I see it is whoever grabs their gun the first will always be ahead by at least half a second! So why wait?! Why not just turn around grab your gun and shoot?! What’s this whole psychology twitchy hand voodoo crap going on. Just shoot him!

Anyway… I guess that’s why I was always the Indian…

Columbus Sailed that Ocean Blue

I was reading an economics book called, “The World is Flat” and the very beginning the author told the story of Columbus.  HE thought the world was round, and everyone else said it was FLAT.  So he said, “I’ll show them” and in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  He was originally going to take off in 1491, but could only come up with thumb, run, and plum as rhymes.  “1491, Columbus stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum… ACK! terrible rhyme.  Let’s wait another year!”

When he made it to America he discovered a bunch of dark skinned people, and had innocently mistaken them for Indians.  You think they would have planned ahead a little and brought someone who could speak Indian, “HALLO THERE! TANK YOU COME AGAIN!”  Don’t know what their plan was showing up all casual, “hey guys!  How’s it going? Oh, we’re just stopping by.  Just wanted to say hi to our neighbors on the other side of the Atlantic!  Yep It took us 3 months to get here… and we thought we were dead, and we almost had a mutiny… ha ha…. Ha…” the Indians stared back blankly… “Well, we… we weren’t planning on staying long… ACTUALLY we were just leaving!”  That’s when the sta. Maria squealed away.

When did it hit them that it wasn’t India?  They’re sailing back and Columbus says,  “hey Eric the terrible… psss… over here… Did you notice any call centers while we were there?

“No”

“(gasp)  GREAT SCOTT!”

I think Columbus’s simple mistake has been the biggest typo left on world history…. How long ago was that? Some 600+ years?    And… WE STILL CALL THEM INDIANS?  You think that would have been handled very promptly right then and there…

There couldn’t have been more than100 people on those ships, Columbus could have called a meeting together, “alright me mateys,  We ORIGINALLY THOUGHT that we were in India.”

“(Cheers and grunts)”

“BUT we were wrong!”

“(grumble grumble grumble)"

“This is AMERICA!  So instead of calling them INDIANS, because they’re not… NO Jósurr, they’re NOT… we’re going to start calling them NATIVE AMERICANS… can you say that with me?”

“(all together) Native Ameriplanes?”

“YES.  NATIVE AMERICANS…” more slowly than the first…

That’s all you had to do Columbus… when the people got back to Spain they would have been like, “WE DISCOVERED THE NATIVE AMERICANS!!!” 

And everyone would have been like, “Native Americans, what a brilliant discovery!  We’ll give Columbus a giamungous medal for this discovery!”

And to this day, instead of kids playing cowboys and Indians, they would be playing cowboys and Native Americans…

To be continued…

Secret Student Cooking Ideas

As a busy college student, balancing your life between: school, work, dating, and trying to make your band famous... you sometimes forget one of the most important factors of life... what is it you ask?  well silly... it's FOOD! :) 

In the upcoming days I'm going to teach you the secrets that no cookbook dares to share. I will teach you how not only eat gourmet meals with 30 min or less preparation... but how to do it CHEAP.

 

Recipe 1

     Requirements:

      -Ability to read

      -Tied shoes

      -Large winter coat (only applicable to USU students)

Take advantage of every free food opportunities you can find.  Look on your local school calendar to find out when your student association will be hosting some gag activity with free food in hopes to con you into something. Frat houses are always insecure and looking for cool new members like you.  Just make sure that they don't know you think they're lame before you eat their free meal.  This works best around eating holidays like Thanksgiving.

BEFORE

AFTER

Recipe #2 - El Frozen Burrito

Now I’m going to show you some of JBUDD’s OWN special dishes that will keep your colon clean.

