Number 14

I’d like to welcome you all out to JBUDD NEWS 14th edition. Tomorrow I’ll probably be getting my mission call… so Reply to this email, and make a guess on where I’m going, if you’re the closest person, you will get TOP PRIZE!!!

So I just remembered a story… STORY TIME!!!!

So it’s the summer of ’06 and I’m with my good friend Skyler. We decided to go to taco bell, because HEY, who doesn’t like taco bell? I mean a half pound burrito for a buck! Now that’s VALUE! Anyway… So this particular time, the drive thru line was pretty enormous. So we had to wait for awhile trying to entertain each other. Skyler at least had the advantage of having a rear view mirror, in which he used to look at the girl in the car behind us. He said to me, “she’s pretty cute.” I couldn’t really see her myself. So skyler says to me, “I’ll give you 5 bucks if you go back there and get her phone number!” Now I thought that I was somewhat of a hunk of meat, so I was thinking…”no problem, I’ve got it! I’ve got it!”
I get out of the car, and as I’m walking up to her window, I’m thinking to myself, “she’s not that cute…” I’m trying to think of what I’m going to say, my mind is racing, but my body is CALM. I walk up to her all smoothly, “you must have played football because you’ve got a TIGHT END!” OWWW! Jk. I don’t know what I actually said… but it was pretty smooth as I recall. So I ask her, “can I have your number?” She points at her stomach and replies:
“I’m 6 months pregnant!”
…..
….. I’m standing in the middle of the road hitting on a pregnant lady…. Hahahahaha.
I bursted into laughter and said that this was going to make a great story, shook her hand and went to my car and laughed for like 5 minutes.
In the end I didn’t get her phone number.

ANYWAY

I think we’re all adult enough to admit that yes, we all liked backstreet boys at some point in our lives. Not in a homosexual way, but in a, “I could see me listening to this. Not like EVERY day, but maybe every OTHER day? I don’t know…” The songs really had some emotion. Some days I just felt like saying, girl, “QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!” I always thought that song was WAY to calm for the lyrics. They lyrics are like a demand you’d hear at a gun point. I longed to hear nick just SCREAMING at the top of his lungs crying. “QUIT PLAYING GAMES @*&!#” he’d actually SAY “quit playing games at asterisk and exclamation point pound!” it could have been a number one JAM. But instead, it was only a number two.

The backstreet boys WERE cool. Emphasis on WERE. There was a moment when everyone liked them, but then some kid made fun of another kid for liking them. Someone made a personal attack on the body we call “the backstreet boys.” Someone decided it would be funny to call them “The backstreet GIRLS.” DISREGARDING the scientific evidence that they are actually indeed BOYS, starting a huge prejudism and injustice to all who liked them, JUST for the benefit of themselves. Whow wants to like a band people call “backstreet girls?” anyway? NOT ME! Girls can’t be backstreet! No one’s going to listen to that! Now all because of that first kid to make fun of them, all of a sudden the whole 4th grade wasn’t allowed to like them. Tyranny had taken over the playground. People were told to deny there boyband or suffer public humiliation. Anarchy had broken out, never to return… Hope was disappearing, the future seamed somewhat… bleak.

The same thing happened with Barney the dinosaur! Before kindergarten EVERY kid was watching Barney! Then first day of school, the same kid stands up and informs the whole class, “just to let you new comers know… now that we’re officially in public school, a few things need to go. #1 picking your nose… You either have to do it before or after school, or do it when no one is looking, or else roomers will spread about you faster then a wild fire. #2 Barney… is out! (gasp from the kids.) I’m sorry, I didn’t make the rules, But you WILL be made fun of from here on out for watching it in any forms.” And that’s what happened. Kids still watched it… but they watched it in secret. As if they were escaping Auschwitz. Then every once in awhile the witch hunt would begin and false accusations would be made.
“Timmy stole my shoe teacher!”
“well HE watches BARNEY!” (gasp from the class)
The teacher suddenly stops what she’s doing and has to step in and mediate this argument, “is it true you watch barney Ronald?”
The kid at this point is trembling, “no…” but alas, his knees are trembling and it is obvious that he’s lying.
“don’t make me repeat myself Ronald… did you watch barney or not!”
at this point little Ronald breaks down in tears as the teacher yells to the two biggest kids in the room. “TAKE HIM AWAY!”

