A Festivus Miracle - Results from Mustache 2009

I’m not a fan of going to bed.  I just don’t like all the preparation that goes into it.  At college I would procrastinate going to bed, because I knew what awaited me there… my roommate goes to bed at about 10pm, so I knew that I would have to crawl around in the dark, using my 2 watt cell phone screen to guide me, trying my hardest to be silent enough to not wake anyone up. That definitely goes on the top 10 sucks list.

Now that I’m home for Christmas break it’s even worst, cuz my mom is the BEST  security system ever invented.  She puts WATCH DOGS to shame.  Somehow she can just SENSE any noise being made out of the ordinary, and IMMEDIATELY start walking out of her room to see what’s happening.  So whenever I come home past 10pm, I gotta do the whole JAMES BOND routine to stop the alarms from going off.

I should get like a mission impossible ring tone going when I do it… “your mission budd if you choose to accept it… is to make it into your room without waking your mom up… this message will self destruct in 10 seconds…"

So in lieu of this holiday season, I’m giving you guys my Secret 8 Step System on "how to go to bed."  Enjoy:

1. Turn the car off, and get your keys into the pocket to prevent any jingle noises.

2. Shut the car door softly, and slowly approach the door. 

3. You gotta hope that they remembered to keep the door unlocked; otherwise the whole operation is blown.  Pull the door tight against the frame, and then twist the knob all the way to prevent any clicking noises.  Take a light step inside, and gently close the door with the knob still twisted until shut, THEN you can untwist the knob.  This prevents the CLICKING noise caused by the little metal thing jutting off the side of the door that hits against that metal plate on the frame. 

4. Once you’ve gotten the door closed, move as swiftly as you can off any tile.  The plushness of carpet dampens any footstep noise, but be careful for those squeaky spots on the floor.  After much practice (preferably in the day time...), you will begin to remember where all the squeaky spots are.  You must avoid them at all cost, otherwise all is lost, and mom will come out wondering half asleep. 

5. The trickiest part is those nasty stairs…  Those things are the mother load of all squeaks… but I’ve found if you walk along the outside by the wall, it reduces the squeakage, but make sure your steps are light, cuz that hollow space underneath the stairs just amplifies each step like an acoustic guitar.  Once you’re inside your room… you’re pretty much safe, but make sure you close your door FIRST (as shown in step 3) before you turn on your light.

6. That’s when the whole going to bed process starts.  You gotta get undressed and everything, take out the contacts, and what not… by the time I’m done, I’m usually in a cold sweat panting…  THAT'S when you approach the BED…

7. Since I don’t live at home anymore, my room has turned into more of a guest room… so it’s more of a decoration than anything… some people put decorations in rooms, and others make rooms decorations, it’s just how it is… and my room is just one of those rooms…

One night, as I was going thru my routine of chucking off all the pillows, I decided to count them. EIGHT!  Why do I need eight? Just in case I’m having a midget sleep over?  “alright everyone on the bed!… we’re gonna  be dividing this bed into 8 quadrants to sleep on... but luckily we each have our own pillow so we don't have to share!"

All I need for a bed is ONE pillow, and ONE blanket…  not EIGHT! 

8. After being de-pillowfied, jump into bed.  SHOOT… It’s tucked!
I am definitely not a tucker… It's like being trapped in a strait jacket … but for legs.  So I have to start doing the frantic kick thing to undo it until I’m all hot and sweaty again.  So I need to cool off...

9. Start throwing off any un-needed blankets til you just have one.  By that point the space between the wall and the bed is just FULL of fluff… and FINALLY you can rest…  and the next night you come back in… and it’s all back to normal again…

Yeah… Definitely on the top 10 sucks.

ANYWAY…

The mustache Party had a good turn out this year, we’re going to post the results for 2009's winter solstice staches, and YOU guys get to vote on your favorite picture.  Whoever wins, will be rewarded a brand new Sweater Sweeties Christmas Album.  The vote thing will be on the right side of the page, so make sure you vote for the "sweetest" mustache.