My first recipe is an old family recipe from Mexico.  When polygamy was banned from the US, my ancestors were forced to move to Mexico where they learned the ways of the people there, and learned of such dishes as: “El Frozen Burrito”

Simply buy a western family pack of 10 burritos.  Put 2 of them on a plate and gently place in the microwave and set the timer for 3 minutes.  Hit start, walk away, then take a leak.  When you come back, they’ll unavoidably be busted open, but that's the compromise you have to take... It's either busted open burrito or still frozen in the middle burrito.  There is no happy middle ground...

Bon apatite!

Recipe #3 - Stealing... in a nice way...

We're gonna talk a little more about getting gain. Some of you might run into a problem with an old friend of yours called, "your conscience," but as the good book says:  "Yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die..."

Requirements

 -Justification to battle your cognitive dissonance.

 -Endowed friends

 -Good poker face

Sometimes your friends will get caught up in a pyramid scheme to sell Redbull… They may even build a pyramid of them on your table… take advantage of them, and take a few… believe me, they’ll NEVER notice.

Your fellow neighbor girls might think that one of your roommates is as fly as a kite, and bring over free brownies, cookies, egg nog and/or hot chocolate… We always called that, "getting some." What exactly was it we were getting?  Brownies, cookies, and hot chocolate... (duh!)

Free food is always a good cop out… but unfortunately  sometimes people DON’T just give you stuff… Piece of cake (or waffle), CON them into it!  We found much success in throwing together a weekly “waffle party” and having people donate the ingredients and labor.  It was brilliant really, just say waffle wednesday, and you'll be getting free food in no time!  We even had a little jar for donations, but unfortunately it didn't work as well as the "feed the hungry" jar I had in the school store...

as always... Bon Apatite!

PS.  Whenever you "get some" be sure to text a picture of your "some" to JBUDDNEWS inc. at clubfilm@gmail.com and your "some" will be featured in JBUDD NEWS.  While you're at it, go ahead and tell us your success story in getting gain, that we may all learn from one anothers experience and be strengthened together.

DISCLAIMER
all pictures will become property of JBUDDNEWS inc.

Recipe #4 - Balognia (Gotta love Italian food!)

Smart food tip from JBUDD:
After you’ve capitalized on everyone else, you’ll probably have to buy some food of your own to make up for the lost nutrients in all that waffle batter and syrup. Here’s a list of good healthy ingredients that will keep your busy neurons firing.


-Bread (make sure it's the good kind.  cheep stuff is cheap for a reason, because most of it is made of AIR.  Seriously, if you take that FarmBread loaf right there, and some WonderBread, and mushed them into a ball like you used to as a kid, I'd bet the FarmBread would be twice as big of a ball... I'm just sayin...)
-Eggs
-Frozen Burritos
-Hamburger helper
-Milk
-Hot Dogs
-Doritos
-Yogurt


Recipe of the day:
For my next treat, the bologna and cheese sandwich… Sounds simple, but you need to learn a few tips:
  1st. NAMED BRAND CHEESE! Do not SETTLE for budget American cheese. This stuff is already processed enough to go cheep on. You’re eating imitation cheese for crying out loud, do you want the imitation form of imitation? Believe me, it tastes like rubber.

   2nd. Get the NORMAL sliced bologna. If you’re not careful you might accidently pick up the thick sliced one which only comes with 8 thick slices… in other words, 8 sandwhiches, which is NOTHING compared to the regular 20 pack. Same price too!

 After you got your bread, balognia, cheese, mayo and mustard.  Throw them all together until you have a tastey gormet Italian dish.  If you're confused, just use my picture as a reference:

Bon Apatite!

Recipe #5 - Hot dog de la carte

Next in the bologna family is the hotdog, made from the same meat slurry as bologna, but enhanced by its cylindrical shape. Hot dogs are an important part of a college diet because of its nutritional value. It’s gotta be one of the most nutritional meats out there, cuz each bite is filled with proteins and essential amino acids from like SEVEN different animals!