That’s how it happened, as far as I remember. That’s how the backstreet boys were. But I’d have you guys know that I’ve had a dark secret since that time. And I am READY to take a stand against this Injustice. I JBUDD want to be in a boyband. It’s true. I mean, I’ve got the dance moves already… I’ve been practicing saying, “girl” as best I can. The only problem is… Is I don’t think I’m allowed to get married.

I’m pretty sure that being in a boy band automatically disqualifies you to ever being married. You never hear any boy band song talking about them actually GETTING the girl. That’s right, you know it’s true. All they sing about is how the girl is breaking there heart, or how much they want the girl. But NEVER do they actually SAY, “girl, I got you. You are my girl. We’re going to get married… and start a family!” In reality that makes sense. I mean who would want to listen to this.
“GIRL! Today I got home from work! And the house was kind of messy! And Dinner wasn’t made! So I threw my shoe thru the wall! You ran out crying! So I made a TV DINNER! And it was… kind of cold! So PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!” Married songs just don’t work. “I changed the kid’s diaper. And it really stunk. Then I did the dishes! And you thought that it was really cool. So we went to TACO BELL!!!! And You paid for it! and GIRL, that made my night!”

That one goes out to all my groupies on row five!!! Anyway. JBUDD OUT!!!

COMMENT>>>>>>
How do I unsubscribe from this? I have no clue how I got onto this list, or who you are, but I get way too many emails from you without having any clue who you are.

RESPONSE>>>>>>
Couldn’t take it eh? Couldn’t handle the news from some random kid that you have no idea who he is eh? Well cool. If anyone else is in this boat, just send me an email with “unsubscribe” into the subject line.
Woah! I just made a discovery. I think Gmail puts anyone who ever emailed you into your contacts or something. Because I deleted this guy off the list and now he’s there again. If anyone has a solution tell me.

Lucky number 13!

Well... I know what you're all thinking. "It's been like 2 months since the last one! You said that you were going to write shorter more frequent JBUDD NEWS'es! I like to complain a lot! Me me me me!" well let me tell you a story. There once was a little boy who planted a carrot seed. Everyone said that It was never going to grow. Long story short it grew to the fear of everyone. The little kid went around with his fury and rampage, collecting the money from the bets he made with them. He eventually made thousands of dollars off of his carrot seed bet, and became a millionaire at age 12. He now has a wife who's expecting child within the next month. But little does the carrot seed kid know that the child isn't his... That's the moral of this story... If you plant a carrot seed, you'll have an illegitimate child. And thus we can relate to JBUDD NEWS?

>>>>ANYWAY

You know what I think is a bunch of crap? Uncle Sam. THAT's RIGHT! I said it! UNCLE SAM!

I'm not saying that I'm a flaming democrat that hates the U.S. I'm saying that I think our country's mascot is in need of some souping up.

I am convinced that Uncle Sam was even more random then my "Steve" mascot for MY made up holiday. I can just see it now. The president is sitting in his office filling out his tax refund, thinking to himself, "Man, this country is as stingy as my uncle Sam." Then right at that moment the light bulb turned on, and angelic choirs were heard in the distance.

That particular president was actually awarded the Nobel prize in 1821.


Growing up as a current U.S. citizen, I've grown to get used to all my schools and sports team's mascots. "the BEARS, the GRIZZLIES, the SILVERWOLVES, the LOCNESS MONSTER'S!"

Man those are ferocious. When I hear those names I think, "man I'm scared of them… bears eat me. Silverwolves… ouch. The loc ness… is big… and tasty. (so I hear) then you'll get the general mascots like: the Indians, the miners, and TROJAN MAN! I'm pretty fly with these ones. I mean wouldn't it be nice to just be the "USA: Americans" "Riverton: Rivertonians" (ooh, sounds tough.) Wouldn't that just make the world so much easier? "We are the rivertonians! Uh huh! We are the rivertonians, the mighty mighty rivertonians! And WE! SHALL! CONQUER!! WOOOOO! (cheerleaders are kicking in the air while holding up there index finger. Pretending that we're actually number one… Who are they trying to convince? The crowd already knows we're not number one, we're DOWN 42 to 6! Anyway…) No more memorizing teams that I have to pretend to know. "OOH, the darts are playing the raptors!" Everyone's all into the game, I'm just sitting in the back all confused, "GO… GO RAPTORS… Hit them with the claw! Whip him with your tail! Fight and win my favorite sports team! May your superior raptor abilities take down those measly inanimate objects…" everyone's looking at me, a coke can glances off my head… yeah, I miss middle school…

Wouldn't that be a nice way for fighting wars?