#1 Ben Spense (used mascera to darken it)

#2 Jaymin Vickers

#3 Jbudd (used mascera to darken)


#4 Kip Webster (used mascera to darken it)


#5 Lance Hancock

Santa Claus Caught Red Shirt-ed!

What am I doing writing on Christmas eve? Shouldn’t you be frantically waiting with anticipation for Santa to come down my non-existent chimney? Well… Santa has already been spotted… at like 10 o clock this year. He’s starting to have an earlier curfew than I remember. I walked outside this OFFICE I’m presently sitting in, and I screamed, because there he was! The old Nick himself… I heard if you see him in person that your blood BOILS and you melt to the ground and turn to dust… or was that Indiana Jones? Doesn’t matter. But I saw him! He was wearing J-shorts, and a little Santa shirt, and was stuffing the stockings… I gave out a yelp, and he said, “Hey, it’s Santa, dressed up like your dad!” for a moment, I doubted my Santa faith… Had all my prayers to Santa since I was 5 gone to waste? but as the good book says, “you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” And I think that was a big trial just now… and I overcame… and because of that… Santa is going to reach deep into his ever giving bag of mystical wonder, and pull me out a new camero… like the one I saw in Transformers, which I watched for the first time 2 days ago.

One question… why did the cube turn all the electronics into BAD transformers? Where are all the good ones coming from then? Answer THAT my friend… and if they can just choose to be any ol vehicle they wanted, as they suggested when those comet robots hit the ground, and chose the car of their choice to become… then why didn’t they ALL choose to be Really sick fighter Jets? If you can answer both of those questions, I’ll give you a cracker jack maybe. I got this cool new comment box at the bottom of the page, which you can sign in with your facebook account and post… pretty nifty… speaking of… anyone notice the new design of this webpage? I sure did… probably cuz I spent hours figuring out how to web design…

but if you ever are feeling low and blue,

and just need to figure out what to do,

when the tears come streaming down your face,

and you lose something you cant replace,

when all is lost,

and nothing is found,

don’t forget to turn that frown upside down.

Just open up your browser of choice (since there’s like 50 now)

And make a little invoice…

And when I say invoice, I really meant, go to jbuddnews and just admire it’s beauty… and think to yourself… What have I done with my life? Will I ever amount to anything? And when you look at that cool design… you’ll realize, NO… no you won't… so stop waiting for Santa to come down his chimney, cuz he AINT coming for YOU… he only visits people on his NICE list… and sends the rest of the people coal! I wonder where he gets all that coal from… he has to be running some sweat shop to do it. I’m sure he’s breaking labor laws all OVER the place.

If I ever got the coal in the stocking, I think I would just say to myself, “REAL mature Santa… REAL mature! Can you get any more ORIGINAL than that? Haven’t you gotten sick of your little practical joke, coal in the stocking yet? Is it still funny to you?

Actually that must be a pretty funny the first 100 times. When I have kids, I’m gonna try that one out… see if it scars them for life or not… could be a good experiment. They wake up all groggy on Christmas morning, excited to see the toys underneath the tree, and then BAM. NOTHIN! Just a big pile of black coal staining the carpet… and I’ll walk out of my room and be like, “SHOOT!!! TIMMY!! I KNEW you shouldn’t have gotten in a fight with your sister! NOW look what you’ve done! You’ve RUINED CHRISTMAS! NO PRESents for ANYONE!!! Probably the neighbors next door TOO! All because of YOOOUU!!!

What do you think would happen to that kid? Enlighten me….

Well since we’re on the topic of my website… or Santa… whichever… I added a new little button at the top called, “JBUDD FILMS” you should check it out ;) … ONLY while you’re contemplating the meaning of life of course… yes yes yes…

Speaking of JBUDD FILMS… we have released a new movie. Me and my whistling quartet decided to put out a new Christmas album and made a music video to go with it.