I’ve always wondered how they make hot dogs. They have that seam down the side of it, makes me think that it’s pressed into a mold. They probably first pick their lineup of animals for the day, “lets see… cow, pig, chicken… what the heck, take Whiskers too!” get a gigantic blender, hit frappe, until they get a nice pinkish red hue of paste like meat, then load the slurry into a big tank that pumps the juice into little meet injectors, which in turn is injected into the hotdog cylinders as they pass by on the conveyor belt. Well… that’s how I’d do it at least…

Anyways…

Requirements:
-Hot Dogs
-Bread
-Preheat microwave to power level 10
-Roommates

Directions:
1. Simply take out the amount of hotdogs you want and place it on a microwavable plate.
2. Microwave for 30 seconds*
3. Place nuked dogs on slices of bread, or “borrowed” buns from your roommates
4. Use your roommates ketchup and mustard to compliment the dog, if you’re using relish, then you’re obviously way to high class for this blog. Try looking at a caviar or filet mignon blog instead.
5. Eat it!



*Note on step 2. Generally if you microwave the dog for more than 30 seconds, the seams will break open on the sides and the dog will “explode” I’m not sure what chemical reaction is going on in there to make it combust, but maybe if we utilize it, we could use hot dog juice as an alternate fuel source!
Our goal is to nuke it JUST ENOUGH so that the seams burst just a little bit, if too much, then the ends get hard, if too little, then you’re risking getting worms in your stomach. (at least that’s what I was told in kindergarten) So timing is key. It’s a short enough nuke time that you can probably just watch it cook, if you don’t have that kind of time, then you probably need to loosen up your schedule.


Bon Apatite!

**COMMENT**

What about bulk jbudd??? u bought 6 eggs?!? that cant be more efficient than buying 12...also a block of cheese has to be less money than the fake cheese singles.
-BS

**RESPONSE**

Classic comment from BS. Do you realize that I spelt bologna as balognia that whole last post and you didn’t notice? Shame on you…
And about the eggs, they usually take about 3 months to expire, and if you’re using up more than 6 eggs in 3 months, then you need some serious work on your mooching skills!

END

Recipe #6 and #7

Because my birthday is tomorrow, I'm going to give you guys TWO recipes that are very dear to my heart.  I want you all know that all these recipes are dishes that I actually make and eat.  It's taken me years of trying what works and what doesn't.  I've been to literally SEVERAL college campuses, and these are the formulas that have worked for me and are key to my success in muscularness, buff-ness, and beefy-ness.  So if you have ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself, "How can I be more like JBUDD?"  this would be a good start.

Ramen na Tuyo

My roommate had a book called,   “101 Things to Do with Ramen Noodles” it was clever, but managed to dodge JBUDDs very own special ramen dish called, “Ramen na tuyo”

Simply open a pack of ramen noodles, and a can of tuna fish… and vuala! You're done!  Because the preperation is so short, you can focus on more important things like, "How do I get that goodness in me?!"

This dish is one of my favorites because again it's nutritional value and time efficiency.  You get all the carbs AND proteins you need in like 0 preparation time!  I guess the preparation is the can opener.  Our can opener was weak sauce, cuz it kept derailing off of the track.  If you're struggling with similar symptoms it might be faster to just open the can with your teeth.  Believe me, I'd know... ;)

Macaroni y ceso a la carte

If you take nothing out of this article but one thing, it would be, “Macaroni and Cheese”  You can never have too much mac and cheese in stock.  The nutrients in that powdered cheese is through the ROOF!  The best part of this noodles and orange powder is that you can always combine it with any of the already discussed ingredients.  Mac and Tuna, Mac and hotdog, Mac and burrito! (a delicacy in some countries)

Bill Gates Owes Me a Million Dollars...