CNN REPORT IN IRAQ:

The announcers have these headsets on…

Announcer1: I just don't think that the Iraqi bombers have the defense to handle the USA: koala bear's.

Announcer2: I'd agree. What coach sadaam should do is put in his weaker forces in the front line, then flank them from the right with the special opps!

Announcer1: and if koala's coach Bush had his head on straight he'd bomb them from above with a bowing 747!

Announcer2: whatever happens, we can GUARANTEE the audiences that this is going to be an EXILLERATING match!

(yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about… but you get the point!)

>>>>>ANYWAY

Sam... Strait up sam… Is that the image we want to give to the rest of the world? I mean we all have that uncle sam that sits around all day watching T.V. drinking beer. Not being able to hold a steady job or girl friend… "I'm not as THINK as you DRUNK I AM! Officer!" Is that the image we're trying to give to our children? Always borrowing money from other people. And you just give it to him because you know you'll never see it again.

"Man Uncle Sam keeps trying to hit me up for this social security thing he keeps talking about. I know he's just going to use it to buy drugs! … or medicare…"


And another thing. When was the last time Uncle Sam… LOOKED AROUND? Does he see what OTHER people are wearing? NOPE. He's set on his style of cloths. "I'll take a pair long striped red, white, and blue pants…. What the heck! Throw in a tall top hat and jacket to match!" I think he must have gotten a funny look from the retailer, "I'm going to have to see my manager about this one." then he decided to wear this SAME EXACT THING for the next 200 years. TAKE A SHOWER ALREADY!!!


You've got to give him a break though… He IS an old guy… and we all know that once you hit a certain age… someTHING start to change… and you wear the same thing for the rest of your life…

We all know what I'm talking about! Anyone take a look at your dad. Same cloths every day. I actually convinced it's mandatory. I think once they hit a certain age, the FBI pulls them in to there office, tosses them a pair of lee's, with a worn in wallet and key mark, and the saggy butt accompanied by the tight ankles. Tosses him the conservative button up shirt and sais, "it's time…" He puts his head down and walks out the door…

But seriously! When do you reach that point when you wake up and you say, "This is it! This is what I'm wearing the REST of my life!"


Anyway…


Ultimately why I hate uncle sam is for THIS reason…


"I want YOU to yada yada yada!" OOOOH what a bunch of garbage! What a week sell out to the whole world! The original, "I want YOU to join the Union army!" …cool, that's cool Uncy Sammy its cool AND cute really... It's when he went CRAZY with this. "I want YOU to apply for a home equity loan…" "I want YOU to buy this night stand." "I want YOU to get a membership at gold's gym!" and I'm sitting back thinking to myself, "common, uncle!" I'm saying this as I'm thumbing thru the one's in my wallet… well I want YOU to lower taxes, I want YOU to ban abortion… I want YOU to ban gay marriages…. I want YOU to beet the south and ban slavery! GO UNION!!! And I want YOU to get a new job, and let the new young hip polar bear to replace you… YOU my friend… are FIRED!

The 12 Tribes of JBUDD

What a gorgeous day today was it not? Well to answer that question... NO, no it WASN'T! I was pissed.
Before I went to college, I prided myself on being able to wake up. As all of you know, during most of my high school life, I slept on the floor. I decided that the bed was too RESTRICTIVE. I mean, a bed is ultimately telling you where you CAN and CANT sleep. I think whoever invented the bed was just a failed attempt to try and take over the world. Like a pinky and the brain episode, in which not only did they fail to take over the world, but they failed to even come up with a logical way to do it!