The video was inspired while me and Jeremy were sitting in the hallway one night, and started harmonizing our whistles, and started laughing uncontrollably… and “the sweater sweeties” was born. If you have any friends who have shown interest in whistling quartets and completely homo-dancing, be sure to forward the video to them ;)

I think we’ve got time for a comment

****COMMENT****
This will blow your mind... and could be the theme of festivus 2009 stache forever...and i am not going to start mine until saturday...sorry i need to be clean shaven til she leaves right???:)




***REMARKS***
For those of you who don’t know… we’re having a mustache growing contest right now. I probably should have told you guys earlier so you could have joined in too… but maybe next time we’ll have the pictures posted up. And YOU guys get to be judges to ‘audience choice” mustache. Sound gravy? Good. And all you mustache growers out there… explain to me what a mustache is like in 5 words or less. We should be having our festivus party this week sometime. And as the great Coldplay once said… “lets talk… lets ta-a-a-a-alk.” We’ll talk ;) Merry Christmas

JBUDD OUT!!!

P.S.
This is how my stache is doing so far…  and I'm pretty sure this is what I look like whenever I'm writing these things.

How to Fall into a Pot-hole #22

Recently people have been searching my site for the following question:
can i sue the city from injury from street pot hole?  

The answer: YES.  But like any other case, you need solid evidence that the injury wasn't your fault, and was the fault of their negligence.  One problem is you'd be suing for damages, or in other words, to pay for how much money the injury costed you.  (emotional distress/doctor bills/absence from work/damage to car/etc.)  In most cases that wouldn't be too much money, like in the following real life story:

****Story of the Week****
Dear JBUDD,

In my business law class we were discussing landlord's responsibilities to their tenants, and one of their responsibilities is to make repairs to anything that might cause injury… FOR example: The rain gutter right above my doorway is broken, which causes some sweet spillage, creating this decent puddle right outside my door. To add fire to the fuel, I live in LOGAN! and if hell was located here, it would indeed be frozen over. So this puddle is soon going to turn into a nice sheet of black ice… NOW all I need to do is slip on it, and break some sweet bone-age, and I can sue for damages! So I’ve been biding my time and waiting for that sweet payout. I just need a couple ace bandages, and I’ll be set! Now I better not catch any of you eyeing my puddle down… it’s MINE! NO BATTLE! I’d like to see a no battle hold up in court.
“prosecutor JBUDD claims that he ‘no battled’ it.”
(gasp from the jury)
“So NATURALY the money from the injury should go to HIM”
At this point a marching band will walk in playing “America the beautiful” and everyone will stand up, and salute me, with a tear trickling down each person’s cheek. Prosecutor WINS with the unanimous vote from the jury and audience… even the DEFENDANT who shant be named would have to agree…

ANYWAY #1>>>

So the story goes like so:
It was a dark night. A batman logo’ed spotlight shines frantically thru the air. Meanwhile on the street below sits an innocent little boy by the name of JBUDD. Little JBUDD just wanted to go play some ultimate Frisbee with his friends, so he ran across the street to go home and slip into something a little more comfortable. Being properly dressed, he’s about to make his way across the street into his friends apartment… something doesn’t seem right… The football stadium lights are blaring on his left. He watches as the cars pass, their headlights blaring in his eyes, just waiting for an opening to cross the wide street. He sees a small opening, so he goes to dash across the road, when suddenly he realizes that the ground is closer, and he’s not going anywhere. He hears two girls off in the distance gasp as he looks down, and finds that his leg is in a gimungous pot hole. The girls rush over to his assistance, and he jumps out, and examines his bleeding leg. The girls insisted that he come in and get bandaged up, but HE had an appointment with a Frisbee and could NOT be late. So he hurried over that lonesome road… THE END

I know what you’re all thinking, “wait… you fell into a pot hole?” well… YES! But you got to SEE the size of this thing:

That was no ordinary pot hole! that thing was like the grand canyon got together with the road outside my house, and had a baby. So the first thing I did was start ranting and raving about how the city was liable for that, and I should SUE them, and make them fix it, cuz that was right in the way of running across the road. I was telling the story to a lot of people after asked the question: “what happened to your leg” and this one girl said the same thing happened to her DAD! That little tweep was going to steal my law suit! But alas it was too late… a week later… I found THIS:

And about a month later, this is the desolation of a once great hole:

It lived great... and it died great... how many people fell victim of it's tyranny? we'll never know... but lets pay homage to the beast, with a moment of silence...

So the moral of this story is… You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take… yeah… that sounds about right…

Now I want to take a moment of silence for my poor leg skin. Turn on some sappy slow love song, and then slowly scan thru some photo’s from the past…

In OTHER news, we have another addition to the J-Films Family, it’s entitled: THE APARTMENT which is basically just a remake of the office. Enjoy:

JBUDD NEWS Getting Bigger and Brighter #21

So I recently was checking out my stats on some of my Youtube videos. And I noticed that I had gotten quite a few hits from this girl’s blog in SWEDEN!  So the effects of JBUDD NEWS is officially starting to have a global impact.  It’s the dawn of a beautiful day really… I had to translate her website to understand what it said, I don’t want any comments saying “thank you we love you so much for doing that” but I want it to be strictly done out of charity. cuz in my ward we have a goal to reach 10,000 service hours, and I’ll just use that to count towards it.  But anyway, here’s what she had to say:

REPEAT: RIDE OF YOUR LIFE

I always knew that life is a roller coaster, there are things happening for a reason then there are the things that occur to deliberately make it or an accident.  There may be things that makes you feel good, but they can also be things that makes you go down the hill, or around in a lop it only lasts a short time.

When you are born to climb mountains and on rollercoaster and it does not stop former husband to go get off at his death.

It does not matter to me what they are, they’re talking about, they are still upside down and not least in love.  For some strange reason, so when you are alone so you see people holding hands all the time, you see people kissing and holding eachother.  Show love for eachother and we have no idea what is going on when they are at home.  It is known that all people end up in fights and conflicts, but we want to solve something as you fight for it, right? It shows that this is what you want, right?

I think so, or I hope so.

Just listen!


I’ve been waiting, I have forgiven and I’ve cried, it is about time that they go up the hill again.  If you want something, do not be afraid to stretch out your hand and take your chance… :)

>>>REMARKS
WOW.  FIRST of all… I don’t get about half the things you just said, and second of all, I didn’t realize how deep that video was!  I was figuring it was just a video to motivate students to get involved, but I guess she got on the deeper quantum level that only Swedish people that don’t speak English can understand. I don’t even want to get STARTED on your terrible grammer.

It sure sounded like this video changed her life, which isn’t very abnormal here at JBUDD news.  THAT’S why I get hundreds of people writing in every week telling me their success stories!  But I only include the toppest notchest of them for my readers… cuz.. I’m just that kind of guy….

****SUCCESS STORY (from yesteryear)****
So ap tests are over and Broderick decides to have us make parachutes to see whose can float longest.  So everyone starts making parachutes out of tissue paper.  "cept for me.  I’m duct tape man.  I like duct tape. 

So I decide it would be really clever to make a sheet of duct tape (my parachute) and stick a ball of inside out duct tape attached to a duct tape cord on the sheet.  The idea was to hit the ball on the wall and make it stick, and then there was no way I would've lost.

So, I walk to the balcony, drop it off, hoping it would hit the wall and stick.  It just kinda rubbed its way down.

Well then I was on the brink of despair (failure) when it landed right into a huge bowl of something carried by a student -- Mr Broderick later stated that it may have been tapioca.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  The student looked up at me, and I think swore.

I then ran to the classroom in an attempt to hide.  Mr broderick found me and disqualified me from the games.