Oh hey… how’s it going? I feel like I’m talking to someone I haven’t seen in a couple years that I was never really that close to. You get that dry conversation going… oh boy nothing more engaging than participating in small talk.
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty good, how ‘bout you?”
“good”
“so what’ve you been up to?”
“not much, how bout you?”
“you know, same old same old”
“sweet, well nice seeing you again!”
“yeah, see you around sometime”
“yeah, for sure”
“see ya”
“yeah, bye”

Basically that conversation accomplished the same thing as if both parties just stared at each other making a loud moaning sound, “Uhhh…” But for real, when you have those tofu filled conversations, nothing is really being said… there’s no ACTUAL communication going on, we don’t learn more about the other person than before. Really what we’re actually doing is acknowledging that the other person exists. WE KNOW EACHOTHER! I KNOW HIM!!! I hadn’t seen him for awhile and was wondering if he’d gone mute since the last time I saw him, but he definitely did NOT!

I’d love to revolutionize the whole greeting process. That conversation probably would have taken about 20 seconds to fluff through. I think we could improve that time significantly by saying instead, “I acknowledge your existence…” and then move on. No stopping or anything. You both just know that you know each other. And with all that free time saved, we could increase our nations potential output and increase the overall economy, and pull us out of the recession…. Really, all of our economic problems could be led back to small talk…

Anyway… what’s up with me? Well I thought you’d never ask…

School just ended for old JBUDD. It seemed like just yesterday that I was writing in here making fun of old farm. Let’s look into JBUDD past and reflect on this past year… like a clip show if you will:

JBUDD NEWS Aug. 2009
I got me an apartment The locals like to call the place, “old farm” I’m no business marketing genius, but that place doesn’t sound too appetizing… what’s the first thing you think of when you hear, “OLD FARM…” just close your eyes and picture it… what do you see? AN OLD FARM!!! A big field with fences made from logs from the 1800’s that the bugs have rotted away, and the second story has fallen into the first, and just cows and poo… What type of image are they going for? So I’m gonna bring my cowboy boots and hat, and show up to the office riding a horse, and ask the manager there, “NOW WHERE’S this OLD FARM I be hearin ‘bout? All I see is a bunch of HOUSES!” then just see what they say… I’ll just hold a strait face…

I also said that I was going to tell everyone my name was Rain. That lasted like a week, and I couldn’t take it anymore, it was like part of me was dying every time I was saying it… maybe it was because I’d eventually have to change this newsletter to RBUDD NEWS. Yeah THAT sounds cool. “hey everybody, I just got an RBUDD news in my inbox.!” No one would break out into cheering, singing and dancing like they do with JBUDD news.

Dec. 2009
The rain gutter right above my doorway is broken, which causes some sweet spillage, creating this decent puddle right outside my door. To add fire to the fuel, I live in LOGAN! and if hell was located here, it would indeed be frozen over. So this puddle is soon going to turn into a nice sheet of black ice… NOW all I need to do is slip on it, and break some sweet bone-age, and I can sue for damages! So I’ve been biding my time and waiting for that sweet payout. I just need a couple ace bandages, and I’ll be set!

Remember me saying that? Well guess what? A couple months later they had some guy came out in the middle of the winter and fixed it! I swear they read my post or something. I met this girl who had a job at western watts (the place that I applied at two posts ago) and apparently she posted on HER blog a bunch of crap about the place, and they found it, fired her, and wouldn’t hire one of her friends simply because he KNEW her… So apparently they have some guy search “Western Watts” on Google all day trying to find if any employee is posting garbage about their precious cowboy image that they’re trying to maintain. 1st of all, I would love that job, cuz I’m pretty sure you get to sit around 99 percent of the day doing NOTHING, and 2nd that probably means that I’ve already been black listed several times on their radar. I was hoping to get a job there in the fall, but I’m sure I’ll walk into my interview and bomb the first question”
“What’s your name?”
“JBUDD”
That’s when the little red button underneath the desk is pressed and red lights start flaring as the whole building is evacuated…

So what I’m trying to say is if the company found that on HER blog… Is it outrageous to say that old farm found MY complaint? So in other words… I can get whatever I want by writing it here! MAN I HATE how Bill Gates NEVER gives me a million dollars! GOSH! What a LOSER!!!! GET A LIFE! What, you think going to Africa and trying to stop aids makes up for the fact that I still DON’T have a million dollars?! How selfish of you…

Anyway… To be continued…

Tiger Woods Says SORRY! OMG!