Have you noticed in every show they have the smart witty guy, who develops all the ingeniously plotted out plan, and then they're hanging around some idiot, just to make sure they never succeed. If they're so smart, why don't they get some new friends? “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball. But I'm going to have to let you go.” then Mr. Skrewball will start to cry. “I'm sorry Mr. Skrewball, I didn't mean it.” “why do we got to fight like this Mr. Smart?” “I don't know, I just get carried away sometimes... Lets never fight again.” then they embrace each other and they're gazes align, and the whole world seems to stop, and then one of them moves in...

>>>>>ANYWAY #1
The bed just TELLS you where to sleep. Back in the day before beds were made, it use to be, “I'm tired... oh look! Tree! I will go settle down near it. Become it's friend. And maybe if I'm lucky I will have rest there...”
I think the original plot was to get these foolish humans to depend so much on their bed-ical devices, and then they were going to activate the “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, and then those foolish humans wouldn't know what to do. But LUCKILY James bond stopped Mr. Skrewball and Mr. Smart before they could do it! They almost killed him, but luckily they told him they're whole plan, and he miraculously escaped the jail cell with his watch that just HAPPENED to have a “jail-cell-getter-out-of-er” on it! And he KILLS Mr. Skrewball and Smart by thrusting them into their VERY OWN “bed-get-rid-of-er” machine, in which they both comBUST into flames. At which point bond turns and looks at the camera and says his famous punch line, “You're FIRED!” then he winks at the camera, and flies away into the sunset!

Scroll credits

>>>>>ANYWAY #2
So I'm laying on the floor, the clock strikes 6:00 the air is filled with tyranny and caos! The world as I know it is collapsing around me. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
THAT'S when I realize that It's morning and my alarm clock is going off.

What I want to know, is who invented that awful sound on the alarm? I'm a firm believer that the alarm clock sound is the worst possible sound that any object can possibly make! I want to know WHO figured out what that was? I figure it was a failed attempt to take over the world, by slowly making us go insane every morning by that awful sound. But luckily james bond saved us again... too.

Anway. I keep my alarm clock on the other side of the room, so I HAVE to get up. So I wake up, and I guess I'm a little EXTRA drowsy that morning. But I had to draw upon all my strength to crawl over the alarm. And for some reason I kept cauging, “GOLLUM! GOLLUM!” I was thinking MAN this is weird. But I turn my alarm off, and I guess this was a cue for my body to collapse. STOP
at this point I think to myself. I weigh about 170 pounds. My head is now accelerating at 8.92 meters/Second SQUARED. Or was it 8.29? PLAY

by this time, my head came in FULL contact with my desk. And I lay there... NAKED.

>>>>>ANWAY X 3 #1
man I don't even know where I was going with this. Well I get dressed, I'm thinking to myself, it was warm yesterday, I'm going to wear shorts. I put shorts on. I A-walk over to the door. Open it. And cried myself all the way to school.


OK I'm glad everyone could make it out to JBUDD NEWS 12th edition. It's really hard to think of something that rhymes with twelve. I kept thinking of words like, “mwelve! ... SHWELVE!!” by that point my roommate yelled at me.. “shut up! ... that's my moms name...”


OOOOH GEEZ!!! welcome. This is what I have to live with.... myself... (imagine that!) Luckily I like myself. Or else I would have evicted myself long ago. OK? ok. Here we go. Hold on to your breeches partner, because we're in for a story.

****STORY OF THE WEEK*****

So I'm trying to join the UVSC track team, as all of you know. I know what you're thinking, “but Jesse, hasn't track already started?” well yes... AND no... but mostly yes. But as one of the laws of Jesse states:
Persistence will help you go the distance. Which I need to tell you another story now:

So do you remember back in the day when I was hard, and drove a motorcycle? Well I do. Well the story goes like thus. My motorcycle was acting up and I couldn't start it electrically, SO that meant I had to push start it. So I push start it and I drive it over to 'parkway crossing' where my girl currently resided. I get there, just fine. We hang out, and it's like 12, and I leave. I start to run along side the motorcycle and throw it into second. IT WONT START. For about a half hour I run back and forth in this parking lot. Hope is diminishing about as fast as my strength is. Pain is starting to build in my pectoral muscles. This beast is not no easy no thing to not push. It weighs like 500 lbs. Or something. So all hope is lost in my eyes. I'm in the parking lot by myself. I decide to lay down. I gaze up into the stars in the sky. I look around, and find Sagittarius the archer, and Ophiuchus. The snake keeper. And I search desperately to find the Andromeda galaxy, and notice that orion is starting to raise. It's starting to get late. So I go into the lobby of this complex, buy a cherry coke and lay down on the couch and drink my despairs away. All is lost. My girl hates me, my dog died, and NOW THIS?
It's now 1:30 and I'm stuck at this stupid place. And then this phrase pops in my head:
“persistence will help you go the distance.”
and I get enough courage and jump back on the motorcycle giving it all the muscle I can. I PUSH AND PUSH. I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN And throw it into 2nd..... NOTHING. Then I try ONE last time before I'm sleeping in the lobby. And it started. I was all excited and I'm drive down that familiar path down towards BYU. The wind is blowing my jacket in the wind. I feel like superman flying lewis lane up in the air. The air is freezing my face. I get a little bit farther and it dies. But then I realized that the choke was just out and I kept going. Dropping into the Provo valley, I take the curve, wind blowing in my hair, ears, eyes, and face. I let go of my motorcycle and as the Provo temple appears into my view, I scream at the top of my lungs to the empty roads, “OH YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT!!!” from the city of blinding lights. Arms in the air.... that's the closest to heaven that I've ever been.

Anyway persistence. So I'm starting to train to join, and I killed my legs this one day working out. They just kill. So me and my roommate go to Heritage Halls to go play with some losers OUR age, and it's valentine's day. So what do a bunch of single guys do? That's right, we played some strait up, hardcore, manball. If any of you are wondering what manball is, all you have to do is picture the manliest scruffiest man you know, and then breed it with a ball, and that's what you get. (nice visual I know)

SOOO. We play some killa' manball and we're walking back to our apartment. And I said quote: “I'm totally going to get a Charley horse tonight, I can feel it.” my calfs were killing, and were already starting to get tense.

We come to a point in the road where we decide we're going to J-walk. So what do you do when you J-Walk? RUN!
so we start to run and about my second step into my trot. My right leg cramps up. Like someone just STABBED a knife into it. And for those of you who have Charley horses, the first thing your body tries to do is point your toe, but you know that only makes it hurt WORSE. So my toe starts to point, but I quickly try to contract it with all my strength possible, but it wont contract. At this point, I'm ready to make the 'rebound' step with my left leg, so I try to catch myself with my left. BAM! Another knife in my leg. This immediately drops me to the ground. I'm collapsed in the road laying there. DEAD in the center. Trying to contract my legs, but they wont budge. They are frozen stiff and KILL like a motha. So my roomate who shant be named, is thinking I'm just being dumb like the movie, “the notebook” but soon realizes that I can't walk. He's yelling at me, trying to massage my calfs to make them loosen up, but that just makes it kill more, I try to stand up, but just fall over. And so I tell him to try to pull me across the street. At THIS point, a car is rounding the corner, and I'm in his lane. So I
have him pull me. And I like walk with my other hand. And kind of scooch my way to the other side. The car drives by, and assumes we are drunk or something. I don't even know WHAT I would think if I saw that site.
So all is calm now, except I still can't walk. So I have roommate step on my toes and just try and stretch them back, and about a minute later, I'm walking. It's ok, guys. I'm back to normal. So hold off on the bouquets of flowers, and the “get well soon” cards. But I did happen to get I photograph of the whole situation... so tell me what you guys think:
I really like how this picture brings out my biceps. And how the meet with my hands. And Ben is pulling me INTO the car... some friend HE is!

Well thru my travels this week I've made a few discoveries.

>>>>>DISCOVERY #1

I'M POOR!

This is all the food I had left! Like LITERALLY I had a box of macaroni, a jar of peanut butter,some herbal pills, and some lactose pills. So for dinner that night, I decided to put the pills and macaroni in the peanut butter and make a PASTE out of it, and ate it with a spoon.

>>>>>DISCOVERY #2
UVSC offers this course. I'll warn you now...
DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK!

