Columbus Sailed that Ocean Blue

I was reading an economics book called, “The World is Flat” and the very beginning the author told the story of Columbus.  HE thought the world was round, and everyone else said it was FLAT.  So he said, “I’ll show them” and in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  He was originally going to take off in 1491, but could only come up with thumb, run, and plum as rhymes.  “1491, Columbus stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum… ACK! terrible rhyme.  Let’s wait another year!”

When he made it to America he discovered a bunch of dark skinned people, and had innocently mistaken them for Indians.  You think they would have planned ahead a little and brought someone who could speak Indian, “HALLO THERE! TANK YOU COME AGAIN!”  Don’t know what their plan was showing up all casual, “hey guys!  How’s it going? Oh, we’re just stopping by.  Just wanted to say hi to our neighbors on the other side of the Atlantic!  Yep It took us 3 months to get here… and we thought we were dead, and we almost had a mutiny… ha ha…. Ha…” the Indians stared back blankly… “Well, we… we weren’t planning on staying long… ACTUALLY we were just leaving!”  That’s when the sta. Maria squealed away.

When did it hit them that it wasn’t India?  They’re sailing back and Columbus says,  “hey Eric the terrible… psss… over here… Did you notice any call centers while we were there?

“No”

“(gasp)  GREAT SCOTT!”

I think Columbus’s simple mistake has been the biggest typo left on world history…. How long ago was that? Some 600+ years?    And… WE STILL CALL THEM INDIANS?  You think that would have been handled very promptly right then and there…

There couldn’t have been more than100 people on those ships, Columbus could have called a meeting together, “alright me mateys,  We ORIGINALLY THOUGHT that we were in India.”

“(Cheers and grunts)”

“BUT we were wrong!”

“(grumble grumble grumble)"

“This is AMERICA!  So instead of calling them INDIANS, because they’re not… NO Jósurr, they’re NOT… we’re going to start calling them NATIVE AMERICANS… can you say that with me?”

“(all together) Native Ameriplanes?”

“YES.  NATIVE AMERICANS…” more slowly than the first…

That’s all you had to do Columbus… when the people got back to Spain they would have been like, “WE DISCOVERED THE NATIVE AMERICANS!!!” 

And everyone would have been like, “Native Americans, what a brilliant discovery!  We’ll give Columbus a giamungous medal for this discovery!”

And to this day, instead of kids playing cowboys and Indians, they would be playing cowboys and Native Americans…

To be continued…

Secret Student Cooking Ideas

As a busy college student, balancing your life between: school, work, dating, and trying to make your band famous... you sometimes forget one of the most important factors of life... what is it you ask?  well silly... it's FOOD! :) 

In the upcoming days I'm going to teach you the secrets that no cookbook dares to share. I will teach you how not only eat gourmet meals with 30 min or less preparation... but how to do it CHEAP.

 

Recipe 1

     Requirements:

      -Ability to read

      -Tied shoes

      -Large winter coat (only applicable to USU students)

Take advantage of every free food opportunities you can find.  Look on your local school calendar to find out when your student association will be hosting some gag activity with free food in hopes to con you into something. Frat houses are always insecure and looking for cool new members like you.  Just make sure that they don't know you think they're lame before you eat their free meal.  This works best around eating holidays like Thanksgiving.

BEFORE

AFTER

Recipe #2 - El Frozen Burrito

Now I’m going to show you some of JBUDD’s OWN special dishes that will keep your colon clean.

My first recipe is an old family recipe from Mexico.  When polygamy was banned from the US, my ancestors were forced to move to Mexico where they learned the ways of the people there, and learned of such dishes as: “El Frozen Burrito”

Simply buy a western family pack of 10 burritos.  Put 2 of them on a plate and gently place in the microwave and set the timer for 3 minutes.  Hit start, walk away, then take a leak.  When you come back, they’ll unavoidably be busted open, but that's the compromise you have to take... It's either busted open burrito or still frozen in the middle burrito.  There is no happy middle ground...

Bon apatite!

Recipe #3 - Stealing... in a nice way...

We're gonna talk a little more about getting gain. Some of you might run into a problem with an old friend of yours called, "your conscience," but as the good book says:  "Yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die..."

Requirements

 -Justification to battle your cognitive dissonance.

 -Endowed friends

 -Good poker face

Sometimes your friends will get caught up in a pyramid scheme to sell Redbull… They may even build a pyramid of them on your table… take advantage of them, and take a few… believe me, they’ll NEVER notice.

Your fellow neighbor girls might think that one of your roommates is as fly as a kite, and bring over free brownies, cookies, egg nog and/or hot chocolate… We always called that, "getting some." What exactly was it we were getting?  Brownies, cookies, and hot chocolate... (duh!)

Free food is always a good cop out… but unfortunately  sometimes people DON’T just give you stuff… Piece of cake (or waffle), CON them into it!  We found much success in throwing together a weekly “waffle party” and having people donate the ingredients and labor.  It was brilliant really, just say waffle wednesday, and you'll be getting free food in no time!  We even had a little jar for donations, but unfortunately it didn't work as well as the "feed the hungry" jar I had in the school store...

as always... Bon Apatite!

PS.  Whenever you "get some" be sure to text a picture of your "some" to JBUDDNEWS inc. at clubfilm@gmail.com and your "some" will be featured in JBUDD NEWS.  While you're at it, go ahead and tell us your success story in getting gain, that we may all learn from one anothers experience and be strengthened together.

DISCLAIMER
all pictures will become property of JBUDDNEWS inc.