For those of you that don’t know, JBUDD NEWS is officially writing, REAL news! Not to say that all the stuff I write here ISN’T true, but even more importantly, not to say that it IS true either.

So I got hired on with our school newspaper to write for them. I’m not sure if you can call it news yet, but it’s definitely written on brownish grey paper. Click on the thumbnail if you wanna read the article.

When you think of a journalist what image comes to mind?

BINGO. That’s right! Scarf man comes to mind. That’s what scared me about this whole newspaper ordeal. For one, I don’t look like scarf man! How am I going to be a journalist? And secondly… I don’t think I’ve ever read a newspaper in my life!

In one of our meetings, they showed us an article, and told us how bad it sucked, and how we need to improve our writing. I’m pretty sure it all went over my head. I think I caught the word, “the” a few times, and maybe an “is” but they were speaking in journalist talk. Something about a lead, and everyone was just like “ I CANT believe she WROTE THAT! She talked about BOOKS? HOW BORING!!!!” ,and I was just like… “YEAH take those leads! And WRITE THEM! GOOD! or GOODLY! Or… WELL-LY…” (nice one… now they’ll think I’m good at English.. yes!)

So I’ve been reading a bunch of newspapers lately trying to get the feel for them, and what caught me by surprise was the FRONT PAGE!

You don’t have to be no journalist to answer this question, but… What do you put on the front page?
You’d probably say, the most important, and most interesting news. So on Friday, I popped open the Deseret News, and was reading the front page. The BIG story was about how TIGER WOODS APOLOGIZES. I was thinking… wow, must be a slow news day. I’m not sure how much they can write about that thing, they pretty much covered it in the headline. If I was writing the story, it would go something like this: “Tiger Woods apologized… he said… ‘SORRY’… ‘uh…woops?’ ‘I won’t do it again?’ ‘Promise?’ The end.” But no, this was the TOP story! I don’t really know all the details on that story, but that’s because I DON’T CARE! I don’t even KNOW the guy! Why do I care if he had like a bajillion affairs? He is not apart of my LIFE! I watch him golf, and say, “wow, that guy can golf.” That’s IT! I don’t care what he had for breakfast, or if he’s married or not. I’m pretty sure when all that crap hit the fan, some guy was sitting down on the couch watching the news sayin, “NO KIDDIN! Tiger Woods was married?”
His apology I care even LESS about, because I don’t think he OWES me an apology! What did he do to me? Apologize to your WIFE man! NOT to me! I don’t know you!

Anyway… after wrestling through that grueling 2000 word article, I turned to the SECOND page, and guess what I found?
“Crazy man runs plane into the IRS building, destroying it ALLL! People DYING! TERRORISM! NATIONAL SECURITY!!!”
What? Page 2? This guy just blew up the IRS building? Isn’t that gonna like MESS everything up? Isn’t that along the same magnitude of the Oklahoma Bombing? The type of stuff that ends up in history books? I will be PISSED if I’m helping my future kids with their history homework, and I pop the book open to the 2010 section, and find a big ol picture of TIGER WOODS! Then somewhere else on the page in fine print, “a man blew up the IRS building this year also. By the way.”

What has the world come to when we're more concerned about random dude's affair, than buildings being blown up, and people dying.

I’m just sayin…

JBUDD OUT!

PS we wrote a new song, check us out here:

McDonalds - The secrets behind the golden arches

I was thinking about a joke my friend made about McDonald's slogan, “It’s what I eat and what I do” Seriously, I don’t get what they’re trying to say with this!