It was sitting on my desk in one of my classes.
K? k. QUICK STORY:
so in this class there's about 80 kids in it. And everyday the teacher has us go up and down the row and we all have to say our name... EVERY DAY! So me and my neighbor that day, decided that we're going to switch our names. Now you have to understand that this professor Is a complete stereotypical nut case. So it gets to me and I say, “Thomas Blesuchi!” then kid next to me says, “JESSE BUDD!” and he's about to move on to the next kid when he STOPS! “wait a minute.” he said with a tremor in his voice, “YOU'RE Jesse Budd, and YOU'RE Thomas Blesuchi!” I got 10 days lunch detention.

>>>>>DISCOVERY #3
Japanese sound funny. I was eating lunch with my dear friend colin, and out of the blue two japaneese girls come up to us and wonder if they can ask us a question. I thought it was a lame excuse to pick up on us... but it turned out they needed to survey people for their class. I'm pretty sure they knew like 20 words. And they kept laughing at everything I said... So I assumed there was something on my face... or possibly a “kick me” sign on my back... long story short, I gave them a book of Mormon!
(not true ;0)

THE END

P.P.S
I've only made one mistake in my life. I bought a pencil with an eraser on it.... what a waste of money.

Guys stay up till eleven to go to heaven. girls go to 7 because they're dumb. Hapy valentine's day

Well we're coming up on the great valentines day, just to remind all you losers without a gf/bf how lame you are. The most depressing holiday of the year. You know I went into the month of February thinking I was pretty cool. People liked me. But NO!! my hopes were DASHED with the appearance of St. Valentine's Day.

What I love about valentines day, is the support it gets with the elementary kids. Kids are GUNG HO for any holiday that involves more candy. These kids don't even know there's a difference between MALE, and FEMALE (except the girl has a dress on the bathroom sign.) But tac some candy on to it, and you've got yourself a holiday!!!

So I propose that we make a new holiday for JBUDD NEWS, in accordance with the mascot, “Steve.”

>>>>SIDE NOTE:
If you don't know what I'm talking to, in newsletter 4 I talk about how there should be just ONE mascot for ALL the holidays. And it should just be some guy named steve, that we can ALL relate to.

In creating this holiday, I had to search and ponder the true meaning of Steve. I wanted a holiday that EVERYONE can celebrate. Not JUST the JEWS... NOT just the CHRISTIANS. NOT JUST the lovers. But EVERYONE. And children from all around the globe will all know the true meaning behind it, not being MASKED by this vanity we call candy.

So the first step in celebrating this holiday, is KNOWING what to call it. So I nominate that the new holiday shall be called, “Goochmas!” and it will be celebrated on June 23. (my birthday)
The first thing one must do in celebrating “Goochmas” is to decorate of course! So to do so, you must either write the letter's “STEVE”, somewhere on your house. Or you can get a manican and put a sticker on it that says, “hello, my name is Steve.”
The spirit of Steve will go forth as kids from all over the lands have there parents BUY them a bag of candy. No more beating around the bush. We all know that if we had our kids WORK during the time they spent 'trick or treating' then they could BUY EONS more candy. This will also cut down the risk of going door to door, like our idiot brother holiday, “Halloween.” pshh. Some HOLIDAY! Kidnappings will decrease significantly. The old fashion razor blade in the caramel apple, will be exhausted. We all know it's totally old school anyway. BUT, I WILL allow carameled covered ONIONS from the parents. In a matter of fact, that will be a TRADITION!
All the kids in every home will wake up groggy on the morning of goochmas. Eyes half shut. They give the steve manican a little wave as they pass, and be SHOCKED in what they find under the traditional “goochmas tree” There will be PILES AND PILES of STEVE DOLLS. One for timmy, one for sue, and 3 for the jerk spoiled little brother that Steve always seems to like more. (But we all know that it's just mom and dad. ;) ) Then to their awe and dismay, they find the traditional carmeled onion in the “goochmas day stocking.” The kids look at it with delight in there eyes. Sparkling with tears that come from the acidic onions. Steve DID remember them! Steve IS real!

Then they BITE into the apple to the laughter of the parents as the kids find out that they aren't actually apples at all! No no no! They are onion covered RAZOR BLADES.