It was worth it. Duct tape in tapioca?  When does that ever happen?

J Nieveen
Riverton, UT
>>>>REMARKS
I’d like to note the key points to his success.  First, he didn’t conform with the crowd.  Second, he used duct tape, and third, he got pudding splashed all over some kid.  GREAT success in my book.

****QUESTION****
dude jbudd this is bs.   man that was DECENT!!!   much better than #18.   I liked it.  I liked it a lot.   keep up the goodness.  dude so i have a survey that you could maybe do that could create some interesting feed back.  Find out what people think about dating the girls that you home teach.   Is it kosher?   I am not too sure myself but the girl i home teach is cool and pretty decent and i took her out last friday.  It went so well...but i dont know how far i could really take it.  Many tell me that i need to bail out.  They say that it will only lead to tears.  What does Utah State think? 

oh one more thing that was kinda funny.  I went to Mr. BYU which was cool but they had a MC that was so sweet.  He was making jokes and stuff and then he told the students about how to become a true aggie.  Since most of the kids are from out of state they didnt really get it but he said that they were going to start "true cougars" at BYU.  What you do is you go to the center of campus before 10:30p.m. and shake hands with some girl.  Then you are a true cougar.   

Well Jbudd rock it up....
til we meet again
the one and only
BS
Riverton, UT

>>>>REMARKS
FIRST of all… when you address my pseudo name, you need to CAPITALIZE it out of respect to me, and all of the hundreds of monkey’s I have writing material for me here at JBUDD inc. COMMON!  I thought you BYU people were geniuses.  NOW where’s your 3.9 GPA?
Anyway.  I’m pretty sure that’s the whole point of home-teaching in a college ward, and we just mask it behind trying to help out the other person or something.  But really they just want us to date them.  I’m pretty sure that’s all any old person cares about with single adults.  WHEN are you going to get married!  You say hi to anyone, and the first thing they wanna talk about is "Are you dating anyone? Why not?"  That’s why we have linger longer, FHE, home teaching, visiting teaching, and Sunday school class.  It’s all a scheme to hook you up with some girl.  So I say take the bait, and make your bishop proud!  I just hope that MY home teacher doesn’t start having any feelings for me…
Well if any of you are dispositionally outraged by my view and wants to express them.  Just email clubfilm@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it.  ALSO on the left of the page there’s a poll that you can VOTE on whether it is right or wrong to date your home-teachee.
I’m also proud to present the newest member of the JBUDD Films family that bs and I made back when I lived with him in ’07.  Enjoy:



****COMMENT****
A blog?  Why are you doing a blog?  That is so girly.
    -Ashley B
    Riverton Utah

>>>>REMARKS
YOU’RE a girl!

****Interview of the week****
I had a funny conversation this week with someone who actually does physicals.  As you read in #19, I’ve always have wondered what they think about doing it.  So I interviewed someone on the topic.  This girl is about 22? Or so, and we’ll call her… Germanium

JBUDD
Do you have stuff like that over there? Hernia checks?
Germanium
That’s what we do at the hospital, yes.
JBUDD
Ew…
Germanium
Why Ew?
I don’t care, it’s just a job.
JBUDD
Wait… YOU actually do it?
Germanium
TO them… yeah.
JBUDD
NO WAY! SICK!
How’s your conversation while you’re doing it?
Germanium
What kind of question is that?
It’s fine… sometimes the guys are kinda shy cuz I’m still kinda young.
We even do prostate checking.
I used to not want to do it, but I need to cuz it’s part of the job
JBUDD
What if they think you’re cute or something?
Germanium
If they like me? How would I even know that?
JBUDD
WELL…
Germanium
HOW will I know? Hahaha… It’s ok… it’s just a physical check!
Why? Are you shy to when you get a physical?


Then she started questioning my manhood. So unfortunately, we had to cut the interview short.


Well thanks for coming out to JBUDD NEWS, and we'll see you all next week.


Your Friend,
JBUDD