It sounds like a mom trying to get her 400 pound five-year-old outside to get some exercise, and the kid responds with, “THIS IS WHAT I EAT!!! THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! OK?!!” “DON’T MESS WITH ME! THIS is what I’m doing… THIS is what I eat! NOTHING ELSE!!!” the mom asks, “do you want pizza? Do you want to watch a movie?” he responds with, “NO. only THIS. ONLY MCDONALDS is what I DO!” Soon after these kids grow up on this slogan, they’re gonna reach the ripe old age of 80, and realize they haven’t accomplished anything…

“ALL I’ve done is McDonalds my whole life! …” 

THAT’S when the law suits come in… BAD business move in my book. How do you DO McDonalds anyway? I don’t think anyone wants to admit to that slogan. “this is all I eat, and do.” So why do they do it?

Lets look at some slogans from McDonalds past:

     Enjoy the best food at McDonald's (1973) - I recommend you get the BEST food here, in retrospect to all our BAD food…

     We do it all for you (1975) - We love you SOOO much that we serve you transfatty sandwiches to increase your likelihood of death! :)

     Nobody makes your day like McDonald's can (1980-1983) – “I’ll have a big mac… and what they heck, throw in a good day too!”

     That's My McDonald's (1981) – HEY! That’s MY McDONALDS!!! POLICE!

     McDonald's and you (1983) – Their sad attempt to start a speed dating organization

     McDonald's is your place to be (1986) – Do you enjoy sports? Or maybe the great outdoors? Well stop wasting your time, and get down to McDONALDS! Cuz it’s your place to be… We even put in a new BALL pit so you NEVER have to leave… nothing like sleeping on a bunch of hard plastic balls!

     Food, folks and fun (1990) – That’s the three things we got. We got FOOD, Parents, and a BALL pit! (mcdonalds is not responsible for any suffocation/trampling of your child in his feeble attempt to escape.)

     McDonald's Today (1991-1992) – Tired of other BORING newspapers like “New York Times” or “USA Today?” Well subscribe to the new McDonalds’s Today! Where you get DAILY updates on Ronald McDonalds fashion statements, and updates on the polices recent findings of the escaped, “hamburgler.” Also find tips on how to hamburgler proof your house with 25 simple tips by John Walsh! But you ask, “What if I’m a tree hugger and STILL want reliable news?” NO PROBLEM… OUR paper is made entirely out of excess potato skins, ensuring all you hippies all the trees and more to hug. So subscribe and save the planet, one newspaper at a time!


     What you want is what you get (1992) – ever wondered about what you’re going to get? SIMPLE… it’s what you ordered stupid!

     Do you believe in magic? (1993) – They were debating between this one and, “What’s your favorite color?”

     Have you had your break today? (1995-1997) – They were debating between this one and, “How’s it goin?”

     My McDonald's (1997) - My own… my PRECIOUS!!!

     Did somebody say McDonald's? (1997) – am I hearing voices?

     We love to see you smile (2000-2003) – After working long grueling shifts without sunlight or joy… we LOVE to see the rare occasion when someone actually smiles.

     There's a little McDonald's in everyone (2002) – I think I remember on the commercial it had a bunch of people dressed up in lab coats with a voice over that said, “Statistics show, that 10 percent of our body weight is attributed to the transfat from McDonalds…” then a metallic McDonalds crushed the screen, and said, “There’s a little McDonald’s in everyone…”

     I'm lovin' it (2003) – I actually liked this one. Why did they get rid of it?

     It's what I eat and what I do (2005) - yep


     What we're made of (2008-present) – This proves that evolution is false. Naturally you’d think that throughout the life of one of the largest corporations in the world, that the slogans would adapt, and get better and better. Survival of the fittest. But seriously, what are they trying to say? WHAT are you made of?  Is that even grammatically correct?


In other news.  It looks like Jaymin Vickers is the winner of this years Winter Solstice Stache.  He will be recieving one CD of the sweater sweeties christmas album. thank you.

-JBUDD OUT!

A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.

2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 

3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 

4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 

5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…

One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...

9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.

ANYWAY…

The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)


#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)


#5 Lance Hancock