>>>>>ANYWAY #2

Kids don't understand what valentine's day is. I remember getting these cards from guys in my class that said, “be mine!” my first thought was, “a little demanding aren't we? Lets start off being friends FIRST, then we'll work from there, ok?” so one year I decided to save on production costs and produce my own cards! Instead of being suckered into the PREMADE cards that everyone else in the school already had. So after getting the hang of the system in kindergarten, I came prepared for first grade. I walked into class with my polarized sun glasses and my green 'cow' overalls. Ready to command and conquer all the women folk in the vicinity. with my homemade cards in hand I began to deal them out like a black jack dealer...

Well I just happened to keep one of the cards, so I scanned it in, Let's see what you guys think:





You know I was interested in knowing the origin of this crazy holiday, so I did a little bit of research to let 'jall know. This is strait from the New York Times. I just thought it was a cute story:

There was this hobo that used to walk up and down a street making suggestive comments to hot women as he passed. He used to say stuff such as:
you must be a rancher, because you've got some nice calf's!
Do you have a Library card, because I want to check you out!
Did you get a parking ticket! Because you are FINE!!!

So obviously this hobo received many slaps to his face, which turned his cheeks red and pink. Red on the left, and pink on the right. Which is where we get our color's for this holiday. Many hobo's started seeing his physical contact with the women folk, and started to join in. So this street became a street of love. A street full of hobo's trying to pick up on beautiful dames.
The street he walked up and down, was named, “valentines st.” which some people thought was, valentines street. But we all know that is was ACTUALLY “valentine's saint.” So we call it saint valentines day. And it's on February 14th because... it was... his birthday that day... yeah... that's it...
THE END

>>>>>ANYWAY#2
Well since it's the holiday of LOVE, I'm going to share with you some of my more recent wemen escapades.

As you should know from previous newsletters. I am the king at getting girls engaged. If I am ever with a girl, the very next guy they meet. They get engaged to. So I was currently up to 2 girls like this. Out of 2. So I thought it was ironic. Then I meet my 3rd girl.

Anyway, as of recent. I meet some prime meat in my ward. She just moved in at the semester. I see her at a dance, dance with her. We're a little more then a book of Mormon apart if you know what I mean. So during this week, I'm flirting with her, we're hanging out every night. And I'm teasing her because I know she wants to kiss me. So we're at the doorstep. I move in like I'm going in... and BAM, I open the door and push her inside. So the next night same situation. We're in position, I'm making fun of her, “I know you want it, what's your problem, you wuss just do it.” and she was like, “I don't care” so I say, ok. And open the door and push her in again. ANYWAY yada yada yada. 3 days later, I notice that she's not talking to me... Because apparently, she's engaged!!!! eff ya! GO ME!! I'M the official rebound guy!

So if any girl needs help getting married. Call me at 979-2578. My rates go as low as $30 a day. New york times called it, “Cheapest love since the 60's!”
Pick up your phone now, while supplies last!

>>>>>Anyway#3

So back to my Human Development class. We were learning about adoption. And some girl goes up in front of the class and tells us all about her experience of giving her child up for adoption. All the girls are going crazy asking all these questions, the 3 other guys and me are just sitting in the back falling asleep. You know, the usual.
So next class I sit next to this girl, I'm talking to her, we're having fun. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of class she grabs my paper I'm taking notes on, and writes the following. “if you get BORED tonight. Call me. 555-1212. heart Ashley.”
So of course I'm thinking the worst possible scenario. So long story short. I didn't call her. Call me a jerk if you must.

So back in the day's with girl number 2 to get engaged. So we go to classic skating. I'm Feeling good that I'm actually skating with a girl on the “snowball.” yelling at all the 6th grader's making fun of us. LIFE IS GOOD. SO I realize that the ball on my foot is REALLY hurting, from the rubbage of the skate. So what do I do? That's right, skate around for another hour. It's starts to hurt, so I go sit down on a bench next to this woman of african american decent, and take off my skate. I am pissed to find that my whole sock is SOAKED with BLOOD. Strait up BLOOD SOCK. That's what I had. The skate wore a whole through my SKIN. So the woman next to me sees it and starts up a conversation. She starts hitting on me. And eventually asks how old I am. I say “well madam, funny you should ask a strapping young man such as I. Me, and my huge bicepts are currently 18 years of age!” I say in my deep manly voice. And she busts up laughing.
“I'm here for my 6 year olds birthday party! ... I was going to ask if we could go out!”

fast forward a semester. I walk into human development for the first time. I don't recognize ANYONE. Except ONE person. Who happens to be that African American woman.
IRONIC.

So what's with the single parents hitting on me? I'M 18 DANG IT!!! I've got a MISSION to go on!!!

>>>>>ANYWAY #3

Let's do a quick story of the week, because MAN, it's really not that cool! Understand?

****Story of the week****

Lost my wallet on the bus. I'm freaking out in the morning. After I missed my first class, I finally borrow some money to get on the bus. And it just so HAPPENS to be the same bus driver that I lost my wallet with. Long story short. I have my wallet back...
THE END.

So that ends this portion. Now I'll open it up to some comments:

>>>>>SUCCESS STORY
Dear Bandit:
It has now been 46 days 1 hour 3 minutes and 52 seconds since my last
episode of sleepwalking. If you are not familiar with this, or have somehow
forgotten, during my finals week, a week of arduous physical, emotional
and mental expenditures to the extreme, I began a nightly regimen of
strange sleepwalking. Some nights i would pace the floors, dig through my
desk drawers, mutter responses at roommates, toss blakies, body-slam the
door, or even sleep study! It scared my room-mates rather quickly, and I
was often torn from my sleep to help me stop these crazy behaviors.
Eventually , (three days later) finals ended, and I moved home to vacate
the place for another room-mate to fill my place in N208.

It feels great to be free from this infirmity an astounding 46 days 1 hour
and 11 minutes; however, I am still in recovery. Sometimes, as I am told, I
will yell "Ben" in my sleep, or I will find myself waking in places I never
intended to fall asleep or wake-up. (In my closet, on my couch, in my
basement, on the floor in the hall, etc.) This is a true story form an
honest man. Take it as a joke, (a true one), but funny.
I love you dear!
Colin H. Freeman (Biscuit)

>>>>>REMARKS
Dear Biscuit
your success story is a complete UNDERSTATEMENT of what happened. Colin WAS insane. We have live footage, hard EVIDENCE of this event, It would be sweet to edit it and put it on google video. But I'de need his permission. Quick story:
So Colin's out of it. And me and my mysterious roommate try to talk to him. And he's starting to respond. And he's asleep. So tell we Gorden, and Gorden tells us a story of his uncle hypnotizing his sister in her sleep. SO we try it on Colin.
“hey colin, if you can hear me, lift your left leg”
leg lifts.
“good job. Ok Colin. When you go to leave for school this morning your going to go to the door, and get really thirsty, so you're going to open the door, and then turn around and get a drink of watter... If you heard me move your right leg”
leg moves.
“ok colin. You know that green shirt in your closet?”
leg moves
“you're going to wear that shirt tomorrow.”
leg moves.

SOOO. I'm eating my cheerios waiting for Colin to round the corner to see what shirt he's wearing. And behold... it IS the green shirt. So I start laughing. He starts asking, “WHAT?” all confused. So I'm like, “NOTHING!” so we go to leave out the door to school. All eyes in the apartment are on him to see what happens. He gets to the door and opens it and is outside. I think to myself. Dang it didn't work. ALL OF A SUDDEN he TURNS AROUND. All fast like. And he starts heading for the sink. I'm shaking my head and saying, NO WAY! And he drinks a nice big glass of water. And he's like, “what's your problem?”
and his side of the story is that he was really thirsty, and he was like, “I'll get a drink at school” then he stepped outside and all of sudden he thought, “NO! I'll get it NOW!”

Anyway, he was scary to sleep with. Me and my roommate who shant be named, were terrified, we would run out of the room in fear sometimes. He acted like the girl from the ring. We'd look over and he'd be sitting against the wall with a sheet over his head.

Once we found that we could get him to drum on his stomach and “jam out” with me. I'd drum something, and he'd copy and add a little. So we like played for like 5 minutes.
He tried drumming that fast when he was awake, and couldn't do it. Anyway...
Colin, you're a nut. NEXT!

>>>>>COMMENT:
your second grade mind came up with "a circular ball of possibility?!" what the crap did your parents feed you?!

>>>>>REMARKS:
well there WAS this one time, that I took a spoon out of the spoon drawer. walked right outside. and said to myself, "I'm going to eat this ground chocolate" and proceeded to eat mud. Maybe that's why...